Where Pelicans Fly
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February - April 1988
2/1/1988 Mon. 1:11 PM
I’m downtown now and I have been for almost 4 hours. At 9am, I walked down here and went to SIS, my bank. It looks like I have gotten my checks. Thank God!
Afterward, I went to Friendly's, then saw Rose. Personally, I think she sucks!
I’m now on Chestnut St. waiting to see the doctor. What much can he do? I need to quit smoking, but it is just so damn hard!
The nurse just weighed me at 118 pounds. I'm so fat! I sure as hell hope I lose it this spring like I usually do.
2/2/1988 Tues. 8:02 PM
Today I woke up at 9am. I went to get that Nicorette gum the doctor gave me a prescription for yesterday to try to help me quit smoking. He said my lungs were so bad and that I needed to quit. I think I've had 9 cigarettes altogether today, but a few hours ago I became deadly determined. I'm only 22, so it's now or never. Better to get it over with and to have smoked for 8 years rather than for 40. Besides, singers shouldn’t smoke, and I could save $80 - $100 a month.
Just a little while ago the urge to smoke was quite bad but I didn't touch it! I chewed the gum.
I'm so damn pissed, though. I forgot all about my sign class tonight!
2/4/1988 Thurs. 2:05 AM
Crystal came home early with a bad ulcer. She said she went to the ER. She can't work tomorrow or the day after. I hope she doesn't get fired.
I have smoked only 4 cigarettes today, but it pisses me off that I just can't cut it out for good.
Got some books in the mail today. I was pissed that they sent me a book I already have. I wonder when I'll get my books for getting Crystal in as a member.
I didn't do too much today but tomorrow I am going to go down to welfare to pick up my photo ID. I'm also going to call the bank to see if my other check came and pick up a few things at Food Mart.
Crystal is listening to the radio now. Earlier I was teaching her some signs.
It's been quite pleasant not seeing Nervioso for a few days. I really want nothing more to do with him.
2/6/1988 Sat. 12:16 AM
I'm so pissed at myself! I bought 2 packs of cigarettes. It seems I can never quit. I'm so pissed! I can't breathe, and I wanted to save the money.
Tuesday I must remember to go to my sign language class. I was so pissed off at myself for forgetting last week. Nervioso was so jealous he couldn't take me to my classes. I haven't seen him in 4 days and I never felt better.
2/15/1988 Mon. 8:26 AM
Today is my usual appointment with Rose at 3:00 but I doubt Community Care is open today because it's Washington's birthday. I called P.C.S. and they said the buses are running.
I also called Emily, but she was a bitch cuz she just woke up so I didn't even waste my time talking to her.
Crystal is still asleep as I thought she'd be. She goes to sleep late like I used to.
It looks like she did get fired from McDonald's. I don't think she ever gave a damn about the job and I don't think she wants to work. What with all the money she owes her old landlord for rent, the gas company, the phone company, the electric company - she's up shit's creek. All I know is I better get my rent money.
I guess she's never gonna get the garbage bags she said she’d get. Looks like I'm gonna have to get them, but the bitch is gonna pay me back. She's gonna buy her share of household needs and do her share of chores or she can pack her shit and go.
2/16/1988 Tues. 1:02 PM
Without saying a word, I called Kevin to see if he'd say anything. He did. He said, "So, you're gonna move to the Hamden East condos, huh?"
This is in response to my mentioning that during my little phone games. Anyway, the little asshole sounded nervous as all hell, breathing heavily.
Ma called this morning at 9:30 to say daddy was fine and that they were able to do a triple bypass on him.
I was pissed last night cuz Tammy went down there without me, but Philip said if God forbid anything happens he'll take me down to Florida. Uncle Marty was pissed at ma cuz she never called him about dad. They found out by me cuz yesterday I tried to reach Tammy in Salem and I found out through Bill's parents.
