Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
1991-12-09 17:36:21 (UTC)

December 1991 (first half)

12/1/1991 Sun. 3:37 AM

Andy's calling people while I play the tapes of Fran and other people.

Soon, I am going to try to go to sleep. I just listened to music a little while ago. Now as I lay here, quietly thinking to myself I realize a few things. The bulk of my life I'd never want to relive. However, there are a few things I miss. I really miss Nervous. Not entirely, though. Most of the time he was a sick major fucking asshole. Back when he was obsessed with me, it was a major embarrassment. Back then I didn't know a lot of things I know now. It's one of those cases where you say to yourself, if I only knew then what I know now. I also never had 3-way calling then or knew that it even existed. If I could do certain parts of the time when Nervous was so obsessed with me, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Both Kim and Mark came over earlier. I had coffee for Mark and then I showed both of them my stuff from Tammy. I showed them how I put my place back together again. Even if I was gonna move on Jan. 2nd, I never should've taken down all my stuff. It was so bare and depressing. So empty and boring despite how beautiful this place is. Cassandra won't recognize it. She called today to reschedule for 6:00 Monday evening and I told her I put my stuff back. It took me a few hours to do it but it was worth it and it gave me something to do. I rearranged certain things differently this time. It all looks awesome.

Monday I also have to go to fuel assistance, but I forgot what time so I'll have to call them early in the morning. What an idiot I am for not writing it down. I usually write it down, and if I don't, I still at least remember the date and time.

I also have to call Tracy about the $40 fee. Tammy cannot help me with that now and I refuse to pay. I was not only led on to believe I'd get my tapes back. I was also led to believe the fee would be waived. Plus, I think they owe me that much after the way they overstepped their boundaries. They've screwed up more than I've screwed up.

On the 5th I go to see my probation officer. On the 6th for that lactose tolerance test. Believe me, I'm anxious to get that done. On the 9th I go to Dr. Leitch who should have the test results by then. With my luck, the test will be negative and I'll be so fucking bloated just because and there'll be nothing I can do about it. No. I'm sure the test will be positive.

I really have to get some sleep now and my hand is killing me!

4:20 PM

Instead of waking up at 10:30, I got up at 1:00. That's not bad, though.

I haven't spoken to Kim yet today, but I did speak to Tammy and Fran. I'm playing the edit tape Tammy had right now. I've also watched some videos they lent me.

God, as much as I'm going to dread giving up this apartment, I really want to hurry up and move. Cuz of my phone bill along with all the other bills. I shouldn't have lived it up so soon on the phone. I also never assumed ma would back out. That's people for you, though. That's life too, whether or not they have a legit excuse.

I know I'll never have anything going for me. At least not anything spectacular. First best and anything else that really matters to me. However, I sure would love to have extra money after I pay for the things I need.

I saw part of those projects and they're absolutely nothing like the crack houses in Springfield. I'll have family, buses and a little more of a life even though I know I'll never have the life I really want. I know my whole life will revolve around second best and I may be bored and bummed out a lot. Feeling cheated and wondering what my purpose in life is. Wondering how I could've believed all those years that I knew my destiny. Figured I'd be connected with the right people somehow somewhere. I'll never know why God took away what was and should've been meant to be. Is it a punishment or is it protection? Why did he give me a voice? Why am I so cut out for that type of life and career?

Why am I never allowed to have sex with a person I'm sexually attracted to? I am, however ready to accept a life of complete celibacy. 10% of the time I'll be unhappy with that, but what can I do? However fair or unfair or due to a curse, I can't change what's meant to be or not meant to be. Thinking positively or negatively will never bring me these things if God feels I shouldn't have them. I only know he's got his reasons and maybe I'll never know why. I'll never have any answers anymore and have pretty much quit trying to figure things out. I've learned that from experience. There have been too many things I thought I knew the answers to and why. I thought I knew that certain things were meant to happen and would happen. Instead, I learned the hard way never to count on it until it does or doesn't happen. The longer I go without trying, the easier it gets not to try. Especially now that I've learned a positive, confident attitude isn't guaranteed to get me anywhere. And then when it comes to music or sex, it'll get me nowhere. It pisses me off but at least it's becoming easier to handle with time. You accept it and expect it no matter what mood you're in.

12/2/1991 Mon. 1:48 AM

Well, Chanukah began at sundown this evening. Dad called and we really had a very nice talk. We discussed my visit to Tammy's and the time with the girls I spent. We also discussed my move whenever the hell that happens. Lastly, I asked him to guess how long my hair is. First, he said down to the floor. Then he said to the crack of my ass, so I told him it'd be there with 3 more inches.

