Where Pelicans Fly
May - June 1990
5/1/1990 Tues. 11:55 AM
I am at the store now. I rolled out of bed at the last minute and was dead exhausted. I never fell asleep till about 3:00 this morning. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight and record tonight's shows, Matlock, In the Heat of the Night and Midnight Caller. I need to buy more blank videotapes.
I just called Nervous. He's gonna call me later cuz he's gonna be on the road all day.
I'm gonna call Fran's and if his machine comes on I'm gonna press *37 and hear his messages. Tracy told me and Andy about that. I guess you can call the phone company to get that so you can hear your messages no matter where you are.
I'm finished with both Tracy and Fran cuz of their bullshit, and I also never got my $10 back I lent Tracy. There I was thinking she wouldn’t take advantage of me or Andy! Now the fucking con artist has nobody, and I hope Bobbie tosses her out on the street.
The phone company says they may get *59 within a year. That’s supposed to automatically dial the last person to call you. It won't do me and Andy any harm if people auto-dial us while we're making our calls cuz sooner or later someone's gonna call them, erasing our numbers from the auto-dialer.
I can't call Fran from this phone cuz Carl has a rotary phone here which sucks.
Today I've got to mail a check for the phone, rent, gas and electricity.
5/2/1990 Wed. 11:55 AM
I just called asking for Nervous at work, and Dick, his boss answered and he goes, "What's he look like? We have a lot of people working here."
So I said he was bald and had a big fat gut. Then when Nervous got on the phone I told him to tell Dick that me and my friends missed putting funny messages on his machine, but that we won't cuz Dick is a nice guy.
Nervous has to bring Sasha to the vet today and he better tell them like he said he would that Sasha's now his cat and to send the bill to him. Then he'll be up at the store, and I want him to meet me when I get out of school.
Yes! I'm going back to school! I forgot to write about it. I called Jean, the owner of Dunaeff School of Performing Arts and even though she has a waiting list, she's gonna take me in. And it's tough to get in, but she's heard me sing and always said that in her opinion I had a beautiful voice, and of course they have to be honest cuz if you don't have a voice, they can't train you, so they're not gonna waste their time and yours. They have to feel that you have very good potential.
Bill H is still there. He helped me before and is a really good teacher. He will help keep my voice in shape which is all I really need since I'm already trained. This guy worked miracles for me overnight along with good old nana and pa’s spirits. (I never did write about the bizarre experiences I had that I believe nana and pa were connected to) Anyway, if you suck, he'll make you good. If you're good, he'll make you fantastic. Of course, it would help 100% if I didn't smoke.
5/4/1990 Fri. 1:10 PM
Boy, yesterday was a hell of a shocking day. I was sound asleep at 12:30 PM. I didn't feel like going in cuz I was up all night the previous night and wasn't feeling too hot. At 12:30, my doorbell rang and I thought it was either the landlord or UPS wanting me to claim a package for someone in the building, but when I asked who it was, a guy says, "Yeah, instead of that long letter I owe you, I got those K.T. Oslin tapes."
It was my father!!! So he came up and we talked and I played the K.T. Oslin tape for him which he's trying to get me into like I got him into the Judds.
After that, we went to Friendly's where Andy's working and we had a great talk and a lot of laughs, and when Andy asked if Dureen was here too, and dad said no cuz one of her employee's husbands is in the hospital, we grinned at each other. Without dad seeing, of course. He knows what a bitch my mother is and that I value any time I can get alone with dad.
Then we went to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow where I got pig food and supplies and then to Steiger's where I got two shirts and a skirt. Lastly, we went to Blodgett's where I got a new guitar for only $138!! And it looks and feels exactly like the Suzuki I used to have which was $215. This one’s a Fender. I didn't buy the case cuz I've got the old Suzuki case.
Jim, the guy below me, said it was great and that I got a good deal on it after he tried it out himself.