I almost missed ma's call last night cuz Crystal keeps turning off the ringer on my pink phone and forgetting to turn it on again, so this morning I told Crystal not to shut the ringer off if she couldn't remember to turn it back on.
At 2:30, I have to see Dr. Franklin. I’ll walk there. In fact, I'll start walking now.
3/2/1988 Wed. 12:29 AM
I haven't written for quite a while. A lot has happened, too. To start with, I've had a very bad flu since Thursday. I can't seem to shake it totally out of my system.
I've decided to go to La Baron Beauty School. Others have suggested I’d do well at it and I don’t really have anything else to do. I was supposed to meet with the financial aid people last Friday, but due to this flu, I've had to postpone it.
Whether or not I feel well, I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping tomorrow. I hate to see Kevin but I've only seen him twice in a month and I plan to have as little to do with him as possible cuz I've never felt better. He is so determined to see me become a singer but I think he just wants something out of it such as for me to be all lovey-dovey, excuses to see me, and a pat on the back from my parents.
3/5/1988 Sat. 5:42 PM
Nellie moved today, and José asked me if he could store two suitcases in my place till tomorrow. Guess he’s not moving with her. I should steal the clothes in the suitcases. He stole from me.
I spoke to Mary today and asked her if she wanted to go down to Salem tomorrow with me and Nervioso. She can't which is too bad, cuz I really don't feel like putting up with him all day.
I ran out of cigarettes and to hell if I'll spend any money on anymore. I know I can quit and for fuck's sake quit I will. It makes me feel miserable and burns my needed money. I know I have what it takes to quit without that fucking gum.
I'm at the Laundromat washing the big yellow bedspread I got from the Harley Hotel.
Ma sent me some beautiful pictures with a nice little letter. I wasn't surprised by her closing statement. “Stay well and out of trouble.”
3/6/1988 Sun. 11:15 AM
Mary D called at 9am and said she was at Dunkin Donuts and asked me if I wanted to come up. Both Nervioso and I did, and he got all nervous and never shut up.
We're now on our way to Tammy's.
4/8/1988 Fri. 6:14 PM
I started hairdressing school at La Baron over on State St. I have never felt better! There's nothing like having something to get up for in the morning and believe it or not I'm having no problem getting up. Sometimes I wake up before the alarm goes off! I think I should've done this two years ago. I need structure and routine. It takes my mind off of other bullshit.
4/13/1988 Wed. 8:06 PM
I found out some baffling information about why I was put on disability. Mom says it's cuz I could never hold a job, but social security says it’s cuz of my ear. Somebody's lying somewhere.
Another thing is that when Ron and I went over to my parent’s house and told them we wanted to get married (God only knows why I ever considered marrying an ugly loser like he was!) they tried to convince me that if I got pregnant, I’d probably have a miscarriage or the baby would be deformed or have other problems cuz of the DES (a drug my mother took to keep from miscarrying me).
Dad was saying, "Would you want your kids to have the same problems you do?"
I just called a GYN that said that that’s pure bullshit. He said that if I really did have a chemical imbalance, it wouldn’t be because of the DES. Nor would my ear be. My parents just want me to believe I’d be an unfit mother. As if they were the greatest parents themselves!
Whether or not I really was DES-exposed, I believe I was an accident. Even Philip agrees. Larry’s 12 years older and Tammy’s 8½. People don’t normally space their kids out like that.
I'd love to view her medical records, but I'd need her permission and she'd never go for it. It seems my life has been based on too many lies. It’s not comforting to catch your own parents in lies. How can I trust them?
When Kevin's sister Judy called the folks to bitch about my prank phone calls to her, after Kevin stupidly gave her their number, dad told her that they were trying to get me into an institution down there and that they were paying my roommate to watch me.
I confronted dad with this bullshit. He said nothing and ma denied it, but their silence spoke a thousand words. I believe his motivation behind that was to try to make Judy feel sorry for me so she wouldn't prosecute, but she couldn't have if she wanted to.
