Where Pelicans Fly
November - December 1990
11/2/1990 Fri. 6:05 AM
Yesterday was awful. I was so pissed at Russ. For the last 5 mornings, during the wee hours of the morning, it was freezing. Later on between 7:00-11:00, it would turn into a sauna. I woke up for two reasons. One was the fucking radiator in the kitchen would clank so loud, you could probably hear it downtown. The other is that I'd have major asthma attacks due to it. It would get so hot in here that my windows would be wet. I yelled on Russ's machine, asking what it’s gonna take for the heat to be evened out and he stopped up to adjust the thermostat. If this happens continuously, I'll make partial rent payments and if he fights it he'll wish partial rent problems were the only problems he's had with me. Otherwise, he's a nice guy and the best landlord I've ever had. He doesn't do this deliberately, he just has no brains when it comes to heating.
Today, later on, I'm definitely gonna get the fuck outa this apartment. Where to, I do not know, but I've got to get out.
11/6/1990 Tues. 3:18 AM
I fell asleep shortly after 11 PM, after seeing the Tai Babilonia story, then at 1:45, I woke up for no reason at all. At least I didn't wake up cuz of an asthma attack like I did yesterday morning and several previous mornings. I feel much better now and for the last 5 days, I've had 4-6 ciggies.
Soon I'm going to try to go back to sleep so I can join Andy on job-hunting trips. Not a job for me, for him of course, but it'll get me out of the apt.
I'd like to sleep with Shadow, but he keeps waking me up.
I had a great visit with Tammy and the kids, and also a great day with Brenda. Sarah's adorable and she's got so much hair on her head. Everyone in the family was born with lots of hair.
John came over for a half-hour tonight and met Brenda and Bill.
Oh, I wish I knew my test scores! I want so badly to go to the academy. I suppose, though, I won't be going for whatever reason cuz I want to go badly. Of course, that is until I can get anything going musically.
11/11/1990 Sun. 5:22 AM
Well, I'm not going to be sleeping for a hell of a long time. I never got up yesterday till 9pm. I had woken up in the early afternoon but felt like shit so I went back to sleep. Not too much has happened since I last wrote. I've done some pretty nice drawings, been pissed at Russ cuz he's got the heat off from 11pm–6am, been a little depressed cooped up at home and wanting to sing. Lastly, been frustrated and scared over my bronchitis.
11/14/1990 Wed. 10:45 AM
I am waiting to have my hair trimmed at Hair Performance by Linda. My top layer is incredibly fried. Also, I need my bangs trimmed.
Brenda's very sick today so I'm going to be going to Martha by bus and it is incredibly freezing out!
11/29/1990 Thurs. 7:39 AM
I haven't written in a while which I sometimes don't. Last thing I see I wrote about getting my hair trimmed. Linda trimmed my bangs and my top layer. My top layer was and still is pretty much fried with split ends. I have split ends everywhere. She was shocked at the weight I lost and how long my hair's gotten. I haven't seen her in 3 years or so. Linda hasn't seen me at my skinniest though since I've gained 8 pounds. Funny thing is that it looks like I gained double, like 16 pounds. Of course, that's cuz I'm so short. I no longer despise being short as I've realized the many advantages of being short as I've gotten older.
Andy's here now asleep. He came over two nights ago, too. We made some calls this time. Last night we played Crazy 8's which we haven't done since we were kids at the beach. Also, we played the piano.
I'll write later as I'm exhausted. For the last two months or so I've been sleeping at night, but I was up all night cuz I slept too many hours yesterday.
12/2/1990 Sun. 8:21 PM
Well, two more days and here comes a b-day I sure as hell thought I'd never see. A quarter of a century. I get smarter and more talented and more experienced with each year, but all in all, I still feel the same as when I was 10 or 15 or 20. Despite my lungs, that is, but today I don't feel quite so bad. Of course, it was kind of miraculous I even made it to my 18th birthday with all the shit that I went through what with jumping out the window, overdosing, and other people trying to kill me physically or mentally.
Well, although I won't have my foot in the door with the fame and fortune till 1994, as my vibes tell me, I have a feeling that 1991 is going to be a special year for me in a different, but very good way. I'm 100% sure now about smoking, but there's other stuff scheduled. I'm not going to be so cursed anymore. The shit that happened to my lungs wasn't meant to be just cuz of my singing, but it was also maybe a testing period, too. I've done my time with survival tests, that's for sure. No, I do not think 1991 brings a woman I'm overwhelmed by and that's my ideal type person-wise. That was never meant to be.
