Where Pelicans Fly
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January - February 1989
1/1/1989 Sun. 4:45 AM
Fran’s here now and he’s sound asleep. We went to the fireworks tonight and we tried to get home in time for the ball to drop but got here too late.
Tuesday, I'm gonna go apply for a job downtown at Steiger's where Emily works.
Emily also said she'd help me pick out a 2-piece bathing suit for Florida saying I'm not too fat for one. Dad also said I'm not too fat for one, but Andy says I am. I guess it depends on the style and cut of the suit, but I do want to lose more weight. I'm still heavy at 96 pounds. Can you believe it? Everyone says I'm not, though, except for Andy.
1/5/1989 Thurs. 3:04 PM
Yesterday I went to bed around 2:00 in the afternoon and didn't get up till 6:30 this morning. Thank God my phone didn't ring, but I sure as hell bolted out of bed at 2:30 in the morning when the big huge picture in my kitchen fell and broke. There was glass everywhere.
Sure enough yesterday, fate was against me when I ran into Nervous on my way out of Saratoga drugstore. I tried to ignore him and told him I was sick which I was but he followed me across the street to the gas station where I got a grinder and he waited all the while staring at me. Then when I left, sure enough, he started to follow me down onto Montpelier and I told him to go home and call me tomorrow and he goes, "ok, I'll call you later today then." Then the obsessed little boy walked past me down Montpelier as I turned to cut through to Oswego St. The desperate bastard walked away shaking like a leaf at the thought of not getting any attention. When is he ever gonna get the hint? Next time I'll kill him. He's constantly begging to be my friend and the fucking male tried to bribe me by saying he hasn't sent in my music book subscription yet, cuz he wants constant attention. I told him he was not my type and why and that if he's that desperate to go find someone else who's just as desperate.
1/6/1989 Fri. 8:03 AM
It was this day last year when I flew back from Florida. Crystal lived here at the time, too. I don't think I'm going to Florida this year until March. That is if I'm not working.
It's been really cold lately at 0º. And we've still got another 4 months or so to go of this cold.
Today I think I'm gonna do my laundry, and sometime next week, I'm gonna go down to the courthouse and try to find out who's putting another complaint against me for phone calls. It's a name I don't recognize for March 3rd, but it's only a hearing so I probably won't even show up.
1/9/1989 Mon. 12:39 PM
I was up early this morning which I've been doing for the last week or so.
I called this woman's clothing store in Bay State West and set up an interview for this Wed. The hours are flexible and it'll work out great if I could work there. It's so easy to get to, too. They're hiring part- and full-time. It would be nice to work full-time with 4 weekdays and also Saturday. To leave one weekday open would be good for therapy and doctor's appointments.
I have an appointment for an intake at Community Care on Jan. 20th at 11:30. Hopefully, I can get a female therapist, who I can see the same day I see the doctor.
Feb. 13th and Mar. 3rd I have to go to court.
The exterminator was just here and I hate to think of having to put everything back in the cabinets.
I'm gonna call the PVTA's break room and attempt to speak to Nissan, but she'll probably cuss me out and hang up on me.
1/23/1989 Mon. 12:55 AM
Well, quite a few things have happened since I last wrote about 14 days ago. I never got the job at the clothing store or the Sheridan Tara and am not gonna waste my time trying to get a hold of Nissan which I can never do. However, I did get hired at Steiger's clothing store! Yes, I did and I'm psyched! Only Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though, from 10:00 - 5:30, and just $4.60 an hour. The pay's not great.
They have beautiful stuff there too, in which I get 20% off. I already bought a necklace as for this job, you must dress up nicely.
Part-time is ok cuz it still leaves me two free weekdays for appointments. They may call me in on my day off if they need extra help.
The day before yesterday, my niece Lisa turned 6. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me she can't wait till she gets older so we can sing together. That was so sweet and it really touched my heart, but I'm wondering if Tammy said anything to her cuz a 6-year-old isn't smart enough to say or remember that I sing. The only time I sang was last Turkey day over at the house in Longmeadow.
And also, here's another thing concerning my singing. Tammy says she doesn't mean to hurt me when she gives me an opinion and she said to me, "I'll give you an example, but I don't mean it. Suppose I say your singing sucks, well it's just my opinion that's not meant to hurt you."
