Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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1991-12-29 17:36:35 (UTC)

December 1991 (second half)

12/16/1991 Mon. 7:33 PM

I'm not going to write much as I need to go to sleep. I did my grocery shopping today but all my food is gonna have to wait. Even though everyone else thinks I'm crazy I want to lose 7 pounds. The scale says 97 and I look like I weigh 110. That tells me something. That tells me I really need to do some serious exercising and stick to it for a while even though I'm far from being out of shape. So for the next 3 or 4 days, I'll be on a liquid diet, taking vitamins and drinking Slim-Fast. If I stick to it I'll be guaranteed easily to lose those 7 pounds. It's been a while though since I've done this so I'll definitely want to eat. If I control that, the 7-pound loss is 100% guaranteed.

Ok, time for bed. Tomorrow I have several things to write about. I will not forget to do so. I'll write about what Kim and I are gonna do tomorrow evening. I'll write about Andy and also Sally and Jill and more things I haven't yet written on the CC. I kept forgetting and forgetting.

Well, like I said, time for bed. I'm extremely tired and the cleaning crew never came last night. I hope this doesn't mean they're coming tonight.

12/17/1991 Tues. 4:40 AM

I woke up 40 minutes ago. I feel good, too. I didn't wake up wheezing like I did the night before last. I had 5 messages on my machine when I got up.

One from dad, who says I can expect a package from UPS with a couple of cartons of cigarettes.

Yes!! He said he knows I probably do not smoke the brand he's sending, but who cares? It saves me an awful lot of money that I now can use towards other stuff.

He says there's other stuff in the package but he didn't say what. I love packages. It's only a bummer when the clothes are too big and not my style. Or I'm sent something I absolutely can't stand or can't use or already have.

Fran was the second message.

The other 3 were from Cassandra who wants to move today's appointment up earlier in the day. She said she'll call me this morning.

Hope all is well with Andy who just started work at another Denny's. I still have to finish his bracelet and send him a letter while I'm at it. I have another letter ready to go out to Fran.

Tonight Kim and I are going to make all kinds of bows with this bow-making thing she has.

Now, to write about the other thing I forgot to mention about CC. Like I did mention, about 4 nights ago I was miserably depressed. That night, however, turned into a pretty amusing night. I spoke to a guy named Bill who told me they all had me and Andy figured out months ago. Even though it is inappropriate, they said, and that we can't do it again, they said it was very well done. Bill and Tammy said it was creative putting together the plot and the acting ability. When I asked Bill if he knew about the edits, he said no. I played him quick bits and pieces so he could get an idea. Then he said I ought to check into ways I can use my taping knowledge. I jokingly came out and said, "Yeah, you guys tape yourselves singing, laughing or whatever, send me that tape plus a blank with a self-addressed stamped envelope. You send the tools; I'll do the work since I have no money. Then I'll edit you and send you back the original (the master) and the edits." So, he definitely seemed very interested and is gonna discuss this with everyone after Christmas. That's really cool to be editing for the CC. So, Bill said he was glad I called back and that it was a very positive talk.

The next night I spoke to Tammy who had spoken with Bill about our talk and also the taping. She too said she likes to hear me happier and said I was bright and had a lot to offer even over the phone. Also, I had a great sense of humor, she said. As I discussed this all with Cassandra last Saturday, it's one thing to have goals but it's another to not be able to act on them. I told her that until I move into a subsidized place with a bus line, there's not much I can do. When I have the extra money and transportation, I'll check into some of the ideas I have come up with as well as other people's suggestions.

Yesterday I spoke briefly with Sally and Jill. Even though they're swamped with finals, we all really do want to meet. They really really do seem so nice, honest and sincere. Both have nice speaking voices and are not butchy at all. If I can’t have gorgeous, I hope and pray to God that they're so-so and not pitifully ugly.

12/20/1991 Fri. 11:33 AM

The last few days have been crazier than hell. Once again, I really wanted nothing more than to just drop dead. There's been some fairly good stuff going on, too.

I just got my bangs trimmed a little while ago and boy did they need it.

