Where Pelicans Fly
10/17/1988 Mon. 11:50 AM
I am sitting in the kitchen waiting for Philip to come and get my stereo. I think he's here now. I've had my stereo for 3 years and it really needs a good cleaning job.
I haven't written for a while, so to start with, I met Maria. She came over that night and then she decided she didn't want me for a girlfriend cuz I was too short and too pushy by asking her to stay overnight. But I thought that that's what you were supposed to do.
Then once again, I told myself how much easier it is to just stay alone, as I lose the decent people and attract only assholes. So I decided to stay this way. I really have gotten used to it and have learned to like it. This way no one can steal from me or play with my head or abuse me in any way.
It's gonna cost $25 for my stereo to be cleaned and another $12 for a new needle, which won't be in until next week, though the stereo will be ready Friday. For now, I'm using the boom box.
Earlier I called Maria at work wanting her to return the barrette that she used to put her hair up with the night we met and accidentally walked out with. It’s also an excuse to see her. I'm really sure I'm wasting my time, though, cuz she's already made up her mind that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, or else she’d have called or come over a long time ago. I can't change her mind and I can't make her want me. She's not an asshole. She's very decent and that's why she's not interested in me. I always fuck up when it comes to the decent people by being either too shy or too pushy.
She said she'd call me back after work between 5:00 - 5:30. So far no call. She also said, "We'll figure out a way to try to get that barrette back to you." Jeez, why can’t she just drive over with it? She'll probably give it to someone to give to me to avoid seeing me. I hope she doesn't give it to Bev. I don't trust Bev.
Speaking of Bev, I wonder where she and Maria stand. Is Maria interested in her still? What about Maria's 4-year boyfriend with whom she won't have sex cuz she doesn't believe in that before marriage? Will she ever admit she's gay and seek a relationship with a woman? I guess it’s a waste of time trying to figure out the answers to these questions, and it's just about 5:30 and still no call and I highly doubt there will be a call.
Next week sometime Philip and I are going to go look at other apartments as I've decided I just might be better off staying here in Springfield. I just don't always get along with Tammy, and how can she help me with my singing when she knows nothing about the music business? I can't leave Andy. He's the only one who can help me and he wants to and we've become so close. We need each other's friendship so badly. We have so much in common.
10/22/1988 Sat. 1 PM
I'm so pissed at Philip! My stereo is ready after being cleaned and I couldn't reach him. What an asshole! See how irresponsible males are? Tomorrow's Sunday so I can’t get it until next week.
Today's not my day. Carabetta says that regardless of the doctor's note, cats are not allowed and I need to get rid of her or they'll evict me. I guess Tammy's gonna take her and I also told Tammy that they'll never allow me to keep her in Norwich so I asked her to keep Sasha permanently as a gift to all of the family from me.
I can't have anything. No love. No money. No singing career. No animals. It seems things will never change and that this is the life that's in the cards for me and that I am surely being punished.
So I smile and lie to myself and say, "Life will get better."
I am starting this book the same day I finished the previous one about the awful day I've been having so far.
I'm so bored right now and later on, I should do more of a paint-by-number I'm doing for my nieces and I definitely should study my Spanish. It's just that I've been so lazy to do anything but pace in and out of each room.
I'm desperately dying for romance and love but I know that's not right or practical. To have a beautiful, kind, loving woman is fantasy, not reality. Sometimes I wish to God I was straight. I wish I could be attracted to a man the way I have been with women but they're such jerks. Male or female, all I get are assholes. The good ones are either taken or just not interested in me. I've been so hurt so much in my life that if I got someone decent I'd probably scare them away. Decent or not I know I'll never have someone I'm sexually attracted to, male or female. It's only once in a lifetime I'm attracted to someone and it's always someone I can't have. Guess I have to settle for second best all my life. An ugly jerk. I wish I could stop my mind and body from crying out so desperately for love. I wish I could just be happy being alone all my life. It would give me such pride to be able to say I made it through life alone. To be independent. To support my own self. It would be great and that way no one could ever hurt me or say I hurt them.
10/23/1988 Sun. 8:40 PM
I still haven't been feeling all that great with my nose all stuffed up and I've been getting very dizzy when I stand up quickly, and also, I still have these spells where I suddenly become feverish. Still not much of an appetite either. I am supposed to see an internist on the 31st but I lost my Medicaid card so hopefully, the new card will come early, or they'll see me and let me bring my new card in as soon as I receive it in the mail.
Andy called and told me he told his mother we're still friends and why. She knew about it when I first called his house, but she didn’t know we became friends. I guess she wasn’t thrilled with the idea at first simply because I’m Dureen O’s daughter.
He also had a talk with my mom, and he said that she said that I've got a sweet voice but that he shouldn't encourage me to be a singer cuz she doesn't feel I've got what it takes, and not to encourage me to live out my fantasies which are unhealthy. Andy said he disagreed 100%. Andy said if a person gave up all their dreams they'd be miserable.
