Christopher Mel

The Mirror
2019-08-28 02:40:17 (UTC)

Shaken Bottle (Part 2)

((Continued exactly where I left off because of an apparent TEXT LIMIT on entries...where the fuck was I?))
And with that in mind it makes me wonder I should care about the random judgments of people who don’t know anything about me let alone even matter in my life? What is this, high school? What exactly do I need you for, again? Oh right, I don’t. And some women seem to get all bent out of shape the instant they see me: “why isn’t Chris going along with my phoniness and artificial bullshit?” Answered your own question, moron. In most cases, I treat females exactly how they treat me, but this bizarre occurrence happens where they play dazed and confused- hurt if you will. What is this? How they are incapable of understanding? Is it because of limited brain capacity, entitlement, lack of social awareness, stupidity, narcissism, or sheer vindictiveness? In any case it falls entirely on them, and can be seen as a problem of their own making. I literally don’t have to do anything for, or around, or with you. I like being me, and I’m not changing for shit. In any case, you’ll be triggered about what I’m saying about women here, but if it’s not me it’s someone else. Or if it’s not someone else it’ll be something else. You’ll always have something to be miserable about so it’s really not about me, is it? Perhaps the problem lies within? Hah, that sounds like a lot of mental effort, I know. Easier to just ‘default’ to your usual selves and shit on everything around you rather than analyze your own way of life.

