Where Pelicans Fly
July - August 1990
7/11/1990 Wed. 2:40 AM
As I lay here waiting for my edits to rewind, I realize I have so much to write about and that I really should keep up with it every day so I get in all the details of everything and so I don't have to stop and ask myself, "Am I covering everything that's happened since my last entry?" And also, "Have I written about this or that yet, or have I forgotten?"
First I'll start out by saying that the lessons over here are going great. Bill's here twice a week and his students are very nice and it's fantastic getting free lessons. That's $36 I save. I've only had two lessons so far from Bill but already he's working his miracles once again. My voice is so relaxed and he's doing exercises that help to widen my range. More soprano-like, even though I'm a definite contralto. It's a lot of fun and I feel great about it.
Well as far as my edits go, I have one hell of a classic masterpiece here. I've completed side A and have started side B. It's mainly Nervous as he's got the best voice for it being a sack of nerves "choking up on his breath" as Fran's brother Rick put it a year ago. The tape contains me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Rick, Tracy, Tony Latell and this other guy. My uncle Marty's on it, too.
Now everything I just wrote is basically petty detail so now I'm gonna mention two things that will be the greatest and most shocking things I've written in all my journals combined. Before I do though, I'll say that on July 28th I hope I can write something even more great and shocking to top what I'm about to write. Last June 21st on a Friday night, it was a last-minute decision for me to perform at the Pub and the Frontier. Now, the Pub's contest is strictly lip sync, but the Frontier's contest was talent, meaning you could sing live if you want to. I won $125 between the Pub and the Frontier! I lip sang Si Voy a Perderte at the Pub and sang live Don't Wanna Lose You at the Frontier. I got such a major response from the audience too, it was amazing, and I felt so confident too, and really, really enjoyed myself. There were several weeks at both places and I don't know when the finals will be at the Pub but the finals at the Frontier will be July 28th and me and Andy are both in it competing together for $1,000! The one at the Pub is gonna be for $500, but like I said, I don't know when yet. I'm gonna sing Si Voy a Perderte live.
Last Saturday we had rehearsals for the opening song, Vogue, that we're all doing and funny enough, I am the lead dancer. We have rehearsals again next Saturday. Last Saturday, Bruce, Chuck and Rachel didn't show up so they lost points and I hate to say it but I was glad cuz they're great performers. The MC, Wally, made us pick a number out of a hat and I picked 6 so that means I'll be the sixth one to perform. Andy was number 2 which pissed him off, and now he's even more pissed cuz he's number 1 as Bruce is now refusing to perform when Andy told him he'd be number 1 at his store today. They say it isn't good to be number 1-4 cuz the judges tend to forget about you once they get up in numbers. I just hope to hell Chuck and Rachel don't show up, but then again, I'm sure Renee will and she's good. There are going to be 4 judges and so Wally says they cannot fix it or play any favoritism, but my main worry is Chuck cuz he's gonna sing live and he is good. I mean good. And also, he's not a real woman.
I thought I had therapy today, but I guess not. When I went down there today Martha was nowhere to be found and the receptionist whom I know but keep forgetting her name said she's got me written down for tomorrow at 10:00. Why I don't know, cuz she told me she was changing the time to late afternoon at 4:00. Rose said she'd call me later.
Bill is here now with Cindy who's pretty good, but he also has some sorry cases. I bet he can make them all good, though, after all he's done for me.
Brenda's gone to Palmer for the night to babysit her son, daughter, a foster child and 3 other kids who all live with her sister Donna and her brother-in-law Kevin V. He’s a cab driver who used to know Crystal C.
Since I haven't yet written about 30-year-old Brenda S, I'll start by saying that I met her through Tom next door, who she was seeing and also living with till he moved out. She’s 5’ 6” with dark eyes and dark hair to the middle of her back. She’s a quarter Cherokee. She’s too thin, too. I had met her many weeks before we actually had begun speaking to each other and noticed her very, very intense stare as I was coming into the building and she and Tom were on their way up from the laundry room and to the apartment next to me. So finally, several weeks later, she came over and said, "I don't mean to be personal, but are you gay?" When I said yes, she told me she was bi and that she liked Tom but that he can be very immature at times since he's only 18 and very vulnerable. She also told me she had been married for 10 years and of course, like most males, he beat her up and used her for sex and he also fucked her over as far as the kids go. Also, the courts screwed her over just like they always do when it comes to women and children. They're living with her sister and Kevin who have been married 10 years and they seem happy and Brenda's glad they're still in the family even though she misses them to death.