See, I caught that line, "I don't mean it."
Today I got a huge package in the mail from mom and dad. It had so much stuff. Several shorts, shirts, skirts, socks, underpants and 3 2-piece bathing suits and also earrings, bracelets, necklaces, a watch with a spider inside it, a pocketbook, flip-flops for the beach, a beach bag and tanning oil.
It makes me really want to move down to Florida, get a job and a nice apartment in a nice area and tan and swim all the time. I am getting quite sick of being white as a ghost anyhow.
Tammy hasn't called at all yet today and I realize I didn't write about her last night.
I dialed randomly looking for someone to talk to and got this 19-year-old girl named Tammy on the line, who has a 15-month-old daughter whose father took off when she became pregnant, and I said to Tammy, "If you were smart you'd go with a woman cuz males will only screw you up and over."
That's when I expected her to slam the phone down in my face, but instead, she said, "You know, I really thought about that."
So we hit it off really well and spoke for two hours, discovered we had everything in common and that she sang with a band. She played me a tape of her singing and she is truly excellent.
The next day she came over and I thought she was very pretty and also very tall and that she looks a lot like Tiffany.
Like a fool, I even let her borrow my hairpiece.
Then she seemed to want to talk less and less, always saying she'd come over, but never showing up, so I guess she just isn't my type.
Her mother is a real wacko who treats her like a prisoner. She’s an alcoholic. Andy called her up, calling her all kinds of names.
Well, Tammy didn't like that and called me up saying she was gonna destroy me and kick my ass, then called me and apologized the next day saying she realizes how small I am and that she just blew up cuz of her mother pressuring her and jumping down her throat and that she really loves me and wants to be friends with me.
I told Tammy I'd never live with her cuz of her temper and her family problems and the people she associates with, and I have a feeling that I'll never see her again or my hairpiece.
See what I mean? Assholes are all I ever meet.
1/25/1989 Wed. 4:10 AM
I have really decided for once in for all to quit smoking. I know I've said that before but I'm fucking dying. I can't breathe and thinking of all the money I'd save and how much better I'd sing really encourages me. I'd save so much time too. Time I spend looking for a light or buying lighters and the ciggies. There are plenty of things I could do if I quit such as write, read, watch TV and of course I'll be working soon so it's definitely wise to quit before work. It'll make it easier. I hear I'd be a lot calmer too. The only thing that scares me is getting fat but maybe I won't. I don't want to write any more about it. It's just best to keep it off my mind as much as possible.
I think I'll stay up all day so I can put myself on a normal schedule cuz I start work this Friday. Friday and Saturday I have my training, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have regular work. I need to bring with me the envelope handbook, my license, and social security card. I can't wait. I need a job so badly and also the extra money and something to do.
Today I've got to call Cablevision to cancel my HBO and order Showtime so I can see Gloria's concert. That way Andy won't have to tape it. Also, the Grammys will be on soon. I know Gloria will win something.
This month I can probably finish paying my dating service, although I am scared shitless, so afraid they'll be ugly and not interested in me if they aren't ugly or aren't jerks.
Today I also need to go to Food Mart quite badly. Or somewhere. I've got no food. I hate grocery shopping so much it isn't funny.
Hopefully, I can catch Nervous at the Forest Park Grill when he gets in for his breakfast.
Another thing is that I need new guitar strings. I'll have to have Phil take me.
Mary just had a baby girl and I am so jealous and it kills me to think I'll never have kids cuz I'm gay and have no money, but how do all these other people do it? The last thing I want is a male to have to count on to help me. I don't want to do it with a male but I don't want to do it alone either. Also, my parents would disown me. I'd constantly be tied down with it, too. If I ever get money by singing or whatever then maybe then I could do it, but then I'd have to give up my career for a while and I still don't plan on ever having a woman by my side forever.
I was so lonely and so bored tonight it wasn't funny. Emily says I really ought to try my dating service and give it a chance. I still feel I'll never get anyone with the way I am. Emily says I'm very pretty and that my eyes are very striking. It's my shape, though. I mean, I just look totally ridiculous. My hips are so huge and so are my thighs. I just can't seem to change my shape. I've got such a gut. Will I look like a fool in my new bathing suits? Al said I have a lousy shape and I'm so afraid to let a woman see me. Emily says I look about 80 or 85 pounds, but I think I look 110. I’m really 100, and can you imagine looking hideous at 100? I do, though!
