Where Pelicans Fly
July - August 1991
7/1/1991 Mon. 1:30 AM
Now to tell the story about the band which is why Mark gave me The Advocate in the first place. Mark had said how he likes to read the personals just for kicks, so as I mentioned before, that's how I met Tanya. I tried calling at a decent hour for 3 days, so when that failed, I called at 2 AM. I was goofing off totally figuring things probably wouldn't work out anyway, but of course, nothing too scary or raunchy. I played the guy some edits and gave him a few crosses. I guess there are 3 roommates. A girl and two guys by the name of John. The John that was forming an alternative band was on the line the bulk of the time.
So finally, I came to realize how nice he was and how well he handled me so I got serious. I sang a bit over the phone, then he took my number telling me I sounded quite good, but may not be what he's looking for.
Last Friday he came over and he really is a nice guy and we share a lot of the same philosophies and beliefs. He's not gay, but he has gay friends.
I liked his lyrics. They were very free and open. He writes a lot like Stevie Nicks and Andy would and he played me a demo of his last band which was in New York City. He just moved here, but I noticed right away, that his last singer sounded a lot like Stevie Nicks. He told me that he felt I was a really good singer and had great pitch and picked up quickly, but will continue the ad for a month. I guess he originally planned to do this beforehand no matter what. Comparing what people say now about my singing to a few years ago, there's a major difference. Years ago it wasn't good enough or developed enough. Now, some people say it's too dynamic and too vibrant. John is really looking for someone with more of a voice like Stevie Nicks. Stevie has had no real training and never really fully developed her voice. Gloria would be hired for this right on the spot. So many people prefer so many different styles that it can be hard to be one extreme or another. It's sort of like being too good for certain bands such as in this case, so it's both a compliment and a bummer. Maybe he won't call, maybe he will. Who knows? It's cruel to say this, but I hope whoever else calls for an audition sucks. That way, hopefully, I'd be hired.
I've been doing journals now since Oct. 27, 1987. I know this is something I'll always do and want to do. Even though not quite each and every page of these journals have been filled, 98% of them have short little love stories that I never had the patience to finish, but that's ok. It keeps my mind and attention focused on things I really want to write about. However, I'll always continue to combine certain things with real and important issues. Issues that in my mind, mean a lot. The other pages were used for drawings or lyrics or names of people or charts of some personal or fun kind. Drawings from now on will go on a sketchpad where they belong. Ending this journal, I'll say that since I've slacked off on writing about my past in more detail, it'll surely be done in the next one.
Also, I will write about Maliheh, the gorgeous girl I met the night I met Tanya in person at Pearl St.
Before I write all about Maliheh, the next thing about my past I'll write about will be Andy, Jessie and Tammy W. Now, believe me when I say there's not too much to write about Tammy W. I know I was reunited with Andy and Jessie before I met Tammy over the phone as well as Linda J. I miss Linda a lot and I'm sorry she had to just toss our friendship out the door. I know why she chose to throw it away of course. Cuz she wanted me as a lover. I miss her, though. Even though she was quite mysterious, I miss our talks and the laughs we shared.
Tammy W was a 19-year-old girl I called one night who told me she had a little girl whose father left her. I told her she ought to find a woman. I also thought she'd hang up on me, but instead, she told me she thinks about that. She was too messed up to even think of getting involved. Getting involved seriously. I was too naïve still at the time to know that you can't get involved seriously and you're lucky if you can a few weeks or a few months with someone. Breaking up was just as common as meeting someone. No doubt more common. By now, she probably has been with a woman. As well as more men. Again, you know philosophy and that is, if you can fantasize, you can do. Except for the times I fantasize about strangling my mother when she gets on my nerves, but that's just me, of course. That's how I operate. It's probably like being gay. You have a choice whether or not to act on it. Tammy was young, confused, abused and so viciously controlled by her mother. Also, she had so much legal shit going on with the father of her daughter. She was pretty, though, and looked an awful lot like Tiffany. I haven't seen her for almost 3 years now. She was wild, though, and hung out with such creeps.