I hope I'm not up all night. Bob's gonna give me a wake-up call at 9:00. That's when fuel assistance opens. I've got to find out the time of my appointment. I'll have to put up with Bob's mouth which is a zillion times worse than mine along with his problems, but it's worth the ride. When Kim can't get me to any of my appointments, Bob's the backup driver. Even Kim's fed up with him even though he is a very nice guy. Bob reminds me of 3 people. Nervous, Fran and Hank. Mainly Hank, and Nervioso, though.

Speaking of Fran, I spoke to him earlier.

I'm sure glad dad called. I was becoming really bummed out, then he got me all cheered up.

Kim was in a foul mood too, and I got her all cheered up which she was grateful for. She thanked me. Of course, Kim's foul moods are a joke compared to mine.

However, as far as bad moods go, I really shouldn't knock myself as hard as I used to. About that I mean, as with time, I'm really handling my moods better and better. It gets easier and easier to keep from panicking the way I used to. That's what I mean when I say I've got so many things to be grateful for and feel lucky and proud about as well as cursed.

3:30 PM

In a half an hour from now, Bob and Sandra are gonna be picking me up. They're gonna take me to fuel assistance. My appointment isn't till 4:30. After that, I've got to run into a store for milk, soda and some munchies. I'd get cigarettes and cat food, too, but I haven't withdrawn any cash yet. Shadow still has some dry food, but he's not really into that. He prefers canned food.

I hope mom and dad send me some cash.

I left a message for Tracy regarding the $40 fee. I have yet to hear from her.

I went downstairs to pay my rent and Peter says he'll put the people who are interested in my place on hold. I explained to Peter how I need to wait for a subsidized apartment.

Bob says he has a 1992 calendar for me. That's nice of him and helps a lot.

I've got to be back by 6:00 cuz that's when Cassandra will be here. She sure will get a different view of the place since I've set it all back up. The way I've decorated it looks great. Some things are decorated the same as before. A couple of walls have been totally rearranged. I'm happy with the results.

Well, I have my bank statement ready and also a paper with information that Peter filled out. Believe me, this extra help from fuel assistance will go a long way. It's been a very, very desperate situation lately.

9:22 PM

Bob and Sandra came to pick me up at 4:00 and by a quarter after we got to Federal St. in Greenfield. As we pulled up, there was this cop I didn't recognize having this woman take sobriety test steps. Then, as I got out of the car, there was Mark. He says, "Hi Jodi," sort of shocked. He knew I was going to be going to fuel assistance and I called next door at 3:00. He was just about ready to jump in the shower. I'm simply not used to bumping into him or Kim anywhere other than right here in town. I really like Mark and I can see myself easily attracted to him if I was into guys. Of course, it'd be the same curse as I said it'd be either way. Gay or straight. The guy's married. Everyone I've been or could be interested in will be unavailable for a variety of different reasons. Like I told Cassandra earlier, there's no “bad luck” or “lousy coincidence.” Pointless to be either negative or positive. It's all a matter of meant to be or not meant to be. Cassandra agrees with me. Yes, there's a reason for everything. I'm just not always able to match a reason or explanation to everything in my life, good or bad. One thing is certain and I told Cassandra about it. I know I'll never have love, but I'll never again put up with abuse.

In two days I'm gonna be 26 and I was never even supposed to make it to my 16th b-day. So once again, I think of horrible things that I've gone through in the past. I think of all the things I really really want, know I'll never have them, and remain grateful. Try to say, "Well alright. It wasn't fair. I didn't deserve this or that yet I'm one lucky dog." I at least have a beautiful place to live. Clothes, jewelry and things to play with. I'm fairly decent looking, in shape, and muscular. I'm not at Valleyhead. I guess that's better than nothing or being homeless, crippled or like Fran. Yes, I know I'll never have sex with someone I'm attracted to. I know I'll never be a singer. It hurts and it's hard to accept but I guess I could be worse off. It's not fair but maybe I should settle a little more and not be so picky. The only thing I know I'll never settle for is going to bed with someone who doesn't turn me on. Even Cassandra could see that I'm quite at peace with myself about some issues. She could see that I'm not happy about the fact that I've never been to bed with someone who turns me on and never will. But she could see that I'm happy about being single and am glad that I want nothing more than sex. God, if I wanted the works, I'd really be in trouble. I used to though. People change like she said. Certain desires will never change for me. Like with wanting to be a singer. Others have.

