Where Pelicans Fly
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9/1/1988 Thurs. 1 AM
I’m making a TV dinner. I weigh 97 pounds. People are saying I'm starting to get too thin. I don't think so. Not for my height. But I know I'll eat every bite of the macaroni. I'm so hungry it feels as if my stomach is sticking to my ribs. I know I should eat more fruits and vegetables. I want to stay thin, although I'd probably feel much better if I were a little heavier. It makes you feel wimpy when you only weigh 97 pounds.
I stood up all night but I am now as tired as a dead drunk who had 20 shots of whiskey. I don't even know if I want to see Debbie since I'll be moving soon, and I probably shouldn't get too involved in therapy until I move. We'll see how I feel later. I'm wicked beat now.
Sometime today I was thinking of going to the bank to withdraw some money to finish photocopying. I might as well photocopy what I've started in this book too.
Also today, I've got to pay my rent and give them my amendment lease. Then I was considering doing some laundry and grocery shopping but I may be just too beat for grocery shopping so I'll pick up a few things from Store 24. I could use some fruits and veggies.
Tonight I'll try calling Phil again about the concert.
I think I'm gonna lie down for 2 or 3 hours. I need a little sleep at least.
I am quite pissed cuz I fell asleep this morning and never woke up till 4 PM.
The nervous bastard is standing outside my back door. He came knocking on my back door cuz he didn't have any money to call me. I told him I wanted to go eat and he asked me if he could come back later. When I said no, he goes, "Well I'll be back later anyway."
Is that fucking desperate or what? Well, he can stand outside all night if he wants cuz he ain’t coming in.
I don't know if Mary's coming over later or not, but I wish she'd stop feeling sorry for herself and stop worrying about Margaret and Ray so much. She should get out and do more things. It'll be better when she gets her car, but she always makes excuses such as she's sick or tired.
9/3/1988 Sat. Midnight
These duplexes that Tammy looked at have no graffiti, nice flowers and shrubs, a roller-skating rink and even your own driveway. They say the people are nice and it's very large with a beautiful backyard. They say each house has 4 apartments on the first and second floors.
Mary came over for a while. Tomorrow we're going to a movie. She'll be staying over tomorrow night, too.
After Mary left, Nervous came over and he's lucky there was no shit. I certainly won't miss him when I move. I'm so sick of him. Let him try and come looking for me after I move, and there may be no writing on the walls, but there'll be blood. That I can guarantee you.
I called Carabetta cuz the lights are out in both the front and the back.
Nervous has no car until Tuesday. I knew it’d break down.
9/7/1988 Wed 7:41 AM
I have this miserable cold but the Sudafed I took helps to drain it a bit.
Dad's going to be calling me at 9:30 to drive me to Food Mart where I intend to get quite a big order. Then he's gonna drive me back here. I hope the weather is cool today cuz lugging groceries upstairs makes me wheeze. Especially when it's hot.
9/8/1988 Thurs. 11:24 AM
At 10:30, I went to see Ella May, an older woman who lives a few buildings down, who's going to buy some books from me.
Now I'm at the Laundromat doing laundry which is very boring.
9/17/1988 Sat. 12:14 PM
Believe it or not, I’m at the beach!! Yes, I am actually on Old Colony Beach with Andy where we spent most of our summers as kids.
I saw Charlotte and Jim, long-time family friends, and also Natalie and Al. Everyone looks great. Natalie's so slender. Still has all her freckles. Char's looking fine, too.
I walked down to the rocks, and shit did my childhood memories come flying back! I could remember every shape and size of every rock. I also remember the things I did with my family and I remember nana and pa visiting and so much more. It's kind of like I wish I could do it all again. Some parts of it, anyway. My life just totally crumbled when they sent me away. How can anyone be so sick and cruel? Especially my own parents?
We're feeding the seagulls now. They help to keep the bees away. They're eating Fritos and M&M's.
We're now on our way home after stopping for a bite to eat. I had fish-n-chips. Before that, we visited Char and Jim for a while. Carol and Bernie were there, too.
My writing is so shaky cuz it's bumpy on the road.
Boy, do I need a good shower and shampoo. I'm all sandy and grubby but I think I got some color on my face.
The little dramatic storyteller started up again with the mouth last night. If it happens tonight, he's history. I'll smash his windows to get at him if I have to.
