Where Pelicans Fly
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12/2/1988 Fri. 9:23 AM
I was up all night and I believe I will be up today too, to reverse my schedule.
Andy was here last night and he answered my questions about my music. I knew what I was doing all along but wanted to be sure. I'm improving by the hour it seems. I played all night. Just think how well I'll play in a year! How about when I'm 30? I feel bad for Gloria who's just learning from scratch. She's never known how to read music and has never known any other instrument before either. I played some really good intense guitar playing for Andy and he really loved it. He loves my lyrics too. He also says that the more he hears me sing, the more he likes my voice and realizes I can really sing.
Speaking of lyrics, I wrote a song tonight for the first time in ages. I really should write more. It will be awfully hard for me to put music to these new lyrics on my guitar, though, cuz my nails are getting so long. I'll be damned if I'll cut them, though. I want to see how long they'll grow this time without cutting them. I'm curious. Since I cut off all the nails before that were thin, soft and brittle from buffing, they've really been growing back very fast and hard, too.
I don't think I'm going anywhere this weekend, but I still have to get gifts. What I'm gonna get, I have no idea.
I spoke to mom last night who says she's sending me a package by UPS. I know it'll never be a portable piano. Probably clothes. Or something decorative.
I also have to pay my rent and see if the albums I ordered came in. I have laundry to do and mail to mail.
Nervous never called last night but he'll call tonight to see if I need a ride to Salem which he'll be devastated to see I don't. I can guarantee anyone it'll be his first question if I never bring it up. He'll be so sad I won't need a ride while I jump for joy.
12/4/1988 Sun. 1:53 AM
Well, I am finally 23 years old. I wish I looked a day over 16. I probably won't look 23 till I'm about 35. Ma says she thinks I'm starting to look older, but I still don't think so. It's not just cuz I'm short and thin, it's my baby face and huge eyes.
Tammy never called, but like I said it worked out for the better.
Nervous's car did break down as I had feared and I would've been paranoid about that and of course I can't stand his driving or his mouth.
I would've had to pay $38 for a round-trip bus ticket to New London! That's outrageous.
Aunt Ruth can't take me for my written exam next Saturday cuz she's going to Connecticut to see some people she used to camp with. Philip's in Mexico and I know Andy will never take me. Also, his car's got trouble, too.
I wish Andy and I could try to make it together in the music world, but he doesn't want to cuz he feels people will admire me more than him if I was the lead singer and that's so stupid. Another person I can't trust that doesn't understand me. He needs me and I need him, but no.
He says he's coming over tomorrow afternoon to celebrate my b-day. Sure. Alright.
Ma sent me this hideous fruit candy package with white chocolate which I hate. I gave it to Nervo.
She says Monday there's more mail and to read whatever comes in the mail carefully. I wonder if it's a letter, but I doubt it. They never really write letters, only postcards which are plain and simple.
I started to make out a check to the dating service for $70, but I just really don't think it's worth it. Besides, I need that money for other more important things.
I'm still awake and I'm staying that way till tonight so I can get on a decent schedule which I'm determined to stay on for once.
I polished my nails a tannish-brown color, then I put shit loads of glitter over them. It looks so good. Almost like silver glitter and of course, you can see the brown.
Tammy did call today, and we both agreed we were wrong that other day. Also, I played some piano and read her the lyrics I recently wrote.
I composed a song on the piano, too. I'm so impressed with it. I'm wondering what Andy will think. He's supposed to be over this afternoon.
I was going to rearrange the living room but decided against it. But I do want to rearrange all my personal stuff. Some of the stuff on the furniture is too cluttered, like in the bedroom.
12/10/1988 Sat. 7:18 AM
The night before last I took Penicillin for my sinus infection and fell asleep before midnight and I never woke up till 6:30 last night. I woke up feeling so lousy and so disoriented that I couldn't figure out whether it was nighttime or morning. I mean, I felt awful. Tonight I gave Nervous Sasha as she's definitely what's been making me sick. It sure wasn't easy. I'll miss her something terrible.
Andy's been telling me my singing's not that great and that he doubts I'll ever make it and that people tell me I'm good so as not to hurt me and they want to be kind. That's such a lie and I know I can sing, granted I'm not perfect.
He said my dad only tells me I'm good to get me to lay off him and I told him, "You are so wrong and so negative and I don't even want to talk to you." Then he hung up.
Why do I always get negative people, if not desperate mental cases? People just don't care or understand and Andy's so contradicting.
Emily called a few mornings ago totally hysterical cuz she's been working so much. I mean, she really has changed. She's become so dramatic. I just don't consider her a true friend anymore.
Nervous just called to wish me good luck on the state board test I'm not taking. I lied and told him Andy was taking me, but the truth is I don't want to go with Nervous, and Andy has no car. Phil, Ruth and Marty are away.
I'll have to re-submit my papers and pay another $25 fee.
12/14/1988 Wed. 6:20 AM
From now on when I go to sleep at night and want to sleep straight through, I'm gonna take the phone off the hook. Nervous called at almost 1 AM and I said, "What the fuck are you doing calling me this late?"
Then he says, "It's not late."
Yeah, right. That's how desperate he is. He sounded like he was about to get nervous as all hell. What makes people like him deny reality when they don't like what they're hearing or can't get what they want? 1am isn't late?
So, then again at 2:30 Andy called and he says, "I knew you'd be up."