I'll write about fuel assistance later. I'm going to go and watch some of those videos. Tammy and Bill have a lot of awesome movies. Also, I sang earlier and it was ok. I had slacked off on my exercises for a while so it got tight. Now it's more open and vibrant. Again, it's just like with trying to shape up your whole body. It takes a long time to get there, but once you do it's easier to maintain.

12/3/1991 Tues. 7:15 PM

Not much has happened since I last wrote. Last night I watched part of the last movie I borrowed from Tammy and Bill. I also spoke with Andy for a while. Tonight I'm gonna watch my shows. Maybe I'll finish that last movie too, and hope I get to bed at a fairly decent hour. Thursday I have to see my probation officer and hopelessly discuss that $40 fee. Tracy hasn't returned my fucking call yet and I’m not gonna play these games forever. I've also got to call the electric co. tomorrow to make sure I have a 35% discount and nothing less. Also, call SS for proof of benefits for an apartment in Norwich. Lastly, make an appointment to see a dentist. My teeth are a hideous mess.

12/4/1991 Wed. 3:30 PM

This has got to be the most boring birthday of my life. Yet, it's been the same as any other day lately. I do not feel any different from any other age other than my congestion and stomach problems. I'm the same person as well as a totally different person than I was two years ago. That's life I guess. However, I still say I'm very lucky to have come this far, even though the last several months have been the worst. At least I have learned a lot and do not have to fear for my mental and physical safety constantly.

I know I'll never find and experience great sex. I don't like it, but I accept it. Not being able to be a singer is something I'll never accept or let go of with no hard feelings. All I know is that if I do not take my life within the next year and allow myself to live, I sure hope settling will become easier. I hope I can learn how to settle for a nothing job someday. As far as accepting sex with a butch or a so-so, no way. Not in a billion years and I know I won't live that long.

Tomorrow, I have to go see my probation officer. I am nervous as all hell. In fact, I'm scared shitless.

I got no mail today but someone did try calling early this morning. Maybe it was mom and dad, Tammy or Andy. I don't know. It could've been Tracy, and I wonder why she hasn't returned my calls. I've been leaving messages since Mon. I’m through playing phone tag with her.

I called for proof of SS and SSI benefits and I also called music stores. Of course, no one has Gloria's songbook, but a place in Hadley is gonna order it.

12/6/1991 Fri. 9:49 PM

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. First of all, at about 5:30 PM on the evening of my b-day, Kim called. Immediately her call boosted my spirits and she took me to Ponderosa. Before we went out, before I forget to say, I got calls from Tammy, mom and dad. At Ponderosa I had the steak and lobster combo. Boy, did I ever enjoy it! It had been a while since I had eaten food like that. Believe me, I pretty well cleaned my plate, too. Of course, I still have all that shrimp Tammy gave me.

At the restaurant, we were waited on by a not overly pretty, yet pretty enough waitress named Sarah. She was incredibly friendly. After dinner, she placed a piece of cake with a candle in front of me and said, "Happy birthday." Sarah noticed Kim and I signing and said she wanted to learn. Also, friends of hers wanted to learn, too. She lives in Northampton and we exchanged phone numbers. I knew better though, and sure enough, no call yet. I don't know her schedule or anything like that, but I have kept my promise to myself. Enough's enough of me making the first move and approaching people. Or calling them. If someone's interested in me for whatever reason, let them take that first step for a change.

I haven't heard from Judy, either. Personally, I don't think I want to. Things feel not only screwed up but very very weird about her. I either get someone who's screwed up and if they follow through with getting together after we meet, we fuck each other up. Of course, they fuck me up more cuz they can't handle my being myself. Also, once again, not all that many people get this far and reach my level regardless of any setbacks I've had. People of bad backgrounds, I mean.

On the other hand, I had once hoped for a person with better financial standings and better background, figuring two things. One, her better background would boost my feelings towards myself or I'd feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed but hey, why not? Two, if she could pay for us to do things two low-income people can't do every now and then, I could make it up some other way. An example is that if she pays for movies or dinner, I'd do laundry and cleaning and stuff like that. It sounds like that's the way it should be and it'd balance out nicely, but it's unrealistic. Opposites clash.