I miss Linda and Tracy more and you know how pitifully ugly they were. Now that I covered Linda and Tammy, I'm too tired to go on. I've done quite a bit of writing tonight but next time around, I'll discuss Andy and Jessie and Maliheh, too. Don't get me wrong, as I do not feel Maliheh will be any big deal, but the moment was fun. Maybe I am wrong for once but why and how can I be? I'm 25 years old, not 18. You know how I feel on that matter. The chase is much more fun than the capture. It's really weird but with me, it's one way or another. Either I'm bummed out cuz I'm not attracted to someone, or I'm scared when I am. Yes, it is exciting to finally have it be mutual. But can this actually be happening to me once and for all? It's too good to be true and I'm tempted and curious but scared at the same time.
7/2/1991 Tues. midnight
I mentioned how I met Tanya through the personals, then met her at Pearl St. As nice as she was, I wasn't turned on.
After speaking to the woman with the nice long hair, I went back over to where Kim and Tanya were sitting and there she was. I usually like them to be taller than me but she was my height. At the time, it didn't matter as I was so attracted to her. She was the perfect example of the masculine yet quite feminine type I go for. She was shaped like Brenda, less curvy than me. She no doubt weighs less than me but doesn't look like a toothpick. She wore jeans and a simple gray T-shirt, appearing very casual, yet so pretty. She had long straight brown hair that fell to the middle of her back. Brown eyes, tanned skin, and a beautiful smile with teeth that made mine look sick.
It turned out that she and Kim were in sign language classes together at U-Mass. She lives in Amherst and it's a local call from here in S. Dfld. Kim said she was honest, outspoken and friendly and we exchanged phone numbers. I was, like I said, instantly curious, excited and tempted, but wary.
This was last Wed. night and she told me she'd get together with me the following Mon. or Tues. as she was to be very busy. She plays the guitar and has a 4-track and said she'd bring it over. Meanwhile, we both agreed on calling each other before we got together.
But now that's all done and over with. Yes, I threw it all away and Kim said, "Are you going to do this every time you meet someone?" That feeling of, "Oh my God, is this really happening to me for the first time after 25 years? Someone I'm attracted to and possibly interested in?" Kim told me that there's a first time for everything and I wasn't looking 25 years ago. She's right but what I'm about to say is, in my opinion, is more important than considering that. First of all, I'm not even sure that anything ever would've happened between Maliheh and I. Also, true that she could've been very busy, but I feel if she was that interested in me, she would've met me by now. I did call her and she did call me, but tonight I felt it was time to be honest.
I called and told her on her answering machine that I've done some thinking and that sometimes one must do not what's easiest and what they want, but what is best. I told her I didn't feel we should see each other and that I was considering her as well as myself. I told her it may sound cruel and as if I was judging her by experiences I've had with other people, but that I didn't want to be hurt. I don't want to get into anything I may regret. I said that I was not implying she was out to harm me as I don't even know her. Lastly, I told her how I've been alone 99% of my life and it would no doubt be less awkward for her. It'd be too awkward for me, not that I don't like someone who's older and more experienced. I do, but how many people are going to be patient enough with me and willing to understand me? I don't want to be worrying about what someone else is thinking or wondering if they understand me. I don't want to go through the hassles of them getting to know me or of me getting to know them. I'm not motivated to put the effort into it anymore. Especially when sooner or later, one of us is going to dump the other. Like I always said, all I need is me, myself and I. Only I can know and understand myself and I do. I don't want to have to communicate with anyone other than friends. What others don't know or understand won't hurt them. The only way for me to be happy, carefree and independent is to remain alone. That way there's no fear, anxiety or guilt. I realized also, that even though other people did shit to me that I didn't ask for, in a sense I did ask for it. I did bring it on myself and deserve it cuz I was stupid enough to get involved. Never again will someone get the chance to hurt me and I will never be a sucker for it either.
So, when I hung up I cried and was hurt and pissed off at myself. I said, "Oh no. Now, why did I do that? That was mean, cruel and unfair. You pushed her away and never gave her a chance and you've blown it for sure now that she knows you're scared and not confident." But then I kicked myself in the ass and told myself I did the right thing and I'd wished I'd done it when I did if I had gotten involved. How can you cry over someone you only met once and only spoke to for an hour? This is the only way I can protect myself and at least I can be honest about it. I'm good enough for myself. I'm good enough as someone's friend, but not good enough as someone's lover.
