Where Pelicans Fly
March - April 1991
3/4/1991 Mon. midnight
I got that apartment!! It's gorgeous, but it is a little different than Kim's. I like it better.
Kim and I spoke with mom and at first, she refused to listen, then Kim melted her right down to the ground. I knew she would. Mom was impressed with the area, which she's familiar with, everything the apartment has to offer, the price, and Kim and Mark. She kept telling Kim she was a guardian angel. That is true in a way.
I'm moving on April 1st and I've sent Russ a written notice. Brenda and Jimmy are also moving on the 1st. Jimmy bought a house here in Forest Park and Brenda's moving to Palmer. Bonny moved this March 1st.
The night I saw the apartment, Kim and I went roller skating at Interskate 91. I had a blast. I hope to get new skates, though, cuz mine suck. They're outdoor skates anyway.
Kim came over today and brought back with her some odds and ends. Big bulky stuff that'll take up valuable box space.
I forgot to mention I had a really good talk with both Nervous and Mary D.
Also, I was right all along about Kim. Kim is very happy with Mark. He's a great guy but Kim feels he's too quiet and not exciting in bed. I guess, even though Mark is 28, he's only been with one other girl before Kim. Kim also told me that she had a wet dream about me and that she's fantasized about both males and females. Whether Kim is married or not, she's definitely my type pretty much, but why are they always ugly? I mean Kim's not ugly, but she’s plain. Even Brenda's better looking. It goes to prove more and more that God forbids sexual attraction for me personally for some reason.
3/6/1991 Wed. 3:45 PM
Well, now there's a warrant out for my arrest. I wonder if sweet little Jenny will call me about it. Oh well. When I'm ready to take care of it I will.
I am now at CC waiting for Martha. I took the bus here as I am in no mood to associate with Brenda. She's doing everything I used to do which I haven't done for many months. She pushes me away and she takes her anger out on me and it all always comes down to sex. She said she wanted to make love to me one more time before I move. I told her I didn't feel it would be a good idea cuz of how she always says she's all or nothing. She says she can't have sex every now and then. She says it's for memories and that she's not asking for sex once a week. I told her again, as a reminder, I broke it off with her cuz I felt I wasn't what she wanted and that we didn't have enough in common. I also told her I felt it was the right thing to do. It's happened to me so much and it happens to everyone else all the time, too. This is the 90s. So, last night she was grouchy and she snapped at me.
My hatred towards people only continues to grow and grow. I’m sick of people!
3/16/1991 Sat. 5:07 AM
Since I haven't written in a while, I shall update the last two subjects I wrote about. First of all, I guess there isn't an arrest warrant out for me. It's really weird, though, as I came home one afternoon and found a subpoena shoved under my door. It said I must go to court on March 21st. That's crazy as I never knew they gave you second chances. I'm not sure yet what I'll do about it, but I sure as hell ain't worried. Nor do I really give a damn as again, Jenny got what she deserved.
As far as Brenda goes, I did not speak to her for a few days after she snapped me out, but after that, we had some decent talks. She said it's the coke that's screwing her up and ruining her life. I admire the fact, once again, that she can admit she's got a problem but I don't want to be involved with her cuz of it. Also, the fact that I'm not attracted to her and that she's not my type still stands. I guess I can now understand some of those that dumped me all the while saying I wasn't a bad person. I'm not a bad person, just not their type. I just want to be alone more than ever for 10,000 reasons. There's nothing wrong with being alone, though. Me, myself and I make a great team.
So, my other news is that Andy left on March 12th. I feel he took a great piece of me with him. I feel alone. I miss him. However, I'm happy for him at the same time. Also, I've had a lot of problems with him so I'll enjoy the break from that.
3/17/1991 Sun. 3:47 AM
Well, Andy's now in New Mexico and will be arriving in Phoenix tomorrow. I haven’t spoken with him since he left on March 12th except for last night. He either calls collect or I call him since it's Kevin's problem. I don't know if I remembered to write about that or not but when Andy was here, he got the phone put in that name and he gave a phony social security number.
When I move the phone will be under Maria S and it'll be listed. My monthly charge will be $16 and whatever cents. I will not have call waiting as that has become a major annoyance. Especially if I'm talking long distance or having a serious talk and don't care to be interrupted. Call-forwarding I don't need as Kim and I plan to keep our front doors open, therefore, I'll hear my phone if it rings. I can live without 3-way calling for a while. In Deerfield, they only have pulse dialing anyway.
