Where Pelicans Fly
10/10/1991 Thurs. midnight
Well, I had my day in court last Friday. Not much really happened, and the PD. still has the tapes along with my other stuff. My lawyer (Tracy) did say, however, that she believes the search warrant was illegally obtained. Do you know how much trouble they'd be in? Either Chief B is incredibly stupid or doesn't care about the consequences or really thought he could pull it off. I spoke to Tammy about that as well as the manipulation and leading me to believe their false intentions. Chief B also lied in the paper, telling them a different story than he told me. Chief B also dragged my landlord into this which is trouble for him. Tammy told me to file suit and to sue them and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Tracy said she asked the DA what he wanted to do and he said he didn't know. Tracy also said that on Oct. 31, which is my next court date, I should have my stuff back.
Now for another piece of news, I thought I escaped. At the end of August, I received a call from someone who sounded like Laurie H. It was a detective from Amherst telling me I'd be receiving a subpoena to go to Northampton court since it's not part of Franklin County like Greenfield is. So as time went on, I thought perhaps they decided to drop it. But yesterday I got it in the mail for Oct. 31. I called there today and explained I had to appear in Greenfield court that day and it was moved up to Oct. 24. It's nice to know Northampton doesn't seem to know about Greenfield, although they could find out as well as they could find out about Springfield. The first time I met Tracy, I told her about this. She said to let her know if I ever do get a subpoena and she'll represent me.
I'm gonna go watch some shows I taped but I'll write more later. I'll be up all night, unfortunately, as I've got to go to sign up for fuel assistance tomorrow.
Last Friday night, Kim had a dinner party to go to in Northampton. On her way, she was gonna drop me off at some theater I found out about from the Gay Alliance. Some coffeehouse where they also have some live entertainment. A singer and guitarist, I guess. It's also supposed to be alcohol and drug-free. I would've jumped at the thought of going to something like this a year ago. What did I do? I totally chickened out. I told myself I'd no longer go looking for anything or any trouble from another Maliheh. I was just not in the mood that night for the possibility of being approached by an ugly or a so-so. I also wasn't in the mood to laugh off any gentle, kind rejection or to get brutally led on and made to feel like an ass.
I still say that I could be in a room loaded with gorgeous gay, feminine women and one ugly one and God will make damn sure I get that ugly one. Also, I could move to the best area for music and put non-stop effort into it and get raunchy deals. I don't mean just sex, either. I could wind up with a great deal that requires no sex but with my luck, it'd require lots of money I don't have. If I got a deal with no sex and no need for money, it'd turn out to be a lie. Either they backed out, someone's in a personal crisis, or it was just the thrill of leading someone on, trying to get their hopes up. This is what I mean when I say there's a difference between bad luck and a curse. I know I'll never make it and I'll never have one night with someone I'm attracted to. Oh well. Believe it or not, though, it is becoming easier and easier to accept. Like I said, in the beginning, anyone else in the same situation with the same "plan" would think, gee, I've had some rotten luck and my young years at getting decent, attractive people are off at a bad start. Then it becomes rather obvious it's not meant to be. Especially when you see how 85% of the population just doesn't give a damn about looks and the other 15% goes and gets what they want and are attracted to.
There's not much to write about as far as Jessie and Paula are concerned. Only that I've spoken with them over the phone. I haven't heard from Hank or Steve.
Kim may be coming into some money from Bob. I guess Bob had a business when he lived in New York and his partner broke his contract so he's having a huge check sent to Kim. Kim does not yet know how much. Bob wrote a letter to those people in New York about me and they moved to Chicago and retired. Bob's having the money sent to Kim as Sandra doesn't have much longer to live and neither does Bob really. Also, Bob's so in love with Kim for helping him with his life and his health and looking like his first wife. And I mean exactly like his first wife. He showed me a picture of his first wife Dorothy and if he didn't say it was her, I'd swear it was Kim.
I have spoken with Andy and Fran here and there and have even made some new tapes. I probably shouldn't write this due to the pigs here, but I took tapes and taped the holes and made blanks out of tapes I never listen to.
It's really too bad that Chief B and his people had to pull the shit they did as they're such nice people otherwise. They're also in big trouble. Manipulating someone is one thing. When you're in law enforcement and you manipulate someone as well and put them through unnecessary hassles and harassment, you've got a problem.