I spoke to Tammy who once again said she was bored and wanted to come visit. She never showed up, as usual, saying her mother wanted her to stay home. But she’s an adult, for Christ’s sake!
She also says she thinks she's pregnant again and is so confused with so many questions without any answers. I told her she's really fucking herself up by living with her mother, getting pregnant too young and being involved with guys. She's not my type, although we do have so much in common. But I'm not gonna be roommates with her cuz of all her problems.
1/29/1989 Sun. 1:49 AM
Earlier today I was depressed. I came down with the flu very early this morning and missed my second day of training, therefore I cannot work next week's schedule which was Mon., Tues., Wed, and Fri. I now have to wait for the next training class which isn't until February 25th cuz the girl who does the training is on vacation. I was there yesterday, though, and it seemed interesting and the people were very friendly, but it'll probably get boring after a while as all cashier jobs do.
But anyhow, I am going to be so fucking bored till the 25th. I'll go nuts. I called and asked Tony, this guy I met who's really nice if he has any work I could do for him where he works. He says not really, but he'll look into it. I've only seen this guy Tony only once in person and he seems like a really nice and mature guy but as usual, I have no attraction for him at all. I could never go to bed with him and I'm afraid of him falling in love with me and I really think that right now he really likes me a lot. What do I do? Well, I asked Andy who said to give him up cuz I'd rather be with a woman and cuz of there was no sexual attraction.
I haven't heard from Tammy today and have a feeling I will never ever see my hairpiece again. The phone did ring, though, at 11:30 or so while I had the headphones on listening to music but by the time I picked up the phone the machine came on and they hung up. It was probably either Tammy or Andy.
2/1/1989 Wed. 1:45 AM
I spoke to Tony on Monday and was about to tell him how I can't be his girlfriend and the reasons why when he told me he's not looking for that and that he was glad we got that out in the open. His basic reason for not wanting me is cuz I don't have a job, and when I told him that I do have a job, he said, "You just got that job."
He's another one who can't accept me for the way I am and it verifies my belief that I'll never have anyone decent cuz I haven't worked in so long. All I'll get is a desperate mental case. Ma says when the right person comes along, I'll know it, and I asked her if she thought I was only good enough for the jerks and not the decent people and she said no, that I could get someone decent. I told her it's not going to be a man. She said that's good. It’s like she's happy about my being gay cuz she knows how men are and doesn't want me getting pregnant.
Andy said that Tony’s excuse about my not working is really stupid and that most guys don't want their girlfriends to work, cuz then they're meeting other guys. They want them to stay home and cook and clean, but that's basically only the assholes.
I'm sending my dating service a check for $80, so in 2 or 3 weeks I should be meeting someone. I'm so skeptical. I doubt any of these women will turn me on like Gloria, whether they're decent or not.
I definitely cannot sit around all month waiting for work so maybe I'll go apply at McDonald's which sucks, but it pays a little more than $5 an hour and has better hours. I really think the first thing I need is that dream girl before I try to make it in music or a better job. Someone who believes in me. I can't do everything alone. I need some support.
I haven't heard from Tammy for two days. Guess I'm gonna have to get my hairpiece myself.
2/2/1989 Thurs. 4 AM
I just got finished spraying a spider with Raid but I should've just killed it with my broom cuz now it stinks in here. Oh well.
Tammy called me today at around 11:30, asking if I'd go with her to her doctor's appointment and if I'd meet her at 2:00 outside the front of the Civic Center. Well, I stood her up cuz of the way she's done it to me and for not returning my hairpiece. Also, I was very tired. She called me at 6:00 wanting to know why I wasn't there. I told her I was sick and tired. She said she waited till 3:30. She told me she was going for her second pregnancy test and that they don't know if she's pregnant or not.
Philip took me to Store 24 at about noontime and I got just a few things cuz of the way I've been feeling. He's supposed to call me this morning around 11:00.