My mother will never understand or accept me for the way I am. My dreams and fantasies are what keeps me happy and going. When you're lonely you've got to fantasize that you're special and someone's here to love you as long as you can distinguish it from reality. And if I couldn't face reality or be realistic then I don't think I'd have survived for 3 years on my own all by myself. And when are they going to understand that just cuz I'd like to be a singer doesn't mean I want to be famous. Not every singer has to be famous and I don't think I'm ready or could handle fame for a long time.
10/24/1988 Mon. 9:17 PM
I did some volunteer work today at Channel 57 and enjoyed it very much. I addressed envelopes which I must finish tomorrow, then stuff them with papers. Hopefully, it won't take too long so I can call about apartments and see my lawyer about this new bullshit phone call case. I want to do some laundry too.
I've got to go try to call Andy, though he might be sleeping.
10/25/1988 Tues. 8:32 PM
I just finished singing to my stereo which Philip brought back this afternoon and does she sound great!
I am presently waiting for Andy to come over with some French bread pizza and pictures of Charlie's Angels which I'm quite curious to see and see if I remember any of the pictures that I had years ago. No doubt I'll recognize quite a few.
Also, I'm in the mood to make prank phone calls with him. I need a good laugh. Something to cheer me up and make me smile. I've been so bored today cuz I had to sit around all day and wait for the fucking inspector. But this inspector we have that comes around is very attractive. The kind I'd like to have.
10/26/1988 Wed. 6 PM
Today I finished my volunteer work at Channel 57, stuffing and addressing envelopes. She thought I did such a magnificent job that she took my name and number in case she needs me for anything else.
I've tried to get Nervous to call me by leaving messages with his mother, but he won't call me. To tell you the truth, I miss him and I feel so guilty cuz in a lot of ways I was just as bad as he was. He was crazy at times and a real asshole, but I really used the hell out of him and that's probably why he won't call me. I miss the good times and our good talks, although there were also bad times that were not my fault. Maybe I'll mail him a letter.
I did write Nervous a letter and will wait to see if he calls me.
Andy was supposed to call me over an hour ago but hasn't yet, and I'm sure Emily's not home.
If not tonight, cuz I'm just so exhausted, then definitely tomorrow night I'm gonna hit the Spanish books cuz I was doing so well with that.
Friday I see my new shrink who I'll have to tell that the Pamelor doesn't work and it made me dizzier than all hell whenever I stood up and that the Navane's the only thing that'll work. But how can I keep taking it with the tardive dyskinesia problem (involuntary muscle twitches, mainly in the face and neck)?
Debbie, the asshole that admitted to me she was in therapy only for the money did terminate me and my new therapist called and scheduled an appointment with me. Her name is Mary Lou.
I definitely should've kept the original appointment for January in court cuz I could've been moved by then and I would've skipped it. Males are such bullies. I mean, to arrest someone for a stupid phone call? See, I prank-called my old phone number and it turns out a cop has the number now. So I had to pay $15 to bail out a few hours later after sitting in a cell, alone, thank God. Oh, and after the cop threatened me. He said I threatened his mother in one of the calls and that I was lucky he didn’t know where I lived at the time. So it’s ok for him to threaten me, but it’s not ok for me to threaten anyone.
Coincidentally enough, I’ve been getting sexually harassing phone calls, and I know it's either him or someone he knows. They think they're so smart and so tough, them cops. And invincible.
But also, I've been getting calls for longer where they just hang up or stay on the phone for a few minutes. Could it be Nervous? I doubt he'd ever admit to it if it is. It doesn't bother me, though.
Last night Andy came over and brought his picture collection of Charlie's Angels. I was like - wow! He even had my favorite picture of all 3 in white shirts with a red background sitting at a table with a vase of red roses! I remembered every single picture and in such detail. He’ll only let me keep them for a week or two. Says he can't get rid of them or give them to me.
10/27/1988 Thurs. 12:15 AM
Can you believe I was on the phone with Andy for almost 3 hours? Well, I was, but that's typical of us. I had originally called him to say I wanted to go to bed and not to call, but he cheers me up and we have such interesting conversations. We never run out of things to say.
I'm really pissed at Emily. I mean, we were so close and we used to talk on the phone several times a day and visit each other a lot, and now it's like I don't even know her anymore. Not since I moved here and she started school and working like crazy. She won't even make the time to be my friend anymore, and it’s sad cuz we had a good friendship. Oh well, it's her loss, not mine.
I wonder when it will be time for me to move. After New Year’s? Before? When will I be going to Florida? When will I break into the music business? So many questions but no answers!
10/28/1988 Fri. 8:42 PM
I explained to my shrink how frustrated I was about how the other medication affected me. He said he understood and is giving me something else. It looks like I'll end up having to take something addicting in the long run. I guess that's better than taking something dangerous and even he says I'll probably need something for quite a while longer.
Well, we're just about coming into November which means I'll have to do some Chanukah shopping this month. I wish I had the money to buy everyone something nice, but no, of course not. Chanukah falls on my b-day this year which sucks.
This month I've also got to give Philip $15 for the stereo.
Next month will be a busy month with the pledge drive starting on the 28th for Channel 57. Also, the usual errands, groceries, laundry, appointments, and court.
