inbetween

inbetween
2019-09-02 17:42:40 (UTC)

I have a looot of time to ..

I have a looot of time to myself these days, as I am on a jobhunt... Way too much time to think and ruminate - to think myself into a depression.

I've been wanting to use this time on things I didn't normally do while working full time. Like taking hikes while the weather is still nice, plan good meals, volunteer, try new types of exercise that my gym offers. Reading. Drawing. Going to the library. But something always seems to hold me back, and that is that I feel guilty for not being productive enough.

Being on the jobhunt is difficult in that way. Every second not spent looking for a new job, feels like a waste. The pressure I put on myself gives me anxiety. So when I do sit down to work on looking for job ads and writing application letters, I freeze. It's a simple enough task. It shouldn't be too difficult to organize. Spend a two or three hours each day and you can get a lot done. Keep lists and logs. But weeks have passed since my vacation ended and I have yet to actually send a single application. I need to get out of my own head and get down to business. Planning on a detailed level will help with concentration issues, and making goals that are easily reached so I feel less anxious. It's not really about the rest of my future. It's just to find something I want to do now, and get an income.

Ahh, if I can just get my shit together and stop wasting time and savings on hiding from the reality of my situation. I feel a lot of shame as well, which makes it hard to spend time with friends.. YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE A GROWNUP! YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE! YOU'VE GOT THIS!

Haha, anyways.. Back to what I started this entry with.

I want to spend this time wisely with nourishing activities, not waste it on sleeping and watching stuff on netflix. Actually, I'm gonna cancel my subscription now! All this time is not just a financial disadvantage - it's also a blessing, a chance for me to explore things that brings me passion, something I've been missing these last couple of years. Normal people don't have this much open time in their hectic schedules. What am I doing wasting mine?




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