7/14/1990 Sat. 7:35 PM
I had rehearsals today and I will again next Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Loopy didn't show up again, and also Rachel and Carl, whose name I thought was Chuck, were late again. Thank God cuz Carl is an excellent singer and I've heard Rachel's good although I've never seen her perform. Carl and I will be the only ones to sing live. Renee may possibly sing live though, too. They changed the prizes for the finals, and the date, too. It'll be the 27th, rather than the 28th. Also, instead of $1,000 for the winner, it'll be $500 for 1st place, runner-up gets $300 and 3rd place gets $200.
As far as Brenda's concerned, well, she is attractive, though not the most attractive, of course, cuz that's just a dream, yet she really does care, loves my music, we have lots in common, but she smothers me too much and I need to spend more time alone than the average person. If it was someone as gorgeous as Gloria then that'd be different, but like I said, that's just a dream. Especially in the gay world. Trying to find a very beautiful, sexy, feminine, flashy gay woman that's decent is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. She's far from ugly though and life is full of compromises, right?
7/19/1990 Thurs. 12:23 AM
Oh my God, has the 90s been a major change, or what? For the better, that is, so far. I was telling Martha this today in therapy, and about how the 80s was a definite curse for me. She laughed her ass off at the way I said it even though we both know it's true. She also cracked up at the way I said, "I should know, sweetheart."
The lessons here with Bill are going great still, and also, Paula comes over or I go over there and I still speak with Fran, Tracy, Steve, Jessie, Dedra and of course Andy. We don't hear too much from Nervous, though. This girl, Jackie, I met when I was working at the store, is supposed to come over for a visit but I don't know when as I've been unusually busy but it feels great. I've also got to see Allison at the store sometime.
Also, sometime tomorrow I believe I'll be going for a top 40 band audition.
7/23/1990 Mon. 6:49 AM
Jesus Christ! I'm so pissed off. I can't sleep to save my life. I cannot stand summer. It's so fucking humid. I eat and sleep weirdly in the winter, but not this weird.
Today at 2:00, I have to go to the allergy and asthma Dr. Also, Bill's supposed to be here and I've got to find out what time so someone can let him in if it runs into my appointment. I really should schedule my GYN and dentist and get a complete physical. And also, I've got some very serious house cleaning to do and laundry. Then the last and kind of scariest thing on the list is to call SIS and find out how I screwed up my book and bounced something. And these things with the bank always turn out to be worse than you originally thought. If it's true, I'll die. I'll get absolutely no help from mom, plus we had a huge fight. What else is new?
I have to wait till Tuesday as far as a yes or no to getting in the band Cue I mentioned. They were definitely impressed and the manager said so but for everything you do well, there's always someone better. My singing was ok but it could've been better. It was extremely hot and humid that day. Like almost 100º. They liked my pitch, my keyboard playing but of course, I told them I was better at guitar. Also, they liked my singing in Spanish, my ability to dance, and my looks. They're very friendly too, and they don't make you nervous. Even though it looked good for me, I'm always a doubter until proven wrong and something does work out for the better.
7/24/1990 Tues. 5:40 AM
Yesterday morning I went to the ER since that Cipro I was given made me so restless. Brenda took me to the ER and both Dr. McGovern and Dr. Mudawar met us there. McGovern gave me something called Ceftin as I have bronchitis. It has been extremely hot and humid and the air is so polluted.
My two mice, Gremlin and Gizmo, are going bonkers for attention just like Tigger does, and most especially of all, Toffee. They were given to me by Bonny, Brenda's 20-year friend. They've known each other since they were 10 and they're both 30 now. Bonny’s ugly and butchy looking, but is seeing a black guy.
Today's the day I get called either way as far as a yes or a no about the audition. Like I said, I tend to be doubtful as it usually takes many auditions before you get lucky. Everyone goes through that whether they're great singers, mediocre or sucky and whether they stay local or get big-time famous.
7/25/1990 Wed. 6:27 PM
I got up at 3pm and had therapy at 4pm which went quite well.
Yesterday I sang quite well as the Ceftin has been helping me as far as draining my congestion.