Jeez, this was originally 4 times as long. I was going to go in depth about human nature and all kinds of bullshit but who cares? It’s like complaining about a sloth being slow. Women are who they are. People are what they are. Also I began to feel like I was nitpicking a mentally handicapped child breaking down all the minor idiosyncrasies of women and began to feel like an asshole so I figure I’d give it a rest. This journal post was meant to vent, not change anything. And funny thing about change. Everything I’m typing here were things I’ve observed and wanted to point out for 15-20 years, so essentially I could have written this 15-20 years ago and it would STILL apply today. But that’s when I was forced to accept the reality that people don’t change. It was different back then; because we were young and stupid kids and teenagers, I assumed most of these annoying phases were just that. But then people got older, went into the working world, acquiring more experiences and responsibilities and hardships, but it seems some of the childish behavior and self-destructive quirks that some had as children carried over into adulthood, and became annoying to have to encounter when some people have already moved on with their lives. But I had to remember that not everyone is on the same level and everyone has their own shit they’re going through. See how I am now? I was the complete opposite many, many years ago. I was a complete monster. If you spoke to me a certain way, or disrespected me in the slightest I most likely would have said or done something on the spot to end that right then and there. I was angry all the time, acting out. Oh yeah I fucking HATED females back then. I would knock you out the way, if you did any of the shit now that you did to me back then, I probably would have spit at you. I would slam doors behind me if I saw a female coming. In college I was just waiting for a female to say something to me so I could snap at them. I was at 0 level tolerance. All the indifference and hostility they had shown me my whole life, I had reflected and amplified 100 fold. I didn’t trust you. How could I? I could never open myself up to a female again. All the ones that did seem nice ended up doing the same thing the others did, so I was done. In my mind, I was trying to solve my own problems by protecting myself so I pushed them away to keep myself from hurt. Constantly being told by them in some way shape or form that I wasn’t good enough, which led to self-esteem issues, which led to bad grades. It was just a slippery slope of bullshit.
And everything I just said was 100% my fault. I’m not going to sit here and blame women for any of that. I decided to let things get to me. I took it upon myself to let things degrade to that level. I may as well take accountability and own up to my shit rather than blaming an entire gender for my own failures like some feminists would do. No one puts a gun to our heads and makes us do shit. Own up to your shit. Grow up. We have to face the consequences of our actions. I know I did. In any case, that was a long time ago. It’s almost cringy to say I hated women...when you get older, none of that matters. I just want to live my life and enjoy it. It takes too much mental effort to actually hate someone. Also, that would imply that they mattered enough in your life to trigger such an emotion in you to begin with. I don’t have time to hate anybody. Waste of time. It tooks years to reach the state I’m in now; walking with my head held high, confident, positive demeanor. Took years of self-improvement to reach the state of being I’m in now, which is why I continued to stray my thoughts away from women, and continue on improving my life and preparing for a future. I had to surround myself with positive energy, or create my own if there was none in my surroundings. Although I must admit females didn’t make it easy, even when I made an effort to avoid them they always found a way to try and ‘insert’ themselves into my presence, via way of hostility, almost every time. Okay, an example would be when I was taking my brother to a restaurant, and as we went to sit down at a table(I don’t know why the servers insist on sitting you down right NEXT to another group especially when it’s crowded and hard to get through) and one of the women in this group of females -who were leaving anyway- started making a bunch of noise because he was looking at her as we were taking our coats off to sit down. “Why is this boy lookin’ at me?! I don’t feel comfortable with him here!” Blah, blah, some victim diatribe. I calmly turned to her and said: “He has autism, he probably didn’t mean anything and he isn’t doing anything to you…” I wanted to say a lot more than that but I didn’t want to make a scene in front of my brother because he’s sensitive to aggression and her BIG MOUTH was only going to trigger a tantrum if she kept going. When they looked at him they THEN realized he had autism and looking like complete shit apologized and left the restaurant super quiet, with everyone looking at her like an asshole. All that noise for 5 minutes for what? Because some male looked at you? You had a chip on your shoulder so you decided to scream randomly at a challenged person? Did that make your miserable life less miserable? And even if he was looking at you….so what? Why is that a fucking problem? Did you really try to oppose someone’s freedom of what they can do with their own body because of your victim-complex? Are you that entitled? Apparently you are. It’s no different than you trying to get ‘manspreading’ laws passed. And with all the suffering in the world THAT is what you choose to fight for? Fuck is wrong with you? Why do you women make a big deal over trivial shit like that? You’re in a bad mood, so scream at people, bitch and moan and complain about everything everyone else is doing with that look of rage, bitterness and self-righteous indignation because YOU feel YOU’RE the victim. Make everything about you and bring misery and negativity to the environment around you. And then if anyone calls you out on your shitty behavior play the predictable and stereotypical role of the victim and blame your shitty problem solving or coping skills on the nearest male or scapegoat. Yeah, that childish nonsense is being called out for what it is. Same thing when I noticed someone had a cool marvel shirt so I complemented ‘the shirt’, not them, because it was a female: and all of a sudden it was world war 3. All this attitude and pointless theatrics for nothing. Nice shirt. What? I would’ve said the same thing if you were a guy. I can’t make a comment on a stupid fucking shirt? And that’s what I’m talking about. Why is every interaction with you females such an ordeal? Couldn’t just say thanks like a normal person or just say nothing and just move along. Had to stand there and act out an entire emotionally based melodrama about it. One of the points I was making in bringing up that little backstory is that people act this way because they are in some point in their lives where they’re going through some sort of internal struggle. Mentally, financially, whatever. Everyone goes through shit and everyone is going to be at different levels of emotional stability, hence why I mentioned figuring things out at your own time and your own pace. But, the things I mentioned? Making a scene in public because you have a grudge against men, or in a bad mood, or making grandiose gestures of superiority to inflate your own ego as compensation for your insecurities, or generally finding reasons to be a douche- what does that really accomplish? All you did was make yourself look like an asshole, and to be honest: nobody cares what you’re going through at that point, especially when you come across as a piece of shit as a person. I can sit here and be sympathetic for you and your plight, and say I understand why you women do what you do and why you are the way you are, but I won’t. Why? Because I don’t care. And I can sound like a hardass about it and be as unsympathetic as possible because I’ve been there; done that. It accomplishes nothing. Because when I was going through my little emo-hate-everything phase and acting out. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody gave any understanding or reasoning. Why should they? They didn’t owe me anything. I was being a dick, and I could’ve handled my situation better. WE could’ve handled our situations better, but we didn’t...we wanted to show the world how MAD we were at - insert group of people or system we were unhappy with - Yeah, nobody gives a shit. So no, I don’t owe you any sympathy or understanding. Figure your shit out on your own, like I did. I was lucky, because I had a support network, but I chose to go it alone and I overcame my ‘personal hell’. And it felt damned good, too. Kicking life’s ass, and finding my path to happiness. I did it, and so can you. Walking around, pouting like a child, acting out for trivial incidences, black women giving dirty looks to every black man they see and waiting to scream in some bitter tirade fueled by some past experiences as if those men were directly responsible, screaming at mentally challenged people, bitching at coworkers because you’re unhappy with your own life, fighting with old people and pregnant woman over bus/train seats and job promotional opportunities(so much for women sticking’ll turn on each other real quick when the situation arises it seems…) And all for what? You feel better letting people have it? You showed the world how big and bad and strong you are and how you won’t tolerate the world’s shit. But now you’re home alone and you’re still pissed off. Are you happy after doing all that? Acting out? Did it make your problems go away? What exactly did you accomplish? Now people think you’re an asshole or at the very least someone who is incapable of controlling their emotions. Some of you like to wear your bitterness, misery, and other negative emotions on your sleeves like a badge of honor. Who are you trying to impress? All you did was make yourself more miserable by cementing your position into your own personal hell which you’ve made for yourself. No one has to live with you, but you get to live with yourself every day so it’s really like punishing yourself and ONLY yourself. And no one cares that you’re suffering since you handled your shit so poorly. Are you proud about letting life get to you like that? About being psychologically inept at solving your own issues? Sort your life out. If you have time to bark at others about what you felt should have been then you have time to change yourself, because that’s where change starts to begin with. Also, YOU are responsible for your happiness. It’s your job. You owe it to yourself, because NO ONE else will and NO ONE owes you anything. The result of pushing others away, giving people shit and burning bridges is an empty finish line. Then when you finally accomplish what you sought out to do, emotionally, physically, financially, or what have you, you’ll find yourself spending the following years justifying or coming to terms with reaping the rewards and newly found personal gains alone, which, again, was a direct result of your own actions. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself(though I’m sure it won’t stop you from trying to lay the blame on others...gotta salvage that ego somehow).Like I mentioned earlier, even when women have every blessing they could think of in their lives they’ll still find something to be unhappy about. That’s a you problem, so don’t go blaming your lack of happiness on someone else, or the ‘patriarchy’, or whatever scapegoat you come up with as a result of your incapability or lack of willpower to solve internal issues or way of life. Figure your shit out on your own time, at your own pace, because everyone is different, and everyone will be at different places in their lives. But know this, that life will not slow down and stop for you while you ‘catch up’. No one has to stop and understand you when you’re acting out. At some point you have to grow up and realize “this strategy isn’t working anymore. It’s time to do something life-changing.” Know that life doesn’t revolve around me, or you, or anyone else just because we think we’ve ‘suffered’. This is something everyone needs to learn real quick. World doesn’t owe us shit, so cut the crap and grow the fuck up. Get off your sense of entitlement and victimization. I had to learn it. You should also, for the sake of personal growth as an individual. We must make ourselves more powerful than before.