I told him I'm not always up this late. I was pissed.
Tomorrow I'm calling SS to see if I'm allowed to work a certain number of hours. I need the extra money and I'm going nuts.
Also, I definitely doubt I'm moving. Tammy and I just don't get along and we are just two different people. Also, I'm very skeptical about the whole situation. I began to wonder if they weren't gonna try to trick me into supervised apartments. So, I asked mom if she knew their number. She said no. Then I asked her for their names. She said she didn't know. I asked her if Tammy knew. Again she said she didn’t know.
So after I hung up I soon called Tammy and it was as if she expected my question when I asked her for the number. She said, "No. You're not to have it. You've got to be patient and wait."
I started to tell her I wouldn't move then, cuz of my fears of getting tricked, but she hung up. After being tricked into so many other places, I'm definitely skeptical. Andy says I should be if she won't even give me the number and that cuz I've had so many doubts for so long, I should stay where I am.
I just want to disown my whole family at times! I know I could never talk to my mom about this. Dad's the only one I can talk to, but ma gets in the way and Tammy's so much like her. She's just another Dureen.
12/17/1988 Sat. 5:48 PM
I found out from SS That I am able to work a certain number of hours. I had them call dad and explain it to him.
Andy gave me the name of someone to speak with in personnel at the Sheridan Tara where he works and I applied for a job in housekeeping. I don't think I got the job, though. She didn't seem very friendly or to like the idea of me being on disability for so long. Andy says that he gets the impression that this girl doesn't like him either. He says he gave my name and number to someone in the restaurant who needs a bus person. What would be nice about this job is that the pay is low cuz you depend on tips which I wouldn't report to SS. So I would still gross under $300 a month. But the shitty thing about it is that your tips come from the waitresses and waiters, so good luck if they ever tip you. Also, it's not always busy so you don't always make that much. It's never guaranteed.
My sister totally disgusted me with the things she says and does again last night on the phone and I really just don't want anything to do with her. She stabbed me in the back by telling my business to mom and dad, lies, is so negative and dramatic and thinks she's great. Valleyhead was the best place for me, she says. And also, she doesn't buy some of the things I've told her that have happened there. Why would I lie? Who wants to say someplace is bad if they really did enjoy it there and were treated well? I wish I had liked it. I wish I had been treated well and like a person who needed help and a boost up, rather than a criminal.
Last but not least, she's better than me cuz she doesn't do anything illegal. What about the prank calls she made when she was younger? I clearly remember the incident with the fire dept.
Plus, child abuse is illegal, be it physically, emotionally or verbally, and I've seen her abuse her kids.
She tells me the things I do and say along with the way I get angry have nothing to do with my past, it's all my fault, and so on.
She needs to take a course in psychology. Put it this way, my sister could never make it on her own or handle her life by herself. She needs a man to take care of her and support her.
12/22/1988 Thurs. 9:37 PM
Well, I think I will be getting a job as a bus person at the hotel, rather than housekeeping. The hours will be from 4:30 to about 11:00. It'll be shitty money, but it's better than just sitting around doing nothing.
Andy wants a job waiting on tables on the same shift, too. He's a night person too, and likes to stay up all night.
Not much else has been happening. Next week, though, Philip and I are going to go around to different apartments to see what they have.
12/24/1988 Sat. 6:09 PM
Andy called me at 10:00 this morning thinking I'd be up, but I wasn't. He told me he was going shopping so we only talked for a couple of quick minutes.
Later at noontime, I woke up and was so sick with a fever and dizziness. I went up to Shopper's for some cold pills and to get a refill on my water pills, then I talked for a few minutes with Emily.
I spoke to this other woman up at Shopper's who says allergy shots did her no good at all and that she takes some prescription medicine that helps her a lot. She said she used to see Dr. Donoghue too, and that Dr. Ploof is taking all his patients. She said Dr. Ryner never helped her with her allergies and that it wasn't even an allergist who gave her that medication she says works.
Speaking of Dr. Ryner, I saw him at the ER last night and he did no damn good for me at all but gave me something to unplug my nose that didn't work.
I had to go down by ambulance cuz I had no other way of getting there, but before they came, the cops came and one of them was the one who arrested me. Peter is his name and the other guy is Shaun. They also brought me home from the ER. They were very nice, too.
Later that night I left a message at 911 for him to call me and he did. I thanked him for the ride and said I wanted to chat for a while if it was ok after his shift was over. He said he was going to a party and that if there was a phone there he'd call me but he never did.
See what I mean? Only the jerks come to me. I can't get anyone I like, anyone decent or with a decent job. Shaun said when he called me that he thought something was wrong.
12/29/1988 Thurs. 7:50 PM
I haven't been writing too much lately so I'm going to do that for a while and also I'm going to work on my stories. I think I may study some of my shorthand from the book I bought, too.
I wanted to write last night but it was late and I fell asleep. I wasn't feeling too good yesterday probably cuz I didn't eat much. I still only weigh 97 pounds.
Mentally I have been feeling much better the last 3 days. Last night I took my new medication and 5mg of Navane. The two nights before I took 10mg but had zombie effects in court which was yesterday.
Nothing happened in court. They just gave me a trial date. The next date is February 13th and the other side is supposed to show up this time. Gee, I can't fucking wait!
Remember that job I applied for at the Sheridan Tara as a bus person? Well, I didn't get the job.