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her and the rest of this whole stuck-up world! It's amazing how much nerve and lack of respect people have. How harshly one can judge another and condemn them. How one can make you feel so ashamed and blow so much out of proportion? How one can exaggerate and make you feel like some crazed mass murderer? Slap you in the face for your good intentions. Condemn you for asking a few basic questions when you meet them and make it sound like you asked for their whole life story. Make a cruel, harsh and wrong assumption about you after you've only spoken to them a few short times and you know you carried yourself well. Tell you you're persistent after only speaking with them 3 times for 5 minutes in one week. Tell you they may consider a relationship and drop other hints suggesting that, then totally contradicting that, while lashing out at you. It's like grabbing someone and hugging and kissing them, then two seconds later they pummel 20 bullets into you from a gun.
Maliheh calls up saying she didn't appreciate the Dear John message when there never was a relationship and never would've been. I tried to explain that was to prevent one and she did seem interested and even Kim thought so, too. She said I was the one with the 20 questions, and I tried to tell her that I was only curious to get to know her. They were basic simple questions that weren't overly personal. She said I wouldn't listen to her and that I'm alone for a reason and that’s because of me. She wouldn't even listen to me. And I'm alone cuz of people like HER. How dare she say that shit to me, and why is she alone? She told me she got her aids test and it's negative and reminded me her next partner was going to do the same, not that I’m sure what this has to do with anything, especially if she were never interested in me.
This is how I know God is punishing me, and it's too late at this point as someone gorgeous and right for me could beg down on their knees. No one will ever have me! No one! From now on I'm going to condemn people for their feelings or for asking me any questions. I'm going to make them feel ashamed and foolish. I could never ever be in a normal relationship with anyone, no matter how right and attractive they were. This was the final straw and my mind's been played with enough. If God's goal was to keep me alone by not only sending me the wrong ones but also by driving so much fear and paranoia of people into me, he did it. See, it is the same pattern and now, not even Kim can say I'm wrong about what's meant to be and what's not. Congratulations God, or whatever the hell's out there. You've finally been 100% successful. Of course, I'd never have to beg for you to never allow me a singing career. I've only come to know the plan all too well.
7/6/1991 Sat. 9:50 PM
Well, for the last handful of days, there have been a lot of mixed emotions. There's that little ounce of faith and hope. The voice that says, as far as the singing goes, it's not over with. The voice that says, "It must be meant to be. Why else would I have the voice and be a night person and love to travel? Why else can I do so many other music-related things and not want to do anything else? Also, I cannot ever have a relationship, part-time or full-time or one night. I'll no doubt never have a kid. I'll always be alone and I know God sends me second best to keep me alone, and you need to be alone to be a singer." It has to be meant to be.
Then there's that other voice saying, "Don't be a fool anymore. Give up before you lose and you know you'll always lose. Be smart. Be brave. Be realistic. Walk away. Think of how you have no money to buy your way into the business. Think how you'd never sleep your way through even if you were straight. You're not a slut. Think of how you fear people and are tired of their lies and false promises. Remember how you're cursed as far as singing and a woman's concerned. Don't exhaust yourself by fighting a hopeless battle. Don't embarrass yourself or be made to feel like a fool. Don't be a sucker and let yourself take yet another fall. Never think positive and that you can do anything. Know that since you've been scared off as far as approaching people that if you're approached, don't have a heart. Of course, anyone that approaches you will be someone you're not attracted to, but be cruel, tell them up front you're not gonna take false assumptions about your intentions and your character. Tell them you'll not be accused of asking too many questions. Make them feel foolish and ashamed of the way they feel. Tell them they deserve to be alone and they're too persistent."
Now, I realize I have 3 choices left. I could be poor and struggling on disability for the rest of my life. I could settle for second best by getting a good-paying job by getting financial aid and going to school. Or I could die.
I will grant myself just a little more time, but if I die, it'll no longer be something I consider to be the easy way out. It'll be the ONLY way out. I'm too trapped at this point so if things are ever to turn in my favor, which I doubt other than with the apartment and Kim and Mark, they better hurry up. I need and want some action fast and I feel I'm overdue and deserve it. I do not feel one tiny bit like I'm being selfish.