Brenda enjoys it when I sing for her. Yesterday Brenda and I talked, watched TV, went to Food Fart and made love. I am getting more and more comfortable with her and I feel less and less tense and awkward. I tell her I feel guilty cuz she does so much for me and I was such a bitter crab in the beginning, but she says she understands me and that you can never do too much for someone you really care about. Here's someone who loves me for me and who's had problems but isn't whacked out. Of course, we're gonna give it time before we discuss living together. That's a mega-major step.
She is great in bed, too.
Bill's here now with his students. I hope we can sing later cuz I couldn't Monday. I was too sick and thank God for Brenda who took care of all that so I could sleep.
Tomorrow night I have rehearsals, then Friday night's the big night.
As far as the band, I won’t know until Sunday as they've had tons of calls but I called Mr. Grant who's black. The whole band is, except for the manager Dave, which I think is neat. I said, "I don't mean to be impatient or pushy, but I'm excited about this. How does it look?" He said not bad. I'll just keep hoping and praying with my fingers crossed till Sunday.
7/28/1990 Sat. 7:44 AM
This was the day 9 years ago that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat till December 19th. It's so hard to believe it was a whole 9 years ago. And it was 8 years ago around this day, this month that I was admitted to Valleyhead and 6 years ago I left.
Well, last night was the finals at the Frontier and several people are pretty pissed off including me, Brenda, Andy, Andy's sister Marla and others. Once again it was 100% fixed just like the Pub. 500-pound Sue, who looked totally ridiculous, won. Rachel, whom I hear was boring, got second place. Renee got third. Renee is good, though, and so is Bruce who decided at the last minute he was going to perform. I'm telling you, when it comes to amateur productions in a meat marketplace they fuck over any decent person who's got talent. Another thing is that they hate real women. They're jealous. Plus, it's all about popularity, too. Sue’s an ass-kisser and knows everybody and probably fucks everyone and parties with everyone. She has been nice to me, though. She bought me an $11 pair of shoes I needed for Vogue, helped me with my hair and made all the people that lost flowers. It's still not fair though. They've fixed these things before on me, Andy and many others. Of course, Dedra will win the finals at the Pub.
Also, Brenda told me one of the judges they call Roxy gave her dirty looks and Brenda overheard her say, "Oh, she's just using Jodi," in the bathroom. All bitter, spite and jealousy cuz she's not a real woman and the bitch can't sing. I can't wait to confront this bitch. I never even saw or met this queen before in my life and neither has Brenda. Andy knows her, though.
Andy's sister Marla videotaped the show so I'll have to see it. Andy says he liked my singing and so did many other people and yes, there are a lot of good honest caring people there but always the one or two jerks get in the way and fuck everyone and everything up.
In the dressing room, Bruce and a few other people said they were pissed Roxy was one of the judges cuz she's unfair. They also lied when they said the judges wouldn't know anyone and there'd be no favoritism. Everyone said Carl's singing sucked. I feel he hit some very high powerful notes well but yes, he went quite flat on a few notes and really poured it out too much. I did have a lot of fun with rehearsals and the performance and I do have true and sincere friends there, but life sucks and it's just not fair. Now all I have to do is wait for Sunday so I can hear some more depressing news about that band Cue. That's if they even call me, and you know what that means if I'm the one who has to pick up the phone and call them.
7/29/1990 Sun. 6:26 AM
I'm so pissed! I'm going through the same bullshit on this antibiotic being so restless. I can't sleep for the life of me. At first, I thought it was me and said to myself, "What is wrong with me?" Until I realized what was going on. I slept less than 5 hours yesterday, too. Also, all night long I was exhausted and I figured I'd sleep pretty well. I mean, I do have something on my mind, but still, this is ridiculous.
Speaking of something being on my mind, well, today's Sunday. Another day of depressing news about the band.
As I was up all night I realized something about myself. Well, people say not to be so negative and to be more positive and I realized sometimes I am positive as well as negative but either way, anything I really want or try for that means a lot to me comes out negative. Seriously. I always fall flat on my ass whether I think positive or negative so what difference does it make how I think? None at all. I know for sure I didn't make it in this band but make pretend I was all psyched up for it thinking, "I know I won. I just have to win. I know I've made this band." In the long run, it always turns up negative. Yeah, well, no more jokes on me cuz today I know just what to expect. I don't fool myself or lie to myself either. Same thing if I met a beautiful gay woman like Gloria that was single and looking. I would never get her whether I thought positive and pursued her or hoped she pursued me or if I thought negative.
