Where Pelicans Fly
April - May 1989
4/7/1989 Fri. 3:22 AM
I realize I haven't written for a while, and there is a lot to tell and catch up on, too.
Last Saturday night, Linda came over and she and I did some laundry. Then she fell asleep and like a fool, I went downstairs where Gracie used to live to meet whoever lives there, and it was this guy who was totally drunk. There was a girl too, but she said she didn't live there and was only visiting. She told me to come in and have a drink, but I said I didn't drink and that I had a cup of coffee upstairs, and she said to bring that down, but I wasn’t interested. Especially since I could see right away that this guy was looking at me with you-know-what on his mind. So I went upstairs and about an hour later, he pounds the hell out of the door, and cuz I was dressed inappropriately, I slouched down against the door and he goes, "My God." He no doubt thought I was awfully short.
Then he said I sounded kind of grouchy and I told him he woke me and my girlfriend up. Then he says, "Oh, I just wanted to know if you needed anything." I said no, and left him standing there totally wasted, and then on and off from midnight till almost 4:00, he pounded the hell out of the walls till I called the police and the landlord, which was definitely the right thing to do, cuz I haven't heard from him. The whole building heard his racket.
Last Tuesday, I cleaned Russ's house, and then that night dad called and was talking unusually carefree and I couldn't hear mom in the background. He says, "I'll pick you up tomorrow."
I said, "Yeah, sure," and he said he was home. At first I didn't believe him and said I'd call him back, but sure enough, he flew in to see Tammy and the kids and take care of business at the store.
He's coming up to see my place tomorrow, and he bought me the Judds' new tape and new batteries for my little piano. I was there at the house with him all day Wednesday and we had a great time. We joked a lot and he teased me as usual.
I played the keyboard for him and shocked the shit out of him. I also showed him how good my pitch is and how I can tell notes just by hearing them. He figured all I could really do was pick with one finger, no left hand, and play only one or two songs. I definitely shocked him.
When I sang for him he could see the improvement despite my nasal sound. He also agrees with my theories about nana and pa’s spirits guiding me, and feels I have what it takes to make it and should go to music school. I need to clear up my allergies first, though, and today I'm definitely going to call Dr. Walker. I'm gonna call the college, too.
I called ma today and she was unusually friendly. I rambled on and on about my singing and piano playing, and can you believe she listened? I know it's cuz dad said something. I just wish I wasn't so stuffed up cuz I know I have the potential to be a 9 or 10 instead of a 7 or 8, but I know I'll get lucky and make it someday when I least expect it.
Andy says he'll let me make a demo of my singing on his 4-track, but I want to clear up my allergies and improve first and he said, "You already have improved."
When we first got together he didn't feel I had much of a voice. All I could do until a year ago was sing on key, but it really wasn't a voice. He doesn't like Gloria’s voice for the same reason I don't. Cuz it's a voice that's just there. It's nothing special and there's nothing to it. There’s no vibrato and it's not strong sounding. I love her songs and her looks, though.
Then Andy said something that really touched my heart. He said, "Remember how I said I'd never be in the same band with you? Well, I have a feeling that very soon I'll be playing the keyboard with you as the lead singer."
That just made me feel so good. Plus, we should make it together cuz we need and trust each other so well. I'd feel safe with him, and he'd know how to handle almost any situation good or bad.
We discussed him taking me to a woman's gay bar maybe this weekend. I'm skeptical, but I'll go just to get out.
I just called Linda. She says that maybe later she'll stop by for some tea.
I wonder when Jessie is gonna come over. She was really pissed at me saying, "When are you gonna be home for more than 5 minutes and have time for having anyone else over?" I told her yesterday she could come over, but she didn't. I hope this weekend she can. She never saw Oswego St. either, and she agrees it's about time we see each other more. I mean, we are good friends after all.
I can't wait to get together with Andy too, and I especially can't wait to go to the beach. This is my last year being white as a ghost.
I learned that I could have a kid by artificial insemination. Without being married or rich. It's an elective thing and the sperm is donated by someone out of state which is great cuz I'll never have to see the guy or worry about him trying to get the kid or bother me. I'll never ever go to bed with a guy again or be one's friend either. Of course I'm gonna wait a while, get a decent job and save up money.
Jessie says to make sure I have someone to help me. Yeah, right. There's no such thing as me falling in love with someone attractive and decent that’d have me. Only ugly jerks are available to me, but I want to raise a kid myself, rather than get involved with someone, then break up with them and have them try to hurt or take away the kid out of revenge. The only thing that worries me is my family. Would they have DYS on my ass and check up on me all the time? If my mom pulled any shit like that, I swear I will disown her.