Anyway, going back to what I originally said about ‘change’. The advice I received was that “people don’t change”, which, I thought was TERRIBLE because it implied a person can never improve. I refused to believe it because I felt: “if you can’t learn or improve from your mistakes then what’s the point of living?” But, as it turns out, that was the reality; one I was forced to accept. After years of the ‘same old’ I came to realize that people really don’t change. They always “return to their center”, or that’s how I was told. This holds true. I started off happy-go-lucky despite you females always attempting to psychologically ‘attack’ me, then went thru stupid emo phase, then evened back out to how I am now. Some people are always positive, and some people are always shitty. Whenever they say “money changes people”. That’s not exactly true. Those people who you see acting all flamboyantly once they become rich and famous were ALWAYS like that, or at least always had that potential. It’s just that back in their humble beginnings they didn’t have the money or resources to act on it. But once they did, their ‘final form’ began to emerge more prominently. They were always going to be that way the minute they had access to resources.

Following up the point about lack of change, it was my fault for expecting females to behave any differently after the past 20 years. That was on me, and life didn’t revolve around what I THOUGHT life or people should be like, so I had to get that jammed into my skull, the same way others do. I just had to accept that you are you, all the good(lol), bad, and everything shitty inbetween. I had to accept that everything you do is within your nature, so it would be like complaining in great detail about why a skunk smells. Who cares? It just is and you avoid it and move along with your life. I got a name for some of you…’black hole’. It’s a term for those considered ‘irredeemable status’; that is, a gravitational force so great it sucks in all the light surrounding it leaving only darkness and nothing but a fruitless, empty void. And that’s how I see you. So while you may not be able to change others you can change yourself and change how you react to them, so in the method of maintaining my own happiness and peace of mind I’m just going to go ahead and continue avoiding you like I’ve been doing. I see no joy or benefit in jumping into shark-infested waters simply because people are saying “the water’s nice”. Then when worse case scenario occurs you’ll do what? Play dumb and surprised? Play the victim like you never expected such a thing to occur? Why not just use common sense and avoid all the trouble? There’s literally nothing in this for me, since I don’t want anything from you. Accept reality. Be you, and I’ll be me, and we’ll continue to go our separate ways, as we’ve been doing.