Tammy says that ma was abused as a kid, but I don't know too much about it. Ma does all her talking to Tammy. I'm too "mental and immature" for either of them to speak to. Whether or not she was abused herself is no excuse to be abusive.
Tammy lies just as much as mom and dad do. She says ma never told her about my dispute with Jenny, which has ended our friendship, but I say that’s bullshit. There's no other way she could find out. Whatever I tell ma, she tells Tammy, and vice versa. In fact, I'm sure Tammy will run and call mom to tell her what I discussed with her on the phone tonight. Only Tammy's allowed to call. Not me. I'm too annoying.
As for the Jenny dispute, there’s not much to say there. I just got sick of her selfishness. I feel we’ve become too different over the years, too.
4/14/1988 Thurs. 12:14 PM
I’m now on my lunch break at McDonald’s, sitting by the window on the lookout for Nervous. So far there's no sign of him, but I really doubt he has the guts to come spying on me.
Late last night I pulled a prank on him by calling him to tell him that I needed him to take me to the emergency room because my ankle was killing me.
He asks, "Are you serious or are you just playing a joke on me?"
I tell him I’m serious and then I lay in bed with all the lights off till he came and knocked on the back door a few times. I then jumped up to peek out the bedroom window, and man was he flying to that front door, desperate for it not to be a joke. He was a complete bundle of nerves, being teased with seeing me and all that.
I dialed his number and let it ring until he got home. When he picked up and didn't say anything, I asked if he was going to talk or not, then asked him why he was running so quickly as if his life depended on it. All he said was, "Oh, just making a move."
Well, that sure was quite a move for the little desperate boy!
I told him it was his April fools I owed him and that I wanted to do it before I ended our friendship which was right now. He says, as I knew he would, "I'll be seeing you. I'll be around."
I could care less if the bastard spies on me, and I'm sure he will cuz he has no guts to come face me personally. Hey, the guy's desperate. After all, he hasn't made it with anyone in 5 years because he could never get anyone but a hooker. He has no friends. His phone will never ring anymore except for his mother. If he wanted company or to go do something, he has no friends to call. He deserves what he has and that's nothing.
All I know is I had a hell of a grand time using him and he's a sucker for it, too. I asked him if he realized I was using him, and he said yes. As hooked on me as he is, he could care less, though. If anyone else asked him to take them to the store he'd say he was too tired or that he didn’t feel like it.
In 20 minutes, I have to return to school and take a test over that I failed because of long hard words I can't even pronounce, then I'll bust my ass working on the mannequins. School can get boring!
When I went back to school, I learned how to give a manicure and worked on my pin curls. I took two tests and got a 92% on both of them. Not bad.
You won't believe what a hell of a night I had ranking on Nervioso. I sent him 3 pizzas and chicken from Quickies. The delivery guy was pissed.
4/15/1988 Fri. 3:09 PM
Today sure is a sucky day. It's raining out and I didn't go to school. I had set my alarm for 7:15 and didn't realize it was going off for an hour and a half later. Can you believe that?! It seems so weird that I can sleep so soundly with that thing blaring for so long. What is wrong with me? How can anyone sleep so deeply?
I just had a hell of a time trying to track down Mary C's number, which was changed. First I called all the Picards in the book but no one was related to John. Then I called Shell Mini Mart looking for Doug or the number. Doug's been gone 3 months and this guy tried to find the number in a file. No suerte. Called Dunkin Donuts and got nowhere. Called where John works. He wasn't there and no one knew his number and the guy was gonna go to the office to get it but it was locked up and he had no key. So finally I called McDonald's where Crystal used to work to speak to Larry. He wasn't there but the manager said he was in the book and gave me the name of the street. He's listed under Arthur G. He's not home but I'll probably have luck there.
4/18/1988 Mon. 1:15 PM
I’m now in McDonald's taking a late lunch break as I was tied up giving this Puerto Rican a manicure. Dolores was supposed to do it but she left school early. I'm the only one in class today. Lecenia and Sonya are absent. Well, I guess for my remaining two hours I'll study my textbook and work on the mannequins.