When I went to call the phone co. here in Springfield, they insisted on speaking only to dear old Kevin himself. So I called Hank, my old neighbor from Oswego St., to be Kevin and he did.
I have arranged for Nervous to collect my final bill and either ditch it or keep it. Of course, he'll keep it. Of course, he'll probably open it and read it, but that's fine with me.
Nervous hasn't gotten his butt up here yet as he's been working almost 70 hours a week. He says he will as soon as he finds the time. Also, he sounds impressed by Deerfield and my new apartment. I wish Feinstein's and the Bucket of Cruds would fire him till April 1st.
I have had some very pleasant talks with Mary who still feels bad about what she did. She should, too. I told her that after what happened I was tempted to go to her workplace and make mincemeat out of her there, but didn't want to get jumped by lots of people who worked there or were customers. I also didn't want to get arrested either. She said, "I don't blame you."
3/18/1991 Mon. 5:08 AM
Boy am I pissed at myself and frustrated in general. I just can't kick my schedule back on days. Bill's coming tomorrow and I need to go do some food shopping. Also, I want to see Jessie before I leave to get my bathing suits back and see if she wants Toffee. I'm sick of taking care of him. Besides that, I have not seen Jessie or her son in ages.
Both Kim and Andy probably aren't too happy as I was sleeping when they were due to call.
Yesterday I woke up after 4 hours with an attack. It's always 4 hours after going to sleep. I woke up mega congested and was so bloated that I could say I was 4 months pregnant and be believed. So, Kim called on her break and came and brought me to the ER.
That doctor I liked took care of me in Fast-Track as the main ER room was swamped. Even though she's married, me, Kim and several others who work there feel she's bi. She drops enough hints anyway with the way she was looking at me and asking me all kinds of questions about my being gay with utter interest and fascination. She even told me she liked my underwear. Thought they were quite cute.
My problem turned out to be not a yeast infection but rather a urinary tract infection and I let it go too long. That's why the congestion never got any better. When you have two different infections and you take medicine that kills only one of them, the other one worsens while the first infection comes back. She gave me Seldane to take along with my Theodur and an antibiotic called Bactrim and crotch cream to ease the irritation.
I received a check from fuel assistance for $488.
I really want to get a new stereo, but first I've got to start getting boxes.
Kim came over after Friendly's, after the ER and took back with her some packed boxes. She was supposed to bring them back over and get more stuff when I fucking overslept.
3/19/1991 Tues. 2:15 AM
Now I'm even more pissed than I was last night as these antibiotics are like speed. I've only slept 2 hours in 30 hours. I just spoke to Kim about it and I think Andy tried to call me this morning. I know he called Brenda but when he called me, I never got to the phone in time. It turned out that Kim wouldn't have been able to come down last Saturday anyway. I pray I don't sleep too late tomorrow. I need food, then Wed. I see Martha.
Kim is such a super person. I'm so grateful for her helping me take care of this infection, getting me out of Crack Alley and much more. I told Kim about my ear surgery on building my outer ear and about going to Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary 3 years ago. I told her how the chief of ear surgery took CAT scans which they didn't have when I was little, and determined that if he opens the closed-up opening, I should hear. I also told her the operation never got done as no one wanted to bother taking me and I didn't want to disrupt their lives. There'd be a few visits besides the operation itself and several follow-ups. I explained I was too chicken to go alone and didn't have the money for all these bus tickets back and forth from Boston. Also, the hospital people would never let me go home by bus after having major head surgery. Lastly, I told her with mom being 1400 miles away and Tammy with 3 kids, a husband and a business, there was no help there, either.
She was just as thrilled at the thought as I was even though I tried to block it all out of my mind. I tried telling myself I was born partially deaf, stay that way, it's nothing new. Her eyes watered as well as mine and she half begged, half demanded she take me through this operation maybe this summer. She said it would thrill her and make her just as happy.
Also, she said I'm stuck with her no matter what. That's ok with me as she's one in billions of decent people I can ever get. I told her 3 or 4 years ago, she'd have run like hell and she said, "You never know. You may have been surprised."
I feel shitty, so I'm not going to write much. I couldn't fall asleep till almost noon yesterday and I had to get up at 6:00 and then an hour later I went grocery shopping. I have felt very groggy all day. Or night, I should say.
Kim called about a vacancy next door to her. She's going to talk to the owner, but it'll no doubt be too expensive.
