Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2019-09-02 20:17:46 (UTC)

Splash Of Grey II

I have been in a very dark state of mind a little over a week now. I perhaps had that "splash of grey" I mentioned in my previous entry.

I found out that people get a little ticked off when you don't say "good morning" back to them. Well, it's never a good morning for me -- my husband just died. Not that this person necessarily knew this. I'm also sick of people asking me how I'm doing and I have to lie and say "good." Because, like, they really give a shit! Nonetheless, I will start responding, saying "Good morning," back, even though it's a lie for me and I will continue lying with my "good's" or slightly less of a lie with "okay." I love how depressing my tone of voice is, anyways, no matter what words I use!

Doing those things will make things easier for everyone, I suppose, myself included.

This was just a tangent, but it was one thing I learned.

The next piece of information was my "splash of grey."

I found out that my crush, the one who reminds me of my husband -- moved to another state with his wife and kids. To be very clear, from stuff he said, I thought they were divorced. Plus, he always complained about her. Nonetheless, I am very happy for him -- more happy for him, than hurt for myself -- I think.

The hope of seeing him again drove me crazy. Now, I know I won't. I won't be looking for him just at my restaurant (he's ordered food there a couple times since he left) or at the library (I know this one is a little crazier! Lol. Walking around the library, hoping I'd run into him! Lol.). I miss him, but I'm happy for him. It gives me closure and peace. I can actually move on now!

I don't expect to be real happy tomorrow, but maybe my blackened world can slowly turn greyer and greyer. One day there may be colours again. Like that movie Pleasantville. That would be having love again... that's too big of a hope for my heart to handle.

Though, what exactly was I hoping for with said dude I just wrote about?!? Well, friendship, at the very least.

Well, my laundry's done and there's a David Dobrik video out. Yay. He's a cutie!


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