Where Pelicans Fly
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January 1992 (second half)
1/16/1992 Thurs. 3:39 PM
Boy, did I have a great day. They dismissed my case in Northampton and are going along with the Greenfield disposition. I will not have to go back to Northampton court again. All I have to do is see Sheila every now and then and continue with Cassandra. That's no problem.
Tony and I went to a Chinese restaurant after.
Yesterday I got an unexpected surprise in the mail from my parents. A $10 bill along with some cigarette coupons.
I had a very positive talk yesterday with Tammy, too. We got a lot of stuff out in the open.
1/17/1992 Fri. 3:18 PM
Andy may be calling tonight. I forgot which nights he said were his nights off.
Fran must've forgotten my new number again as I have not heard from him. It usually takes 2 or 3 times for him to remember stuff like that.
Andy should've received his letter along with his bracelet by now. I'm working on several letters right now. I got a postcard in the mail from Kim today. She says she's really enjoying herself and has a nice tan. That I can surely believe. She tans easily and is darker to begin with. She included some lines on the postcard. The mailman must've been quite confused. Kim will be back in 6 days. That'll be nice as seldom as I see her anyway.
I've spoken briefly to Bob yesterday and I'm gonna give him a call soon.
”Shauna D” was enrolled in the Mystery Guild book club by Andy. Shauna's getting two free books now for enrolling “Saundra C.”
I spoke to Ann Marie last night. We had a very pleasant talk. However, I don't have a car and it's just oh-so easier to be alone. We discussed her coming up for a visit which is nice but we're gonna remain friends. She needs to find someone, ready, able, willing and not afraid or insecure. I feel I have nothing to offer her or anyone else other than friendship or sex. I was open and honest with her. I had to be. We discussed how my therapist says I push people away subconsciously but I can't help it. I have to do what I have to do. I can't be changed into relationship material. It is too late. The damage is done and the way I am is the way I am. There are some things that are so much a part of us and we cannot change. I can't handle too much closeness. Also, I don’t have any real desire or will that one needs if they do want more than friendship and sex. What can I do? At least I was upfront about it. I had to say hey, this is who I am. I really admire her a lot. She's so beautiful, too. Therefore, I hope she meets the right woman and settles down with her. She really really deserves it. A person like her shouldn't have to be alone. She has so much to offer. A hell of a lot to offer.
1/22/1992 Wed. 1:23 AM
Bob's on the phone now and he's watching his sign language tape. I just hung up with him so I could write. I know I have several things to write about but my mind sort of went blank.
Last Sunday, or last Saturday actually, I did quite a bit around here. First, I made a plant hanger from the ribbons Kim gave me. I put it up by the attic inside the alcove, on the side sticking out. It looks nice there and it's out of Shadow's reach. Plants really do something for apartments, houses or any place. I want to get into plant collecting as it really makes the place look nice.
I also took some round coasters and cut out pictures of Gloria to fit in them. They look nice.
Now for what really looks super cool. I went and got that huge glassed-in picture that I had put in the little hall between our doors. I busted it out of the frame, took the cardboard backing, the picture itself and made a huge picture collage. I have 36 pictures on one and almost 40 on the other. These are of the family. And friends too. There are Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Tammy, Bill, mom, dad, Andy, Kim, Mark and me.
Yesterday was a horror story. Due to the fact that I don't have a lease, the landlord can ask you to move for no reason at all. I spoke with Peter, who says he's giving me till March 1st, as these people are pressuring him about moving in. I told him it's not my fault that last December I was 100% sure I was moving and that my mom backed out. I said I'd take him to court if I had to and the law doesn't allow you to fuck with someone who's on SS or SSI so easily. I went through this with Seelig and even though I won him over, I wasn't about to put up with it all over again. I've been through so much shit in the last year, both my fault and not my fault.
He spoke with Tammy and he's gonna "work with her" so to speak and try to have a little compassion and understanding. I spoke with George today and he said, “You could stay forever and ever, it's just that you did say you were moving.”
So, I explained to him what's going on and he said to just hang in there as things do get better and he's sympathetic to both sides. These people are living with their in-laws and are going crazy. I'm isolated with nothing and nobody and going crazy myself.
A part of me was telling myself, keep calm, it'll work out, you've been through so much shit already, you can handle one more piece of shit, relax and don't let them win. The other part said - I've had it and I don't give a shit!
That was when I cut myself.