I also got mom and dad's package yesterday. There were two cartons of Cambridge smokes, some powder, a lighter, a neon braided bracelet and two very pretty barrettes and a key chain, too.

Cassandra wondered if I'd ever been molested as a child. If I was, I have no memory of it.

Kim gave me tons of stamps which is great. She went out and bought 70 stamps. I'll be doing plenty of letter writing along with a letter I've started for my parents. I like to take my time on letters over the course of a few days or a week.

As far as court goes, nothing happened as the lazy idiots who are allowed to take their time, goof off and do whatever the hell they want in Northampton, haven't spoken with Greenfield yet. I have to be back in court on Jan. 15th in Northampton. When I go to Greenfield on Jan. 8th to see Sheila, you can bet your ass I'm gonna file charges against both Jenny and Maliheh. Then all I have to do when Kim knows her schedule is reschedule that lactose test and my dentist appointment. Also, go down to see Tammy sometime.

Now it's time to write about the biggest nightmare here on Elm St. since I last wrote. Between both Peter and I, we've managed to solve the problem. I hope. By Dec. 24th when I pick up my phone and hear a dial tone, then there'll be real peace of mind. Since I never expected mom and dad to suddenly cry poor, I figured for sure I'd be moved on Jan. 2nd as she told me. So with my phone in “Maria S's” name, I went on a field day.

She's both doing me a favor and not doing me a favor by backing out. Conveniently, when I got in trouble with the phone. Not that I'd expect her to be thrilled by me getting into trouble but she did give her word 3 years ago that she'd move me. To her choice of place, of course. I was hoping she'd pay to move me into a market rent place, subsidize me and then as soon as I got a subsidized place I'd pay on my own. I mean, until and if anyone could get a subsidized apartment, who wouldn't want to pay their own rent with money leftover? Also, there'd be no strings attached. Total independence. Car rides are a different ballgame. I would usually be able to count on the bus, though. A cab would be affordable on the days Tammy was busy or the times no buses run.

So, to wrap it up for now as my hand's getting tired, “Maria S's” phone got shut off yesterday. She rang up a $1,700 bill. Therefore, Jodi Lin ran next door to let the phone company know Maria took off. No one knows where she is so Peter M let me move in. They gave me a new number to be connected on the 24th. Meanwhile, I ran downstairs and spoke with Peter. I told him that until I move, the phone is my only connection to life. Friends, scheduling appointments, the CC and in case I have a deadly asthma attack. I told him the story of Maria and he said he'd back it up.

Shadow just jumped up on my lap.

1:18 PM

I just finished eating and I've now decided what to do till 3:00 when Matlock comes on. It's definitely time to do some editing. Last night's project was fun. During my first few journals, it took me a while to get organized. I took last year's calendar and Kim's old calendar too and covered up all the unnecessary doodling which made it sloppy looking. All the phone numbers and little notes which should've been written on a pad that was on the front and back inner covers. I'm currently listening to an old tape of Fran playing his Batman story out on the CC. I can just imagine what they think of this weird and very strange case. Time to do my editing. I'll write more later on.

8 PM

I finally got my editing done and now I'm quite tired. I've been working on and off since 1:30 this afternoon. Not the funny edits, but editing down the conversations between several different people. Taking out blank spaces, ringing and boring stuff. I completely filled up the blank tapes Tammy and Kim gave me. I took the Laura Branigan tape with Fran on it and filled up the very end of the side I never listen to with edits. There's also a part in that tape where he's put on hold for a couple of minutes and he starts his obnoxious banging. I filled that in with Nervous and the timing was perfect.

Three more days till I have a phone. I hope all goes well with that! Perhaps there is a good God after all. Between me and my acting, Peter and Kim and I ought to be hearing a dial tone on the 24th.

Andy's no doubt freaking out, thinking what the fuck?!?! I'll have to call him Tuesday, and thank God he has a voicemailbox as he probably won't be home. I'll also call mom and dad, Cassandra, Tracy, the PD, CC, Sally and Jill and God knows who else.

12/21/1991 Sat. 8 PM

Right now I am in such a shitty-ass mood. I just got done yelling at of Shadow. God, am I sick of his shit, destruction, and always having to babysit that fucking cat.

