Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-09-05 22:40:25 (UTC)

how do you love yourself?

I guess it's a choice. It feels confusing and foreign. I read today that self-doubt is toxic. Well, if it is, I feel well-steeped in toxicity..?

But then I turn to this other thing I read about how your relationship with yourself colors your perception of everything. I actually thought on it for a moment and felt, yeah, that's true. But my relationship with myself feels clouded with doubt and past mistakes and my perception of me being un-prioritized just because it feels impossible to change.
I guess you could say that's why it feels so good for me to be in my room writing at the moment. Or just relaxing under covers. It feels like that's the space for depressed people to feel safe. I feel safe here and it feels good for my soul to be relaxing here.

And I feel like an act of self love would be recognizing that I need that space, and that it is okay to want nothing more than this feeling of home here.

it hurts me when I say that it's not okay to feel depressed. I feel like it's wrong to cater to that depression, as if tending to those soft parts make them softer than they need to be. I know I've come to believe that sad feelings are not okay because they weren't accepted living at home. And now I feel like I have to make things seem upbeat or keep distracting me with positive things just to keep the illusion of good feeling alive?

I just want to feel my feelings again.

I just want to feel okay with me, and know where I stand with myself, and be okay with that. Is that too much to ask?




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