1/26/1992 Sun. 12:16 AM
Kim got home the other day and she has a great tan. She gave me this really cute satin pillow which is small and has silk flowers on it. It also has silk ribbons all over it such as the ones that are in my journals that I made bookmarks out of. It's got lace outlining on all sides and it can be hung on the wall. She also gave me a glass butterfly and an elephant. A tiny porcelain-like heart-shaped jewelry box. Or for whatever you want to use it for. Lastly, she gave me a 10"x10" or so heart that sticks on both sides. So I peeled them both off and stuck on an old blue glittery type material from a shirt Andy gave me before he left. When I move, I'll put the yellow bow Kim made for me in the center of it and hang it.
The reason why I'm not gonna put anything together here anymore is cuz I'm finally moving. Tammy was able to get the girl at the NHA to move me to the top of the list. Also to get mom to keep her word about paying for the move. Tammy's got some friends to help move me and she's gonna rent a U-Haul.
George mailed Tammy a note which she gave to the girl in the office there about how the other people he rented my place out to are hounding him to move in here.
I called and spoke to a woman named Mary Jane. She told me a few things about the apartment. One thing is that it's on the 1st floor and that makes me a little nervous. I haven't seen the general layout inside and outside but I hope no one rips me off while I'm out. Also, if I want to leave my windows open at night while I'm asleep, will it be safe? Who knows, but I'll mind my own business even though that sometimes doesn't work. I will not associate with my neighbors even though the girl said there's only one family near me. There are 4 apartments side by side and I'm on the end. The people next to me are a husband and wife with 4 kids. Even though I've basically had excellent neighbors, I'm out to avoid people like Bonnie and Brenda. Plus, I always start off with a problem or a fight with someone, then we've become friends. Yet I no longer care to stick it out and go through that again till the happy ending comes around. For example, I don't want to be at a female neighbor's house, get along with her very well and have her brother who's a pervert bother me. I'll only go off on a rampage and start a fight with the guy. I will not kiss ass or try to be friendly and resolve any problems or misunderstandings. I will not let any problems or misunderstandings start in the first place. That is if I can help it, of course. If a guy knocks on my windows, that's a different ballgame. I will open the door and do my best to bash his head into dog meat. Overall, I do like the idea of having no one above or below me. Only on one side of me and there's probably a firewall there. There was a firewall between me and Anna and Julia on Oswego St. but not between me and Mattie so who knows. The girl told me music is no problem. The people next door play it, too.
It has no apartment number or letter, I guess. It has hardwood floors, no dishwasher or disposal. Not even laundry facilities on the premises. She said there is a hook-up for a washer and a huge clothesline out back. They're gonna be installing dryer hook-ups. Tammy said for now I can do my wash at her place and save up for a second-hand washer. I can do that in a couple of months as the rent's only $138! Heat and hot water are included. The electricity, I'll still have to pay. Tammy saw it and she said it is small and definitely not what I'm used to, but what do you expect for $138?
Tomorrow sometime, I'll write more about the move and about Cassandra who I am gonna desperately miss even more than Kim. I'm going to miss her most of all and I have become very fond of her and I wish there were more people like her. The world could use that.
Well, I sure as hell hope I'm not up all night. I didn't get up till 1:30. I have to back my schedule up quite a bit if I'm gonna go for that test on Wed.
Kim gave me some trash compactor bags I bought from her as well as gave her the money she left me. She had left me $30 till Tony was able to bring me to court and back. I gave Mark $20 while Kim was in Florida. Tonight I wrote out a check for the remaining $10, plus the 2 trash compactor bags. That was a total of $11. I owe nothing to no one now. Just $21 to the phone company, $58 to the electric, and $260.52 to Peter. I'm only paying him half of the rent as I'll be gone in the middle of Feb.
I've got to get ahold of Tracy about my tapes. She's so hard to reach and takes forever to return your calls.
1/28/1992 Tues. 3:16 AM
I'm only gonna write a little as I am very tired. I met with Cassandra today and that was nice.
The American Music Awards was on and to my surprise, Gloria wasn't even there or nominated. Yesterday Jessie called to tell me Gloria was on channel 3 but I can't get that. Gloria's gonna be on the Disney channel for 3 different nights and I want to try to get Tammy to tape it for me. I doubt she'll want to bother, though.
Around 8:00 this evening I got two pranks from that same guy who called the other number. It figures I'd get a call while I was taping channel 40 and watching channel 22. I told the guy to call me in a few hours. Meanwhile, he could entertain my machine. I was hoping he'd call back after 11:00, but he failed to after all. Bummer.
I'm 99% sure it's an associate of Maliheh's. There's no way it could be Fran as this is the same person who mentioned the CC. Knowing I was there, I mean, and Fran never knew I was there. I doubt it's tied in with the cops or anyone else who works downstairs cuz how would they know? Mark would admit to it for sure if he'd put a friend up to it. The only other possibility is someone who works at the CC, but that's highly unlikely. It's Maliheh.