I am so lonely and bored. Why oh, why did I listen to and believe Kim's bullshit? You'd think someone like me shouldn't fall for a trap like that. Why did I believe her or ever rely on her? Why did I up and move away with someone even if I felt comfortable as I do? Never again will I believe or trust anyone. All these things she promised we'd do. Forget about the ear operation. I don't know who I'm more pissed off at. Her or me. How do other people get other people who promise certain things to follow through with them? I'm not saying I'm the only one who's had to deal with people who never put their actions where their mouths are, but that's all I get. I don't know whether to blame myself or not, even though it'd sure be easier. Why is it that all I get as friends or sex partners are people who aren't always bad, but aren't as good as I thought they'd be? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Is it me? Is it life? Am I surely 100% cursed?

As time passes, experiences with life and people only make me more and more doubtful. More negative and less motivated to pursue music and find a one-nighter. Also, reality and God's plan are making me feel more and more hopeless. Life's a complete waste of time. There's no place or purpose for me in this life.

I sang like shit today and there's also the never-ending reality that there's no way off the cigarettes. It's ruined my life and it'll continue to ruin that as well as my singing up to my full vocal potential. The congestion will just fill up and up till I choke and die. Personally, I don't give a shit and want to die more and more, and if the asthma doesn't kill me soon, I will. I cannot live like this.

I have no desire to be attracted to men but couldn't I just be a butch lover? I wish I was madly attracted to butches.

I wish I wanted to do some other line of work as bad as I want to sing.

The only good thing about today is that I cleaned the hell out of my place and I do feel better physically. Mentally I feel like my life is hopeless, gone, over, finished, destroyed. I have not felt so suicidal since age 17.

I hate life. I hate Kim and I can't wait to abandon her when I move someday. She can feel what it's like, even though it won't be a great loss to her. She has Mark, many friends, family, work and a life.

I'll never get the phone and how dare I think positive even though they gave me a number to be turned on next Tues. God will step in and shut it off. This particular punishment's gonna last a while.

12/23/1991 Mon. 3:51 PM

Right after I last wrote, Kim came over and we talked for an hour. I ended up feeling much better. Last night I spent a lot of time with both Kim and Mark next door and we all had a lot of fun.

Their Christmas tree is absolutely beautiful. Once again, if we celebrated Christmas, it would've been so much more fun. Especially as a kid. It's quite pretty compared to 8 boring candles.

I gave them their Christmas present which I made for them since I cannot afford to buy them anything. I took 6 pieces of construction paper, punched 3 holes out along the side, then tied them off with thin pretty colored yarn to make a booklet. I also used Kim's stapler so the yarn couldn't rip through. Lastly, using all my colored Crayola markers, I wrote tons of our lines, edits and bits of journals backward or straight across. It was fun and they loved it.

Today we're gonna listen to some new edits I made last night taken from conversations with the CC or Bob. I am going to do more editing later as well as make a call from Kim's house in response to an ad that had Kim, Mark and I flipping with shock. Of course, I know there will be either no results or disappointing results when I call the Valley Advocate personals. This ad stated that this thin, feminine, 27-year-old female with a great sense of humor was looking to meet another feminine thin female around her age. Shocking, huh? And the word feminine was capitalized.

I have 25 stamps now and I've got to finish all my letter writing and send Andy his bracelet once and for all. Also, finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill and the girls on their swings.

Speaking of Tammy, she left a message on Kim's machine last night saying they're all coming up tomorrow. That was an unexpected yet very pleasant surprise, as I was thinking of how nice it'd be if they came up. I just cleaned the hell out of this place and it'll be nice for them to see it all fixed up and redecorated.

I finally saw what it looks like on top of the bedroom and the hall. I was like, wow! This is cool. It's huge. What a perfect place to make a loft or another bedroom if you had a roommate. Andy would've loved it and it'd be so much more private. However, I doubt he'd enjoy climbing up there. It is huge and if you work around the pipes up there, you could throw a few queen-size mattresses up there easily on each side. It sure is filthy and a little harder to breathe up there but Shadow likes it. I changed Shadow's litter box earlier and went out to get the mail.

