Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-09-07 02:06:16 (UTC)

how I long to be

... a shadow on the wall.

sorry for those brandi Carlisle words but when I get in this mood I get that somber soundtrack running in my brain.

I had a date today. and a job interview. it's only fair to mention the job interview went well. But the date?
I just have my doubts about potential intimacy. Not that he isn't cute and I'm not attracted. 100% both of those things. And I feel like this is the first time I scored some normal, college-age dreamboy for myself. Like . A real solid boyfriend. that's what this could be.

But then me, because I felt like I got lost in my head most of the time. I do that. I'm just feeling hard on me today since I'm not sure. I guess I wasn't intending on that date. I wanted to go to an art exhibit tonight, then I got caught up cooking and decided that finishing the potatoes was more important than leaving them unattended in the oven. tough call to make.

I just felt lonely too. I love/hate doing things by myself. I mean, I was feeling powerful earlier with my nice clothes and lipstick. And I got some food before a job interview, and I felt like I was turning heads and being influential.
But in the back of my mind lurking is still that tomfoolery of last night where my roommates thought it was acceptable to make a fool of me. I guess.

I still have trouble dissecting whether I should be embarrassed. I mean, I find it easy to just think they're playing this game of immaturity that I have no part of. But on the other hand, I brought it upon myself by admitting to Maya I thought dillon had eyes for me and that dominoes a series of confusing spilled intentions. Like, Maya told the whole party of roommates when she was trying to prove a point about how he's a fuckboy, then Hannah and Jackie took that as my own admission of mutual feelings for him, since I neither confirm nor denied that statement, and then they decided to go tell the rest of the boys in the group chat, so I don't know. Maybe dillon is or is not into me and that's not the point, the point is his feelings became the subject of ridicule, and then I became some

I don't know. what were Hannah and Jackie trying to do putting me in that position by ridiculing the idea we could be a thing. or whatever you want to call it.
I don't know my mind keeps going down that hole. of confusing itself with whatever bad feelings about me Hannah and Jackie must have to make them act that way on me. Even if I wasn't a factor in their entertainment at all... shouldn't I have been at least part of the consideration in their humiliation act?

am I being full of myself by being offended? and I got mad at them but on his behalf, so doesn't that confirm their confusing idea of me?
ugh
can't please everybody.

like

ugh
I told the guy I went on a date with about this mess I found myself in but I don't think I explained it all properly. I usually forget details that are important to the whole thing. and then usually in a guys' presence I sort of increasingly doubt myself like so. Like the self negativity filter shuts down.

and you can still hear remnants of that now.

/////

anyways

I've stepped away and come back to this entry. The thing that troubles me more are my feelings about Noah. And really, any guy. I follow this same pattern of feelings in relationships where my mind immediately switches to thinking some form of "am I enough for him?" or the more consistent "I am not enough". And then I think about that some more, and how that plays out with me becoming doubtful of my abilities in anything as well as getting stuck in my thoughts in my own head. I basically end up playing it out as the insecure, doubtful one, or when I do assume worthiness, I get resentful anytime they challenge me or poke at my facade. I become rigid and it feels unbecoming, and I start to crumble in self hate behind the illusion.

And I'm not really up for any of these things. All I'm really up for is some sweet lovemaking. who isn't. here here.
but I'm feeling down on me already. ugh. and I could go to the rec and run it out tomorrow probably and come up with some fantastic resolution to be transparent about those feelings or I could get hammered or I could cut him out of my life entirely and say nah not ready yet. any of those, the freedom of being an adult is overwhelming.

But I want to go back to my working theory about my self doubt stemming from that freudian--or rather just straight from my life-- bullshit about me not being able to be enough to 'fix' my family. I hate that word fix even though it accurately depicts the absurdity of my expectations of me. I feel like I don't actually have that crazy of a grip not on what I'm incapable of I just continually fail at showing up and being me and then ugh.
I can't even complete that thought it's too depressing.

and now I'm going to continue to run away from the conclusion I don't feel ready to make about this relationship. I don't feel ready for ugh.
I don't feel ready to let myself down?
ugh
all this self doubt is making me nauseous.

not true I'm not really self doubting I'm just confused and lonely.
and ugh

what I really need is a friend. or a family. or a hug. and I hope he wasn't disappointed in me for only chatting a bit and playing video games with him because I wasn't feeling up to making moves or even feeling self aware enough to see if there was any moves he was making. I feel wrong for having not been up to it, but
I'm trying to not shame my mental health?
I am I think.
I suppose.

trying to turn that corner of self love for me and although possibly it's that centripetal force of thought giving me nausea it's gratifying in the small moments of my day where the pattern begins to set in. Today I'd stopped to get some groceries and I think it was when I saw a dog I got happy and then I felt happy for me being happy. it was a good moment because the sun was setting in the sky and the summer air still hung and I got an aesthetic moment where I was outside myself.

///

at the end of the day, I need a friend more than I need a lover. And I need me to stop doubting me more than everything else. I hope he can understand that, because if he doesn't then I don't know whether I'll either have the wherewithal to say no to sex or the implications of him moving on out of boredom would mean for me. And I'm really sorry if that hopeful expectation makes me codependant. because I'm trying not to.

I wish I could talk to my mom about all this but that would make it worse.




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