Now, getting back to after dinner on my birthday. Well, when we came home, Kim told me to give her a few minutes to make a phone call. So, after waiting 5 minutes or so, I knocked on her door. She opened it and was in the dark holding a cute little cake with pastel colors she bought. I blew out the candles and made my b-day wish I know will never come true. As I blew out the candles, there was a sudden flash. At first, I thought of Mark till I realized he was working. Kim flipped on the lights and there was Bob. She had called him on her car phone while I ran into a store to buy ciggies.

12/7/1991 Sat. 12:27 AM

As I was last saying, I was fairly surprised by all that happened. I got a big photo album from Kim where I finally put all my drawings. Now they'll be safe. I've also put some songs I've written in there along with family and celebrity photos. I also stuck Kim's card in, too. It was so cool, the card she gave me. She wrote several of our funny "lines" in it.

She also gave me a cat mug and a wooden black cat you stick on top of a doorframe. A big huge one that looks like it's about to jump down from the window frame and a little one sitting upright.

She also gave me a big huge Hershey's chocolate kiss.

Bob gave me a wooden napkin holder he made himself. He carved dogs out of it.

The next day, Bob took me to see Sheila, my probation officer. At first, I was nervous as all hell, but she's really nice and I felt calmer after a while. After seeing Sheila, who I don't have to see till Jan. 8th of 1992, we went to a place called Mix-N-Match.

While I remember, before I write more, I'll be going into Greenfield court this Dec. 18th to get that $40 fee waived. When I do, I am definitely gonna get on with charging both Maliheh and Jenny. I'll be going to Northampton court too, of course, on Dec. 19th.

So, anyway, at Mix-N-Match, I got some really cute things much cheaper. It's a super nice bargain store. It's small yet has a lot of stuff. It is also not a crowd scene in there as it would be in Springfield. I got a placemat to put under Shadow's bowl, 2 lipsticks, cat litter, a pen, stationery, 2 bottles of nail polish and some ranch Doritos all for $11.

Then, when I got home there was a package outside my downstairs door. It was one of those free trial offers. You get 40 cheap pairs of earrings along with some groceries and household items. It was really nice. Only a few of the earrings were nice. Most of the other earrings I'll either give away or find some other purpose for them. I got a cute gold heart necklace which I'm gonna send Lisa for her b-day. Her b-day's Jan. 20th and she's gonna be 9. Sarah's 1 and Becky's 4.

1:28 AM

Some of the things I got in that trial package are nice. Noodle Roni, lemonade mix, Windex wipes, Ajax and a can of cat food. The only thing I got I wasn't interested in was a bag of pretzels. I gave them to Bob. I told Bob that “Bob's had a few drinks!!!” It’s one of our lines, but I won’t explain that one right now.

Yesterday I got a card with $25 from mom and dad which is just about gone now.

I called the police station and got my answering machine back along with my address book which had nothing to do with my case. Bob and Sandra took me there and then we went to Stop-N-Shit which I like much better than Food Fart. They have a wider variety of their store-brand soda and I also got 5 cans of cat food for 89¢. They're 3 for 89¢ at Food Fart. I also noticed they had journals unlike at Food Fart. They're not that spectacular and have 20 fewer pages in them and cheaper paper. But when I saw 2 for $5, I figured what the hell? They're the cloth-covered kind and they're both flower designs. Now I have 25 journals and I'm quite set for a long while. These journals will go faster than most of my other ones cuz they have fewer pages and fewer lines on which to write. I pulled them all off the shelf on my waterbed and wrote the addresses I lived at during the time I wrote in that particular journal. I won't take the journals that come after this one and put this address in. For example, if I take #24 and put this address in, I probably won't be here. I better not be!

Later on, I've got some interesting stuff to write about pertaining to a conversation I had with Fran who works at the CC. He is a very nice and very realistic guy. Perfect to talk to no matter what mood you're in.

5:24 PM

Will Cassandra be here any moment or not? I forgot. The appointment card she gave me made no sense and neither does what's written on my calendar.

12/8/1991 Sun. 10:16 PM

I am in a sucky, sucky mood right now. That's PMS. Every woman goes through it. Should I still consider drugs for something that's normal? Especially when I haven't hurt anyone, anything or myself? I don't know if the addiction and mental crutch and side effects are worth it. The asthma medication is enough and it's not like I'm totally flipping out or going on some mad rampage. I'm still lucky enough to be able to laugh and use my sense of humor even when I feel like shit, whether it's physically or mentally. Or do singing or other things I do. Usually, when I sing I feel a hell of a lot better. I'm so glad I'm not one of those all-serious or constantly tense types. I hate people who are always 100% tense or serious regardless of what's going on in their lives, and that are always in a hurry and feel everything has to be perfect. One slight little thing goes wrong and all hell breaks loose. They feel like shit so they've got to make someone else feel like shit.