I wonder when mom and dad will fly in. Or rather drive in. Probably at the tail end of November.
I notice that when I was younger I used to write just like my sister but now I write almost like my mom. I haven't done my calligraphy for quite some time now cuz it's so much easier and quicker to write like this.
Next month I think I may do my gift shopping at Johnson's Bookstore. They have so many cute gifts there and also I'd like to buy 3 or 4 journals (books with lined paper like this). This is my fourth one (journal) but the first and the third ones were a rip-off cuz there are much fewer pages in them at the price of $8 whereas this one and the second one has lots of pages for only $5 and they're so much prettier too. Yes, I'll go to Johnson's. They've got everything at excellent prices. I'd shop tomorrow at McCrory's in the Eastfield Mall but I'll have no money until next Tuesday. Andy and I are going there tomorrow. He needs to go to Sears.
Andy and I are such great friends and if it weren’t for him, God knows where I'd be or who I'd have to talk to. I'd be so lonely. Even up to this day he always says, "I'm so glad you made that prank call." Yeah, that’s how we met up again, ha, ha, ha! I pranked him and he recognized my crazy laugh even after all these years.
10/29/1988 Sat. 4:04 PM
I fell asleep last night right after I finished writing and got up today at 11:00, then went to the Eastfield Mall with Andy. I bought a slice of mushroom pizza and a slice of cheese pizza for Andy, cuz he bought me pizza when he came over the last time.
Before we went to the mall, we went to Main St. Records, and the guy there gave me $5 for some records I sold him.
We once again ran into Bill F at the mall. We had run into him before at the Holyoke Mall. I met him when I was in a foster home.
After we were done I had Andy drop me off at Store 24 where I bought milk, bread and a few other things to hold me over till I go to Food Mart Tuesday with Phil. Thank God I have plenty of cigarettes till I get paid cuz all I have left is a few dollars.
Monday I'll get my $50 back after I identify Nellie on film after she swiped a check from me, the motherfucker! How dumb of me to trust her!
I see that internist at 11:15. I just got my Medicaid card in the mail today. After those things are done on Monday I definitely need to try to catch up with my lawyer.
Tuesday, besides grocery shopping, I see my new therapist Mary Lou. I wonder how that will go and how she is. Probably ugly. I always get ugly therapists. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s harder to sit and talk to such an ugly face for nearly an hour as it would be a pretty one.
I'm just so sick of having to start over and over again with my life story to so many different people. Hopefully, she'll be the last till I move. And I hope the shrink creates a miracle and solves my medication problems.
I'm really getting impatient about moving. I want to hurry up and get it over with. But I still don't want to leave Andy behind. I was thinking of making him a medley of Stevie Nicks songs who is his favorite, but he says I don't have to and that all he really wants for Chanukah is my friendship. Good enough.
I want to spend as much time as I can with my nieces when I move. And yes, Tammy too. I love being hyper and driving Tammy nuts. It's funny. I can't wait till Lisa gets older to teach her sign language, guitar and organ but I won't get my hopes up too high about teaching her to sing cuz not many can or do or want to.
There's a long time before Becky gets older. She's so cute though. She does look like Bill and nothing like Tammy, although as I got older I came to look more and more like her in the mouth, but not the eyes. My eyes are bigger and gray-green. Tammy's are brown-green. Pretty color, but not as big as mine. I wish mine were small and dark cuz it's those big eyes that make me look so much like a little girl. My mouth is too small. Wish I had full lips.
I am totally bored right now waiting for Andy to call. I wonder where the hell Fran's been, and I miss talking to Nervous.
I should've bought stamps today to mail my mail, and tomorrow Saratoga drug's closed so I'll take a walk up to Shoppers. It'll give me something to do. The only problem with that is Emily's gonna be there, and I just left a message on her machine saying goodbye, I'm moving, good luck with life and school. I did it cuz I'm so pissed at her for abandoning our friendship. If she asks, I wonder if I should just tell her the truth, although I'm sure it won't do me any good. She'll just argue and say she's been busy and tired, but to me, that's no excuse. She could at least make the time to call me if she truly cared.
I definitely have given up hope for a relationship. There's just no such thing as the kind I want. Even if there were, they can't live with me and I certainly can't just pack up and live with them. I'd never move in with anyone cuz if things didn't work out I'd have no place to go and if they lived with me and I kicked them out they'd either duplicate the keys or steal from me or try to beat me up or keep coming over and harassing me or calling me on the phone.
I was thinking of looking into a gay dating service I read about, figuring I could say to them this is what I want in a woman and this is what I don't want, but no way. I'm not paying money I don't have for an asshole, and if I got someone decent, would they be attractive at all to me?
Believe it or not, Emily just called and we had a great talk. I can understand her and how and why she's been so busy. In the end, it'll be well worth it and she won't need a subsidy. The poor woman's been working her ass off like crazy that she's got no time for herself either. I'm gonna miss her so much when I move but it's nice to know that if I want to come into Springfield to visit I've got a place to stay.