Where Pelicans Fly
7/1/1989 Sat. 7:28 AM
I didn't enjoy work last night, though I didn't feel nervous, knew exactly what to do, and did it well. I made $37 in tips, plus $44 in my paycheck, then towards the end, I waited on two huge tables with several people and ended up with another $20. So $110 in all is not bad at all.
Andy and I were gonna go to the beach today, but it's a little cloudy, and also, we may be wide awake now, but in a few hours we'll be exhausted, so we postponed it until next week. I need to catch up on my sleep anyway, cuz yesterday I got up at 8:00 in the morning, then last night I only slept for two hours.
Yesterday I had a great time with mom and dad. They told me to shop in McCrory's and to buy anything I wanted and I bought almost $80 worth of stuff. I got these gorgeous outfits that look great on me. Three miniskirts with thick black waistbands and matching tops in deep purple, deep aqua and then one in black and white. I also got a sexy nightie, panties, nail polish, curtain rods, and also a real sexy half-shirt. I should've bought more outfits and I kind of want to go back and shop some more with the $20 they gave me. They didn't have the pens I wanted or any journals. I got a really nice pair of shoes for $40.
Soon I leave for work which I'm not in the mood for, but usually, once I get there, I get in the mood. I don't know how long tonight I'll be working but I hope not long. If it is long though, the money never hurts.
Just a little while ago I went to the mall with Andy. I bought a really nice halter top with gathered material at the bust. It's gold with big black polka dots. I also bought two more of those skirts with matching tops. One’s red with tiny white dots and one’s dark green. Last but not least, I bought two more of those snug half-shirts too, in blue and purple, and two pairs of knee-highs.
There's this bathing suit I saw and liked, but I didn't feel like spending another $25 and that's what it costs, but I should've cuz I'll make more than that back tonight. It's bright green with fringes.
I've made out so well as far as clothes in the last two days.
Today, thank God, and thanks to Nervous, who carried everything up and down the stairs, I got all my laundry and even my blue satin comforter and brown blankets done.
The only thing that sucks about winter is that I won't be able to wear all my nice summer clothes. No beach either. Winter's a pain in the ass with sweatshirts, long pants, coats, gloves, hats and boots. Maybe I do prefer summer in some ways, but I still feel better in the winter.
7/2/1989 Sun. 7:41 AM
I had an excellent night at work. I made a little over $50 and felt so confident and at ease. I did it!!! I am definitely gonna keep this job. I owe so much to Andy, though. If it weren't for him, not only would I not play the piano like I do now, but I'd still be so lost with no one, no job, no confidence. He says he's really proud of me and that he knew I wasn't a weakling.
Jayke and Scott were so happy I didn't quit and that I stuck it out and the managers are really proud of me, too. Also, last night both Robin and Libby treated me like gold and were such sweethearts. Pattie and Bonnie were off last night. So night shift is just me, Andy, Bonnie, Pattie, Libby, Robin, Jayke, Rich, Scott and Glen. It's an excellent crew. Sometimes when things get hectic, people get bitchy, but basically, everyone gets along and helps each other when needed.
I'm working the next 3 nights and deducting my rent and bills, I have about $500 and it's only the beginning of the month! It totally blows my mind!
I'm definitely gonna buy a new guitar and a VCR someday soon, and go back and get that suit and possibly more clothes. Other than that, I'm gonna save most of it and let it build up.
I feel so bad for Andy, though. He doesn't make shit cuz he's a guy, though he does a damn good job.
7/3/1989 Mon. 10:53 AM
Andy and I just finished talking and making some calls and crossing people. We were well due for some fun. We haven't made any calls in over a month or so.
Last night was pretty hectic for a while at work. It was pretty busy from the time we went in till almost 3:30 cuz of the July 4th holiday weekend.
Maria was in again for the second time with her so-called boyfriend. I walked up to her and asked if she'd been to the Frontier lately and she said no, then asked me if I'd been there. I told her no cuz there are nothing but jerks there. Her. Then while her boyfriend said nothing, I bitched her out about never returning my barrette, telling her it had been a gift from my aunt. So then she asked me if I was having a bad day, and not to bug her about a barrette. Then she asked if she could talk to the manager. I told her that what goes around comes around, then I walked off.