Fuck the kid and the woman, I say, just get me singing! I'll work my ass off, just help me in the first step. Whatever's up there, guide me into a band that will hire me even though I've never been in a band. They all say, "You sing well and you pick up well and are versatile but you've had no experience." How am I going to get that experience if no one's willing to give me a chance? Maybe I should lie and say that I have been in a band before.
Well, aside from all that frustration and bullshit, I had a great talk with Kim who really keeps me going. She's amazing. Also, I got a great letter from Andy.
7/11/1991 Thurs. 12:30 AM
Yesterday I called Tammy as I realized that this not being able to pay for what I need has got to stop. Wishing it all away wasn't gonna make it go away. As far as making ends meet, I mean. I discussed with her how the owner flattered me with such approval on my first day of work. He complimented me on how I learn quickly while other employees were saying he isn't punctual and a great businessman. After all this, he tells me to call him and he never returns my call. That job would've been a real bore and a drag anyway in no time at all. Especially when once again, it's nothing I live for wanting to do.
I told her how the real thing that was upsetting me was the band. At least they're saying that I'm good but not their style rather than that I need work. The thing, once again that upsets me is when they cry about my not having experience which I'll never get till someone gives me a chance. All these people had to have their first time being hired into a band. Of course, I was hired till they moved out of state.
So, Tammy gave me a suggestion as well as others in the past that I may consider. Rather than look for ads where bands are looking for singers, I should put my own ad in saying I’m a singer looking for a band. She also said for me to put that I've had no experience so I'm honest right up front. I was considering lying next time around and saying that I have been in a band.
Then when I least expected it, she asked me how much extra a month I felt I needed. I told her and she's sending a check for $50 monthly to supplement me. That's fantastic! I'd normally be upset at needing help like that and didn't want to ask ma for more money as she just added an extra $10. I hate having to take and not being able to give but at this point of desperation, I'm more grateful and relieved than upset. Also, I have taken care of SS and the food stamps successfully over the phone so now, the only place I need to go to is Food Mart when my food stamps come tomorrow or the next day. Tammy's check will be here tomorrow and God does that ever help so now from the end of each month till the 12th of the next month, I don't have to practically starve. I sure feel like shit when I have to do that. I'd use my food stamps up, then have very little cash left for my non-edible stuff, then go broke. Then, get my checks on the 1st and 3rd, have no food and need to use too much cash for food till my food stamps arrive. As far as changing banks is concerned, it was much easier than I thought. My new bank's right across the street. SIS in Northampton charges $8 a month, my ATM card got too scratched up, and I was down to only 3 checks left. Perfect timing. My new bank is small, they're friendly and I got nicer-looking checks for cheaper and they do the food stamps there. I called SIS and they said to open with the new bank first and fill out the direct deposit form which I did and wait till the checks go to the new bank before closing SIS. I had $50 in SIS, so I wrote a check to the new bank (United Bank) for $40. I took $20 and left $20 in the account to cover the cost of the new checks. So, as soon as the checks get put in the new account, they'll write a letter to SIS which I'll sign to close out my account. Instead of $8 a month, I pay $1.50 for 6 checks. If I go over 6 checks which isn't that often, it's 75 cents for each additional one. This is a better deal.
7/12/1991 Fri. 9:30 AM
Kim and I are on our way to Hampden Beach in New Hampshire. It is awfully hard to write so I won't write too long. I will be embarrassed on the beach as I feel so out of proportion and bloated.
7/23/1991 Tues. 9:15 AM
Boy, I guess I haven't written in a while. I left off about going to Hampden Bitch and man did I ever get so much color. I was cooked, but it looked so good. More of a tannish red rather than bright red and I didn't peel. I lost some of it since then but still have a lot of color.
I got my new checks from United Bank and they're so cute. Also, I thought I'd have to pay $1.50 a month, but cuz I have Direct Deposit, I need not pay anything.
I had a couple of nice talks with Andy who saw Gloria last July 15th on Linda's b-day. He said she sang well and was very energetic and her sound system was excellent. He did say that she looked tired, but she tours for so long. I hope I get her tour books today in the mail as he tells me he sent them out last Tues.
