Where Pelicans Fly
January - March 1990
1/13/1990 Sat. 10 AM
What luck and a change of cards! And all within the change of decade. Why couldn't the 90s have been here sooner? On the night of Dec. 10th, I had my first encounter with a woman named Diana E. We had a one-night stand. I didn't know it was only gonna be a one-night stand though, cuz I didn’t know she’d never call back or returned any of my messages I left with her sister, but I'm sure glad it turned out the way it did, cuz God or whatever's up there had better plans for me. I think Diana was simply for the initial experience, even though I'm gay and I've known it since I was born.
Diana was part black, part Puerto Rican, and only 20 years old! I usually like them to be older and more mature than 20. She was 5' 4" and a little chunky, but feminine. You wouldn't know by looking at her that she's gay. She was once married to a guy and has 3 kids which she says helped her to really mature and I believe that although that's quite young to have 3 kids.
Midnight, the 28th of December, me and Andy went to the Pub where I noticed this girl with hair down to her waist who was also feminine. I mean, she doesn't always wear as much makeup or jewelry as I do, or the kinds of clothes I wear, but you would never suspect just by looking at her that she's gay. As Andy pointed out, though, she sort of looks like she’s still living in the 70s with her cords and long hair, parted in the middle.
So we started talking, but very briefly, cuz I guess she was caught off guard. She too, had been wondering if there were any feminine women out there who didn't drink or do drugs and who also weren’t assholes. So we just danced for a little while.
That night I learned her name was Kacey, that she’s 29, is 5' 4" tall, and weighs 115 pounds.
1/16/1990 Tues. 9:15 AM
I have so much to write about since I haven't been writing regularly. Last time I didn't even get a chance to finish writing about Kacey as I've been busy, busy, busy.
Kacey's real name is Kathleen and she hates the name Kathy which is a very common name, so she likes Kacey instead.
She works at a huge chemical plant as a chemical operator which she's done for 6 years and doesn't really like the people there but says it's good money. She'd really like to get into photography someday which she's really good at. She showed me tons of pictures she's taken and they're really good. She can draw, too.
We've been spending a lot of time together and the time varies cuz she works rotating shifts. This week she's on 4pm-midnight.
2/4/1990 Sun. 5:30 AM
This week Kacey's shift is midnight-8am, and I've been at her place all night after we had a romantic dinner by candlelight of fettuccini noodles, London broil steak, sautéed mushrooms and baked scallops. Then after that, we took a bath together, also by candlelight.
"For once the romance hasn't been wasted," she said. As mature and as decent as she is, she's had her share of jerks, too. In fact, due to our only getting jerks for so long, we broke up for a few days out of pure fear and shock. We just caught each other totally off guard.
Suddenly, though, all of my fantasies are coming true! Everything I've always wanted to do or the person to be like in my fantasies has come true and is here in this woman! It totally blows my mind. And I am very attracted to her sexually. She's proportioned beautifully, has beautiful hair, does her makeup nicely and has the attitude, maturity and stability I've always wanted. My background and music are no problem at all.
She's had some problems with her family too, as a kid, and her two best friends Jules and Cathy, who are lovers, work in a group home for adults. Jules and Cathy look like typical lesbians but seem super nice.
Kacey's the type that you feel so relaxed with and like you can just be your fucking self, she's very understanding of all kinds of people and a great judge of character like I am, but you're out of her life if you fuck her over. She knows I would never do that to her and I feel she'd never do that to me either.
Tomorrow I'll write more and God knows I've got tons of shit to write about which is both good and bad, but mainly good for once. It’s about Andy, Jessie, my family, more about Kacey, and this 38-year-old, wild but funny woman named Tracy. And Fran and Nervous, of course.
2/5/1990 Mon. 7 AM
Last night I had a blast! I mean, I had the time of my life with Andy and Tracy. First, we went to Denny's and were waited on by Sue and we saw Jayke. A few nights ago we went there too, and saw Bonnie.
Then after that, we went to Nervous's. At first, we were slightly obnoxious, then Tracy got him alone in the bathroom to try to con some money out of him, but it didn't work cuz he has no money right now cuz he just finished paying his rent. He's working now at Feinstein's Leather with a guy named Dick S. I went to school with his daughter Jamie.