As far as the letters go, I mentioned earlier that they've sure been keeping me busy. I sent out a letter to mom and dad. Andy and Fran got another wild and wacky letter. I read part of Fran's letter over the phone to Andy who was cracking up. He said it was great and wishes he could get letters like that. So, I've got two letters like that on their way out. Two letters after the one I just sent are almost on their way out. I'm gonna mail everyone's all at once. "Like that" means things we've done over the phone during pranks. Besides all our lines and sayings, I'd take my journals and read sentences backward as well as skip every other word. Or totally mix together tons of words from different sentences. Also, take the first half of a sentence and finish it with the second half of another sentence. I'd type many numbers and names and my journal chart. I did that mainly for Fran. I'd write tons of Springfield numbers for him. Also, bunches of names to confuse him and make him wonder. This recent bunch of letters I typed. I typed Fran and Andy's for the hell of it. Kacey's, however, I'd never write to as she may recognize my handwriting and that'd spoil all the fun of her thinking, "Who the fuck is this, and what the fuck do they mean?"
I wanted nothing more than to write to Russ, but there's no way as I told him where I was moving to and he's got my parent’s number.
Hank got a letter too, but between him, Mattie and Kacey, he's the only one who'll get a kick out of it and won't get pissed. I'll keep him wondering anyway till he says something. I knew it'd be best to type Mattie's letter, as she'll no doubt go flying down to Carabetta’s office with it. Carabetta could have a copy of my lease from when I lived there, pull it out if they all suspect me and compare the handwriting.
I'm also sending Andy Jenny's address so he can write to her and she can freak out when she sees the Phoenix seal on the envelope. He told me that whenever I wanted to write to someone and have them think I live there or just receive a letter from Phoenix to mail it to him and he'll mail it to them from there.
I'll send him a letter to send to Nervous since he's never gonna call, let alone come up here.
10/11/1991 Fri. 3:11 AM
Nothing's really happened since I last wrote. I could not get to sleep for the life of me till 11:00 this morning. Cuz of that, I never went to fuel assistance. Next week I'll do that as well as food shopping. Why is it that whenever I'm up all day I have nothing to do and when I'm up at night I have shit to do in the daytime?
I left a message for Fran and I have not heard from him. I left this message earlier in the evening at around 9:00. Before I leave him a message, I usually play his messages first by doing the *37 thing. I heard a couple of messages from that girl with the CP. As I mentioned before, I taped her and Fran as well as Andy and Fran. I also taped Fran crying about all kinds of things to the Northampton crisis center. Fran had told me yesterday how there was a fire in his building. True or not, I don't know. I guess someone was heating up a baby bottle and the rubber nipple got overheated and went up in flames. I hope we can talk soon cuz I want to ask him all about his letter. Ha, ha, ha. I'll tell him I got the same exact same letter and that I think Tracy's behind it.
10/14/1991 Mon. 6:42 AM
I almost have my schedule back on days now. I got up at 1 AM and forgot to set the VCR before I went to bed.
I spoke briefly to Andy yesterday who got his letter. He told me he was very depressed that day so my letter made his day. I tried calling earlier but there was no answer. I guess he ended up working or fell asleep.
I also haven't heard from Fran who may have tried to call me last night. I did ask Fran last Sat. night if he got my letter. I mean, I asked if he got a letter. I bullshitted him by saying how I've noticed that every time I get a letter, so does he. He said no but I think he's just saying that as Andy got my letter last Fri. It couldn't have gotten to Arizona quicker than it got to Springfield. I explained to Fran how I was sure "our letters" were from Tracy along with others connected with Tracy.
Mom and dad should have gotten their letter by now.
Yesterday I called Tammy and explained to her how I'm going nuts here. I also explained the case more in detail as well as expressed my fears. Meanwhile, she told me to keep my chin up and not to let them win. She said she'll call my lawyer to question how long all this is gonna take. Also, about filing suit. Last Friday I tried calling the lawyer about the lawsuit, the search warrant, and also to tell her about Northampton court on Oct. 24th. I couldn't get a hold of her as she was in and out.
Last Saturday I got really scared for a while. I was sitting in the stairwell when all of a sudden this really bad vibe came over me. I went up and looked out my living room window and saw a cruiser in the parking lot. I ran to lock all my doors thinking, "Oh no. They're gonna harass me about the lawsuit." But then I wondered how they could know about it unless my lawyer said something.