I'm dead tired so I'm going to bed now.
3/24/1991 Sun. 11:41 AM
God, I wish moving day would hurry the fuck up and arrive. 8 more days!
I spoke to Andy last night. He's really happy. He says it's beautiful and that there are so many stores, and everything's cheaper, including a movie theater with current movies that only cost a buck. He also says that even though Phoenix is a huge city, it's spaced out so you don't feel claustrophobic. He says maybe I'll be out there sooner than I think, and says he misses me. I miss him, and Donna sounds really nice. I had spoken to her here before Andy left. Her mother Diane sounds nice, too. He says there are tons of singing contests and that no doubt talent agents go there and there are 22 gay bars. Can you imagine 22 gay bars?
I'm so psyched to move, but wanting to be what I want to be means I'm gonna need to get out of the area in a few years. I don't want to ever have to say goodbye to Kim, either. Or Steve. Steve sounds really eager to check out Deerfield for himself too, after I told him all about it.
Kim's so in love with me. I mean really. She told me how she had another wet dream about me, but she really is sincere and true straight from the heart. Even though I'm not sexually attracted to her she's so right as a person. That's the way it always works. Sexual attraction may be forbidden, but no more settling! I've done that for 25 years. If not getting someone who I'm attracted to inside and out means being alone, I'll be alone. Plus, why get what I want for just 2 or 3 weeks?
4/5/1991 Fri. 1:05 AM
Boy, do I ever have lots to write about. Yes, I've finally moved and man oh man is it quiet here. No people yelling. No horns honking. All you hear 2-3 times a day, but only during the day, is a train passing by. It runs right by Kim's apt. I like trains, though.
Today is my father's b-day. He's 60, but he says he still feels young. No one in the family looks their age except for Tammy.
Tammy had told me she was writing a farewell letter to mom, but she and dad could call to keep in touch with Lisa, Becky, and Sarah. However, she must have spoken to them or maybe only dad cuz he said earlier tonight that Tammy said she was gonna drive up this weekend but Lisa got sick.
I feel like I'm on some luxury vacation in a big beautiful hotel. I mean this place is huge! I never thought I'd laugh my ass off about the Woodside apartment. I had so much fun using my dishwasher, Jacuzzi, trash compactor and my washer and dryer.
It also is easier to breathe here for sure and the temperature was 72º today. Therefore, I had my big window door open and other windows and I got a hell of a breeze. We are more up in the mountains and cuz it's further north, it's colder and it snows more in the winter.
Shadow loves it here. He seems much happier here and causes less trouble. No more eating my napkins or going in the pails.
Like I mentioned before, we each have our own stairwells. There are 30 stairs that go straight up and Shadow loves it when I toss his balls down and he chases them. His litter box is down there too, along with Gloria's pictures. I keep him there at night with a bowl of dry food. His canned food is up in the kitchen. And, of course, the toilet paper in the bathroom.
The day before I left, Jai came over and we had a great visit. I saw his place too and says he and Jenny will come up sometime. Also Steve and Jessie and hopefully Brenda, too. Also, Nervous came up the day before I moved and helped Kim and I drain the waterbed. It really was easy and lots of fun. I really enjoyed Nervous visiting, too.
I just finished listening to my stereo. I used that $488 fuel assistance check but I got a great deal on it anyway. It's sort of like my old stereo which Brenda now has. It looks a lot like it and it came with the same kind of stand. I got it all for only $275 and that includes a turntable, dual cassette, AM/FM radio, and the CD player. The CD player was a separate unit. Editing works out great and the only thing I hate is the continuous play. I can't rewind a tape while I'm listening to another. I have one speaker on top of the bedroom. The bedroom is the only one with a lower ceiling and is basically in the center of the place. The cathedral ceilings slant down over that and the rest of the place. The bedroom ceiling does slant too and part of it is straight. It's super hard to describe. You have to see it.
Earlier, I had pork chops for dinner with Kim and Mark.
Mark saw the place since it's all been fixed up and decorated and he freaked. Kim saw it when I got it all done 2 days ago. I love to decorate. I guess it's the creativity in me and also being artistic.
So that's it. Other than that, I spoke with Tammy and Hank, painted my nails and drew a picture.
4/6/1991 Sat. 9:46 PM
I just spoke with Andy who's still doing just fine and loving Phoenix. He reminded me that our clocks here go ahead an hour but they don't change out there. Weird, huh? He'll now be 3 hours earlier.