It never really occurred to me, but going back to the ‘hey little black boy’ incident, it would correspond or at least explain at least some of the second class treatment throughout the years. In most cases the instances are ongoing, daily occurrences. Instances like receiving more scrutiny and being told things that white counterparts would not have, at least not to the same degree for doing things that weren’t really wrongdoings in the first place. When in a managerial positions they’ll “go over your head”(got me doing the Joe Pesci voice) like you’re an irrelevant piece of shit. Talk down to you like a child or a dog. I had one female co-worker literally treat me like a fucking dog and pet me. Then call out to me like one, every day. Not ONCE acknowledge me by my actual name. If I go to turn on a stereo: “No rap please!” Why do you instinctively assume I’m going to put that on? I literally have hours of all types of shit from video game music to reggae to old school rock. But you only think and see what you want. And, I don’t really care what others think of me. People are entitled to feel what they want, but it’s different when people’s thoughts translate into real world actions. That is, something tangible, something that can be seen and proven. And people treat you how they see you. So if they treat you as nothing then that’s what they think of you and they made the ACTUAL EFFORT to display that. I could care less what some asshole who doesn’t know me thinks about me, but if you’re going through the trouble to cause hostility no matter how passive-aggressively you’re doing it then I’m not going to play it off. I’m going to call you out on it, because in reality I never really did SHIT to you. You just decided to be an asshole just for the sake of being one. How come YOU don’t have to be responsible for your shit? And then when you call them out on it they play the victim or make it seem like you’re being hostile. Don’t backpedal; stand up to your own vomit. You were so self-righteous and indignant in your ways moments ago but don’t want your unprovoked bias to be brought to light, huh? You literally, physically made the effort to show your disdain about something. Obviously YOU have a problem, like something was done to you. But then ‘nothing’s wrong’ when questioned like an adult about it? And I’m always put in a situation where I have to EXPLAIN myself, or my position, in why I’m doing things the way I’m doing them. I don’t owe you an explanation, and if you have time to scrutinize and watch me then you’re not very busy doing your own job. So stop focusing on me and do your own fucking work, thanks. They’ll leave you out of important conversations, but will include you only when there’s something bad or something that requires shit work. Dismissive about issues that may affect YOU: Once the conversation of hostility between cops and black men came up and this woman just blurts out: “Did it happen to you? Well then it’s ‘not your problem’. (I HATE this logic. It’s why most problems in the world NEVER get solved, let alone addressed) It was a passive way of saying STFU. But then later that evening she’s talking about two kids hitting or play fighting (one was a boy and the other was a girl) and she says “it’s not okay for HIM to hit you, he could abuse or RAPE you one day” (They’re fucking kids, mind you) or something to that effect. Wait a minute? Why is the little boy automatically assumed to be a future abuser or rapist? You got his life all figured out, huh? And why do you care if she gets abused or raped? According to your own stupid fucking logic: “It didn’t happen to you, so why do you care?” That’s what you told me when I made the slightest comment about black issues. But you can be so angry and indignant and fight tooth and nail for women’s issues, because you’re a woman, and you feel no one can tell you anything, but in a disgusting, condescending manner tell me that I can’t care about issues that affect black men, even when I’m black? Just because it didn’t happen to me, doesn’t mean that I don’t care when it happens to someone else. What kind of fucking monster are you? Apathy enables evil. If you don’t give a shit nothing changes. Imagine if I had that same dismissive attitude towards women’s issues and told her that even though she is a WOMAN, she shouldn’t care about issues that affect WOMEN, even though these instances never happened to her. She would be enraged at the audacity for me even assuming to tell her anything of the sort. You women wouldn’t have it, and understandably so. So, showing the same fucking RESPECT, DO NOT TELL ME -EVER- WHAT ISSUES I CAN OR CANNOT give a shit about. Also, how are you going to tell someone what to feel? Disgusting, entitled woman. People show you exactly where they stand with you. And how quickly they showed their anger on the issue made it abundantly clear. I have to once again shut the fuck up for THEIR sake. Fuck you. My respect never dropped so quickly for another human being. What was conveyed to me is that: “only white women’s issues matter, and even if the world is cast into flames nothing matters as long as women’s issues get taken seriously and NO ONE ELSE’S. Fuck everyone else’s problems. I’m more important. Everyone else is just ‘playing the victim card’”. And of course, if any male exercise that same mentality we’d be considered ‘sexist’. Yeah, no, that’s not how life works. Go fuck yourself. Like a spoiled child trying to throw tantrums and using ad hominems to get their way and enforce their agendas and ONLY THEIR AGENDAS using millennial terminology to make themselves seem less of the entitled, spoiled, disrespectful, intolerant, apathetic human beings they really are. But hey! If you call out others first then that automatically makes you the good guy, right?