Then the phone rang, and it was Carol telling me that the butchy detective from Amherst who sounds like Laurie H was at the station. Carol said she couldn't get in the building and that she and the detective only wanted just to talk to me, but I refused. I told Carol that no way was anyone gonna manipulate me again and she was to go through my attorney. I told her my attorney instructed me not to speak to the police. Then I came right out with it and said, "Actually, I'm glad you called as I do know now that the search warrant was illegally obtained and that charges are going to be filed." I also told her I was filing suit on slander, defamation of character, manipulation, invasion of privacy and involving others in the case who do not belong. She said she'd pass the message along and that the search warrant was legally obtained, through the courts and signed by a judge. I told her that that was not what I was told. Maybe she assumes it was legally obtained and doesn't know the truth. Chief B can do one thing and tell Carol or anyone else a different story.
After all that, I called downstairs and asked Jennifer if the police were there. She said yes, and then I asked for Peter. He wasn't there so I asked her to get a pen and write down what I was about to say. I told her all about the suit and that if the cops come in, to pay no attention to them and have them leave. I told her they need to go through my attorney and that it's illegal for them to disrupt the business or harass them to get through to me.
So, I told my sister how I was so nervous that they'd get spiteful that I refused to talk to them and was contemplating sleeping in my closet. She said not to let my thoughts drive me nuts, hang in there and draw the girls some pictures. She said I had a lot of talent there and draw some for the girls for their rooms. I haven't done that yet, but I did draw one of Gloria which I am not too impressed with.
I almost long to be holed up in some safehouse till I can be rescued and brought to CT. Only I don’t know if I’m safe here.
10/15/1991 Tues. 5:40 AM
I woke up at 3 AM which is getting better. Today, I have a number of things to do. I will call my lawyer as well as fuel assistance. I hope to go to fuel assistance Thursday as well as food stamps.
I will have a chat with Peter, get my food stamps and some groceries and clean next door.
I also need to bring out some of my garbage and clean Shadow's box which he trashed all over the fucking place. I was so fucking pissed off at that cat. I can't believe how much that cat enjoys being yelled at, and nothing will stop him from getting me to go after him. He does shit over and over that he knows he's not supposed to do and he's gonna get yelled at for it. Two nights in a row he ripped the bottom of two posters in the stairwell. I scream at him each time and finally put him on his leash at the bottom of the stairwell where his box is. Sure enough, he's just got to do something, and he trashed the fucking box. Now there's shit all over I've got to clean up. He gets off on either destroying or making a mess. As I clean up his mess, I can see the smirk on his face. This is not a kid, it's a cat and I'm tired of babyproofing this place, worrying about my shit, and cleaning up after him. He's much more loving than Sasha was but way too destructive.
You know how I get very emotional when it comes to my shit. It's either stolen or destroyed. When the pigs took my shit, that was the final straw. I'm an adult, not a kid, and I will get every single fucking item back they took and never ever again will I let anyone ever fuck with my stuff. As far as I'm concerned, there's one thing I know for sure. That is taping conversations whether or not the person knew they were being taped is not a crime. I have a right to do (other than pranks or other crimes) anything I so fucking desire in the privacy of my own place. I've seen this used in court and it never was illegal. I know people have been taped without knowing so and it's been used in court cases. The judge never said, "I'm tossing this out as it's against the law to tape someone." What about taping shit off the radio or TV? What about the fact that I walked into Radio Shack and bought it? Or Nervous did, but the point is, if it's so illegal, then why do they sell it in stores?
10/16/1991 Wed. 7:41 AM
I got up at 4:30. Last night I fell asleep around 6:00, and at 10:00 I woke up due to a blackout. There was massive rain all night. The wall clock in the bedroom died, so I had to check the time on the one in the living room. I called the operator for the exact time and proceeded from there to reset the microwave, my clock radio, the clock on the stove and the VCR. I also changed the batteries in the bedroom and bathroom clocks.
Shadow behaved last night for the first time in 4 days. I swept up downstairs and sprayed Windex on the floor at the bottom and wiped up his shit.
I went to the bank and got my food stamps. They sent a letter saying it would be raised from $105 to $111. Nevertheless, the ticket I got was for $112 and I guess it's got something to do with premiums.