Last Saturday, Jai, and Jenny came up and we had a nice visit.
Right now they're putting in a new countertop for me. The guy will be here for two hours and the sanding machine is so loud and obnoxious.
Yesterday, I rearranged both the pictures that I have in my stairwell and in my photo album along with family pictures. Also, I did many other odds and ends and was up just about 24 hours before I could finally fall asleep.
Before I fell asleep, I was crossing Maliheh with so many people and she was freaking out and going hysterical. Maliheh is convinced, though, that the wires are crossed and not that someone's fooling around. She's such a hysterical bitch and a crab and at this point, I'm so glad we never even had a one-night stand. She's too spastic and I can't ever picture her calm and loosened up with a sense of a humor for one second. She's either serious or tense and irritable all the time. Torturing her is so fun and she deserves it so much not cuz of leading me on but just cuz of how she is. I cannot see even those that "behave" feeling guilty.
I'm gonna take a trip to the store now for my usual brand of cigarettes as the kind I got yesterday causes attacks. I'm wicked tired too, as I only slept 6 hours after being up 24 hours. I also need to get some soda and some munchies as usual. I'll write more later and once again, I can't wait till I get those tour books!
8/7/1991 Wed. 12:32 AM
I got the tour books which were beautiful and I just finished writing Andy a letter.
Tammy, Bill and the girls came up last Saturday and we had a great visit. The girls looked really nice as did Tammy herself. I figured they'd bring up a little something as they usually do, but instead, I was quite shocked. I've never had so much food in a long time! What perfect timing too! The $50 she sent me would've been gone by now and I'd be waking up starving and if my kitchen could talk it'd say, "Have some maple syrup or catsup or mayonnaise." I guess she's gonna be shipping up food, too.
They loved the apartment and agreed to do some holidays here as Tammy agreed my kitchen was better for it.
I gave the girls some pictures of Paula Abdul and some perfume, barrettes, lipstick, and nail polish. Also, I gave Lisa a skirt that shrunk and an old 1-piece bathing suit and a pair of shorts. They all looked good and Tammy seemed much more relaxed.
8/18/1991 Sun. 4:07 PM
I really haven't been writing much lately but I sure have been doing quite a bit of taping. Not only am I now working on edit tape number 3, but I'm also going to be making a tape for Kim and Mark for their anniversary. Also, I have been editing down, which means getting rid of the boring stuff. Certain conversations and crossings are old and boring and not funny. When I omit stuff like that along with ringing several times till the person picks up, I save a lot of tape. All that ringing alone can really add up. I've gotten new blank tapes too, so I've put numbers on them, labeled them and given them their identification names. Also, I've torn off old labels from Linda Ronstadt tapes as well as others and have replaced them.
Lastly, I have a few other projects to work on. One is Gloria's new medley. Two is going through the edit tapes and taking out all the one or two-word sentences, then editing just that. Three is to edit all the sentences with more than two words. Four is editing all the laughing which, of course, is mostly mine. That ought to keep me busy for a while.
Now, I do have much more to write about, however, I need to start editing more, so I'll write later.
8/26/1991 Mon. 4:09 AM
The last 3 days I've been out, believe it or not. Yesterday I went to an elderly couple's house for a cookout. These people are friends of Kim's. Kim and Mark, though, were gone to Vermont so Bob and his wife Sandra picked me up, then brought me home after. Yesterday was Kim and Mark's anniversary.
The day before, Kim, Bob, Sandra and I went to a fair in Cummington where I got some cute things.
Lastly, Friday evening the 4 of us went out bowling. It wasn't too bad either as we were the only ones there and I didn't bowl as bad as I thought I would.
However, last Thursday was a living nightmare. The Chief of police, a female detective, and two uniformed cops, all of whom I've met before and know Mark, came here with a search warrant. I could not believe it! They never did that in Springfield, but in Springfield, and most other cities, prank phone calls are a joke. Murders are their major thing. Here in a small town, prank calls are a big deal. Traffic problems and a little bit of vandalism are all they really have here. In this town, all those things are as serious as murder.