4/20/1988 Wed. 12:02 PM
I’ve decided to cut my hair off. It's dead, uneven, unmanageable, and I can't keep the ends from splitting. Also, it's getting to be a pain in the ass and I'm sick of it. I've had it basically all my life. This way it’ll be easier to brush and it'll only take two seconds to blow it dry.
4/26/1988 Tues. 12:23 PM
I finally met somebody and she’s gorgeous! She's a PVTA bus driver. Her name is Nissan as in Nissan cars and trucks. I've had Nissan on my mind quite a bit.
Two Saturdays ago I took the Belmont bus up to see Dr. Donoghue, my new therapist/shrink, and the driver was this guy I'd seen quite often. He wanted to get together with me and I told him I’d prefer a woman. Then he kept questioning me about why I'm gay. You know how males are. So, near the end of the line, we passed this woman bus driver who he said was gay.
After seeing the doctor, I got the bus she drove, and oh my God! She was beautiful! I thought to myself, could she really be gay? Sure enough, she is, but she's taken, but I think, or I should say I hope, I still stand a chance, as she says she's having problems with her girlfriend. She's had mostly boyfriends, though.
I rode with her last Saturday from 1:30 to 7:30 on the bus. At first, she seemed distant but then we were laughing and joking and she sang for me. She has a great voice. I sang for her, too.
She says my haircut makes me look younger and she's gonna help me style it. She said with my hair done up nice and a little makeup and nice clothes, I'd be beautiful.
She gave me a tuna sandwich for lunch and also bought me some coffee.
This Saturday I'm going on the bus with her again. I asked her if she'd mind because if she did, I wouldn't come back. She said I could, though.
I'm gonna bring her some of those Jerky treats she likes and make a tape of Gloria Estefan for her.
In the midst of our discussions, she told me that I have to get rid of my mean streak, and I really respect her, so I’ll try. Never would I ride a bus that long unless I'm in love. And I am, as you can see, but I wonder if she'd ever want someone like me. Maybe I'm not good enough for her.
4/29/1988 Fri. 8:32 AM
I've been up since 2:00 this morning and fell asleep around 7:30. Sasha, the stray cat I took in, woke me up. I was just falling asleep again at 3:00 when Andy Mindell called. Our parents were friends for 30 years, but that ended in the 70s and I haven’t seen him since.
We talked about music and he played his keyboard for me. He's quite good. I played a little guitar for him. He said he likes my style and was looking for a guitarist to play some songs he'd written. He also told me he was gay, too.
Tomorrow I see Nissan! I can't wait. I really hope all goes well. She doesn't come on till 1:30 and at 10:00 I have to see my doctor.
It’s now lunchtime and I’m at the Chinese place right next to La Baron.
I can't wait to see Nissan. I just hope all goes well and I get some answers to some of my questions, like does she want me? I doubt it. I'm probably not good enough for her. It seems all I get is druggies or weak-minded losers. And why can’t I have anyone I’m attracted to???
Tonight I've got to finish recording those tapes. Also, I want to write her a copy of my songs such as My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away. I hope she likes them and doesn't think they're stupid.
It's pouring out now just as they predicted it would on the news this morning. With my luck, it'll pour when I get out of school.
I have to go back now and finish winding my perm rods.
Ok, I am back in the classroom. Miss Loretta and Diane are in here now talking so I guess I'll write more.
Mom and dad are visiting Goldie and Al, long-time family friends. She called me yesterday which was when she had said she was leaving but didn't because of the rain.
I can't wait till that house sells so I can hopefully move. When I do, they're giving me the stuff in the house, then I'll sell mine. Their washer and dryer will surely come in handy. I'm sick of lugging my laundry down the street.
I hope she doesn't tell me to finish my perm rods yet because I want to write those notes of what to say to Nissan on the bus for Kevin if he ever tags along with me.