Well, I got my schedule all fucking screwed up again. Whenever I do go to sleep, I'll have to allow myself only two hours of sleep. I hope to hell I hear the alarm. I've got to go to the store for some cigarettes.
Earlier this evening Kim made us some popcorn. I watched TV and typed a letter to Nervous. I have a letter for Fran, too, along with my bills. I'm gonna also send Andy a letter and pretty much count on only me sending letters. He'll only send one once a year. Maybe twice if I'm lucky and I hound him for it. He tried calling yesterday around noon. He left a quick message singing part of one of Gloria's songs.
It would be nice if I could hurry up and get an exact moving date. That way I can begin with all the transferring. Such as my bank, SS, and I'll have to make several other calls.
What the fuck is taking Tracy forever to return my call? I'm just gonna call the police station myself. I've got to get my stuff back.
1/30/1992 Thurs. 2:39 AM
Kim was over earlier and she got all my stuff out of the attic. Boy, is that thing dusty! She gave me 3 more boxes, too.
Dad called at 11:00 this evening, and I also had a nice chat with Tammy.
In the morning I must call the DA about my tapes. Tracy never returned my calls. Carol told me to call the DA. God, I hope and I pray all goes well with that! Please, God! Let me have all my tapes back. Please! Know what they mean to me. Know they will not be abused. I have learned my lesson once and for all. Please, if there's a God and he can hear me, please let me have all my tapes as they were.
I don't know just when I will go to bed, but I should soon. That way I won't sleep too late.
1/31/1992 Fri. 1:30 AM
I am on the phone now with Bob but he just hung up. He's got a new job and is tired and must get up at 5:00 this morning. Lucky for him he's so tired. I wish I could say the same for myself. The truth is, I got myself on a screwy schedule again as I knew I would.
I've got to call Carol back tomorrow. I called the DA's office that's been jerking me around since day one and they will not speak to me. Only Tracy can call them but she hasn't called them, the PD or me. So I told them fine, defense wins in this case and I'm going to take matters into my own hands now and handle the rest of this case by myself. I will get those tapes back.
As usual, I only spoke to Kim for two seconds. She was only home an hour and God only knows if she's home yet. For her to be out at 2:00 in the morning, though, would mean she's on an ambulance all.
I started to pack a little more but I wish Tammy would hurry up and call with a definite date. That way I can get started with all the bullshit I've got to do both here and when I get there. Here, I must go to the bank, figure out a way to transfer my prescriptions, call SS and food stamps, put in a change of address at the post office. I've also got to get groceries and figure out what the hell to do about Sheila. She has to be able to see me Tuesday as that's one day Kim's free. I will call her tomorrow. When I move I'll have to get a new doctor like Dr. Leitch, get that lactose test, see a dentist, call SS and food stamps and get a new bank.
I just had some cereal and looked through my photo album. I opened up my skylight and some other windows after I put the ceiling fan on and aired this dusty place out. I sure am gonna miss the ceiling fan, the skylight, the Jacuzzi, the dishwasher, garbage disposal, washer, dryer and all this space. And central AC, too.
As soon as I move, I will save up to buy a secondhand washer.
I am sitting here listening to my tapes of Andy calling the CC. He's having a “major problem” with looking out his window and seeing cactuses and palm trees. He also says it is very warm out with lots of sunshine. Everyone else is telling him it's dark out and very cold out. He also has a very very strange sister who has a crazy laugh and says all these things that make no sense at all.
I took an old bathing suit which is too big, cut the material and covered one of my not-too-attractive journals with it. Sort of like how you put a book cover on a book.
I'm doing much better at changing my schedule than I thought I would. I called Sheila and she's moved my appointment from Mon. at 4:15 to Tues. at 10:15. I will fill out the transfer papers with her. Mon. at 6:30 I see Cassandra.
I called Sally and Jill. Jill answered and she now has her own room. She said she'll be having lunch with Sally and will give her my new number. They never got my new number after they returned from vacation as Jill said the system was down. They both sound super nice and who knows? Maybe I can get a little fun before I move. Of course, the question is, will I get so lucky again as far as sexual attraction? And so soon, too?
I called Carol, who got a call from the DA's office. I'm gonna call Chief B next Mon.
I spoke to George too, who said it was fine with him if I drain the waterbed out the bedroom window in the front. Kim was paranoid about that and insisted we do it out the back. I told Kim that water wouldn't destroy the planet. It rains and snows, doesn't it?
George emptied my barrel outside and it broke cuz it was frozen so he gave me a new one. He said I could take it with me and that they'd give me boxes.
I think I'll go now and listen to some more tapes.
Mark's awake. I just heard him flush the toilet. Mark played a funny prank on me the other day. I also played one on him in return. I will write all about that later.