7/30/1990 Mon. 6:35 AM
Yesterday was one hell of a day. To start off with, I slept only 3 hours. When I got up at 11:00, I felt like shit and was bottled up with a lot of stress as I've been through so much bullshit lately.
Brenda told me that we were gonna leave at 12:30 to go to this lake with a little beach in Ludlow and that Bonny and Dave decided not to go. So it got close to 2:00, and Bonny still wasn't back yet so I figured she was angry with me and that's why she was doing it cuz originally she wanted Brenda with Bonny's sister Gail, but Gail's got a girlfriend, and Brenda said long before she met me she wouldn't really feel comfortable dating Gail cuz they were too good of friends. Brenda says she feels like they're sisters and it would almost be like incest. Also, Bonny's the type that likes to do things her way only. So, finally Bonny came back and I called her by phone and she said she didn't want to talk and I knew right away it was cuz she knew I was mad and that I was right, but couldn't handle that so it was easier for her to "hide" as she says I do. So I screamed out my open window and into theirs that it was ok for her to be a bitch but God help anybody else if they've got something to say. And there's a lot more to it, meaning a lot of other shit she's said but I'm not gonna waste my time getting into it, but it's too bad cuz we've had some good talks and she's otherwise a nice girl. To wrap it up though, after me and Brenda got back from Ludlow, Bonny comes running out as we were coming up the stairs bitching about how I cussed her out and said what I had to say about her smart mouth and false assumptions she's made about me (she’s jealous of Brenda spending time with me and not with her and Gail), and also, I think Tom filled her head with bullshit. She was saying that they were getting evicted and that if I wanted to fight we could go outside as she went to jump me. Before I could jump her back, Brenda and Dave stepped between us and I really wish they hadn't cuz I would've fucked this bitch up badly and she would've deserved it 100%.
Afterward, we talked about it on the phone and she told me she has PMS. But that was no excuse to lunge at me, and she’s lucky they stepped in our way. I told her I’d beat her silly if this happened again, but if not, I'd like to put it in the past and forget it. She said she already has, and asked that I not dump Brenda out of anger.
8/2/1990 Thurs. 3:20 AM
Right now Andy's on the line dialing strangers to hear the edits in which I’m playing them. Speaking of the edits, I just had a great idea! I'd love to see what's said besides to hear them. The sentences, I mean, so I'm gonna write them all down and put a star right next to the best ones.
We also called fat Sue and Carl and played them the edits too, as well as the Rick and Nervous conversation.
We think what happened with big Sue is that she bought her way in and gave the judges coke and that's how she won.
Today was a great day with Bill here. I sang very well. Three songs. Falling In Love Again, Skylark and What's New. I sang them through this microphone and amp he's letting me use and it's totally awesome.
Brenda also bought me 4 shirts and a pair of shorts that are nice, and I polished her nails for her. She and I are going to Tammy's Saturday, and sunning Sunday which I did yesterday and also last Sunday and got a little color.
8/6/1990 Mon. 6:11 AM
I am so fucking pissed off! I just remembered that I fucking forgot to see the return of Twin Peaks last night cuz I was with Brenda who really pissed me off yesterday for smothering me. I had quite a talk with her and I know she means well and truly cares from the heart but I do need space. I guess, however, I can understand how she feels cuz although my getting someone (regardless of personality) I'm overwhelmed by sexually is forbidden by God or whatever's out there, I know what it's like in my fantasies, and in these fantasies, I can easily be with them 24 hours a day.
Here's what the scale looks like when it comes to my take on sexual attraction. What I will not take: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. What I will take: 6, 7. What I can't get: 8, 9, 10.
Brenda and I went to Tammy's yesterday and I loved seeing Lisa and Becky. Also, I showed them the video of the Frontier and they enjoyed it.
Last Friday me and Andy competed in the semi-final contest in which they pick 5 out of 10 and both me and Andy won. Next week the $100 winners do the same thing and then the week after that the 5 semifinalists who were chosen, compete against each other. Of course, me and Andy know we're going there to perform and not win as of course it's gonna be fixed like it always is when it comes down to the final, final jeopardy. You fuck 'em all, you party with 'em all, you win.
8/7/1990 Tues. 7:25 AM
My lesson went pretty well yesterday. Bill brought the amp back and also bought me a cable to hook up my keyboard to it and it makes it sound awesome. Of course, I love singing through the mike too.