I spoke to Nervous and this morning. I told him Philip was coming to take me to the airport and that I'd be gone to Florida for the rest of the month. I'm so sick of him and even talking on the phone to him cuz he really is a sick person. I usually only talk for two seconds then play my game of the crossed call that comes in and he listens and says all kinds of sick, nasty and hateful stuff. I used to find it funny, but now it’s gotten old.
Earlier this evening I was really depressed and I cried the last two nights in a row cuz I haven't in so long. It takes a lot for me to cry and I usually keep it bottled up inside till it really catches up to me, but I know I must try really hard not to take the Navane unless I absolutely have to. You know, if I get so anxious that I can't breathe. Crying, though, really did make me feel a lot better much quicker. What I need most of all is a woman. Yeah, sure.
On Showtime last weekend Gloria had a concert special taped in Miami. It was the last concert of her tour. It was great and she looked beautiful. She was also on the music awards too, where she won an award. She looked sexy as all hell and Andy taped it for me so I could see it again. As for Gloria's concert, it will be on several more times this month and since I don't have a VCR I'm just gonna tape it on my box.
2/12/1989 Sun. 2:55 AM
Guess who I've been in contact with every day now on the phone? Jessica S! I went to middle school with her. She's got a 9-month-old baby boy now named Wyatt Justin and he's cute. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. I called Jessie's mom in Longmeadow and she told me Jessie lived in Feeding Hills so I got her number through information. And sure enough, the guy she was with took off when she got pregnant and does drugs and just wants sex. She understands me really well, though, and accepts me for the way I am and we've had a lot of nice talks. I even spent the night in her place and she told me it didn't even seem like 10 years had gone by since we last saw each other and we are very close friends. She mentioned getting a place together, but I don't know. I would definitely live with her, though, cuz I've known her so long and we get along so well and she's no thief or druggie.
Tomorrow I've got to go to court. Lucky me. Nervous is going to wake me up. He was over here for the first time in a month and he also has a broken wrist. That's what he gets for walking around at 2:00 in the morning buying a pack of cigarettes. He says a bunch of guys knocked him down.
I forgot to mention that last weekend I was at Tammy's house. It was a very nice house. She still says she likes me and wants to have a relationship with me, but I still hardly ever see her. I spoke to both her and Jessie today.
I want to move so bad it isn't funny. I'm so sick of this place, but who knows when I ever will? I also want a car at times, too.
Believe it or not, I found Jenine M's number (she’s an entertainment agent) in an old pad of phone numbers and I called her and she did say she had tried to reach me after I changed my number and she said she'd call me either Mon. or Tues. I'm afraid to get my hopes up too high but I'm trying not to think negatively either. My voice is ok, of course, but what really brings it down is my stuffy nose and wheezing. I have finally made an appointment with my allergy doctor. I also think I may have somewhat of the flu now too, which is going around. I usually get it once a year at this time.
I'm so psyched about my piano playing. I'm getting better and better every day. I've learned Dr. Beat and Falling in Love and have learned much more of her other songs (Gloria's) and also, I'm gonna work on some of Linda's. I've learned some of the song Just One Look. I'd say it's my timing that's the hardest thing to conquer what with both the left and right hands together. Tomorrow I'm going to work on the song You Made a Fool of Me which I already have a basic idea of now.
All the songs Andy taught me are like a piece of cake now. I love to play Talk to Me most of all.
2/13/1989 Mon. 1:23 PM
Sure enough, my case was dismissed. The pig never showed up. I asked my lawyer why, and he said cuz he'd make a complete fool out of himself. The law is that you have to prove one guilty even if they admit they’re guilty. When I told my lawyer I was arrested he was shocked and he agreed that just cuz they're cops and they wear that badge they think they can do anything. Whether I pleaded guilty or not, he still can't prove it was me.
I spoke with both Jessie and Stuart today, but not yet with Tammy. She'll probably call me later. She probably tried to get me last night but I took my phone off the hook so I could go to bed early. Andy probably tried to get me last night, too. It's Monday, so ma's gonna be calling tonight.
When Nervous calls later tonight I'm gonna ask him if he'll rent a car and bring me back the aquarium I gave him, so I can have him take me to Brightwood in Longmeadow so I can get a pig. I miss having one. The only bitch is buying them food all the time and changing their cage, but it's worth it. I need the company of a pet.