I bought kitty litter and cat food and some munchies from Cumberland. I hope to go to Food Mart Thursday. Thursday, I won't be going to fuel assistance as they made me an appointment for Nov. 4th.
I had a talk with Peter downstairs which went very well. He said he understands how I feel and if the cops come around, he'll tell them to speak to my lawyer. Meanwhile, he says they're happy with me and this is my home for as long as I want it to be.
I still haven't heard from "Tracy." Why is she flaking out on me? I'll call again later.
I got a very nice letter from mom along with 18 pictures to add to my collection as she said. Dad's 60th b-day party with Charlotte and Jim and other friends were in some of the pictures. One of Ruth and Marty on their 33rd anniversary renewing their wedding vows. Several of my nieces and one of me.
Here's a list of the things I'm doing and am going to do:
1. I'm currently drawing a picture of Lisa, Becky, and Sarah on their swing set with Tammy and Bill standing behind them. I drew the frame of the swing set and also drew Lisa and Sarah. However, I had to erase Sarah as she was too high. Tammy's standing behind Sarah and in order to draw her in, she'd be as tall as the swing set. Bill, who's standing next to Tammy, would end up taller than the swing set, so I'll need to try and re-proportion them. I told Tammy to tell Bill that since I do not have a gray pencil, I'll give him brown hair.
2. I'm making 5 placemats, as I call them, for Chanukah.
3. I have to finish making Andy's bracelets and send those out.
4. I've got to finish all my letters.
5. Hem my pants and figure out how to take in my leather pants.
6. Maybe make Tammy a "check."
I am on the phone right now with Fran. I have the mute on and am listening and taping him talking to a girl he works with. He is so desperate and he's so funny to listen to when he talks to girls.
I hope to hell I get a letter from Andy. He's way overdue on his letter writing.
I still haven't gotten a call from Nervous so I'll just send him crazy letters every so often.
In a couple of hours or so, I'm gonna crash. I'm getting tired.
As I continue to hear Fran's conversation, it's getting funnier and funnier. First, he hits on that girl Denise whom he met at some group meeting. Has a one-nighter with her and becomes his usual way too-pushy self. Scares her off and has her end up pressing charges against him for harassing her. Secondly, he meets a neighbor of his whom he gets a bunch of roses for. He claims how much he'd like something to come out of it. Now, here he is at the present moment hitting on that other girl he works with. It's hilarious too, as this girl's spoken for from what I understand, but Fran's doing his best to find out how she feels about this guy. He's trying really hard to make her nervous about the guy she's with and make her wonder if he's any good.
Now, he's asking if he's the only guy she sleeps with and if she ever sleeps with anyone else. What do they do for sexual activity? Do they have an agreement where they see other people? Nervous or anyone else I've known could never be this pushy. Verbally, I mean. This girl is a major wimp, geek, and a sucker. This is the only type of person to stay on and listen all this time to this.
Well, I'm gonna go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries, then lay down and listen to this crap. Fran's asked the same questions 50 times. Here he goes again with the, "Do you hope for any activities in bed other than us just being friends?"
He cracks me up.
10/24/1991 Thurs. 6:30 PM
Last night was the shittiest night of my life in so long. The morning of Oct. 22nd was a nightmare as well. Last Monday night as I was falling asleep, I was realizing how I'd only had two killer asthma attacks since I moved. I was thrilled at not only that but also about not getting one cold or flu after another. However, I had been more and more congested in the last few weeks. Sure enough, I woke up at 7:00 the next morning with a massive attack in which I knew instantly I'd never be able to fight on my own.
I'm taping a movie now and boy, did I ever get caught off guard for a minute. Some girl called that I wish to hell would call back. I don't remember if the girl said my name. I don't think so, but she said, "Remember me? You licked my pussy?" I told her to hang on so I could grab a cigarette and that's when she hung up. I shouldn't have told her to hang on cuz it scared her off. She was probably paranoid about being taped, but I'm dying for her to call back. I'm almost positive it's a friend of Maliheh's. My gut feeling says so and since I can't make calls in a town like this, I'd like to at least be able to get them. A week after I met Maliheh is when the shit hit the fan and she freaked out on me. It was then that I not only began to call her but for some reason she had a friend leave her outgoing message on her answering machine. I believe that was the voice I heard earlier. I really could use a good laugh now, so I'm begging God to please have her call me back. Please.