I haven't heard from Lisa, the EMT I had a one-nighter with, since the night I performed at the Frontier, and I hope she's still enjoying being alone. She’s a really nice girl and I can truly understand her and the position she's been in and I do appreciate her honesty. I'm glad we can talk every now and then, too. Of course, Kacey's still total history. Brenda on the other hand, I really do care about and am attracted to but like I said, not in an overwhelming way.
8/9/1990 Thurs. 4:20 AM
I got up at 3pm yesterday and went to therapy at 4pm and it was a good session. I really like Martha now and I know I can trust her. It took me almost a year to really take to her and at first, she didn't really understand me and it was frustrating but I really do like her a lot now and she does care and understand. She says she likes my philosophies and attitude and the way I express myself and understand myself and others. She also likes my sense of humor.
Let me get Gremlin out of his ball and in his cage and get another pen.
Ok, I'm back. Continuing after therapy, Bill was here from 5:00 till almost 10:00 and we're both suspecting that this one student of his may be gay. A female. One who's 5’ 9" and very friendly and the athletic type like most gay women, but she's not a true butch. Her hair is somewhat long and I'd kind of describe her as plain, but not ugly. The type I'd get, but hey, better than ugly or a guy. She seems more stable than Brenda and again, Brenda's not a wacko but this girl (I forgot her name) has an ok job and probably hasn't gone through as much shit but people are people and no one's perfect. She lives in Agawam too, this girl, and her singing's pitiful.
Bill saw the video at the finals at the Frontier and so did Stephan, which is Steve’s real name, and they thought it was great. They both hated Carl and felt Sue and Rachel didn't deserve to win. It's weird too, cuz originally I figured Carl was gonna blow me away to smithereens. Bill says, "They can't sing. Except for you, for some reason, my Springfield students can't sing like my Northampton or Hartford ones. I can help them get better, but they're never gonna really sing such as professionally."
This guy named Noel and this girl Dina are his worst. They can't sing 2 notes out of 10 on key to save their lives.
Later, or I should say earlier, I did some fantastic editing. I mean, it was awesome and very different. For example, I found an old tape from about a year ago when Nervous was here one night and I was singing, so I edited it and played it for Bill who thought it was great for just fooling around and he wants a copy of the edits. So later on the phone with Andy and Fran, I told Andy that Bill said it was good and after he told me the parts I edited he liked best he said, "You're right. It's fantastic and I hear traces of Donna in it."
So, that made me feel good that he said that. I should record myself singing out of the amp.
8/14/1990 Tues. 6:57 AM
I'm supposed to be going to the beach today, but I have no money to pay Andy for gas and I have no money for food. Plus, I have a slight sunburn and I don't want to overdo it and Andy wants to be there till night to walk on the beach. He told me to cover up if I feel I'm gonna burn but that's still a long time on the beach and it's just being in the heat so long I can't stand. I've been up since 5:30 and I'll be up many more hours and also going so many hours with no food. Forget about cooling off in the water cuz that beach is now so murky and dirty and you can't even see the jellyfish and now's the time the water's got tons of them.
I awoke at 5:30 today and I'm still not sure if I'm going to the beach today. I can't say that I don't want to, but I can say that I wish I had more money and I wish we could both afford a hotel.
I'm gonna go have my second cup of coffee or as Tracy once accidentally said, my second “coffee,” then take a shower and shave just in case. Part of me would rather stay here and go grocery shopping and do some laundry. I need to wash my curtains, rugs, blankets and my shower curtain. If I did end up staying here, I'd see if Brenda could take me to Forest Park. I hope Andy, for some reason really can't go. That'll make the decision a hell of a lot easier. However, he hasn't been there since March so I know he wants to go for sure.
Andy mentioned leaving by 10:00 or 10:30 so we'll see if he calls soon, but in the meantime, guess who was here the last couple of days? Jai and Jenny! I only spoke to them briefly but we had a great talk. They were arguing a little but otherwise, they seemed to be doing pretty well and it was great to see them. Jenny still told me how beautiful she thought I was and was constantly staring me up and down and Jai and I were joking about all Andy's and my lines. He pretty much remembers them all, too.
