Where Pelicans Fly
October - December 1989
10/4/1989 Wed. 3:25 AM
A few things have happened since I last wrote. First of all, I didn't speak to Andy for a few days and he admitted to being a jerk at times and that he's had other friendships that he's lost, but he says he still knows his future lies with me. I know I sure couldn't live without him, and like he says, God connected us for sure. We have so much in common besides the music business. Right now we're on the phone calling all the people on the list we made last April with the funny names.
10/18/1989 Wed. 3:30 AM
So much has happened since I last wrote. Well, first of all, I'm just starting to recover from what was a massive flu that turned into bronchitis. For 4 days I felt like I was literally going to die, so Steve brought me to the ER where I was given a breathing treatment and put on an antibiotic and was told the next time I ever get a cold or the flu to get into the ER right away cuz I have asthma and allergies and they complicate each other and the flu gets worse along with my breathing, although I'm starting to feel much better now, I'm still pretty stuffed in the nose and ear.
Andy and I have been getting along pretty well and he says people at work are dropping hints that Bill Crosby's on his way out the door. I want the job back and Andy feels there'd be a good chance, but I doubt it with Demeter.
Today I have music theory. Tomorrow I have court, and at 7pm, if I'm not as stuffed up, I'll be auditioning for a band which I'll write more about later. Friday, I have therapy. My therapist, Martha, is super nice and very pretty in some ways. She's kind of quiet though, unlike Trisha.
11/9/1989 Thurs. 10:10 PM
Well, once again I've been severely punished by God, but I knew it would happen, I asked for it and I've paid the consequences. It all comes down to trying to find love and romance again. And for once I'm not the least bit upset by what I'm about to write about cuz like I said, I expected it all the while knowing damn well that you cannot fight God and what's in the cards for you. I've known since the day I was born that my sole destiny in life was to be a singer. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it, too. Some things are meant to be for some people and some things aren’t. Besides, you can’t mix love with the music business as demanding as it is. Especially with the fact that most people are jealous of musically talented people, and they feel like you're superior to them, so they feel threatened by you and they run. Also, people are scared of people who are attractive cuz they fear they'll lose you to other people.
What happened was that I called this number in which you leave a message about yourself for other gay women. You can also leave messages to men or a man can leave a message to either another man or a woman. I was supposed to meet this girl named Amy tonight here at 7:30, but she never showed up, then at around 9:00, I went to return a phone call to someone named Cathy and the number was out of service, so I know for sure what God's been trying to tell me. To either be alone or be with a man.
11/15/1989 Wed. 12:46 AM
At 2:00 this afternoon, I have to meet with Eric (Mr. Attitude) about re-enrolling for next semester which isn't till next Feb., but better later than never again. I had to drop out cuz of bronchitis at my doctor's advice and he gave me a note, although for the last 3 days I've been feeling better. My nose and chest had been driving me crazy for so long and still do if I smoke too much or strong cigarettes like Marlboro. My new doctor, Dr. McGovern, is a super nice guy with a great sense of humor and really is trying to help. The only thing, though, is that the antibiotic the ER gave me never worked. Then Dr. McGovern tried two more things that also never worked. One of them made me puke, but as long as I go easy on the ciggies, it is considerably better. I just don't have what it takes to quit yet, but if I did it would certainly help 100%. I will someday. I still don't know if I need shots. I doubt it. One thing I do know for sure from when they did the preliminary allergy testing is that I am allergic to cat, dog and horse dander as well as dust, mold and dust mites, but I’ve known that since I was a very young kid.
I got restless cuz I had run out of ciggies and was dying for one, so finally, at around 4:00, Steve got home from his job at Westover Air Force Base and gave me some. He’s the black guy living across the hall.
I left a message on the school's machine for Eric to get back to me about rescheduling our appointment cuz by 2:00 I'll have been up 24 hours and need to sleep.
If Andy doesn't go to school in February with me, although I really think he wants to go if our classes aren't scheduled around the same time, then I'll have to go elsewhere. It'd be nice to get someone who goes to homes cuz here I have my keyboard and all my tapes, but I doubt it. Guitar or piano lessons are one thing but I'm quite sure voice teachers don't go to people's homes. Especially the good ones. Also, no matter where else I go, or if someone comes to me, it'll cost me a fortune. Voice lessons just aren’t cheap, but what is?