Dad intended to buy me the jacket I wanted but since I already got it, he bought everything else, but I paid $70 for the guitar and sheet music of Gloria's for $3.50 cuz I felt he paid more than enough. Just to be able to be with him was enough.
5/7/1990 Mon. 1:25 PM
Tomorrow afternoon at 4:00, cousin Boo and Max are gonna take me up to Brimfield where dad's helping his friends with the flea market they always used to do before we moved. I dread riding with them, though, only cuz I don't want them asking me personal questions. Not that ma, with her big mouth, hasn’t told them plenty as it is.
I won't be back until 10pm, so I'll have to remember to set my VCR. I also have to get more blank tapes.
I met this girl who's very nice and very open-minded about gays. Her name's Allison and she's been a regular at the store for quite a while. She's been eager to work there so she's been hired to fill in for people who are either sick or need the day off.
Me and Andy may go to the beach this Wednesday, but with our luck, it'll rain or be cold.
5/10/1990 Thurs. 12:34 PM
I’m at the store now. Tuesday night I had a fairly good time at the Brimfield flea market. The flea market itself was incredibly boring. It was all old rotted antique stuff and as you know, I prefer modern stuff. The family we visited made a fantastic turkey dinner. That was probably only my second real meal in about a month. Max wouldn't shut up, though, and he knows I hardly ever get time with my dad. If I didn't love and respect my dad like I do I'd have jacked him up the wall and said, "Would you shut the fuck up?! Give your jaw a break!" God, I thought I was bad. I couldn't even get a word in edgewise. I'm sure it was all done deliberately, too.
Yesterday I went to Forest Park with this girl named Lori that I met at the Pub who is so ugly, and then, later on, she and her lover, Rose, came over to my place. Rose is very attractive, except for her teeth. They both seem very nice, but they're only 18 and 19. I told them that I have to be attracted to the person as well as for the person to be right for me, and also that despite the fact that I do get lonely, I'm just not ready. It's gonna take a while.
I don't know if I wrote about the great lesson I had with Bill at Dunaeff. He was totally impressed at how much my voice has developed and matured. He said at first he was scared cuz usually when a student goes away for a while, then comes back, they lose it. He said, "You're fine. You've got the technique. All you need to do is just come in and sing and keep up with it."
So I was on cloud 9 and I'm waiting for Jean to call me with a set schedule. She's got a waiting list but is going to get me in sooner which is great.
5/17/1990 Thurs. 2:26 AM
I can't fucking sleep! I'm exhausted too, so why not? I guess it all comes down to the same answer and that is I am a night person no matter how goddamn tired I am at night. I can only sleep at night in the winter but only for a month or two. I'll go try again, but first I'm going to go listen to music which I have not done today.
5/20/1990 Sun. 3:17 AM
Yesterday, Jessie and I went to the Holyoke Mall. We left here at around 6:30 and I didn't get home till almost 10:30, but we had a great time. I bought this awesome dress. I mean it's gorgeous. It's all black with spaghetti straps and it's the perfect fit everywhere. It makes me look great in the chest and hugs my hips perfectly to bring out the curves.
I also bought a tube top and a white skirt which I like very much, but even with white underwear you can see through it plain as day so I'm gonna bring it back. You can read the tag inside my underwear.
From now on I am only doing fill-ins at work, like when someone's sick or tired or like if something happens to Allison who's an epileptic. She’s a super nice girl. I've got to call her tomorrow, and also Jackie and Maritza who are customers.
I really want to work 3rd shift or at home doing telemarketing or whatever. Andy and I were discussing applying at the IHOP (International House of Pancakes) for 3rd shift on weekends.
Tomorrow, or today I should say, Philip may stop up. I don't know for sure cuz I haven't spoken to him, but I did speak to his girlfriend Maria who seems really nice.
Also Nervous may come over. I asked him if he'd get quarters for me to do laundry and told him I'd answer all his questions about music theory.