So after that, Andy went up to her pretending not to know what happened and asked her what was wrong. She was literally in tears crying and she said, "It's Jodi. I've got to get out of here before I smack her!"
Andy was really proud of me for standing up to the head player, and we were laughing so hard about it. Maria's such an idiot.
It pisses me off that I'm still awake! I started to fall asleep till Jim called telling me he had my money after I called there and threatened him through his secretary. I told him to slip it into my mailbox. He said he would tonight.
Nervous deposited $398 in the bank for me earlier. My balance is $1042 but with all my bills deducted it's only about $675. I just paid for the gas and electricity.
Well, I'm gonna finish my coffee then try hard as hell to sleep and even harder to get up later. I wish I didn't have to work tonight but it's only one more night, not two like I thought. I called and checked. Nervous might come in tonight at around 1:00. If not tonight, then he said he would another time. He better not step out of line, though, and be all nerved up or I'll kick him out for damn sure.
7/4/1989 Tues. 5:12 PM
I'm so fucking pissed! I'm gonna kill Jim! My money was never left in my mailbox and I just left a message on his machine. The longer he takes, the more messages he'll get. And they won’t be nice!
Andy and I spoke earlier and he said he was going to Mary's cuz she's sick and wants to make her dinner. She came into Denny's two nights ago. She’s as beautiful as he always told me she was.
Nervous just left a little while ago after I sang for him. I've been singing all day and am very happy to say it was pretty damn decent for a change. I just wish I didn't smoke or was short of breath.
I just finished eating some fettuccini noodles.
I'll be hearing firecrackers going off all night, but as far as I know, the city of Springfield is not having the firecrackers cuz of the budget cuts.
Bruce was supposed to come over today, but never did and there's no answer at his place. I knew this would happen and I'm not the least bit surprised. He's so much like Al.
Also, Mark was supposed to come up with his daughter but never did.
It seems no one's home. Jessie doesn't answer. Emily's not home either, but I left a message on her machine. Stuart’s in his usual bad mood.
Speaking of Mark, he just called and is on his way up.
7/5/1989 Wed. 1 AM
Mark was here for about two hours and we had an excellent talk. He and I think a lot alike and we seem to share the same opinion on men, sex and life in general. It pleases me to have met another fairly decent guy. Especially one who's my neighbor. He's the type a woman feels safe having around unlike Jai who's defenseless and rather wimpy.
Speaking of Jai, well, he and Jenny called tonight. I may go down to Charlottesville, Virginia where Jenny’s living for a few days by train, then come back up here with them.
I feel so stuffed up it isn't funny. Even Mark and Nervous feel it, too.
I called Bruce around midnight and we chatted for about 10 minutes or so. He said after I called him he fell asleep till 4:00. Maybe tomorrow he'll come over, he says, after work.
I really want to buy a new guitar and real soon, too. It'll inspire me to play more too, one that's easier, I mean. A nylon-strung one, rather than steel-strung.
I wonder if it's busy now at work. Andy's there now. I called Crosby earlier this afternoon to see if he needed help tonight and he said no, there were 3 people on.
I wonder if Maria will dare show up again. I highly doubt it.
This morning I got a prank call and I know it was either connected to her or the waterbed guy. A guy claiming to be Ed said he wanted to “cum right in my mouth."
I said "thank you," and hung up. It was definitely either related to Maria or the guy who delivered my waterbed for sure. I'm not that stupid, cuz when a guy, no matter how professional he is, gets a girl's number who's gay, you know the first thing that's on their mind is sex. I figured this would happen, but I can deal with it just fine and I kind of doubt it was connected to Maria. You never know, but I do doubt it.
7/6/1989 Thurs. 12:45 PM
Well, I just got back from court and I have to go back again in Oct. It looks like this case will also get dismissed. There was this lawyer there that I've seen many times before who’s hideously ugly. I could tell he liked me by the way he helped me get my M&M's out of the vending machine after they got stuck. He bought me more when he couldn’t get them out.
My lawyer's quite ugly too, but seems nice. I dressed really well today in my new purple outfit and I know I looked good. Better than most women. Everybody stared at me.