I was shocked to see that it really wasn't too cold out. Lately, it's been bitter cold.

Was I also ever shocked to see what came in the mail, too! Well, not really as I knew it was coming… Maria S's phone bill in a huge manila envelope since a regular one couldn't hold it all. I was cracking up hysterically but I won't be if they try to make me pay it back by somehow discovering only I live here. Also if I don't hear a dial tone tomorrow. The bill was $1,732.06 and Kim and Mark couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh. Wait till I tell Andy. I'd tell Tammy but I don't know if I could trust her to keep it between us and spare mom and dad heart attacks.

I also got the lifeline discount plan for SSI recipients from the phone co. The rest was all junk mail.

If all goes well with the phone tomorrow, I've got to notify Andy, Tracy, Sally and Jill if I can get a hold of them and maybe Fran. Also Cassandra.

I'm gonna run next door and see if anyone's home and make sure they got their mail. I grabbed it while I grabbed mine.

Earlier I polished my nails with polish Tammy gave me and did my hair which came out good. It is getting oh so long.

I've got to gather up any stuff I want to give Tammy or the girls.

10:10 PM

Tammy called Kim to say that they'd all be here at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

I thought Linda was gonna be on channel 3, so Kim left her door open for me before she left. Linda wasn't on but as I was flipping through the channels, I came across that gay and lesbian calendar I've been hearing so much about. What I saw really disgusted me. Those damn butches! They defeat the purpose. What's the point of being a gay woman if not for the femininity of a woman? Are they attracted to men or women? I know if I was attracted to what I just saw I'd get the real thing and get a man. If they want something masculine they must consider me a major turn-off. I get less and less motivated into putting any effort into meeting people. Forget about whether or not they're gonna screw me over or play head games or try to change me. I only want sex (lust) not a commitment, but there's no lust, spark and worthwhile sex with an ugly dog. It's not fair and it really sucks. Especially when you see someone who does want a relationship go out and get it with someone they're attracted to, or not caring if they're attracted to the person or not. Now here I am only wanting very very occasional one-nighters and what do I get? Why are they always ugly or just no big deal? Imagine viewing a person, realizing they're ugly, yet being able to have sex with them and get turned on and enjoy it. Regardless of whether or not you hate, like or love them. And no matter if you know them well, a little, or not at all. I'm so envious of those people who can do that.

Bad news from Tammy. Apparently, Andy called her and she told Kim he lost his phone, heat, and is trying to hang onto his apartment. Great. Tomorrow, just as I get a phone, he loses his. What makes no sense, though, about Andy losing his phone, is that I thought he was either billing his calls or cut way down on his long-distance calls. Every time he's gotten a phone bill, he's told me how thrilled he is over how low it is so maybe he ended up getting re-billed for calls. Maybe he can have his landlord do what mine did... say Michael N took off and get it in his own name.

God, do I ever hope I get my phone tomorrow!

Well, I really ought to try and catch some sleep now. It figures they'd be coming up at 10:00. These people are up so early but they have no choice with 3 kids. I'm really surprised, but happy they're coming up.

12/24/1991 Tues. 2:51 PM

Tammy, Bill and the girls came up today. They spent a couple of hours and it was fun. Bill and I went out and got a pizza and I got some milk, two bananas and a candy bar. The girls look great and they're getting bigger all the time. Lisa's almost my height and before long she'll be taller.

Still no dial tone on my phone. With my luck, they've decided not to give me a phone. Maybe it was a tease and they'll say, "Ha. So you thought you were gonna get a phone? No way, and we know who Maria S's really is, and you're gonna pay back every penny."

Kim and I are going to Hampshire mall soon.