That girl Lisa called while I was asleep to make plans to meet next Sunday, and also I got a call from a guy who works at the headquarters of that 900-line to confirm a message I left. But because I left the message a few weeks ago, I knew it wasn’t mine, so I asked to hear it. Sure enough, some girl left a message saying I was looking for a serious relationship with a guy.
It was one of the women that called me in hopes of having a threesome with her boyfriend. Guess this is what I get for rejecting their offer. They also thought I was nuts cuz I kept playing them the edits when they’d call. Hey, it's their dime.
5/21/1990 Mon. 5:20 AM
Yesterday I slept and never got up till 10:15 at night, but I'm glad it turned out that way cuz I must, and I repeat, must be in therapy today at 10:00. She’s gonna bitch me out big time cuz I never went last week.
Tammy and Bill's 4th anniversary is on the 25th so I'm gonna get their card mailed out today, as well as cards for Lisa and Becky who haven't been doing too well.
So, where's Nervous? He called yesterday and left a message. I'll probably be way too tired to give him music theory lessons tonight in exchange for him doing my laundry but sometime today I do have to stop into the store to get my pay.
Also, I've got to make a dentist and GYN appointment which I've been procrastinating on for the longest time, and also, vacuum, dust, clean my bathroom, stove, toaster oven and microwave. I'm just so sick and fucking tired of housework. I always used to keep up on it during my first two years on my own, then just got so sick of it.
Shit, do I feel a little tired now but that's basically cuz it's raining out. It's always raining. We have had tons and tons of rain. No wonder everyone's been feeling lousy.
I wish the hell Nervous would hurry up and get a fucking phone so we can get him going and tape it.
Saturday night was hilarious. Andy, Tracy, Bobbie and I all got into a huge fight and after it blew over a few hours later, I edited Tracy who thought it was so funny and well done. It's amazing how we can fight and say such cruel things to each other and then be such great friends again two hours later. It's just like me and Andy. The fight was about Andy wanting to cross someone with Tracy as a joke and so he dialed randomly. Just any old number out of the blue. And of all the numbers in the whole city, he managed to get someone who knew and was close to Bobbie. Bobbie was furiously mad. Then Tracy got all upset too, all the while me and Andy were laughing our asses off. Typical luck of Andy's, who did that a year ago too, calling up some guy that he came onto that happened to be a good friend of his brother Eric's. The guy never told Eric, though.
If I'd done what Andy did and called a friend of someone in my family, they'd have told the whole world and probably publish it in every newspaper and magazine and then I'd be crucified.
I just got back from therapy a few minutes ago and I'm now microwaving my lunch so I thought I'd jot down a few words while I'm waiting.
Before seeing Martha, I stopped at McDonald's for coffee and Tracy was there, so we chatted for about half an hour. She's hysterical, that one, but in a funny way.
5/26/1990 Sat. 6:19 AM
Last night Andy and I went to the Pub which wasn't all that crowded for a Friday night. No one was there, such as Tracy and Nancy or this other feminine girl I once saw and liked. Linda was, though, and there were quite a few other butchy-type women in there, too.
After the Pub, we went over to the Frontier which was absolutely deader than dead. Andy said, "What is this, a private party?" There were only maybe 15 people there. It was a total joke.
Eventually, we may go check out 616. That's up in the South Hadley area. The Springfield bars are a total waste of time, though. They're 90% queens and 10% butchies. Where are all the other fems?!
I told Nervous to call me as soon as he woke up. The earlier the better so I can answer his questions and have him help me with my laundry. I want to get that done and the hell out of the way. Also, I'm gonna start getting tired soon. I do want to stay up as late as I can and then try to sleep as late as I can cuz tomorrow (supposedly) Lisa's coming at 1:00 from Fairfield, Connecticut.
I'm sure she'll be, if not ugly, then just there, meaning no real attraction. And more of a teenage girl than a woman. Isn't that all I get? But if she's a so-called decent, stable and mature person, I won’t be hearing from her again after tomorrow, if she shows up.