I played him the slurred edits, where I had the pause button partially down. They are so funny. I may do more editing later now that I have two tracks in working condition.
I fell asleep near 5 AM yesterday morning and woke, as usual, 4 hours later with an attack. Not a killer one, but a very annoying one. Kim is picking me up a refill on Alupent on her way to Springfield to work at Baystate. I've got a doctor that Kim called to follow up with this Monday.
Also, I stopped my Theodur like a jerk, but you know I hate any kind of drug. After the Navane, I've been really paranoid although that too has been better since I moved. What a major curse Springfield was.
Kim is so great and so sweet. She's everything I look for in a person. I feel I can never express how grateful I am for all that she's done for me. It's like being rescued from Valleyhead. She's a person that comes rare and is far and few between. I will just repay her by being a good friend.
Also, I was right from the very beginning as I may have mentioned before. She is very attracted to me and who I am. It's amazing too, as I've always said, "Is there anyone out there who's sane and upper class but yet will accept me for who and what I am?"
Sure enough, as we both agreed, we're a lot alike. Not all serious, not all nuts. We're both half sane, half-insane. Also, she's like me in always wanting to help others. I feel guilty, though, as I have no money to give her if she needed it. She doesn't need it but part of me wishes we could swap incomes for a week or so, so I could do for her what she's done for me. I wish she were here with me now. I could use the company and I'm bored but I don't do walks at night even though I can usually defend myself quite well. I did cruise up and down Elm St. a bit today at around 2:30. It was 80º today and I got a great breeze through my windows, even though Kim and I have yet to figure out how to open the skylights. Thank God cats are sure-footed as shadow went roof cruising for an hour or so. Can you believe it? I was scared shitless for him at first but even though he enjoyed it and was not hurt, I'm getting him a leash. That way he can also accompany me on walks. I tried taking a big ribbon and tying him up to one of the posts on the deck but he just kept slipping it off of his neck and going about his tour.
I feel so happy and safe since I've moved, but at the same time, a little lonely. I miss my friends and I can't lie, you know me, but the urge for a lover is picking up here and there. I hate that feeling. I've learned now, that those feelings don't mean I'm weak and yes I know you can be with someone and still be independent, but I still wish I could want to be alone 100% of the time. Oh well. I couldn't get someone if I wanted to as I've written about 10 billion times before.
Getting back to Kim, sometimes I wish she were here to give me a hug and just hold me, but I try to keep my feelings inside. There's no point saying anything. The last thing I need to do is make her feel depressed or burdened in any way and I don't want her to feel used. I only hope I haven't talked too much already. I also feel like a jerk cuz all my bottled-up frustration came out earlier today when I had that attack. Sometimes that's the only way to vent it out, though, and get it out of me, rather than trash my place or something stupid like that. Those days are over and I haven't slashed my wrists since age 17 and even though I was trapped, a minor and couldn't and wouldn't hurt the ones hurting me. Like I said, they're over.
I don’t want to lead Kim on either, as I am not attracted to her.
Time for some hot chocolate.
I want to be a singer!!!
Wait till I tell Kim about that call.
4/8/1991 Mon. 9:39 PM
Damn, am I bored! I wish Kim were here more often. I guess I'd still much rather be bored here than in Crack Alley. I am, however, going out Wed. and Thurs. nights.
Shadow didn't go roof climbing today but he sure did once again yesterday. I made the perfect leash for him too, or so I thought. I took an old necklace that wasn't too tight, nor was it loose enough for him to slip it off over his head. Then I tied a long ribbon securely to the necklace but he managed to snap the necklace in half. I've got to get a real leash.
Other than that I did nothing spectacular today other than walk to the store to buy smokes and watch A Current Affair.
There is something me and Kim are working on. The same fun project as what we did with that Dr. Statz. You know, snooping. Of course, as I mentioned before, the doc is gay. Or bi, I should say, but is married to some rich lawyer. Well, it's this cop and you know I've always had a thing for them. I don't know her name, therefore I've given her the name Jamie. Like I said long ago, every now and then I'm attracted to one where you can tell. Remember? It's once in a million years with a feminine one and once in a billion years with a half butchy one. Never a diesel butch. Well, maybe I should keep that last line and change the rest. Every 15 years with a feminine one and every 50 years with a half and half. You can tell but she's pretty at the same time and Kim agrees.