I called Nervous at Feinstein's Leather and told him to call me later cuz I want to talk to him about Sasha. Mom once made a comment saying, "Your problem is all due to smoking." There's really no big difference since she's been gone. I still have a hard time breathing when it's hot or humid and when the air's very polluted or when I smoke too much. It rained badly last night so today the air is very clean, crisp and cool cuz when it rains it pushes down and smothers all the pollution. So, if things ever were to work out with Sasha, what would she do to the animals? She never hurt the pigs, in fact, she used to sit in the big cage I used to have with them, but now I have little mice. Also, I was told that there's a spray you can use if you do have bad allergies but mine were never as bad as Philip's. He came over one night when I lived on Oswego St. and sneezed and sneezed non-stop and his face got all swollen till he had to finally just leave. Nothing would ever bother me if I didn't smoke, but I can't quit. God, if I never smoked I could probably be in a very dusty room on a very hot and humid day and not really be bothered or affected in any way.
8/15/1990 Wed. 11:43 AM
I didn't get the chance to write yesterday, but I had a fantastic time at the beach and I got some awesome color. Andy hugged me and thanked me for going with him, and I told him that I had more to thank him for. He paid the way as far as gas goes and bought us a chicken dinner which we split. It cost $7.50! It was hideous, though, and tasted like cardboard.
We lay on the beach for several hours and even went swimming out on the sandbar. The sandbar was up to his waist and up to my tits, but it was fun and also so hot that it was necessary. The water was quite murky, though, and cuz of that I was paranoid about jellyfish. Several people said they hadn't seen any this year and very few last year which to me, was unusual. Especially for August. The water was quite cool too, for August. We each took walks by ourselves to the rocks and we saw Charlotte who looked pretty good and seemed glad to see us. I played Words Get In The Way and she liked it. She also let us use her bathroom and gave me a soda. After I ate, I saw Mrs. Labriola and when it got dark we went to the flat rocks and he did his pretend interview and I was with some imaginary girlfriend.
The drive back was peaceful and enjoyable as I lay in the backseat pretty drained from the sun and after being up since 5:30. We passed someone's tour bus, too.
I got home at almost 11:00 and quickly ran into my apartment to escape seeing Brenda cuz I was just so beat and went immediately to bed.
Today, I see Martha at 4:00, and also Bill will be here. I want to do laundry today, get some groceries and change the pig's cages.
One of my mice died yesterday and the only reason I can think of as to why is cuz the fan was blowing on him all night and it got quite cool and he was in the wire cage, not the glass tank which is a little more enclosed. Now I fear for Toffee, Tigger and Gremlin as the disease is contagious. I sprayed the room with Lysol and I hope that cuz it's summer, it'll air out.
I feel so tired and lazy today. I guess I need to eat and it's probably cuz of all the sun I had yesterday so I feel very warm.
Brenda had to go to court for the guardianship of her kids and on her way out she gave me a pack of cigarettes and said she'd call me when she gets home.
8/16/1990 Thurs. 3:42 AM
Well, today's Tammy's b-day. She's 33 and also the only one in the family who looks her age. It's Madonna's b-day, too, and she's 32.
Andy said earlier on the phone that he and a friend watched the video of the Frontier's performance and that he was shocked when he heard me. He said, "Wow! I haven't seen this and I was impressed. Also, you could really hear you, even in the beginning." The night we performed he said he'd only seen a small part of my song.
For Friday night's lip-sync contest I'm gonna do No More Words by Berlin. I wish I could sing live but this is not a talent show like at the Frontier. It's strictly lip-synced only.
Today therapy went quite well, and also the lesson with Bill. He had me up to a C# above high G for the exercises. It was very loose and relaxed and didn't feel strained. My strength, power and even more clarity are back but sometimes I do get short of breath and have a lot of phlegm in my throat and nasally cuz I smoke. But overall it was a far cry better than a long time ago.
As for the performance at the Frontier? Well, everyone who's seen it likes it but I feel I could be better but aren't I always way too critical of myself? I felt it sounded too much like a kid singing. You know, like a high school girl or something like that. I felt I couldn't be heard well and also that Gloria couldn't be heard well and that both of us were distorted and mumbled into each other. I thought I'd overpower her, but others say I was louder and it sounded like a woman who was trained and I know they wouldn't lie. Especially Andy.
Bill's on vacation next week to San Francisco. Lucky bastard! He's a great guy, though, and he does deserve it, but when the hell am I gonna get out of here for more than one day?
8/20/1990 Mon. 11:10 PM
This weekend was sort of a depressing one as reality hit home this time. It was pretty scary, too.
As usual, the contest was fixed but I felt like I pulled off my performance better than I thought I'd pull it off. I won't really know for sure until and if I see the video of it. It was taped.