They were here almost two hours and they ended up taking every single fucking tape, except for tapes of singers. The weird thing about it though is how nice they were to me, complimenting me on how neat I am and about my drawings, the Spanish, the sign language, the music, and how I'm good-looking. It sort of reminded me of Spfld. They were really trying to understand me, telling me how they had an EMT standing by as they know I had asthma and they cared about me and my safety.
They took pictures of the evidence and also my keyboards and guitars which I could not figure out why, but they did. Officers R and L searched out the tapes while Chief B and Carol whatever-her-name-is sat and talked with me at the kitchen table. They were all in uniform except for Carol, who amazingly enough, did not look like a butch.
I felt like a kid all over again with my “mother” or “staffers” going through my shit and helping themselves to whatever.
I don't know what's going to happen, but they said I could write a letter explaining my feelings and bring it to them to give to the DA and they'd say how cooperative I was. My main goal is to get those tapes back and I told them I'd erase the pranks if I could get the edits back along with convos with me, Andy, Fran, and Nervous. I also told them I'd help them if they needed someone who signs as well as speaks Spanish or if they needed a housekeeper. I'd gladly go to court if I had to as I'm not worried about that. It's the tapes that worry me and I can never and will never make any more pranks again being in such a small town like this. Those tapes are so therapeutic as Andy and the others are far away now and those edits are creative and they took a long time to make.
8/27/1991 Tues. 1:31 AM
Last night I spoke with Steve and when I called I had no intention of bringing up Maliheh or the tapes. I figured it would deepen my anger and bum me out even more. Anyway, Steve just came out and said, "Ok, what happened?" It's amazing how he knows when something's wrong when I can explain to almost everyone else something good or bad and they still don't get it.
So I told him and that really did make me feel a lot better. I told Steve that even though Maliheh's a major asshole and I sometimes lash out on the phone to strangers when I'm bored or upset, I'm not making any more calls here in this tiny town. I told him how I told that to the cops and read him the letter I brought to the station today. They have their job to do and I respect that, but if only they can understand and believe how much I need those tapes. I'd gladly go to court but to never get my tapes back would be too much of a punishment in my eyes. I'd be so miserable and angry, even though, yes, what I did was wrong whether Maliheh deserved it or not, and they've got to do their job.
I'm constantly paranoid now knowing things are different in a small town. Even though they did try to be pleasant and talk to me and try to understand me, the nightmare will never end till I'm holding those tapes in my hands.
I told both Andy and Fran and they're both just as upset as I am and Andy only has edit tape 1 and part of edit tape 2. He has none of edit tape 3 and I had some classic material on that tape. I had side A completed the last time I spoke to him before this shit happened and he loved it. It really came out great. At the time the cops took them, edit tape 3 was almost complete and I had edited down everything. It was a major project that I finished the night before they took them.
There is one thing I can say about that night and Andy said he had the same feeling. A horrible vision of the cops confiscating these tapes crawled over me and it was so bad that I tried to block it out. I tried telling myself that it couldn't be. I wouldn't accept such thoughts to be possible. No. No. No, it can't be true as they never did this in Springfield, I thought. I know it does me no good, but I cannot help but think of all the things I could've done to save the tapes had I acted on my feeling. From now on, no matter how good, bad, scary, funny or bizarre a vibe I get, I'm not ignoring it.
All I know is that a big part of my life's gone whether it's wrong or right. No longer can I play those tapes to make me laugh or cheer me up when I'm upset. I can only remember and hear them in my head. Andy will have to mail me back what he has and it's not much. There are still lots of arguments between Nervous and Fran that are so funny. I told Tammy the tape got eaten up and said she'd mail them back to me. She only has one tape, though. At least Andy has the Rick and Nervous argument and himself leaving that message on Nervous's boss's machine. I hope he's got the complex argument too along with “East Shnoanok” (Andy singing backward) and the voice exercises I'll need.
Even Kim's so bummed out about it. Steve told me not to worry, but how can I not?
I called Andy a little while ago at the Denny's he's now working at. He told me he'd call around 9:00 this morning my time.
I remembered that I have a Steve Perry tape with only one song I like. I took the tape, played it and there it was. I cried, laughed and smiled but it's not much. Only a few crossings. I won't be completely happy till they're all back if they ever are.