Does God really want me to go with guys? Is that what He’s been trying to tell me? All He'd send me, however, would be ugly assholes. It seems that no matter how great a person I may meet, male or female, He doesn't want me with anyone who really turns me on sexually. Maybe he wants me alone.
6/7/1990 Thurs. 8:23 PM
The day I met that girl Lisa it turns out I was very wrong expecting an ugly or plain-looking girl. She was absolutely gorgeous, but I was right about that not being allowed by God. Plus, I figured before I ever saw her and heard how stable and mature she sounded over the phone that she'd never call to get together with me again. However, I really find it no great loss as I really need to be alone. I won't say I never have thoughts or desires but I will say that I don't want any hassles or heartaches. Also, I'm so used to the way things are.
Ma's b-day was yesterday and when I called she sounded like a bitch. Why I don't know, but does she always need a reason to be a bitch?
Today I spoke to dad and when he and mom come up from Florida in August, they're gonna help me get out of here. I've decided I definitely need to move to Connecticut as I need family, this city's getting so bad, I want to have a child, and there's just nothing at all to do here. I'm so bored! I really want to be near my nieces and possibly make a little extra money on the side teaching music or sign language to kids or adults or whoever. Also, if I'm not sterile, I really want to have a baby while I'm young before I get really going full force musically.
6/16/1990 Sat. 5:36 AM
Me and Andy had an awesome night last night. To start with, about two nights ago I was fooling around on the phone just dialing randomly hoping for a woman to answer cuz I was gonna hit on her, but instead this guy answered but I hit on him just the same anyway.
When I did hit on him, assuming he'd say yes like the typical male would, I was shocked when he said no. I asked why he said no and he says, "Cuz I'm gay." So I told him I was too, and explained that I was just fooling around on the phone, and through the discussion, I learned that he was a very well-known regular at the Pub and the Frontier. His name is Dedra and dresses up in drag, then I talked to another drag queen who was one of his roommates. A black guy who goes by the name of Renee which I immediately remembered having seen before.
So, last night me and Andy went to both the Pub and the Frontier to see the lip sync contest in which Renee won. In 2nd place was this guy who looks a lot like George Michael who’s also a roommate of Dedra's and Renee, and also a guy named Corinne, and they're all so friendly.
Dedra was shocked to see how beautiful I was, she said, and also that she'd spread the word about me and that they said they know people just as feminine as me. Also, they seem pretty drug-free. Dedra insists that I'll have no problem getting a decent, feminine woman.
Anyway, Andy and I ended up playing piano and I sang very well. My voice is getting better and better. Before I sang, Corinne told me he could tell I was a trained singer cuz of the way I breathe and the way my vocal cords vibrate in my throat and by looking at my mouth. Even in a singer's sleep, they breathe differently. I remember Kacey waking me up saying she thought I was dead cuz I was so still.
6/28/1990 Thurs. 5:55 PM
The last thing I said the last time I wrote isn't nearly as shocking as the things I'm going to write about this time. First, though, it turns out that Dedra, Renee and Corinne all live in my old apartment on the first floor around the corner on Locust St. What a weird coincidence, huh?
That's nothing compared to what I'm about to write about now. First, I was on the phone one night with a girl who called from the 900-line whom I never bothered to call back, when my hero Bill H called saying that the Dunaeffs at Dunaeff School of Performing Arts was closing cuz they're retiring. Jean, I guess, has had a slight stroke. So Bill went on to say how he hated to see a low-income person have to back out and that he needs a place to teach in Springfield. He's from Northampton and also gay as I pretty much figured. I told him my place was huge and I'd be honored and thrilled to have him use my place for him to teach. So he came over and saw how huge my living room is and he said he wasn't trying to use me for a place to teach but that he really liked working with my voice and that if he did and it works out ok he'd teach me for free.