12/4/1990 Tues. 9:09 AM
Do I get snow for my b-day? No, of course not. Instead, it's raining cats and dogs out there.
About half an hour ago Tammy called. At 7:30 Brenda called. Oh, by the way, Brenda and I are just friends now. At 5:30, Andy called as he couldn't sleep either. I've been awake now for 16 hours. I need to go to Food Fart desperately, but can't till noon, and I don't think I can hold out till then. I just don't feel like going to bed, though. Oh, what the heck? I'll sleep for a few hours. Not too many cuz I have therapy tomorrow.
12/9/1990 Sun. 1:26 AM
Brenda and I went to Tammy's today and I got the upright vacuum I've been wanting from mom and dad, and Tammy and Bill and the kids gave me a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings and another pair of earrings and some perfume.
Tammy was upset cuz she could sense something was wrong with me and at first, I wouldn't talk to her. I explained to her how I broke up with Brenda cuz I'm so used to being alone and I felt I wasn't stable enough for her. I told her that cuz I'm a night person and I don't have a bigger sex drive and I'm not calm 24/7 I felt I wasn't good enough. Tammy says every relationship I get into I run scared when a person gets too close. She also says my past has affected me badly and that I'm too negative. I told her I didn't feel I was pushing Brenda away and that I felt I was doing her a favor. I also told her that I felt I was being practical, not negative. After being alone for 25 years it's too hard to jump into a relationship and I no longer care to put the effort into a relationship and have to deal with trying to communicate and compromise with the person. Also, I never was overwhelmed in a good way by Brenda and I'll never have anyone I am overwhelmed by. What good would it do me anyway, to have a person I'm overwhelmed by? All they'd do is dump me. Either that or I'll get someone I'll end up dumping.
Andy will be moving in within the next two weeks so we can save money and move to Phoenix.
12/24/1990 Mon. 6:53 AM
Andy will be moving in next Saturday and storing his furniture at his old house which his brother owns. Starting tomorrow, he's going to be bringing shit over here and there.
Ma doesn't know, so she'll continue paying the part of the rent she pays. She's been a major bitch to me and was incredibly rude to both Andy and me over the phone when we spoke to her about Phoenix. She really pisses me off. Especially when last year she said she'd help financially with the move to Arizona and agreed with us as far as our reasons for moving, and now she wants nothing to do with it. I bet her anger has to do with good old Miss Jennifer C and other members of this sick family which me and Andy harassed to death over the phone, but if I receive any subpoenas, I'm not going to court.
I have not smoked since yesterday, the 23rd at 2:30 AM. It's been 28½ hours.
12/30/1990 Sun. 7:30 PM
Boy, is having a roommate ever going to take some getting used to! 2 or 3 years ago I'd jump at the chance to have a good, decent, honest roommate such as Andy. And you know how compatible and how much alike we are. Lately, though, I've been wanting to spend more and more time alone. The desire for company and for going out places is vanishing like running water down a drain. The desire to have a lover and a baby is also being flushed down the toilet. At first, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me but I now think it's just a case of my not wanting any bullshit.
As far as a lover's concerned, like with Brenda for example, I know I'm a decent person, I don't hate myself, but at the same time, I feel I'm not good enough for her. I don't want to be with someone and have to be constantly asking myself, did I do or say something wrong? Also, I don't want to have to worry about her or anyone else not understanding me. I know and understand myself and that's enough. What others don't know or understand won't hurt them. All I want is casual sex here and there. Of course, that'll be once a lifetime cuz I'm so picky and don't go to bars and cuz there are so few feminine ones. I have my fantasies, though, which are the most fulfilling.
I fell asleep near 6:00 this morning only to wake up at 10:00, so I do need to try to sleep more.
Also, I'm psyched for New Year's Eve tonight as I realize I've got 3 more years till fame and fortune and you know I'm right with my premonitions and predictions. Speaking of those, I've been having more and more. Bizarre ones too that kind of freaked me out a bit. One night Brenda and I were lying in bed when I just came out and said, "Someone lost money." She said yes, a guy in CVS. I said it was a $20 bill and she said yes it was and a lady picked it up for him.
Another thing was, a few days before December I predicted we'd have a major snowstorm on December 28th. I was right.