12/29/1991 Sun. 1 AM

Things have gotten worse and worse. I had no idea they'd get this bad. I haven't felt so bad in so long that constantly reminding myself of the fact I'm not at home or any of the places I was in as a kid doesn't even help much. It's scary. So aren't the thoughts that have been going over and over in my mind. It makes me wonder how much more I can endure before I totally lose it and go off the deep end. Will it get so bad that there'll be no way to rationalize what I may do? How can I continue to subject myself to so much misery? The boredom, isolation and reality that I'll never have anything I really want. Never find a way to be able to settle and settle happily. When will I ever be able to do the things that are so easy to say? Will I get to the point of not being able to stop myself from ending it by trying to count my blessings? Will I lose control and all sense of rationality and reasoning? There's no accepting this situation anymore. No more blessings to count, as this is bad enough. I know at the same time it sucks and isn't fair and I'm overdue for a break that I am being punished. Take the phone for example. There are 3 punishments and one prevention out of that. The prevention is from meeting any women. The punishments are cuz of my prank calls, trying to meet people and ringing up that bill, the second dumbest mistake of my life. I never figured at the time mom and dad were gonna back out of moving me. Now I can't even trust or rely on my own parents. That's people for you but it's one thing for them to back out of moving me to Arizona, another to CT. Their choice. One they've talked about for nearly 4 years now.

This coming Monday I'm supposed to go to Springfield and show them my ID to get a phone in my name. I'm gonna hype up a story about Maria S's phone service, but I highly doubt God will let me have my phone back so soon. I doubt he'd consider that ample time to be punished for a $1,700 phone bill. I'm also scared that they may not buy my story and that I may quite possibly be walking into some serious trouble and a major trap.

God, I've had enough trouble and I'm on probation. It's my only connection to life and when you have asthma this bad, it's scary. I could use some conversation here and there with the CC and there's other stuff too. Family, friends and making appointments. It's like, God please, if you can hear me, I beg of you to allow me my phone back. I've been greatly compensated enough. You've denied me a career as a singer, I'll never have sex again and believe me, I have been paying for my mistakes.

Cassandra was supposed to come last Friday at noon and God knows how we're gonna get in touch with each other. She's probably worried and wondering if I moved. That day I was feeling like I do now and I really really need to see her desperately.

On Jan. 8th I have to go see Sheila and on Jan. 15th I have to go to Northampton court. I'm wondering how the hell I'll be getting there. Kim will be back at Baystate ER, Bob's car is dead, and Mark's such a true friend at heart. Even if Mark's not gonna be busy, I don't know about him.

12/30/1991 Mon. 6:26 PM

Once again there is a good God after all! I have gotten a phone for sure!! Yes, I have a phone! A connection to life! I made a deal with the phone co. to put long-distance blocks on my line and they went along with it. Thank fucking God! It'll be hooked up tomorrow. I've got to let Tammy know, who was proud of me and quite happy about the blocks. Tammy's gonna tell mom and dad. They can call me on New Year's Eve as I can receive long-distance calls. Tammy, Bill and the girls are going to Etta's house (Bill's sister).

Somehow I'll notify Andy and Fran and I can get in touch with Cassandra just as soon as it's working. Cassandra lives in Sunderland and is listed so I'll call her home phone. The Institute at Newton (the agency she works out of) is long distance in Westfield.

I'll call the CC, too, and also Tracy to let them know I'm alive. I feel like I've just barely made it through. Believe me when I say I'd hate to endure any more trouble, be it my fault or not. I've got to behave and I hope shit starts to work out. I need a good long break from any kind of bullshit from anyone. It was bad enough having to go through all the isolation and all the other stuff out here all alone in the boonies. Therefore, one can just imagine how it feels to do it with no phone. Now I have a little less of that caged animal feeling knowing I can call the CC when I hit the really really low spots in my life while I'm still living here.

Also, I don't have to fear for my life if I have an asthma attack and no one was home next door. Like I said, an asthma attack is no way to go no matter how much you may wish at that moment you could drop dead. I can also schedule the appointments I need to make.

I called Tammy from Kim's phone and as soon as my phone's working I'm gonna leave that ad again from her phone. That way this gay woman who claims to be ultra-feminine can call me.

Speaking of Kim, she just won a contest naming 3 songs in a row over the phone. I don't know which radio station but she won a weekend stay for two at the Marriott. Either in Springfield or Boston. I hope it's Springfield. She doubts Mark is gonna want to go and I sure hope she's right. Man, oh man, do I ever need a vacation! I love staying in hotels and being able to go swimming! Maybe we can work on convincing him how much he'd hate it.

