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I haven't written since Wednesday night when I slept over at Mary's place. I am upset with her for not returning the $5 I lent her for dinner as she promised and have been broke all weekend. My checks were supposed to come yesterday, and they didn't as usual, so I am going to talk to them tomorrow. They think they're missing a digit in my account number, so the computer is rejecting it and the money's delayed a day.
I still have to go to court. I didn't because I have been too sick. I have a bad cold and now I know why last Thursday they said I had a high white blood cell count. I literally forced myself to work out today at about 4 PM and now I am sicker than a dog, but I needed to get the hell away. When I sit at home all day, I get very depressed. I will work out tomorrow, too.
Thursday, I was very depressed and was looking so forward to therapy, but Trisha was out sick. Debbie at the desk said she tried to call me, but I wasn't home.
I invited Fran P, my old neighbor who used to live next to Kevin, over earlier but he was expecting company, so he'll come over next weekend. I may invite Kevin over later but I'm a little sick of his company and I really can't wait till I have my own car (if I can get over my driving phobia). No, I’m not intimate with either Kevin or Fran.
I don't think I'll be able to sleep well tonight since I slept late this morning. Oh well. I'll probably read all night or write.
Tomorrow I'm going to go pay my rent and I want to call the bank and also go down there and see if they can figure out my checkbook. I fucked it up again with my shitty math.
I also have to pay Jean for those two singing lessons I took and I'm going to once again force myself to go work out. I need to get out and get the exercise, but I'll probably feel worse after with this damn cold.
Tomorrow night mom's going to be calling me to tell me about someplace in Florida she thinks I’d like living at. I hope it's just what I need and want. She also says she thinks she can fly me down sooner than January.
I wonder how my birthday will go this year. It seems Dec. 3rd the day before my birthday always brings me good luck. In '85 I moved out on my own. In '86 I got my license. What will happen this year?
11/3/1987 Tues. 12:17 PM
Yesterday when I was out, mom called and Kevin said a Karen W was to call me after noon which is anytime now to tell me what they have to offer. For some strange reason, I doubt this will be heaven. I think she’s trying to get me in some supervised halfway house or something. The last thing in the world I'm going to do is be a kid again on a point system with rules and restrictions where there's no way out. I sure hope there are no nuts in this place. Or males. If they say you can't smoke in certain areas or eat at certain times or want to know wherever you go, then I'll know it's Valleyhead all over again, a private “school” I attended from ages 16-18 that was total hell. I will not give up any of my freedom. If my parents have me walk into a trap again then I'll know I'm still not the perfect daughter they're looking for yet. Or maybe I'll just give in and let myself be fucked over yet again.
Yesterday I told Kevin to stay in my apartment while I took the car out by myself. I did fine except for the fact that I left the lights on and needed jumper cables. So a guy in the parking lot gave me a jump and sent me on my merry way.
11/8/1987 Sun. 7:18 PM
Today I woke up kind of bored so I called Mary and spent the day at her house. Her brother's a real bastard, and the nervous bastard (Kevin) ran out of gas today at Mary's. I’m not staying at Mary's for the night because John and her bastard brother Doug are going to be there tonight. I'll just go home and clean the apartment. And God knows it sure does need it, too. I'd like to catch up on my reading tonight and maybe study some Spanish. I've missed all my weekend shows, though.
I am home now and have cleaned up. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. I remember how picky and perfectly neat I used to be and I wish I could be that way again.
Right now I am watching a movie about these millionaires who committed murder. I think it's over in a few minutes. After the movie, I must take a bath, wash my hair, shave and brush my teeth. I may read later, too.
I wish to hell I didn’t have this driving phobia I’ve got and that I had my own car or could just move to Florida because I really can't stand Kevin. It's a bitch when the one you need around to use for transportation is a total asshole. No luck, I know, as far as him moving. Well, maybe his car will break down or get pulled from him with that rejection sticker he's had since April and I won’t give in to my temptation to call for a ride.