I've got to call Mary when I get home but I'm sure she won't want to come over and spend the night, but that’s ok. I'd rather have someone gorgeous. Yes, that's exactly what I need. Mary always has an excuse. We were going to the Big E fairgrounds tonight, but she has no money. Neither do I. Tonight would've been bad, though, cuz it's raining. Why do I always get someone ugly or broke? She's got to let go of her sister and worry about her own problems and making it out on her own. Maybe it's a crutch. An excuse not to do something with her own life.
9/22/1988 Thurs. 12:46 AM
I had a great time at my parent’s place for the Yom Kippur holiday dinner. We had Chinese food. Everybody's favorite. I spent a lot of time with Lisa cuz she has a bad knee and can't walk well. Tammy broke her arm by her elbow and has a cast on.
It really looks like my parents and sister are more on my side about my singing than they ever were before. And I also feel much closer to the family and have more faith in them. I think now they really can see how far I've come and understand my dreams and goals and are more supportive of me and my talents and abilities.
When I look back on the past it's only to be thankful that I didn't succeed in the foolish attempts I made to take my life. If I had died I'd never be alive to have become independent or as smart as I have or to get the voice I've got. Dad had a little talk with Tammy tonight and told her that I do have a voice and that whatever happens will happen and not to say what she's said about my shrink being full of shit about not needing drugs. Believe me, I know when someone's full of shit and when they aren't.
I was upset and started to cry a bit as I said goodbye tonight, as tomorrow mom and dad are leaving for Florida. I'll miss them but I'm happy they're happy and doing the things they want to do. I guess they deserve it at their age.
Dad and I also talked about a relationship and children in the future. Right now it seems impossible, but of course, anything's possible. It just seems so far away. I told him I wanted a child to take care of instead of everyone taking care of me. Also to teach my skills to and to hand down whatever I may have whenever I die.
But it really does look like my family’s on my side and isn’t labeling me “mental” anymore.
I just can't help being so excited. I want to hurry up and move. Get on with my singing career. Do as much as I can. I want what's considered a hectic schedule.
I really have been feeling 100% better lately both mentally and physically. I really must admit that this summer wasn't nearly as bad as the last. My appetite's come back, my sleeping habits are normal now. My attitude's much more positive. Things are really starting to roll. Good things. I only hope I don't get fat this winter but I have my water pills which help tremendously. I have gained two pounds, though.
I haven't seen Nervous for nearly two weeks and I never felt better. What the hell did I ever need such a jerk like him around for? He was one problem after another and he was a very sick man. No doubt he's probably getting his thrills spying. Let him. What other source of entertainment does the poor loser have?
Although I’m sleepy I just don't feel like sleeping. I just want to stay up and write but first I think I'll go into the kitchen where it's easier.
I almost stepped on Sasha who is sleeping at the foot of the bed underneath the bedspread of the floor.
Ma said if I move by January 1st, she'll fly me to Florida in December. Hopefully, I move by November or definitely before my b-day. One thing’s for sure and that is I'm really gonna miss Andy.
I'm just thinking about the nervous bastard and how lonely he'll be. Just like he no doubt is now. I sure as hell don't miss him, but maybe right before I move I'll get in touch with him just to bug him. I do miss making him nervous. But overall he can go fuck himself.
9/24/1988 Sat. 12:06 AM
Now that I've got the new song by the Beach Boys called Kokomo, they're playing it on the radio all the time.
Fran is staying overnight. He's sound asleep in the living room.
Andy was here at noon earlier today to teach me La Isla Bonita by Madonna. I'm doing excellent with my piano playing. Today after he left I played Sara and Talk to Me with the drums which I am going to practice more so I can surprise him. I even started to figure out Talk to Me on the harmonica last night by ear. I'm sure I could do it on my bamboo flute too.
I think I’ll make an appointment for my nose. I can't breathe out of it. This is getting ridiculous. But the other dentist said it was not my wisdom teeth that were causing my sinuses to be so blocked up. It's hay fever. Tammy said that nasal spray wouldn't really help.
I got some sad news today when I called my shrink for a letter for Carabetta about how my cat helps me emotionally, cuz the inspector saw her today and said she's not allowed. Dr. Donoghue died. His secretary said it was a sudden heart attack.
I'm so shocked that Nervous hasn't tried to call me or come over. I wonder how he's doing without me. I can just imagine how miserable and how much he probably spies. Maybe he'll commit suicide.