So anyway, Tracy's a great con artist. She's from Philly which she has to go back to tonight cuz she has a court case dealing with a woman she conned into giving her her bank card and PIN. Guess she stole a few hundred bucks from her. It took Andy and I a little time to trust her, but we now know for sure she'd never fuck us over. Not the people she really cares about. Only the suckers like Nervous.
While she was in the bathroom with Nervo, me and Andy went through his stuff and Andy re-arranged the pictures on his walls, then stuffed one of them under his loveseat. I wonder if he found it yet. Then, Andy went to open one of his desk drawers and it went crashing to the floor. Nervous came flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell and then kicked both me and Andy out saying we broke his drawer which is true. Well, actually, Andy did. I was nowhere near the drawer, but it was so fucking funny! Andy was trying to blame it on Sasha, saying she got scared and jumped under the desk and he was just trying to help her, and I'm thinking to myself, "What a great excuse, Mindell."
So while Tracy was still up talking with Nervo, me and Andy were going through some papers we took in the car, but it was complete junk. I still haven't found anything yet like phone bills with long-distance numbers on them. Only statements to remind him of how much he owes, but he says that by the end of the month he'll have a phone again, which I won’t believe till I see this happen.
Kacey's home. Bye.
2/9/1990 Fri. 7:35 AM
Before I get to the most important things I want to write about, I have some things to say about Fran and Tracy. They are so Goddamn unpredictable! One minute they're all lovey-dovey, then next they're one fucking explosion! A few weeks back, Fran was off his rocker big time, and I mean big time. He could not take the slightest joke or tease. He'd scream at Andy or Tracy or whoever about such petty bullshit. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that he was off his medication or just tired, but sure enough, just as things were going pretty well between me, mom and dad, Fran had to go and fuck it all up. He called down there saying I was prank-calling him, and of course, ma believed him. Andy told good old Dureen all about Fran to defend me, and he also spoke to Tammy. Even so, the bitch wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks, and when I called there she was rude, saying things to dad in the background, so finally I just took the blame and said it was all my fault to make things easier, but Kacey said I should've never done that and that she'd never do that.
2/10/1990 Sat. 5:53 AM
Last night I had a pretty good night with Andy at Denny's, and Andy's got a great possibility of being rehired now that Crosby's gone. I'm not sure if I'll ever be rehired, but I sure could use just 2-3 nights a week so I'm not always so broke and could afford to shop here and there and so I can go to the beach this summer.
Andy doesn't want to be friends anymore with Fran and Tracy cuz he's just as sick of their lies as I am. They tell lie after lie, and Fran stirs up so much trouble for me and Andy, and Tracy lets him cuz she's so afraid of what this guy Mike, who she claims is the greatest guy, is gonna say or do to Tracy when Fran repeats things Andy or I tell Fran. It's all such petty bullshit. Neither Andy or I need or want any hassles by people who are so screwed up and lie, and Tracy's a major con artist. We don't hate them at all, though, and I'll just continue to be friendly if they call. I can relate to them somewhat, of course, cuz I was once as fucked up as they are, but Andy and I are not gonna put up with any hassles, and we're certainly not gonna keep running round and round in circles with them forever. That's for damn sure.
I'm gonna go get a bite to eat, cuz once again I feel slightly feverish and on the verge of a cold cuz of these extreme temperature changes that never quit.
3/21/1990 Wed. 10:35 AM
It's been 40 days since I've written, and I know I should write every day to keep updated and so I don't forget anything, whether it's important or not. If I write on a daily basis I can write not only the important things but also little details too. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has gone by and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.
I am working now down the street at a little variety store/Laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it's in the daytime and it's under the table at $3.50 an hour, but shit pay’s better than no pay. I wasn't working today but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some “Lucy’s,” which is when you buy just 3 cigarettes.
Also, I had left this journal last Monday in Martha's office, so I stopped in to pick it up. (I wonder how much of this she read) Martha looked great.
Andy drove me today and he had errands to do too, such as stopping at welfare for an hour, then cashing his check.
