Where Pelicans Fly
May - July 1988
5/6/1988 Fri. 12:16 PM
Last Saturday went great. Nissan and I got to know each other a lot better. Kevin was impressed although I saw her Tuesday and it was the pits. I fucked up bad and discovered she'd really never want me. I wrote a list of 30 encouraging hints Nissan gave me which I thought were signs of her being interested in me and I showed them to her like a fool. Guess what? She stole them! Must've been when I went to the back of the bus. And come to find out all those things weren't true. It wasn't until after I got off the bus that I realized she took them. I had asked her if she was going to tell her girlfriend Julie and she said no, but why else would she take them? Obviously to show Julie. She hates me. I know it and I'm petrified about getting on the bus tomorrow. She probably won't even let me on! And if she does, what if Julie's there? What if she lies or denies it? She could never want me yet Emily, Nellie and Philip said maybe she took them for herself because she was flattered or so I wouldn't tell Julie. No way! She wouldn't take them for her own reading pleasures. I never stood a chance with her and I never will. Even she told me, "I'm spoken for and I'm used to people liking me." I'm afraid to get on the bus tomorrow, but if I do, I will confront her and ask her what’s going on.
5/9/1988 Mon. 12:10 PM
I am here on my lunch break with some very interesting news. First of all, Nissan proved to be the jerk I began to suspect she was and she is history.
Last Friday in school I accidentally ended up singing and they loved it and there was this new girl Elliot who said she knew this guy who had a band and knows the business really well. I had my doubts as I've heard this before but she called me and I spoke to the guy. His name is Jimmy. Of course, I told him up front I'm gay and I don't get along with males and he said he doesn't mix business with pleasure. Who knows for sure? They all say that. I just don't want to be with males or travel with them but this guy sounds as serious as I am and like he knows what he's talking about but I've learned never to trust or listen to a male. Especially a black one. I'll have to see for myself but I'm sure if I sing with this band, either he or someone in the band will try to hit me for sex. I'll kill them. No way am I gonna get into a situation I can't get out of. It scares me to have to put my trust in someone. If this follows the usual pattern in my life, then he'll prove to be a crock and I'll know something's punishing me. But this really sounds positive. He and Ellie are supposed to come to my place today or tomorrow.
5/21/1988 Sat. 4:30 PM
I’ve come to have quite a crush on singer Gloria Estefan.
I got my hair extensions. It looks good so long as I style it to hide where my own hair is. It cost $140. Ma hung up the phone on me when I told her.
Claire and Tammy, the girls who did my hair extensions, said if I want another row to thicken it up, it would cost $200, so I'm avoiding that by doing all kinds of braids and tails with it. Love it so far.
I quit La Baron cuz I got so sick of it. I don’t know if my heart was really truly ever in it. Mom and I are gonna check into getting me back into school for just the manicuring, rather than the whole hairdressing course since they fucked up my financial aid application anyway.
Sasha has been limping quite badly the last two days and ma said to ask Nervous if he'd take me to the vet with her, but I've had enough of that jackasshole.
6/10/1988 Thurs. 12:37 PM
Nervous took me over to my parent’s place. Ma was the usual bitch. I helped them bolt their new kitchen table together.
Today is my second day at Mansfield beauty school. It's better than La Baron. They gave us so much more stuff for just manicuring than they did at the other school for the whole 1000-hour course.
I guess I am really gonna give up my musical dreams. I really wanted to prove myself to my family with that, but they'll never change. As long as I know the truth, then I guess that’s all that matters.
7/10/1988 Sun. 1:22 AM
I realize I haven't written in quite a long time. Been lazy I guess, and I've got to get with it again.
I hate this sticky heat and I can't wait for summer to end and winter to return once again.
School's still ok, although I was on a leave of absence for a week until this next coming Monday. My allergies were bad and I was having anxiety attacks and some depression. I'm doing better.
I don't think I ever wrote about writing to Stavros, a deaf agency on State St., requesting a deaf roommate. I had gone down there a little over a week ago and had an interview with Mark D, who's also deaf.
Friday, I got a call about a 41-year-old woman named Cecelia who just may be interested. She's coming over today at 2pm.
Via TTY, Cecelia asked me questions about the people around here, the apartment, and me. She told me she may be a little shy at first, but she's a very friendly person. She has a car and has worked at Digital in West Springfield for 12 years.
I'm looking forward to seeing her today. I told her that my receptive skills might be a little shaky due to lack of experience, but assured her she'd understand me very well.
Nervous was finally evicted after owing 3 months of rent. He's living at the Y now.
I can't wait to start school again. It'll do me good, and I'm determined to make it through.
I got a new therapist, Debbie, out of the Osborne clinic in Agawam because they do home visits. She's very nice. Very understanding too, and also gay. She's not overly attractive but she's not ugly either, and she's the type of person I’ve always wanted. At first, I thought she may have been interested in me, but I really don't think so.
I met this guy named Al L a few weeks ago. I've gone to bed with him but didn't enjoy it. I want a woman, not a male! And Al isn’t quite my type. Why do I feel the need to settle? Because I don’t believe I could ever have what I want?
I discussed Al with Tammy and mom. Mom was pissed cuz she was afraid for me after what happened with Ron. This is understandable, but I also don’t want to be alone forever either.
7/25/1988 Mon. 10 AM
I’m in school now, wishing it were 3:30 so I could end this very boring day. But guess what? I graduate Thursday!
I meet with Debbie at 4:00 today, then later on around 6:00, mom and dad are taking me out to dinner. I hope that goes well but isn't that a little too much to ask for?
I found out from my sister that mom miscarried a baby before I was born. Why wasn’t I ever told about this? It pisses me off to think this was kept a secret all these years.
I wish I knew for sure whether or not Debbie will ever approach me for a relationship. I wish she would cuz she'd be perfect for me. I won't dare say anything, though. I'll keep my mouth shut. Maybe she's waiting for the right moment, till I feel better about myself and learn to trust her.
Sometimes I can swear she's giving me hints by the way she looks at me and talks to me and the things she says. Or maybe I'm wrong about her. I'd take someone like her over Al any day, but I think I'm hoping for the impossible. After all, she is my therapist.
Why am I always living on dreams?
I’m on my lunch break, just thinking how boring it's gonna be till I graduate. I wish it were 3:30. Enough is enough already. I could never stand the 8 months of the hairdressing course. Most of the girls are snobs, too.
I'm still confused between Al and whatever my therapist may have in mind. I doubt she'll ever get serious about me, though. She probably sees me as inferior.
Mom and dad are on their way over to take the pictures of me that I need for the state board's files. She's bringing some clothes and my graduation present, she said. I didn't expect that, or so soon either. They're also bringing me some Chinese food.
Dad’s got to hear that song They're Coming to Take Me Away. It’s hilarious. He's never seen Sasha either. I hope to spend some time alone with him. We have fun together. I miss singing for him, too.