Today I feel pretty good for a change. Since I turned the heat lower I feel much better and less feverish. I'm gonna write and really practice my piano. My guitar is in the shop cuz it needed new strings and I'm pissed at Phil. He'll never bring it back today and it's been ready since Saturday. I'm dying to play.
2/17/1989 Fri. 10 PM
I finally got my guitar back, thank God. I got it on Andy's birthday and rode with him in his new car. I bought Linda's Mad Love music book and also a guinea pig, but I returned the pig. I just don't want the hassles of changing the cage or buying bails of sawdust or the pellets anymore. Instead, I had Nervous, who's acting really sick and always stinks and has this horrible body odor, bring Sasha back. I realize my allergies will be killing me but I love this cat to death and missed her terribly. I can't live with no animals at all.
I saw Dr. Moshiri today at Osborne. He said I seemed much better and that all I've gone through has really had an impact on me but that I have amazing strength. He also agreed with me that one never forgets the past, though everyone keeps telling me to forget it. I wish I could!
I have taken half of a Deseril pill for 4 nights now and he says for me to continue that for a week or two and then take a whole one and at that point to stop the Navane.
Tammy called early this morning saying she was fed up with her mother and was leaving and we discussed her coming here but I haven't heard from her since and she was supposed to call me early this afternoon. Tammy's not the right person for me, though. She's got too many problems and a lousy temper.
2/22/1989 Thurs. 9:30 PM
Well, right now I'm a little depressed and lonely but I'm finally starting to get used to it and accept being alone. It's always better than settling for second best.
I'm cooking some chicken rice right now, hoping Linda the cab driver calls.
I went out earlier to the Holyoke mall with Jessie. There, I bought both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson's cassette singles.
Surprisingly enough, but then again I guess it's no real surprise, I haven't heard from Tammy all day yesterday or today. She's no doubt out with Will, says Jessie.
Ma called saying she bought me this beautiful dress and it's a size 6! What is she, crazy? She doesn't realize how much weight I've lost. She hasn't seen me in a while. She says it's a loose-knit dress with no zippers or buttons. She's gonna mail it to me.
There's this guy, Bruce Y, who I ran into downtown. I’ve run into him a few times. He’s going to Holyoke Community College for the two-year music program for an associate degree in music, which I'm also thinking of doing. He's nice and he's not ugly either, but he's so dull and wimpy, and of course, he turns me on in no way shape or form. Even Jessie spoke to him using my 3-way calling and she agreed.
Bruce says he thinks I'm very attractive and sensitive and seems so amazingly respectful, saying I shouldn't be with a guy if I'm not happy and would rather be with a woman. He says don't do anything I don't want to do that doesn't feel right.
I was hoping Linda would call cuz I really do like her even though she's no beauty, and I could really use a chat with her. She really understands being gay too. I wish she'd give me her phone number.
I called Pamela at my dating service and told her our mailboxes are broken and she said she'd give me a call before she mails out anything. I'm still so skeptical about it all, though. I still fear that my type of woman isn’t meant to be.
2/23/1989 Fri. 12:12 AM
I am still wide awake and feeling pretty lousy. Earlier I got the urge to make my face up so I did. I took off my lipstick and blush but I still have my eyes all made up.
Linda never called. I wonder if she's sick or something came up. I also wonder why I haven't heard from Tammy in two days. I know it's either shit from her mother, or she's out with Will. Also, I haven't spoken with Andy in two days. The only one I speak to every day is Jessie. We love to talk on the phone.
Well, I had a long talk with Nervous's mother about him calling me and hanging up or just not saying anything and his spying. She says take him to court if I have to. I now have absolutely no desire to see or talk to this sicko. It's just gotten way out of hand to the point of no return and you just never know what a sicko like him is gonna do or what's on his mind. Some friendship it's been, huh?
I'm supposed to go to CC tomorrow for my intake, but they may be closed cuz we're supposed to get a huge snowstorm.
This Saturday I'm supposed to return to Steiger's, but I've got to think about it. Do I really want to?
2/28/1989 Tues. 11:25 PM
I just finished watching a scary movie and I'm now just about ready to drop off. I'm pretty zonked.
This afternoon I saw my allergy doctor and he gave me two inhalers for my asthma and one for my nose.