As far as reality's concerned, well, I just don't like the business and I finally realized it wasn't destined like I thought it was. I feel I'd have made it by now and also I'd never have been a smoker or have been able to quit by now. Also, I don't feel it's a place for a gay woman to be. I mean, I can see if you're a gay guy or some big bull butch but I'm not. I'm a tiny feminine one who's a prime target of rape and other violence. I'd be crazy to even try to make it cuz I will get raped or possibly killed. Believe me, God will see to it cuz for every good thing I get I get something bad with it and as far as something spectacular like that happening to me, well, I'm 100% sure something terrifying will happen to me. Also, you have to have money to make money and have backers and connections and be a druggie. No way. So, after realizing all this I asked myself, "What's left?" I can't have any kids and I want college to be my last resort if I can help it so I thought about the police academy but who knows if I can even do that? All I know is, somehow, someway, I have to make a living and try to get a better income for myself. I'm gonna hate it with a passion but it's either that or disability till mom and dad die and I don't want that. I'm going to miss never having my dream come true, but hey, does anybody ever get what they really want when it comes to their careers or their lovers? I just can't keep living on dreams and fantasies forever.
8/21/1990 Tues. 7:25 PM
I am now watching A Current Affair which is just about over. Later I’ll watch Cops on 61 while recording Golden Girls on 22 on the big TV in the living room.
Brenda is here. She's pretty tired. Says some lady hit the side of her cab today.
8/28/1990 Tues. 1 AM
I'm on the phone right now with Fran who's on the other line, and believe me, I know who he's talking to. This girl named Liz who he recently started to date. I spoke with her for a while a few weeks ago. She seems nice, but perhaps a little young, naïve and wild. As far as Fran goes, yes he's his usual pushy self, but it is kind of cute and sincere. He's very lonely and I just listened to them speak to one another. They spoke for half an hour and then when they were done I called Liz and played just one line of Fran's from the edits. The one where he tells Nervous, "You ought to do your laundry, it stinks." I knew it was mean, but I couldn't resist. I crossed her with some mean old hag of a lady, too.
8/29/1990 Wed. 2:38 AM
Today Brenda, Andy and I went to the beach. We enjoyed ourselves very much but I had some slightly annoying period cramps.
By the way, before I continue to write about our day at the beach, let me say Andy will be ringing the doorbell soon. He called to say he was dying to take a walk but that he'll only ring to say, "Hi. I'm here." Then he'll walk back home and call me.
Well, I got some fairly decent color but we were all sort of off to a late start so we all could've gotten more. Some’s better than none, though, right? We saw Tammy C and also Michelle G, the daughter of Dick and Bea who owns the skating rink where I took figure skating lessons when I was around 12 or 13 years old. That is also where I had my very first cigarette too, thanks to good old Jenny C. We all went swimming, but not really swimming as the water was kind of cold which is weird. Especially for August. What is it with this beach lately? The water, however, was a little clearer but it's still polluted and I'm sure it will always be. We went to the flat rocks during the day and at night.
It is now 3:12 AM and Andy rang my bell about 15 minutes ago and in about a half-hour he'll call me when he gets home but I'm whipped so I'm gonna lay down. I want to sleep as many hours as I can before having to get up to see Martha at 4:00 tomorrow. The last two nights I've only barely slept 6 hours each night.
8/30/1990 Thurs. midnight
Today's Gloria's b-day. She's 33 years old. 10 years younger than Linda.
I looked back further in this book and I was shocked that I'd forgotten to write about my new pig Trixie unless I missed it. Brenda got her for me. She reminds me so much of Jellybean who I had the last time I lived here. She's so lovable and gives me kisses just like Jellybean used to and Toffee does. I didn't expect to buy a guinea pig but she looks like Toffee and that kind of coat is rare. I couldn't resist. Toffee's black with streaks of golden-like rusty brown and Trixie's black with a streak of white that goes from the back of her neck down her shoulder to her paw. She's also got a little patch of white under her neck. Brenda named her, so they're the 3 Ts. Toffee, Tigger and Trixie.
Gremlin's doing fine too, thank God.
Andy and Fran are on the phone now as Andy calls people to hear the Rick and Nervous tape that's playing while I write but I'm gonna go listen to music now.
I've been beat all day. Why I do not know. I slept from 4am to almost 3pm today.
I saw Martha, and Bill was here from 6:30 till 9:30.