When I got off the bus here, I spoke with Mark who was working on his car. I guess the idiot below me smashed his windshield. Mark and his brother want to kill him.
I wish they would.
Last night I had a spaghetti dinner at Mark's and met his brother Tom and his wife Holly. They're so nice and fun to be with. We laughed like crazy, exchanging jokes. We kept ringing the idiot's doorbell, too. We tried to call but his line was busy. Today, after Tom and a friend of his painted all the porches, they threw off a tire that the prick had on his porch.
I really like Mark a lot. We have great talks like we did last night and we think a lot alike and he's not the typical male, but I'm just not attracted to men. I need a woman yet I know I could never get involved with a man or a woman. I'm too hooked on fantasy, used to being alone, and will not be hurt again.
7/7/1989 Fri. 2:10 PM
We made it to the beach. Thank fucking God! We're staying at the Howard Johnson's instead so we have a bathroom and a shower.
I'm just gonna make this real brief then go to bed. Believe it or not, Andy's gone to bed. The sun totally drained us. But it's so good to feel so relaxed and happy. At the beach, I saw Tammy, Bill and the kids, and I can't believe for the life of me how much Becky's grown. She walks just fine now and her hair's long, too.
I'm definitely darker, but I hope to get much more color tomorrow.
Checkout time is 11 AM.
7/10/1989 Mon. 7:43 PM
Our stay at the hotel was fun and the funniest thing happened. Well, Andy and I couldn't sleep so, assuming that a call outside the hotel would cost us, we harassed people in other rooms at the hotel and got caught. The phone rang and it was the guy at the front desk. We pretended we were sleeping and he apologized saying there must be some mistake.
Then before we left, we wrote this wacky, senseless letter to Cheryl, the housekeeper, mixing lyrics and whatever else came to mind.
Sure enough, though, as we were checking out, we found out there was no charge on local calls, after all. We could've harassed the whole town of Old Lyme.
So, the next day at the beach, we met up with Betty Ann L and her mother. I remember them from when I was a kid. They don't go to the beach regularly anymore. We also found out that Betty Ann, who’s beautiful, had a younger sister who died of a drug overdose at age 21.
7/12/1989 Wed. 7:57 AM
Work was excellent last night and a lot of fun, although last night it was one hell of a fucking bitch and I was threatening to quit. It's better than being home miserable all the time, though, and the money is great which I desperately need. Last night I made good money considering the fact that it was deader than dead. Made $63, but stole one check, so it would've been about $45 or so, but that's still quite decent. I had the most customers. I like sections 4-5 the best cuz it has the least and the easiest side work. Everyone hates section 3 with the salad bar. Andy and I are usually on alone from 4-6 cuz Bonnie and Suzanne are married with kids so they leave at 4:00. I haven't seen Patty in a while. I think she's on vacation. Robin might have quit, but I hear Libby definitely quit. She couldn't handle it. God! I thought I was a wimp!
We got this new cook named Guy who's pretty nice, so with him, Roger, Scott and Glen it's a pretty damn good crew. Everyone has a great sense of humor, although Jayke sure can be a hell of a bitch, but she is damn good as a cook. She can get 10 orders up quicker than you can blink an eye. When she's not cooking, though, or everything's going her way, she's a lot of fun and super nice.
Sometimes I'll write about our regular customers but now I've got to go listen to music, finish my coffee, then go to bed.
7/14/1989 Fri. 1:15 PM
Well, here we are on our way to the beach, but it is fucking pouring now. It was coming down so hard we could barely see.
Andy said to tell this book that we are now passing through Fartford.
It is still pouring.
7/20/1989 Thurs. 2:50 AM
Well, I have been basically in a fairly good mood for the last 3 days, since I've been taking my meds every other day. I'd rather have a few twitches here and there than be a spastic bundle of nerves.
Last night I had a great time at work and made $44 without stealing.
The funniest thing happened to Andy and me tonight. We both got laid. But of course, I couldn't help but get the opposite sex with my shit luck. It was with Mark.
Andy got this guy he knew from the last time he worked at Denny's who's married with kids but in the closet. He had this guy two years ago, too.