12/31/1991 Tues. 1:20 AM

I am extremely tired, but I'd really rather stay up and write. I have nothing to get up early for in the morning. Thank heavens as for the last 3 days or so I haven't slept jack diddly.

Earlier in the evening, Kim went roller skating and she said she'd ask Tony if he could bring me to court. She says he's not working and is bored.

Kim took me to Cumberland's for a few things before going shopping and getting other stuff. When we left, we went down her stairwell. She dropped me off on my side, as this was right when she was on her way to go skating. After a few good hard tugs on my doorknob, which is frozen with ice, I saw a Dunkin Donuts napkin. It was from Cassandra saying twice she attempted to see me and that she'd try again. That made me feel so good and I miss her and really need to see her. I like her and she's a great person. Poor Cassandra's probably scared shitless. I'd assume she went into Peter's office downstairs and he and Sharon told her what was going on and that I'm alive. I hope so. That way she's got some peace of mind.

Believe it or not, I even miss Bob. Bob and Sandra really are nice people despite all their troubles. As if I should be the one to talk. Should I know about troubles? What a great and welcome relief when things finally start to fall into place and work themselves out for the better.

If I was happier more often I'd take these happy moments more for granted. However, I really need to be feeling happier no matter what. It's well due to me and I feel I deserve it now. Cassandra said what I've heard a few others say and that was that perhaps this is a strengthening period I'm going through.

Give me a break. I can't see how much more "strengthening" I need and can take. I'm very experienced with all that crap.

Too bad Bob's car croaked. I needed him around when Kim's was unavailable to get me places I needed to go. Bob, Sandra and I had fun going food shopping together. Sandra would push the cart. Bob would hold the coupons and the calculator. I would take stuff off the shelf and toss it into the cart.

As I was going through all my journals inspecting the little ribbons Kim gave me that I'd turned into bookmarks, I got several laughs. I have misspelled so many words, screwed up sentences, and really rearranged some stuff. I could very well tell when I was drop-dead tired. That's when the double words come in. I dig one sentence in my first journal. Mary C, not Mary D, had a brother Doug who had a major crush on me and wanted to "change" me. They were living on Bradley Rd. at the time and they were pranking me and I was pranking them. Then one day over the phone, we were all cracking up hysterically over the calls and what we'd said to one another. In my journal, I first wrote: I am talking talking to Doug now. We are discussed the phone calls.

Reading back on other stuff was funny. Like certain stuff with Nervous. I don't miss anyone from Springfield at all. Some of them I used to miss and wished they weren't such airheads.

Other than missing Andy, I really wish at times that Nervous had a car and was back in his worst obsession with me cuz I really miss playing with his head. Everyone knows he loved it too, till Andy came around. The competition finally wore him out completely. I wish I could play my "crossed call waiting" game with him and tape him and Fran or Andy going at it.

I sort of miss Jai and Steve, but neither of them has a phone. I have no idea if they've moved or not. The people I sure don't miss at all are Mary C, Mary D, Jo, Nancy, Hank, Emily and Jessie. Jessie really disappointed me in the end. She and all the others I just named, I don't despise her with a passion, I just feel nothing. I can no longer feel much as it's been an awfully long time. There are probably other people I've forgotten, too, like Jimmy and Crystal. After Crystal pulled her shit on me, I felt sad, as she was otherwise a good person. We had lots of fun and for a while, I was bummed out. Shocked too, cuz I was so naïve back then.

7:15 PM

I got my phone all hooked up today. I'm so thrilled about that. I called Cassandra at her home and left my new number on her machine. I called the CC and Sally and Jill. I expected to get a recording saying their phone's been disconnected but their machine came on. I left my new number with Tracy's secretary and, of course, I haven't heard from her yet. She isn't very punctual with returning calls promptly. I need to call Sheila to reschedule the appointment we have on the 8th.

I hope all goes well as far as transportation is concerned for the 15th in Northampton.