12/10/1991 Tues. 12:05 AM

When I woke up I was so congested it was sickening. It had been building up and up. I had to stop the Augmentin as it played with my stomach and had yet to follow up with the Dr. for Cecelor. Cecelor is more effective and doesn't play tricks with my stomach. I knew I couldn't wait to see Dr. Leitch and had to get some immediate relief. They gave me an updraft and some Cecelor to get me started. Kim's gonna get the rest of that prescription on her way home from work tomorrow. They also gave me something for the yeast infection antibiotics cause. I'm starting to feel much better already. Even mentally, as I saw Cassandra earlier. We had a nice talk and I'm starting to feel very comfortable confiding in her. She wants to come back twice a week instead of once which is ok with me. She mentioned some idea pertaining to music she'd like to discuss with me this Fri. I have no idea what the heck it is. I'll just have to wait and see what she says.

Last night Andy called and we had a good talk. I hope he calls again later.

Now, I've got to go to the bathroom and maybe take a nice hot relaxing bath in the Jacuzzi. After that, I'll fix myself something to eat, listen to music and maybe do some taping. I'll change Shadow's box when the sun comes up. I'll be up for several more hours to reverse my schedule.

12/12/1991 Thurs. 3 AM

I've desperately got to get my schedule on days. I'll only sleep for a few hours whenever the hell I knock off. I'll get up, get ciggies and soda and also get my food stamps.

Kim and I both felt shitty and we managed to cheer each other up. I called Bob and gave him all my crazy lines. After I did that, he called Kim, and she, of course, pretended not to know what the hell was going on.

12/13/1991 Fri. 4:15 AM

The last few days have been sort of strange. Before I write about that conversation I had with Fran from CC, I'll update other things. First of all, I don't know what the fuck is taking Tracy so long to return my call. I've left numerous messages.

The night before last, I was so miserable. Once again reality was slapping me so hard in the face. It's really scary. My sister said I should give it up too, and I'll never get it but I wish it were as easy to do as it is to say. She said saying you need and want to settle is one thing. Doing it is another. So I thought about it and while I'm not sure yet what job I'll do, I've settled on something else. Personally, I don't care what job I do or what college I go to. A settlement's a settlement. Within reason, of course. For example, I'd never want to be a math teacher.

As far as the sex goes, I asked Andy's opinion and it was exactly what I've been considering. I asked him that if he knew and was 100% sure he'd never be able to sleep with someone he was attracted to, would he remain celibate forever or take a butch? He said if he were in my shoes, he'd take the butch cuz you can only be celibate for so long.

6:35 AM

Just as I was writing the last sentence, Andy called. I told him what I'm about to write in this book. I told him about how I spoke to the CC all scared and upset. How all I felt like doing was filling up my tub, jumping in and then throwing my blow dryer in. Holice, a woman who works there, checked into some numbers that may possibly help those who have no transportation. A few people who worked there left messages over the last few days out of concern to make sure I was ok. I'd call them back if I didn't answer the phone when they called.

I'm slowly but surely managing to reverse my schedule once again. After staying up till nearly noon yesterday, I managed to sleep till 9:30 tonight. When I awoke, there were messages from Holice and Linda from the CC. Also, there was a voice I didn't recognize. She said, "Hi, I'm calling for Jodi, but I'm not sure if this is Jodi's house, so I'm not gonna leave my number at this point. I'll call back though." At first, I thought it was connected with Maliheh or Jenny, but didn't think Jenny had knowledge of my number here. It could have been connected with Judy. She was sort of whacked. Now that I think of it, though, the two girls I'm gonna write about said they only left a message. I could hear a man's voice too, and the split second I heard the female voice, it was different. I also got a call last night at 7:30 or so. I believe they were tied in with Maliheh or Judy, and also, I'm sure Jenny could get this number if she were to try hard enough. I hope whoever it is calls back.

Let me take a cigarette break before I write about Sally and Jill. They're students at U-Mass who saw my ad at the Gay Alliance.

12/15/1991 Sun. 4:38 AM

I may soon be interrupted by a call from Andy. I'll write as much as I can till he calls. The last few days have been really screwy. It started off as a major horror but ended up nicely and a little strange. I did get a hold of Tracy, first of all. She told me she's going to call Carol and speak to her about my tapes and then call me back.