And with me, of course I can't get a woman and always have to settle for a guy or second best. Me and Mark screwed around. All he did was lick me off cuz he was so huge that there was no way I could take him inside, and also no way I was gonna put my mouth on that thing. He never came, though. That was good too, so there'd be no white sticky shit all over.
I called the dating service with the intention of bitching them out, getting a refund, or taking them to court, but this sexy woman with an English accent came right out and bluntly told me Pam, the bitch who interviewed me, was fired for deliberately mismatching people with the opposite of what they wanted. I didn’t know she did this.
Anyway, I had a pleasant talk with the woman, whose name is Janet, and on behalf of Pam fucking things up, they're gonna send 3 more people free of charge. I'm still hesitant, and my belief still remains the same; that it wasn't meant to be and that God wants me to have sex with only unattractive people, but if I get just a friend out of this, then fine, even if it’s a lot to pay for a friend.
7/26/1989 Wed. 10:47 AM
I’ve been busting my ass since work last night. I made almost $60 last night. We worked till 7:00, but we thought we only had to work till the usual 6:00.
I haven't gone to bed yet. I watched an interview with Gloria's on Good Morning America and her hair looked awful. I wish she'd leave her hair black rather than lighten it the way she does.
So, I also cleaned up around here and am doing some laundry which is now in the dryer. Can't wait to have to carry it up here. All 60 stairs!
Tomorrow Andy's gonna stop at Saratoga drug so I can get my food stamps on the way to the beach. We're going with Juliet, a good friend of Andy's that he went to school with. I met her last fall when we all went to the Frontier. Juliet broke up with her boyfriend and is now looking to date women. I like her a lot and she's somewhat pretty, but she needs to style her hair a bit, wear makeup and nicer clothes. Her clothes are so dark and dreary. She just wears jeans or corduroys and sweatshirts. Andy says she never shaves and very seldom showers. How gross. Not everyone's into cleanliness, I guess.
Later I'm gonna have Nervous pick me up another journal and some coffee cuz I'm not going grocery shopping until Saturday. At least the laundry will be done, though, and my geek uniform.
I'm gonna call Janet at the dating service to see what's going on.
Next time I make a deposit at the bank, I'm gonna get stamps if they still sell them. Shopper's sells them. I haven't been in there in a long time. Next time I get a prescription I'll have to visit Monte and everyone.
I'm borrowing Steve's guitar and it is awesome! Everything is so easy to play on this thing, including bar chords. It's a $400 guitar. I'm gonna buy myself one for sure, and a VCR, too!
I hope my clothes are all dry. They should be. I'll get them in 20 minutes, shower, then go to bed.
I fell asleep shortly after noon and got up at 8:00 to watch Unsolved Mysteries.
Right now I'm a little bored so I'm gonna learn the song Rooms On Fire by Stevie Nicks and try to compose it for Andy. He gave me the cassette single. It's a time-consuming bitch, but I am in the mood with really nothing better to do so I'm gonna go take advantage of it.
7/27/1989 Fri. 2:44 AM
This is the day I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat in 1981. It’s been 8 years since that rather traumatic day. It still seems my past is something so embarrassing and humiliating that I’ll always have to live with and run around trying to cover up and hide from everyone all my life. On the other hand, I’ve become very proud of my background cuz I’ve come such a long way and have developed so many different skills and talents. Not too many people make it out on their own for 4 years after going through what I’ve gone through and being where I’ve been. Brattleboro and Valleyhead were like Alcatraz. You go there and you either come out dead or alive and if you’re alive, you’d better hope you’re sane!
Well, I just finished playing the piano, and believe it or not, I could play Can’t Stay Away from You, but my timing was way off, as usual. As far as the Canciones de mi Padre book, I got absolutely nowhere. I tried Por un Amor and La Ciggarra only to fuck up left and right. I did start composing Rooms on Fire, but first I want Andy to write me the lyrics. As far as sheet music is concerned, well, it’s much easier if I just compose and write the music myself on piano staff paper by ear. Obviously, this is why God and nana and pa gave me the gift of perfect pitch, so I’ll use it. As far as other songs I need to compose, well, there’s My Time Has Come, Carry Me Away and the last two songs I recently wrote which are On and On and Dreaming and Believing.
When I was jamming with Jeanie in #15, she played and sang me a song she wrote, and it was beautiful. She says she’ll give me a demo of it so I can sing it and play it on la guitarra.