9/29/1988 Thurs. 12:08 AM
Last night I got up at 2:30, stood up till 11:00, slept till 12:30, then grabbed the Feeding Hills bus to go see Debbie. It went ok, although I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was so tired. Too much medication. I need to drop my dose from 10mg to only 5mg. Also, my hay fever was killing me. My nose was so stuffed up and I bought some nasal spray at Shopper's when I came back, but it didn't help worth shit as Tammy said. Guess I'm gonna need to get a doctor.
Can you believe I haven't seen the nervous bastard for over 3 weeks? I never felt better. I did talk to him once, though and I can't believe he hasn't called. Some friend he was!
9/30/1988 Fri. 12:46 AM
I was pissed cuz I slept till 4:00 today and never did my laundry. So I guess I'll just stay up tonight cuz it's got to get done tomorrow.
Tomorrow night, Andy and I are going to the Frontier, a gay bar, but I know that even if Maria's there she'll never want me and that if she does, she'll be an asshole. Maria, who’s a friend of Bev’s, who’s a friend of Andy’s, is on her way out of the closet. Bev’s been out for years.
The thought of getting it on with someone who looks like Gloria, as Bev says she does, and who’s gorgeous, even if they'll never love me, is awesome. Of course, I don't want anyone around who drinks, does drugs, doesn’t understand or care for me, doesn’t accept me as I am, or that’ll cheat on me cuz they think I'm unattractive.
The thought of being kissed or touched still scares me, though. I've never been touched but only by two ugly males who were assholes, and not very many times. Of course, there was that Lloyd character, too.
I want someone I'm really attracted to and love. Why am I so picky, I don't know, but it has to be the right person otherwise it just won’t feel right. In a way, I feel like I’m still a virgin. But will I ever find the right person who’s both good to me and beautiful? Oh, how I doubt it.
Saturday, Andy and I are going to Tammy's, then to the beach. She's having a tag sale that day.
I hate the way my hair looks and the shape of my body. I have the same gut and beach ball thighs I always had, and it feels like my hair will never be long again. It’s barely past my shoulders. The top still feels fried and straw-like.
I’m really looking forward to going to the Frontier with Andy, although I'm sure I'm getting my hopes up for no reason whatsoever. Especially about this Maria. I asked Andy, “What if Bev, who’s a druggie, is interested in me?”
He said that maybe she could take me to the places she goes to. I want Maria if she looks like Gloria, but I know I'll never get her. If I do, she'll probably just be an asshole.
I forgot to write that I dumped Mary about 3 days ago for constantly setting me up. We were supposed to go to the Big E and I got tired of the excuses. As Andy said, if she really wanted me, she'd find time to come and see me and stick to our dates. She'd always say she loved me and nothing about me turned her off and that she was lonely, too. Well, she's always gonna be alone, and I can see why she's been through 20 women, as she says she has.
But you know, I'm really glad it turned out this way, cuz she was the ugliest thing in the world and I could never picture myself in bed with her.
I've got a record of hers and if she wants it, she better come and get it, and she better get it when she says she's gonna. There's no way I'm gonna wait for hours after she calls saying she's gonna get it. No way is this girl gonna jerk me around.
I love this perfume called Cache. It's sexy. I've got my big round gold earrings on too and tomorrow night I'm gonna dress up nice.
This month I'll need to buy a new journal for sure but I can't remember where I got my second one, which was bigger and cheaper. The best place to go would probably be Johnson's bookstore.
Today I am definitely going to do my laundry so I can wear my pink mini-skirt to the bar tonight. I have so many clothes but I'm running out of underwear.
I'll probably sleep an hour or two when it's all done so I won't be too tired for the bar but I'll still get a good night's sleep for tomorrow's trip to Tammy's and the beach. Can't wait to go back again! We'll climb the rocks, too. This time it will be just about totally dead. Char and Jim are in Florida and I'm sure all the others are gone, too. There'll hardly be a soul around.
I am starting to feel sleepy but I want to stay up so I can go do my laundry. I just hope I have enough money. Tomorrow I get paid. I also want to buy a denim mini skirt this month and other clothes that at least fit. Maybe I can weasel some clothing money off ma, but God do I hope I stay thin! I doubt I would, though, if I ate more and didn't take water pills.
I think I'll go down to A.D.S. Fashions. They have nice clothes at reasonable prices.
I am now at the Laundromat on Main St. I hope that where I move to they have plumbing for your own washer and dryer, cuz if they do I'm getting ma's washer and dryer.
I just remembered I left a message for Nervous to call me and he's probably trying to reach me now.
I'm gonna go next door for a bite to eat.