Andy should be home in the next half-hour. Then I can tell him I'm going to Florida from Dec. 2nd to the 9th, and also that Philip and his new girlfriend Maria, are taking me to see Gloria on Nov. 29th at the Hartford Civic Center. That's my Hanukkah gift, and a leather mini skirt is supposed to be my b-day gift. He says he's gonna take some pictures of me since I have no recent ones of me and that I've never looked better in my life. I'm a perfect 10 from head to toe except for my being slightly bow-legged, my crooked teeth and a few zits. I break out before my period.
I leave on Dec. 2nd at 1pm on flight 777. Philip's gonna take me to the airport. When I return on Dec. 9th on flight 570 at 9:25, Marty and Ruth are gonna pick me up. Phil's gonna call the airport in advance to make sure the plane didn't get canceled like the last time.
I'm looking forward to having a good time with my parents and I really think I will this time. We've had a lot of talks and have gotten along much better for a while now. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that mom, dad and Tammy really see that I can sing and the talents I have achieved instrumentally, too. I sang for my sister on the phone and she was shocked. It was the first time since Thanksgiving of last year that she heard me. She’s been so supportive of it and really wants me to move down still and be with her, and she wants to help me with my singing and to find someone and it's not a bribe. She really means it or else she'd be the last person to suggest it or get involved in any way.
11/16/1989 Thurs. 8:24 AM
To finish my story of what happened when I called that number to try to get to know other women, I learned that most of them were just out for sex just like men. Today there is no such thing as love. The thing today is strictly sex. Two people gave me wrong numbers, one was supposed to be here last Thursday at 7:30 and never showed up, one left a message on my machine saying she'd call me back but never did, one called to leave a message and never returned my call, some guys called me about threesomes with their wives, and 3 different times while I was in the middle of talking to either boring women or women just wanting sex, the line was disconnected and I know they didn't hang up. It was more like a case of divine intervention.
11/19/1989 Sun. 3:18 AM
The morning before yesterday at around 10:00, I got this call from a girl named Margaret. I was tempted to hang up on her at first, but we ended up talking for over two hours. By now we've talked on the phone for a total of 6 hours. She seems very, very friendly and honest, despises drugs and wants to settle down with someone the right way with no lies or cheating and she thinks along the same lines as I do. Everything I want, like, don't want or don't like she agrees with.
The only thing that bugs me a little is that her accent is like Mary D and she's from Westerly, Rhode Island, but that's minor as long as she's Miss Right and is attractive, but that's my biggest fear right there. Is God ever gonna allow me someone attractive, even if they’re right for me? No way!
I mean, she sounds far from ugly and is definitely gonna be many steps prettier than Mary or Linda, but she tells me she's not feminine and doesn't wear makeup, earrings or skirts and dresses. There have been some women who were in between butch and feminine that I found attractive but not many.
Well, maybe God will bend the rules this time, but I doubt it. I am gonna be honest with her if she doesn't turn me on sexually which I think will devastate her from the way she sounds. I mean, inside she seems all I've ever wanted, but outside I just know there won’t be any physical attraction.
Oh God, please change the rules and let me be attracted to her! Please!!
She's gonna be here tomorrow at around 10:00 after a 2-hour drive.
She has a good-paying job and makes good money which I'd never use her for, likes the same kind of activities, loves to cook, says she'll be behind my music career 100% of the way, wants to get married someday, and possibly a child, weighs 120, is 5' 6", but her hairstyle kind of sounds like that of a butch. She says it's getting long and is going to continue to let it grow, and all of this is great, but I just hope to God I'm as attracted to her as she'll no doubt be to me.
11/29/1989 Wed. 5 AM
Sure enough, Margaret turned out to be not quite as ugly as Mary or Linda, but she wasn't too much prettier, either. A definite butch, too. She had nice teeth and ok eyes, but her hair was disgusting.
She was very hyper and nervous, and I feel bad for her cuz she really did mean well. She is very friendly and honest and she just wants to settle down with someone and love them and be loved in return. I think she'd be good for someone and would never hurt them but I'm fucking sick and tired of getting all the ugly ones! Why me, huh?!?! Am I that ugly myself?