To briefly mention Sally and Jill, well, I don't know too much and I don't know if I really want to. All I know is that they're both 20 and they're psychology majors at U-Mass in Amherst. They live on campus and Jill has a car. Sally doesn't. They seem to get along well as roommates and seem to be very nice. According to Jill, she's 5'1", thin and has been with someone for two months.

6:32 AM

Andy called, so I'm gonna finish where I left off. Sally's 5' 9", 130 pounds and single. Of course, they both have short hair and neither one seems butchy, but I know they're not totally feminine either. I know that I have been attracted to some women who weren't as feminine as I am. Never a diesel butch, though.

The point is, once again I know what God will and will not allow me to have. Therefore, I'm disappointed before ever meeting them. That is, if I ever do, of course.

They say they do nothing as far as drugs. Not even cigarettes. In fact, they were almost ready to forget about meeting me cuz I smoke. Otherwise, the conversation went well. The only scary thing is that the feeling I got from Sally, is that she's all or nothing and not a part-time lover. She didn't sound like Brenda yet she did say several things that reminded me of her. Of course, she's far from as quiet and shy as Brenda was.

Speaking of Brenda, I listened in on a conversation between her and Andy and she told Andy she tried to call me. That's a surprise. I haven't called her back but I did call Sarah who says she'll call me. I like the name Jill, but Sally's an ugly name.

If I do meet them, even though I doubt I ever will, I'll sleep with whoever wants to do so as long as they're not major turn-offs.

Sally and Jill asked me several questions. One of Sally's questions was, do I sleep with many people? Even if I could, which is impossible, I don't know if that would be fun to deal with. I'd rather have one occasional sex partner.

7:23 AM

First I'll write about the talk I had with Fran at CC and then all that happened two nights ago. When I was discussing with Fran how I feel there's no way to get what I want, he told me about two people he knew.

One was a songwriter who sold a song to Kenny Rogers and this guy did some research at the library. Fran says that that is the place to go to look up music publishing and various information related to the business. If you end up selling a song, the money you can make varies. It depends on who buys it and what it's used for. Fran suggested that I take a song I've written, make a copy and notarize both copies. Then, send it registered mail to Estefan Enterprises and see if she'll buy it. Registered mail at least guarantees me she's gotten the song even if she rejects it.

Another person he knows is a woman from S. Deerfield who went to a Barbara Mandrell concert. This lady also sings country music and asked to see her tour bus. A female member of Barbara's bus said she really wasn't allowed to, but showed her around a little anyhow. When the woman mentioned how she sang country music, she was asked to sing a few bars. When she did, the lady was impressed and gave her a pass. She was told to come backstage after the concert and she'd get a proper tour of the bus. When she did, Barbara was there and she sang for her. Barbara was impressed also and sent this woman plane tickets someplace to make a demo. So, Fran's point was that it may not happen that way for me, but you never know and I shouldn't give up. With my luck, if I had sung and sung well for that woman, she'd have simply said, "You're good and I hope you make it. Good luck."

And that's it, though I can almost always sing country music quite well.

My hand is tired from writing so I'll continue later. Right now I'm gonna go color in my design book. When I continue in a little while, I'll write about the talk I had with a guy named Bill a few nights ago. At first, the conversation was depressing but then it turned out to be hilarious. I felt a zillion times better and was amazed at how drastically my night changed. Usually, if I feel like shit, I manage to get myself feeling somewhat better by talking to Andy, Kim, Fran or Tammy. Or listening to music, writing or watching TV or talking to CC people, but I went from A to Z last night.

4:18 PM

Soon I'll be going to sleep. I hope to hell that cleaning crew that comes Sunday nights don’t wake me up. There'll be war, and I mean war. I called Peter and said that Kim and I have a busy day tomorrow and need to go to bed early. I mentioned how they came at 12:30 last week and usually I'm up at that time but no way will I have it tonight. Kim was pissed.

It's definitely much easier to sleep here than it was in Springfield. However, there are many things that constantly wake me up here. Other than regular daytime noise, at night it's either the wind or the fucking cat. Sometimes I hear a bang or they run their shower or flush their toilet next door. I moved the answering machine during the times I'm asleep so I can't hear the clicking when it resets itself. It has been a while since that dog across the street has woken me up. I knew it would take 1000 complaints to get results, though.

At noon I spoke quickly to Sally but they were asleep so I called an hour ago and left a message.

I still have lots to write about but I'll finish it tomorrow.


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