Earlier today I was at the house loading up the van with dad for almost two hours.
Jessie may be over later. I doubt Linda will be.
4/11/1989 Tues. 3:50 AM
Not much has happened since I last wrote. Linda was over yesterday briefly, and I spoke with Andy, Jessie and Tammy.
Jessie was here Saturday night for a while, and like a jerk, I let Al come over while she was here and he totally ruined my night. He is such a cruel nasty loser. After they went home, I had an excellent talk with Jai next door. He is so nice. If I was straight he'd be great for me. We had a good talk tonight, too.
I invited Nervous over, which I do once in a lifetime, and he brought me some milk and a candy bar and helped me balance my checkbook. Hopefully, before the month is out I'll have some extra money cleaning houses for this guy Jim P. He's getting customers pretty fast. I spoke with him today about it.
I can't wait till I get extra money cuz I want to go clothes shopping so bad. I want to get some really nice fashions.
I decided to do my outgoing message on my answering machine with me singing and playing the keyboard for a couple of seconds.
Earlier at 2:00, I called Dr. Walker but they were all out to lunch, then fell asleep and woke up too late to call again. Tomorrow for sure.
4/12/1989 Wed. 10:08 PM
I am really pissed cuz for the third time in a row I missed Unsolved Mysteries, but they're all repeats anyway.
A little while ago I went to McDonald's with Andy, who's probably out grocery shopping now and will be calling me back later. We're still ranking on people with funny names.
This Friday, I have to see Dr. Moshiri, but after that Andy and I may go to the beach.
Earlier today, Tammy (my sister) called to say she’s going to Florida and that if there's any shit with mom, she'll pack up and leave. I told her Jessie's surprised we haven't disowned mom and dad and she said she wouldn't hesitate to if need be, just like they disowned Bill's parents. His mother is a real bitch, I guess. Sometime soon I'm gonna go down to see her with Jessie.
I called mom today and she didn't get pissed. She's been so nice ever since dad was here.
Nervous brought over a guitar he found which looked pretty useless to me. The neck was all smashed.
I put together a fairly decent song on the guitar in no time, even though it's not quite finished yet. I just played and sang what I heard in my head and it really is quite nice. I'm gonna go try and finish it.
4/15/1989 Sat. 3:14 AM
I was quite amazed again shortly after the last time I wrote. I was not only able to play on the piano the notes I was singing to the song I wrote, but also the chords and the left hand. I never knew I could do that.
I overslept today and was worried sick about missing my appointment with Dr. Moshiri, but thanks to Andy, I got there. He drove me home too, but first, he stopped at Newsstand to buy Billboard magazine.
Later on, after I came home, even though I was dead tired, Jessie and I went to Bradlee's where I got this sexy teddy and then to Heartland's Food Warehouse. I used quite a few coupons and didn't get too much so I was surprised the bill came to $55.
Jai and I spent quite some time together. We had some very interesting talks and he taught me how to play the one song he knows on the piano, Let It Be.
I like him very much and I know he likes me, but he has a girlfriend and I'm not attracted to men. He's not ugly, but cuz I can't have what I want, I'd rather stay alone than settle. I'm coming to realize that I don't want to give up my space and privacy by getting committed. Especially when I can't have what I want to make it really worth it.
Andy was out all night with his friend Mary. He answered at 3:00 and said he couldn't talk but would call me back in half an hour. Mary was probably right there in the room. She’s as opposed to our friendship as his folks are.
4/17/1989 Mon. 5 PM
I had such a fantastic day. I am sitting right now out on the back porch where the sun's warm and the breeze is gorgeous.
Jai and I talked for hours. It also occurred to me that I knew his brother Leo from school in Longmeadow.
Linda was over earlier and we sat out on the balcony wall.
Today I was up all day and very productive. Therefore, I feel much better. I cleaned all my windows, vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor and a few other things too, such as sweeping the porch or balcony or whatever it’s called.
Jai took his bike to a bike shop for some spokes for a bike wheel. He builds bikes. He left his door open saying he felt rude shutting his door on me. I really, really like him so much. He's easy and fun to talk with and be with.
You didn't dare leave home and leave your door open on Oswego St. It's so safe and private here.
Early this morning I walked to Shopper's drug and it was so beautiful with trees and flowers, rather than graffiti, broken glass and Puerto Ricans gathered all over doing drugs and giving me the eye. Although, males will give you the eye anywhere, white or not.