I give up. I hate bars, and it just wasn't meant to be. At age 23, if you've never been loved by someone decent and attractive, then it's never gonna happen. Even if I got someone fairly decent, they're still always ugly. Does God consider it a sin for me to be touched by someone I'm sexually turned on by? Does He also feel that I should think that looks aren't everything? They aren't, but what good is having a decent and compatible lover who's so ugly?
Well, to change the subject, I'm not going to Gloria's concert tonight cuz Phil had some financial problems where he needed money for his business.
I want to call Florida where Estefan Enterprises are to see if I can get a tour book.
I can't wait till I leave this Saturday. I really need a break cuz I've been feeling like complete shit both physically and emotionally. Hopefully, this vacation will revive me till I have to come back to my boring life. Since I can't work, and have nothing to do, especially with Andy working 3rd shift and sleeping in the daytime, and since I can't be with anyone, I'm going crazy.
Tammy wants me to move down with her and I really think I will cuz I'm losing my energy. I have no motivation to do my music or to do anything really and I won't even mention my sleeping and eating habits. I need my family now for sure.
12/2/1989 Sat. 1:20 PM
Well, I am now on flight 777 and to hell with Springfield for one solid week! I had no problems taking off, either. I didn't get nauseous or dizzy but my ear is blocked. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely cloudy. I cannot see any houses or cars or buildings. The captain just said we're at 35,000 feet up and most of the flight will be over water. Here up above the clouds, it is very fuzzy but down below me it's all clouds that kind of look like snow. When I look straight down I can see the exact same spot for ages so it looks like the plane is really moving a lot slower than it actually is.
Andy brought me to the airport. It was very easy at the counter and boarding. It's just as simple as taking the bus.
I just read a letter he wrote me that he ordered me not to read till after takeoff. It had a lot of our funny lines and sayings in it. I'm gonna miss him, and I know he's gonna go nuts and be bored out of his mind without me so he'll probably leave funny messages on my machine.
We're still at 35,000 feet. It's amazing how smooth this flight is. Last time I could barely write.
I just polished my nails which I didn't get to do cuz I was up since yesterday at 5pm and fell asleep this morning at 7:00. I didn't get up till 10:50 when Andy called for the third time. Thank fucking God I heard the phone that time.
I'll probably polish my toenails when I get there and iron this skirt of mine that's pretty wrinkled. I did all my dishes except for one which I just rinsed out and a few pieces of silverware. I also never changed my bed. I did vacuum, clean the bathroom, bring out my garbage and do most of the important laundry.
Now the question is, what did I forget? Well, if I forgot anything I'll figure out just what it is when I get to Florida.
The captain says we won't be arriving in West Palm Beach till around 4pm. Luckily I have a direct flight this time. The captain says it's 79º, but I still can't see anything but clouds.
The stewardesses served soda, coffee and peanuts practically right away. Now they're serving lunch.
The plane's getting a little bumpy now. We were over Virginia Beach about 10 minutes ago.
I'm so happy. I really need this vacation and I really think this time I'll enjoy it and my parents. I can't wait to see them.
I just received lunch a short while ago and it was gross but airplane food sucks anyhow just like hospital food. I just ate a little rice and carrot cake.
At Bradley, before boarding, Andy bought me lunch just like he bought me dinner at Denny's two nights ago after going to Annie's, a straight bar where he has friends that constantly come into Denny's. He also gave me a $20 bill so I wouldn't have to stop at the ATM. I'm gonna really make all this up to him. He tells me I'm gorgeous a lot cuz I've really improved my looks, my hair, my clothes, my figure and he says, "You are so beautiful that I can't believe you've never been with a woman."
Is that why I never get hit on by them? Andy's gay friend Nancy says I'm cute but too troubled. Gee, thanks! Guess she'd rather the druggies. I deserve someone so much more than 95% of the people in this world, but I'll be alone forever, so better to just accept it now rather than freak out about it. People look at my bad points and never my good ones. Or they misunderstand me or exaggerate my bad points.
Andy says that the reason why people are afraid to hit on me is cuz I'm so good-looking that people feel intimidated and threatened by my looks, so they can go for the ugly druggies all they want and live happily ever after.