10/29/1991 Tues. 6:33 PM
I have a whole list of things to write about despite my boring no-life life. So if I remember, I'll cover Maliheh and court and tonight's event which never happened due to the curse on me. I guess that's basically it, but there's a lot to discuss on each of these things.
First, I'll just say that my asthma's doing better. Mark was a great help and a good support to me. The EMTs even told Mark he did the right thing as I needed oxygen and to go to the hospital. It was so scary and I was so bummed out about it that after they gave me the updraft and they left the room, I cried. Mark took care of letting the EMTs in and also locking the door after they took me away and calming Shadow down. He picked me up after and bought me coffee and himself some beer.
I just had a call from Andy and we talked for an hour. So anyway, I looked back in the previous journals and it looks like I never wrote about that dance I never got to. I'll have to write all about that as well as tonight's shit. I forget when it was but I know it was almost two weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a dance at the U-Mass campus center. I was to go alone, though, as Kim had a dinner party to attend in Northampton. She was gonna drop me off and pick me up later. I would've been nervous as all hell with her or a whole army of people I knew with me, but that made me even more nervous. However, I fully intended to go and was looking very forward to it seeing that it's not a bar and it was a non-drug and alcohol deal. The night before we were supposed to go, I fell asleep early at around 10:30. I awoke with a horrible nightmare about Valleyhead at 3:00 in the morning. I tried to force myself back to sleep several times during the morning, afternoon and early evening but had no luck. Also, this particular nightmare only happens 1-3 times a year. After I left Valleyhead, I'd get it all the time for a year and a half, but of all times to get this nightmare! Finally, it hit me once again how something up there was trying to tell me something and is determined to stop me, no matter what. I can go food shopping, to the movies, the bank, anything that does not matter or that I don't like. Never can I go out and have fun. I knew not to expect a one-nighter with an attractive woman. I knew to keep to myself, mind my own business and not approach anyone. All I was gonna do is get out of this God damn place as I feel like a caged animal. Is this a coincidence or a curse? It's getting rather obvious now. Especially with what happened earlier tonight to screw up tonight's plans. I hate knowing my worst fears are real. There are so many things a person can refuse to believe cuz they're just so bizarre and incredible. We don't want to believe them and we can't believe them so we say it's bad luck and coincidences that just happened for the hell of it till we're proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it's true. Curses are all too real and true no matter how scary and unreal the thought of it is.
Last week I saw an ad in the paper for a modeling seminar and search and I really wanted to go for the fun of it even if nothing came out of it. Kim was all excited about it, too. I called the number in the ad and right away I could tell it was safe and secure. The guy I spoke to told me it was at the Sheridan Tara in Springfield like the ad said. He said they had a nice brochure there and it was free unless you wanted pictures taken. He said you could talk to someone one-to-one on how to break into the business and what your potential is and it just seemed like it'd be a lot of fun. And it's so closely related to music and I was told that'd help as well as the fact that there's a large demand for petite models. We were supposed to be there at 7:45 tonight. I got up around 2:00, and as I was getting out of the shower and about to put on my makeup, I got this "feeling." I told myself not to bother getting all decked out. All of a sudden, I couldn't picture myself going and couldn't understand why. This feeling of it not being meant to be grew stronger and stronger. I couldn't figure out why as I was awake and feeling well and was wondering why I had to take another punishment. It wasn't a gay dance or bar, but it was "modeling." Not meant to be. That's all I could feel and then suddenly I thought, oh no! He's gonna go through Kim to stop me since whatever's up there didn't do anything to me.
Then the phone rang. Kim was in a car accident. She wasn't hurt, but as she was pulling out of the parking lot at work, she got rear-ended. Now you call that bad luck on me? Just a coincidence? No way. I feel so fucking guilty and that's all I kept telling her over and over. If I wasn't going tonight, this would never have happened to her. Or if we were going food shopping or to the movies or some everyday thing. Something I hate such as the doctor's appts. or something that I don't hate but am not overly excited about. God, what did I do to deserve this? Once again, I believe he didn't stop me cuz of something bad happening or cuz of nothing happening. I believe he prevented a good thing from happening. The same goes for the dance. At first, I thought nothing would have happened or I'd have some ugly butch or another so-so trying to pick me up. Uh-uh. An attractive woman was there that I would've gotten. It would've been mutual and I would've had my first one-nighter with someone attractive who wouldn't have led me on and backed out. He stopped it. He stopped it all.