I was expecting ma to call tonight but I guess not. She did say this weekend, though. Maybe she's busy.
Mary's bastard brother tried to hit on me on the phone tonight. He said, "I have a heart in me and I know you have a heart too, and I know I can change your mind about men and make you happy."
No male is gonna “change my mind.” I want a woman. It’s what I’m attracted to.
11/9/1987 Mon. 7:40 PM
I am kind of in a bummed-out mood now. I feel a little tired and dizzy. I guess maybe it's time to get my eyes checked. I know I definitely don't want to wear glasses.
I think right now I'm going to take a bath and maybe listen to some music. I'm going to also watch the conclusion of that movie I said I saw last night.
Now for my good news. That Shannon C that I met at the gym called to tell me she knew 3 girls from STCC who are currently taking sign language classes and are very confused and need to be tutored. So I think I'll be tutoring them here at home. Great! Extra money. I miss using my signing, too.
Shannon also said she wants to move out into her own apartment so I gave her Larry's number. I wonder who will get my apartment and Nancy's?
Tomorrow night at about 6:00 Shannon will be dropping by for a visit.
Tomorrow I hope Kevin gets his goddamn car fixed. I need to go grocery shopping and buy guinea pig food, and I’d love to skip the buses.
I just finished watching the movie. That was a hell of a good movie.
Jenny called today. She told me about her job as a nurse’s aide.
The day after tomorrow I must appear in court. I’ve been charged with making prank phone calls. I sure hope they dismiss it, but fat chance! Maybe I just won't go.
11/10/1987 Tues. 3:56 PM
I am at Friendly's now. Kevin started off in his usual fucked up nervous mood, shaking and getting all argumentative. He totally trembles with nerves every other time I see him! I’ve never seen anything like it. Does this have to do with the concussion he was hospitalized with? You can really see the nervousness in his hands with the way his fingers curl and uncurl.
Soon, I’m going to Food Mart and maybe Brightwood in Longmeadow. I need to get guinea pig food, cedar chips and a few groceries.
Well, the fucking male just ran out of gas again for the 4th time. God, I'm sick of his shit! I wish they'd commit him to a fucking loony bin. He's a sicko! I hope the little nervous bastard eats shit and dies. People wonder why I'm gay? Then again, even if all guys were sweethearts, I’m attracted to women. Period.
I called Tammy, my sister who lives in CT, thinking tomorrow was court when it's really Thursday. I wonder if she'll drive up and go with me? She did ask for my lawyer's name and number, though. I guess she feels better being there and that I'll say the wrong thing if she's not. If she doesn't go I'll have Mary go, but not the little nervous bastard.
I'm still here in Friendly's drinking coffee till the little nervous bastard gets back from his favorite pastime - running to get gas. The fucking prick! Maybe he'll fall and break a leg. Someday someone's gonna do it for him if it isn't me. I'm so pissed off now. That little bastard's lucky I didn't fuck him up.
I need to change the pig's cage quite badly and vacuum.
Shannon came over and I think maybe she'll be my lucky break. I hope so. I sang for her and played my instruments and she said, "What are you doing sitting around here?"
She says she knows some people and that she's going to talk to some people about my singing. She says she knows some musicians and knows a girl who was talking about being an agent. She also says I may be her lucky break with the signing. She knows a few girls who need to be tutored. She and her sister are going to post that I'd like to teach signing on the bulletins at STCC.
We are going to be going to work out together from now on. She goes in this direction. That would be great. That way I don't have to go with the little nervous bastard and take the chance of either getting killed by his erratic driving or him running out of gas. She is to be calling me at around 2:00 or 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. I hope she has some good news. Around 4pm we'll be going to work out.
Too bad she can't move in here. She'd be the perfect roommate, but I guess she wants her own apartment.
I called the book club and they said I have some books coming from the Mystery Guild. The other two clubs show nothing.
Just got through speaking with Mary, Doug and Kevin. Doug said he'd never want to be in the same room with me for physical fear of me cutting his cock off, haha. Good for him.