My mom better not give me any hassles over my bathing suits or makeup or my other clothes. She's got to realize that styles change and different people prefer different styles and that it's not the clothes you wear, but the person underneath.
I arrived at the airport at almost 4:00, and I feel so much better in the lungs and nose. The air here is so much cleaner and already it's easier to breathe and I know I could sing my best right now but my mother, of course, would have a heart attack. I can't wait to spend some time alone with dad.
We went out to eat and I got a hamburger, then we went swimming at the pool that has a whirlpool. Tomorrow I want to go to the other pool with the beach behind it, but as usual, cuz I'm here I think it's gonna be overcast and chilly. From now on I really ought to come down in April or September.
Believe it or not, I'm still wide awake, but very relaxed. It's weird sleeping with mom and dad a few feet away watching TV. See what living alone for 4 years does to you? When they go to sleep, I'm sure I'll sleep fine. I did the last time.
I'm so thrilled at how much better I can breathe. Springfield is so fucking polluted. I mean, really and you don't realize it till you get down here. I give anything to live here. This island is so beautiful and so peaceful. No drugs. No crime. No troublemakers and typical males. It sure would be hard to meet other gay women in this area but I'd give my fucking life to live here. There's no way I could, though. Ma would never ever consider it and I could never do it on my own. Of course, not till I get famous, and what about Andy? It's just so easy to breathe, though. Could have a tan and wear bathing suits and tank tops and shorts year-round. No heavy coats. No gloves. No hats. No boots. I could breathe, but it'll do me no good to even dream about it. See, I know medication isn't the answer. I need to be in a beautiful place like this with the beaches. Then I'd never think of a lover. I'd do just fine by myself.
12/3/1989 Sun. 7:30 PM
Today we went to a flea market and I bought a gorgeous bikini that I saw in a catalog for over $40 and it was only $15. It's almost like a leopard kind of print and it's a French cut which means it's high-waisted and makes you look like you've got longer legs. It's cut just perfectly with the perfect fit.
I also got some postcards which I'm gonna write and mail tomorrow and one of those huge elastics with lots of cloth on it. The one I got is blue denim.
And last of all, I got a beautiful necklace. A short thick gold chain with a red shiny glass stone in the front.
Andy called today to say he misses me already and that he's got the next 5 days off cuz Crosby's been giving him shit again and he and I are going to the labor board for damn sure. He says he's so lost and bored without me. I wish he and I could live down here. I told him I could never begin to describe how beautiful it is here and that he'd have to see it for himself, but sure enough, it's quite chilly today and will be till Wednesday cuz I'm here. Am I cursed or what? Tammy called earlier and was laughing her ass off at me cuz of the weather I have to put up with when I want to lie out in the sun and get a tan and go swimming.
I sang several songs for dad which he enjoyed and he says he can see me as a singer someday for sure and he also has this feeling I'll be making big bucks someday and that it was meant to be.
I asked ma if she thinks I'll ever have kids and she said she didn't know.
12/4/1989 Mon. 5 PM
Well, I'm 24 today and I still feel as young and as fit as a really young kid still filled with energy to run around all day and be hyper and obnoxious at times but in a fun way.
I still can breathe so much better here, except it's still a little rough of course in the mornings and late at night when I'm tired. I feel no loneliness or boredom or anxiety here, but mom still can be the usual nag she always was.
I was at ma's store today helping her out and she gave me a one-piece bathing suit that is pretty, but I'd rather wear a two-piece, so I tan my stomach and don't look like an Oreo cookie.
Ma’s being a total bitch right now. I could swear she just told Charlotte I looked like a slut on the phone in her bedroom.
Earlier dad and I fished from the dock and I was able to get a little sun but it's chilly now.
Dad's out cooking steaks on the grill.
12/9/1989 Sat. 7:20 PM
Once again I’m on the plane and headed home. I can't wait to see Andy, and I sure miss my music. The only thing that pisses me off is that I've got a lousy cold like I knew I'd be getting sooner or later. I just didn't think I'd get it before going home. I got it the day after my b-day.
Ma gave me lots of clothes and jewelry for Chanukah.
I sang for dad several times and he says he can definitely picture me on records and tapes someday and he's got the feeling now stronger than ever that it is my destiny and was meant to be and will happen.