10/30/1991 Wed. 2:16 AM
I'm getting on an overnight schedule again, but that's the least of my worries and a joke compared to what's been going on. Thank fucking God I didn't have to go to court this Thursday as originally planned. For the Greenfield case, I won't need to go until Nov. 15th. For Northampton, I'll need to be in court on Dec. 19th. In the meantime, Tammy and my lawyer spoke. They're determined to try to get this dropped and Tammy explained how she wants me to move there and why. Tammy also told "Tracy" how pissed off she was about what happened at the Northampton Crisis Center and about Maliheh calling me.
Before I get into Maliheh and Northampton, the call from Tracy was about the dates among other things. I was told by Tracy that she'd spoken with the DA and is gonna try to get the police report, get my stuff back, and also check into the legality of the search warrant. I'm not a lawyer so I can't possibly write all that was discussed but it was all quite positive.
Tammy feels the same way as I do. Yes, I made a prank call. Yes, Maliheh deserved it and called me, too. No, the taping will not hold up in court. I have the right to do as I please in the privacy of my own home. Also, Tammy says, "She made the calls to the company in the middle of the night. No one was there. She left edits on their machine so it's petty bullshit and nonsense that they're flipping out over." Naturally, both Tracy and I agree.
There's my present situation to consider, too. I've also decided to counter-file on Maliheh as well as Jenny. Even if Maliheh did not call me, the point is why is it that I always have to pay when both Maliheh and Jenny have fucked me over, too? From now on when people take me to court that have screwed me over, be it legally or not, they're going through the mud and the hassle, stress and wasted time, too. I can see if I've called someone I've never met in my life who are total strangers like this company. However, the company got no threats and only got wacky shit on their machine.
Jenny's gotten her warning, too. I called and her machine came on and I said, "I'll see YOU in court. In Greenfield." That little fuck has done shit to me just as well. Andy's sending her a letter anyway. You know, the usual stuff. Lyrics and things that make absolutely no sense. Jenny's letter from Andy and her subpoena will be sent to her parent’s house in W. Springfield as that's the only address known to me. Jenny's gonna flip when the little fuck sees it's from Phoenix. If she suspects me, I don't give a shit and I hope she does. Maybe twice a year, I'll send her a note.
Maliheh would've gotten letters eons ago, but I never could get her address. I'll let the courts do that. For the subpoena anyway.
I'm gonna go listen to some tunes and then I'll write about Northampton crisis center and boy, do I realize more and more how lucky I was about that. My sister wasn't too thrilled when I told her about that. With them, I mean.
I was supposed to go to court the day after that on the 24th. I went on the 25th, though. The night of the 24th was when I got 3 calls from an associate of Maliheh's. Then on the 25th, when I was in court, I saw Detective M. Yup. Major butch. Not big and fat like Tracy K, but the sporty type. Thin athletic type butch you'd see playing tennis or soccer. Anyway, I'll write more about it later.
Now, about the night of Oct. 23rd. Well, I flipped. I totally lost it. Between court, being so isolated here and all the other issues that have been pissing me off for ages, I just lost it. I never cut myself but I was thinking about it. I was thinking about the last time I cut myself and one minute I'd beat myself up in my mind about it, the next I'd try to tell myself it happened and what was done was done and there was no way to undo what was done. Try to move on. I guess it's just not always easy to block out unwanted thoughts. It sounds so easy saying, "Don't think about it." Well, it's not. At times I feel as if there's no escape from the present as well as the past. All I could remember was Tammy telling me how she indirectly blames me for my calls and how she blames mom and dad 100%. Tammy told mom all about what's going on and warned her immediately how she didn't want to hear, "I told you. She has a problem." Or anything about it other than her moving me down there. To CT, of course. Tammy said ma was "amazingly calm" and just took it all in and hopefully I'll be moving on Jan. 1st. Besides having only two more months of isolation, no family or buses, there's the financial part of it, too. This way, hopefully, I'll only have two more months of struggling and I'll only have to pay my electric and heat bill even though fuel assistance will be helping me. The phone will be free.