Can't wait till I hear from Shannon and to get my books.
Tomorrow morning I'd like to go to the bank and then go to welfare and see if I qualify for food stamps. They'd be nice to have.
11/11/1987 Wed. 2:22 PM
I am now waiting for Shannon to call me. I hope she has some good news for me. I guess we are going to work out, too.
I hope I'll have good news myself for mom and dad the next time they call.
Shannon and her sister Doreen just left. We had a really nice visit till the fucking male bastard walked in and gave his usual story of Hartford. When I told them about Kevin's nervous disorder they laughed royally.
The prick male downstairs was in a huge fight with Mattie. I felt like going down and giving him a piece of my mind.
I don't know if Shannon's gonna move in. I hope so, though. She'd be a great roommate.
Tomorrow I've got to go to court for the stupid little baby pigs and watch them fall flat on their asses. Males! 90% of my problems in life are males. I gotta go call Mary and remind her. She better go with me tomorrow.
11/12/1987 Thurs. 5:38 PM
I did not go to sleep till 4:30 this morning and one hour later I woke at 5:30. I woke up nauseous then another hour later I woke up at 6:30 and puked. I guess I got the flu. I am going from hot to cold constantly.
I am now at Dunkin Donuts debating on whether or not to do my laundry. I really feel sick but I need to get the hell out.
11/14/1987 Sat. 10 PM
I still have the flu and probably will for a few more days. Yesterday all I did was go apply for food stamps and then I felt sicker than hell. It seems I go crazy from sitting in here but then when I go out it creeps up on me.
I am still wide awake with side effects from my medication. I'm gonna tell the doctor that either she changes the medication or I don't take it at all.
The bald eagle is here now and he helped me put up the hammock that Mary gave me.
I didn't get to sleep till 5:00 this morning or possibly later. I got up at 9:00 for an hour, then fell back asleep at 10:00 and woke up at noon when Tammy called telling me about her nutty mother-in-law. This woman really sounds like a real psycho.
11/19/1987 Thurs. 11:08 PM
I just finished my last cigarette. I want to quit. Maybe tomorrow morning I won't wheeze so badly because I've only had one since about 8:15.
Tomorrow I must go to State St. for that volunteer interview for signing. That's at 10:30.
Also tomorrow, Trisha rescheduled me for 1:00.
I hope I get some extra money soon so I can do Chanukah and Christmas shopping. I want to buy my own cards and do them in calligraphy.
I also want to buy a rod for the curtains I want to put up over the bars in the bathroom window.
11/23/1987 Mon. 6:29 PM
Well, today I slept very late again as usual. I was going to do my laundry tonight at 6:00 but Jenny called me at 5:00 and came over at 5:30 to get me and brought me to her new house. I helped her clean her bedroom floor.
I just went across the street to get Jenny and me some coffee.
Jenny's new house, although it is a rental, is quite nice. It's got 6 rooms and her bedroom is very big. It has marble floors and a sliding glass door with a porch. Lots of closets everywhere.
Right now she’s painting. She painted the walls purple and the woodwork white. So far she's pissed because Warren, the guy she’s renting it with, hasn't done anything yet as far as cleaning. I said, "That's a male for you." Males are slobs and hate to clean. They wouldn't clean unless their lives depended on it but probably not even then. Males suck!
Yesterday I went to see Tammy. She gave me a lot of food and some money. Tomorrow Nellie is going to pay me or she has a broken neck.
I am listening to Jenny's music. That is our only difference. She hates my music and I think her heavy metal sucks. The only thing we agree on is The Cars.
Last Friday was a bad day in therapy as Trisha came out and told me she was leaving. I balled my eyes out crying. She looked sad, too. She's got a new job in Connecticut closer to her house where she'll be working with teenagers. I'll really miss her and I'm going to hate to have to start my whole life story over again with a new therapist. Don't forget I've been seeing Trisha for a year and a half.
Mom and dad called yesterday while I was in the tub. They're coming home Wednesday to return to work. I can't wait. I missed them.