Kim's working non-stop orientation and is going to Florida from Jan. 10-23. Bob's never gonna be able to get his car fixed and Tony may be busy. Tony's got a new job but he has the split shift deal, which may mean something could be worked out. Kim said that if worse came to worse, she'd give me money for a taxi. That's gonna be an awful lot of money. I'm also wondering how I'm ever gonna go grocery shopping. The appointment for that lactose test and the dentist also need rescheduling.

Earlier I spoke with Bob who sounded horrible as he does 365 days a year. This year it'll be 366 days.

I managed to notify Fran and Andy of my new number. Andy's phone has not been disconnected as I suspected. I suspected it wasn't disconnected, I mean. I thought Tammy was through with lying to me and I only can trust her partially, I told her. I don't buy half the stuff she's been telling me about mom and dad either. For a family who's got so many secrets - I don't know. What's important is worrying about my life only. Within reason, that is, naturally.

Fran called me back shortly after I left my new number on his machine. We spoke for a while, then a great thing happened. Oh, it was absolutely fantastic!

Using Fran's 3-way, he called Nervous at Feinstein's Leather, he answered and was alone there. At first, only he and I spoke and he was quite pleasant till Fran butted in. Most of the time I'd back out to get them on tape going at it. I'd say Kim's knocking on my door or something like that and man, did they really go off on each other. It was so funny. I even edited the bulk of the conversation.

Tonight, New Year's Eve will be the worst ever as well as all the other holidays. I feel so deprived and so left out. Here I am so young, wanting to go get all decked out, go out dancing and have a night full of great sex, then get rid of the person the next day. I feel so alone and I'll be bored out of my mind. I do intend to watch two hours of TV, but big deal. It's New Year's Eve. I have no choice but to pretend I don't care as bitching about it is gonna get me nowhere. Same as I must try doing with other issues.

Out of all the years I've been out on my own, 1991 was definitely the worst. I still feel like I have no future and life will be one big boring drag. I'll never see any of my dreams come true. What else do I do to be happy, fulfilled and content? I'll never find myself professionally now that a singing career is off the table. I'll never get over that fact and I'll always be so hurt and never be able to forget it and move on from there. There'll always be intense anger as well as sadness. Why couldn't God have made me rich? It's a rich man's world and everything takes money. No matter what you're starting or trying to get into, it's one or the other - sex or money. Or power, too, I guess. Some serious connections like Gloria having Emilio. I'm sure Gloria has her problems but imagine being happily married for 12 years, having a kid and a great career. One she's happy with and wanted badly and could achieve the way she wanted to. Safely with no sex. Money and plenty of support. Having a great husband who's also your manager and producer. Gay or straight, if she never had someone like that and was like me, she'd only be able to make it by sleeping her way there. That is if she would've been willing to do that. One in billions of people stay together for 12 years. And are happy too. How the hell can a person like me who doesn't want a relationship and has no money make it?

I told Fran he could call me at 12:30 tonight to wish me a shitty New Year's Eve. Mom and dad will probably call, too. Nervous told me he's seen Jai and I told him to give Jai my new number.

Shadow looks so cute with this pearl necklace of mine he's wearing. I built him a little tent too. I took an old torn-up sheet and draped it over a chair and he's quite happy with it.

10:14 PM

I just watched TV. I hope mom and dad call later. I wonder what Kim's gonna be doing tonight? Probably sleeping, ambulance calls or doing something with her friends or family. Mark's working. I think.

Great. A Jaclyn Smith movie's on Sunday.

Kim left me a few pictures she took and made copies of. They're of me moving in with Mark and Kim helping me. There are also 2 pictures of me sitting at Kim's piano with Shadow and 3 taken by Bob the night of my birthday. I have mailed these pictures to mom and dad and they must send them back.

After I got my phone back earlier today, I discovered something really neat. I mean it's way cool. Different from Springfield. In Springfield, when I'd call my own number, I'd get a busy signal, hang up and that was it. Here, I called my own number to be sure it was the one they said it'd be. I heard a busy signal and the second after I hung up, my phone rang. When I picked it up I heard two half-rings and then silence. So if I ever want to test my answering machine or phone ringers, I can do it myself without anyone calling me.