Kim tried snooping around yesterday but couldn't get her alone. She did hear Jamie say how much she hates Springfield and when she has kids, she's not raising them in Springfield. Kim then asked her if she was married and Jamie said no and then quickly changed the subject.
Kim is like me. We both know things instantly about all kinds of people. Things that most people never know unless they're told or find out somehow someway. My gut feeling is that she's spoken for. She's a cop. Not that God would allow me to have her anyway and if he did I'd dump her real soon of course. Or, of course, she'd dump me if I didn't dump her. Anyway, it all comes down to what I said before about snooping and playing detective. It's fun and the chase is always better than the capture. I like to be wondering and guessing even though I know I'll never have her.
Oh. I never mentioned how I ran into her, but it was by asking for a light at the ER while waiting for Brenda to pick me up. I also think I may have seen her a little over a year or so ago late at night when Andy and I were out. Another thing is, and God I hope to hell I'm wrong, but I think that when I was dragged into jail for calling that pig, she might have seen me there.
I'll keep writing about what happens (nothing).
4/9/1991 Tues. 1:22 AM
Kim came over and we chatted for a while. This week she's gonna take me to get the discount form for the heat/AC bill. Also, I'll go to SS and welfare about my food stamps. I don't need to sign up for next winter's fuel assistance program till this July or August. I will not transfer banks till my book of checks run out and I'm now on my last book. The other thing I've got to do is get a new address label for my license. Thank God I don't need to renew it till ‘93 or ‘94. All I have to do is get this little sticker you stick on the back of it. I remember that when I moved to Oswego St. Of course, moving back to Woodside Terrace, all I needed to do was peel the sticker off.
I watched a little TV earlier with Mark and when Kim was here I played her the slurred edits. Of course, she was amused. I mean, they are so funny. I'll never get sick of any of my edits although I need to start doing more which I've got to send to Andy along with other stuff. Old stuff that he never got that got edited right after he got the tapes I made for him and that was quite long ago. I think the last thing Andy got was Abbott so I'll pick up from there if that's where I left off.
I'll write more about my hair and weight later. I may verbalize it a lot but haven't written about it in a long time.
4/11/1991 Thurs. 1 AM
I had a really good talk with Kim last night and she bought me something that cost between $20-$40 and has 20 or 30 pieces and also 5-6 colors but insists it's a surprise. She says I'll love it and that she can't wait till I see it. She also said it was something I mentioned once or twice when we first met. She kept giving me all these weird clues and even drew part of it at two different angles. I still have no idea what the heck it is, but I guess it's music-related.
Tammy also called to tell me she may be here the weekend after next but she'll soon let me know for sure. Lisa still has strep throat and I spoke with her, too, briefly. Tammy also said that this cat she's been feeding had two kittens under Lisa's bed. She may give them to me, but I have to wait 6 more weeks before they're done nursing. I also told Tammy how Kim feels about Mark and how she feels about me.
4/23/1991 Tues. 11:41 PM
It's so hard to believe I've only been here for 23 days. It seems like so much longer.
Kim and I have continued to have great times together. Can you believe she bought me $75 roller skates?! They're so nice too. They're the boot kind and they're indoor skates rather than my old outdoor sneaker skates. The boots are white with neon pink wheels. Since I got my schedule pretty much normal, I'm gonna go roller skating this Thursday night.
Next, she's talking about a new spring jacket. You know me, I never ask and she won't take no for an answer, but it feels weird. Only my parents would buy me stuff like that. But then again, Brenda bought stuff here and there till she came into money problems and I helped her out. I was more than happy to return the favor, but not for crack.
Kim may have gotten a job at the doctor's office where I went to follow up on my asthma. He gave me a new inhaler and in between that and the clean fresh air, my breathing better. Also, my skin looks and feels better and my hair is growing faster and my hair always grew like a weed to begin with.
This Earth Day thing has hundreds of people spending many hours cleaning up the Mill River. They wait till I leave to do it.
I spoke with Jenny who called earlier and we had a nice chat. Bill hasn't called back yet but I've spoken with Hank and Nervous and have yet to speak with Jessie, Steve or Brenda. I'm not sure that I will but I've got to contact Jessie to arrange for her to either bring the bathing suits she borrowed up here or mail them. I don't know yet when Tammy's coming up yet or when mom and dad are.
Oh, almost forgot, I spoke with Andy yesterday and I played him new edits.
I do have more to write about but I'm in one of my phases where I'm not in the mood to write so, I'll continue updating later.