4/24/1989 Mon. 11 PM
I had started to write yesterday, but the phone had rung. I was pissed that day.
I was today too, cuz I had gone without my meds since last Friday, but I took them late this afternoon. Next time I want to try to go longer.
Tomorrow I think I'm gonna go down to Urgent Care cuz I have a yeast infection and a urinary tract infection. Wish I could figure out why the hell I keep getting them all the time.
Also, I need to go to the bank to report my new address and to Saratoga drug for food stamps.
I wish to hell I had money to go clothes shopping.
Two nights ago I got a hell of a surprise from Nervous. He called, and right away I could tell something was up and he goes, "My building's on fire."
It took a minute to register, then when it did I thought - Sasha! She’s ok, though, and is here with me now. Nervo, I guess, was out on the streets all weekend and probably still is cuz the building has probably got to be either rebuilt or heavily repaired, and that'll take time. I guess from what he says it was a really bad fire started by kids.
4/28/1989 Fri. 2:32 AM
Earlier tonight I finally got to see where Linda lives. She brought me over to her house. It's pretty nice. She has nice furniture and a really nice stereo and she's neater than I thought she'd be.
Jai and I continue to spend quite a bit of time together. I dressed up a little for him and he liked it. He fixed my gold-flowered bracelet and said, "I'm glad I fixed that. I like that on you." I put on earrings too, and did my nails which are fairly long now.
I wonder where Nervous is? I doubt the building's livable yet, so he’s probably on the streets.
5/8/1989 Mon. 2:29 AM
Not much has happened since I last wrote. I busted my ass cleaning a huge house in Chicopee last Friday and proved to Jim that I’m worth way more than $6 an hour. I know I'll get a raise from him soon. He's already hinted at it.
Jim and I had a long talk, too. He seems really nice and is qualified to be a therapist, so I found out. He says I'll be ok in his brother's band, but I don't know. We'll see.
Jai was away this weekend and he just got back a few hours ago wicked tired and we almost fucked. What stopped us was his girlfriend. I don't want to get involved with anyone unless they can devote themselves to me only. I know he's attracted to me and I really like him a lot, but I'd still rather have a woman. Since I can't, I'd rather stay alone.
Another thing that terrifies me is if we ever did get involved (if he gave up Jenny) and if he turned psycho or if something went terribly wrong, then I have to live next to the guy.
Bruce called me today pressuring me to get a girlfriend once in for all. Yeah, sure. I explained why I can't get one. Not one I would want, anyway.
Jai’s the first decent person I've ever gotten.
I have a busy week coming up. Tomorrow I have a condo to clean and grocery shopping to do. Tuesday, Jai and I are going to my allergy doctor. Wednesday, I work again. Thursday, I'm not sure yet what I'm doing. Friday, I see Dr. Moshiri, then Jim's picking me up from there to clean the same house I did last Friday. I'll be doing that house every Friday.
5/15/1989 Mon. 3:43 AM
Today at 9:00, I'm to clean Russ's house, as far as I know. I'll call him to make sure. Whether I clean his house or not, I’m going downtown to the bank to cash Carabetta's security deposit check and to order new checks. Then after, I'll probably do some shopping. I want to buy some jewelry.
Andy just told me it's great therapy for him when I write. We're both just spacing off into our own worlds right now.
I was shocked to see the for-sale sign on the folk’s cottage. I figured they'd be there forever during the summers. Of course, they'd never tell me, but I bet their favorite daughter knows about this.
5/30/1989 Tues. 6:30 PM
I haven't written for so long now and I definitely want to get back with it again. The last time I wrote, I didn't mention ripping off part of the ‘s’ in the 'Who Cares' thing they have on the front of the cottage in black tape. We were seen there that day and right now mom and dad are on their way down and they're going to suspect us for sure, but I know nothing, I’ll tell them.
Sure enough, Tammy knew the place was up for sale, but she says she doesn't know why.
Bullshit. It probably has got something to do with the break-in they had this winter.
I asked mom if they're gonna be in Florida year-round and she said yes, but dad says they'll be back up here, but God knows when.
Jessie's gonna be buying my chairs and couch, which I’m glad to see a friend get, rather than just anyone. After all, it was nana and pa's. I'm psyched to get the newer furniture from the Longmeadow house. It'll look a whole hell of a lot better.
I've been up 25 hours and I'm going to try to crash now, and when I get up I'm gonna write music to some lyrics Andy wrote. He's the writer, I'm the composer.