I miss Andy so much and never thought I'd feel so much emptier. Even emptier than in Springfield as much as I don't miss Springfield and I love this apartment, I feel so much more trapped at times. The vision and that feeling that I'm destined to be a singer are never gonna go away. I feel so much more cut off from my friends and my musical possibilities. I miss doing all the things Andy and I used to do if nothing spectacular came out of it. I miss all the things we did. I miss Steve. I never figured I'd be so much more miserable and empty, even though, I'm grateful for this apartment and this area. Other than the violence and the drugs and really bad crimes, I miss certain things about the city. The phone calls were easier and no search warrant was ever done. Also, it's much more convenient for people with no car. Mom and dad always said how you've got to take chances in life, yet they're so afraid of the idea of me moving to Arizona. They always have to control me. Like they give a damn about what they know I've wanted all my life? Whenever I'm upset about something, no matter what it is, they condemn me and make me feel ashamed and a fool for it. All they want is for me to be in a great mood and perfectly happy 365 days a year. They always put false words and ideas and thoughts in my mouth and in my mind. I feel like they don't believe in me and all they want is for me to be grateful for living here, have no life, be here 24 hours a day with 4 walls and nobody and accept it. After having told me a year and a half ago, over the phone with Andy when I was in Florida they'd help move me there. It doesn't matter if they said it 2 years ago or 10 years ago. The fact is, they said it. No one ever does anything they say they're gonna do. And mom says she can't afford to move me to Phoenix? Bullshit!!! Well, I'm not gonna accept this life and kiss their assholes much longer. I wish I was dead! I'll be damned if I'll live a life of settling for second best anymore! I'm tired of doing things I don't care about. I'm not gonna accept this life that they want for me! Oh, why couldn't I have wanted to be anything other than a singer?! Why couldn't I just be able to sleep with someone every few months if possible, without giving a damn about looks?! I'd really rather be dead than live the many years I have ahead feeling so unfulfilled. God, give me a break!!!!!!!!
8/28/1991 Wed. 5 AM
I'm back on a night schedule as usual. I should try to get back on days as within the next two weeks ma's coming. I also should be in court within a few weeks as I spoke to Carol today. She told me it won't drag on for weeks and weeks, but I sure hope it's before or after ma's here. That's all I need is for her to say, for example, Sept. 5th is the only day she'll be able to be here, then right after that, I get a subpoena for that day. I hope I get that subpoena fast.
I spoke with Andy and that helped as all day today and yesterday I've done nothing but sit and cry. It isn't just about the tapes either. More and more I miss him and want to move out there. I miss the things we do together and I could easily get a job at Denny's with him. I'd have plenty of places to explore and be able to go swimming all the time. He could get me an apartment. Chances of singing jobs are much higher.
8/30/1991 Fri. 5:12 AM
Last night I spoke with Tammy about the feelings I'm having about Andy, Phoenix, music and how much I love the apartment, but am so bored and feel so cut off. She was very understanding and encouraged me to keep my chin up, saying it'd work out. Well, who knows, but she asked me about state training and asked about teaching music till I could move. I told her it wasn't that easy and how there's literally no transportation unless you have a car.
I did decide, however, to place an ad in the Northampton Gazette to teach music or sign language here at home.
Perhaps, and I mean just perhaps, as I'll probably chicken out, and also cuz whether I do or do not fear or doubt people as it's pointless to meet people, I'll call Every Woman's Center in Northampton. Or maybe it's at U-Mass in Amherst. I hear they have all sorts of groups for women. Gay groups and groups for single moms, teenage moms, abused and battered women and whatever else.
Aside from my fears of people, there are two things. One is, having no car and the other's how much I still feel gay women are none other than a major turn-off for me. Again, why go to a group to discuss my feelings when I already know how I feel? I don't want a part-time or full-time relationship with a butch or a so-so. I want a one-nighter every few months with a feminine gay woman. They'll laugh at me and say, "Good luck!" Why do I always want the impossible? Of course, keep in mind as I do, of a thing called meant to be and not meant to be. I know there could be thousands of pretty feminine gay women and God will never let me have one for one night. Then, he'll send me one who's ugly or just another spot on the wall and laugh. Andy did say, though, how he met this feminine and attractive girl who goes to Denny's named Saundra that speaks Spanish, Japanese and French.