I still need to learn the rest of Gloria’s tape and the Judds, too. Cuts Both Ways and River of Time.
I was teasing Nerve earlier over the phone. Andy was so right when he said, “What a sucker to take all that abuse and let you use him.”
Well, he’s got nothing better to do as desperate as he is and males are only good to use, but he’s always paid back.
I polished my nails white earlier and I need to put on the second coat.
Yes, as usual, I am still wide awake. I’m all hyped up about being here with Andy and Juliet. We’re staying at the Suisse Chalet. I still like Howard Johnson’s better with their indoor pool which is always fairly empty, free local phone calls and their restaurant. And here, in order to get to the vending machines, you’ve got to go outside. Ain’t that weird? What about in the winter? And what do the housekeepers do in the winter? There’s no door to a hallway, only outside. They have a huge outdoor pool here which Andy and I went in and it felt great. The ride down here was unbearably hot.
After we swam Andy and Juliet decided to go to the beach, but I just wanted to hang back. Especially after being up since 8:00 last night.
We’re gonna go eat dinner and all go to the beach later. I want to see Tammy and the kids. I already made the first call to Nervous. I’m just listening to Gloria’s new tape, but God knows I’ll sleep like a rock tonight. I’m just too hyped up right now.
7/28/1989 Sat. 1:05 AM
We just had an awesome time at the beach. Andy said for me and Juliet, who also writes in a journal, to say hi to this book. So, as I started to say, we went to the beach at 9:00 and saw Tammy and Bill, but Becky and Lisa were asleep. Tammy needs to borrow a couple of hundred dollars. If I do lend it to her, I hope she can return it as soon as possible. I’m not rich yet. I still want to buy a guitar and a VCR, too.
It was pitch dark, and me, Andy and Juliet sat on the flat rocks and our rocks and the breeze was just beautiful, then it started to thunder and lightning and it lit up the whole ocean so you could see Long Island Sound. The most awesome thing about it all was that I sang one song after another, and I did great.
Another great day today and some great color I got, too! I saw my nieces and Tammy, who’s mailing me a thick 25" gold chain which costs $100 that she sold me for $50.
Last night, after I wrote, we called Nervous and just kept him hanging on the line forever. There were 3 different calls we made which will be for almost two hours total. Me and Andy would tell him to hang on and that we’d be right back, then we’d leave him hanging for 5-10 minutes. It was hilarious. I listened to about 7 songs on the box while he waited.
Is that a sucker or is that a sucker?
I called Fran who got in touch with me a few days ago and gave me his new number, and this woman named Bobbie whom he’s friends with. Bobbie and I talked for quite a while. She’s bi and has been married 4 times, and has basically given up on men. She says she’s been with 4 women, and just like the typical pattern of what’s in the cards for me, she wants to meet me. I mean, I can tell just by just talking to her that she’s typical of what I get. She’s on SSI cuz she’s afraid to leave her house. She can’t take the bus by herself. She’s on medication for nerves and just doesn’t sound too stable. Now is that typical of what I get, or what? Plus, she’s 48 years old and my height! Can’t I get someone taller and more stable? She says she’s feminine, hates butches too, and also can’t understand why women who hate men want to look like them. She’s Lebanese, feminine, has eyes like Gloria’s, wears makeup, skirts, and high heels, but has very, very short hair. I hate short hair, but she says she looks good in it cuz she has a small face. There have been some shorthaired women who were attractive, but overall I prefer long hair. I’ll meet her and possibly be her friend, but that’s as far as it’s gonna go. Plus, she’s probably not as feminine as she says she is.
7/30/1989 Sun. 5 AM
I slept for almost 16 hours as I was exhausted and just spoke to Andy at work.
I really ought to study my Spanish. I could be great in only a few more months of study.
Jessie and I were gonna go shopping today, but her sister Melissa borrowed her car and never brought it back so we're gonna try to go tomorrow.
It's now 5:00, and I've had only 5 cigarettes since 8:00 which is excellent, but I really shouldn't be smoking at all. Nervous is on his way over with a pack of smokes nonetheless. After he leaves I'm gonna go listen to music and just wait for Andy to call me back.