I'm gonna drop off to sleep, but first I have to go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.
3/22/1990 Thurs. 3:04 AM
I woke up right before my show, watched that, took a shower and went out with Andy for a little while.
John R, this undercover cop I know, who’s also a security guard at Mercy hospital where we met, is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I've known him for a little more than 3 years.
One day I was at the little variety store down the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who’s super nice and lots of fun to work with, hired me. I've only worked about 3 days so far cuz I'm waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. So, basically those 3 days I worked were just to get me familiar with the store which is very tiny.
Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebrate cuz a huge truck rammed her tour bus in the rear on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I guess she was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor girl. I love her so much and I feel so bad for her. I mean, this woman has so much class and is so respected that it doesn't seem fair. Emilio got a head injury and Nayib broke his collarbone but they've been released from the hospital. Gloria's received tons of phone calls and cards and flowers and I heard that President Bush came to see her.
In about 20 minutes me and Andy are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Rd.
Steve called from work which was so sweet of him. Last night we had a great conversation and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning he's had one which he said made him feel so dizzy he put it out, and since 7:30 yesterday morning I've had two and they made me feel like shit so we're both gonna keep trying to just take one day at a time. Steve said he's gonna quit regardless of people smoking in front of him.
Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn't try to knock down people's self-esteem.
Earlier I fed George, Jai's cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny. He'll be back Sunday. Jai and Jenny are also the sweetest people.
3/23/1990 Fri. 4:45 AM
After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went across to Steve's and gave him some tips on all kinds of stuff such as hair, makeup and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.
In a little over 21 hours, I've had about 5 cigarettes and he's had maybe 3. I'm really not craving one that bad either, and those 5 that I had were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart enough and strong enough now to hopefully get up the willpower cuz my lungs and nose are worsening by the day and as time goes on you get madder and madder at feeling so lousy. And then there's my singing to worry about too, and saving money, gaining weight, and getting a better complexion and blood circulation. It's amazing how much time it's been taking too, to realize my price for smoking and that it's no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, "I can't take this anymore! Quit!" But then again, I'm not surprised, as it took me years to wean my way off the Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper. The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for a baby, I don't know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.
3/24/1990 Sat. 1:49 AM
Right now I am on the phone with Andy making prank phone calls.
Last night I was over at Steve's and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep so I went down to the store and hung out for about 3 hours and played cards with Louis.
Before I went to the store I talked to John who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.
I'm gonna go listen to music then try to get some sleep. I'm just totally exhausted. Andy's still gonna be up all night making calls so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He's got 30 minutes worth of tape. He'll have a field day.
3/26/1990 Mon. 6 AM
Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke I saw that Jai was back so we talked a while then walked up to Lil' Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, then Jai went to bed.
Last night I knocked on Steve's door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier he had sounded as though he was upset about something.
Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I'm staying up till after therapy.
I never did write about what happened with me and Kacey, or about this girl Stacey.
Well, I didn't fuck Kacey over and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another cuz we're so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn't quite ready and her feelings weren't that strong for me. I definitely know, though, it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl Angie that she was with for 4 years.
I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones cuz love just wasn't meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat never, get involved again cuz it's just not worth it and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.
I'll write about Stacey later.
I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.
Linda S just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does cuz of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don't know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn't know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.
I'm starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I'm gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I'll write about her. I also have to call John, too.
3/27/1990 Tues. 2:18 AM
I'll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don't feel too cool. I'm lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I'll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It's really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever's meant to be will be no matter what I do or don't do.
Saturday I get paid and I'm swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I'll never be able to get for a very long time.
Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck outa this city, but I'll miss my friends and neighbors.
I had a really good session today with Martha. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.
3/31/1990 Sat. 7:38 AM
Last night I was over to Andy's for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I've finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, amongst a lot of other shit. I'm also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits,” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that's funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous. Or Andy, Fran or myself saying something funny, and taping it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It's totally hilarious. I don't think I ever wrote about this before.
Currently, I have someone on the phone, who’s been on now for well over an hour, of course, not saying anything, so I've played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they're still listening or if they fell asleep?