Anyway, back to the second class citizen experiences: Even customers; they’ll ask my coworkers for anything FIRST even when I’m standing right there because they assume I won’t know anything or just feel so uncomfortable around the presence of someone who has an appearance different from their own. “Oh no, I have to co-exist with a NIGGER! So frightening! My perfect privileged life devoid of inconveniences and actual problems became sooo hard to cope with now. I’m going to pull a 180 degree from my usual smiles and pleasantries I engaged in with my own kind and suddenly become visibly indignant and serious looking the instant they come into my view. Perhaps decide to suddenly grab my child, purse, finish my food, or whatever I was engaged in and suddenly decide to walk or drive away the moment I see one of ‘them’ enter the vicinity as protest to their presence and how uncomfortable they make me. Even if they’re minding their own business. Perhaps I’ll stare at them with silent looks of judgment, disapproval, concern, or curiosity, like examining animals in a zoo, to see if they match up to our already preconceived notions about them. Wait! This one doesn’t seem so bad! Perhaps I’ll pretend to be a civilized human being to them. Feigned, forced pleasantries- they won’t notice. They don’t have self-awareness or human emotions like we do. We listen to everything the media says, and if the media claims to know everything about their kind then we do to! They clearly are of one a single hive mind, and don’t possess individual opinions or goals. They must all instinctively hate us in the same way we’re instinctively afraid of them! Placate them, as not to incur their wrath. Don’t want them shooting up the place. Play nice, not out of politeness, courtesy, or affability as a person, but rather to maintain a level of peace in which it will be possible to curb our own fears. Oh no...perhaps I played the act too well...this one is trying to engage me as a human being. Disgusting. It makes me so uncomfortable, when someone whom society resents and sees as a threat tries to talk to me. Even though they said a simple ‘hello’, that means they probably want to rape or eat me. You never know with these savages. Perhaps if they were a famous sports player, I could over-look their genetic disposition enough to actually see them as enough of a person(or at least one of us) to consider dating or marrying them. There may be negative stigma, and I may have to give myself to this threatening thing, but with their mansions and millions it will ensure that my offspring are well taken care of, so in the end it would be worth the sacrifice. But this thing? Trying to engage with me? I’m going to run away before they can start a conversation. Make sure to placate them with fake smiles and pleasantries as not make it blatantly obvious as I’m already making it seem that I’m running away from them. If they get offended they could beat or rape me! In PUBLIC no less! I must flee!”
What’s wrong? You mad yet? Feeling offended? Does that seem racist? Judgmental? Sexist? What? You don’t like being being analyzed, scrutinized, and being judged, having your entire existence neatly prepackaged and assumed by a complete stranger? How everything you ever accomplished, dreamed or felt, discarded and replaced by a single moment of your worst side of yourself? And through no fault of your own other than being born different? Who am I sounding like? Hmm? You’re offended, but who am I mimicking? Yes, this is basically you. It’s a caricature of YOU. Everything I said; every word, every example, was used intentionally. And you’ll never realize it since you’re so entitled and always the ones dishing out the judgment to others so now you’re offended because you get to see a clear example of what you are. Doesn’t feel too good being on the receiving end, does it? Now imagine being forced to endure this ALL THE TIME, all the while having others demean or dismiss you or expect you to play it off like YOU are the fucking burden, or even better, show DISDAIN for you having the AUDACITY to protest second class treatment. Just shut up and remain subjugated mental slaves to maintain the illusion of comfort for OTHERS so they don’t have to deal with the reality of how biased they really are. Oh, but you’re offended? I’m mirroring YOU, dolts. I decided to give ya a little cheat sheet since I’m sure most of what I said would go right over people’s heads. Because even when it’s blatantly obvious it’s still not enough to get passed the human ego. After all no one can do any wrong but they can point out the flaws in others. Right back at ya. Now do what you always do, say it’s ‘in your head’, play the victim, act angry, DEFLECT, anything to avoid the blatantly obvious so you can maintain the illusion that you’re good, cultured people. Go ahead. That may work on lower IQ individuals but that ‘convenient’ blind, deaf and dumb routine won’t work with me. You can play the victim till the cows come home. Go fuck yourself.

And that’s the side of the story you DIDN’T want to hear. So no, you’re not STUCK on this planet with us. We’re STUCK with you.

Probably ties into the fake smiles and pleasantries as they’re blatantly high-tail it whenever I’m trying to convey something or simply try to engage. No, it’s not just ‘in your head’ when you’ve made the physical effort to be as blatantly obvious as possible. It would take a moron not to notice but an even bigger one to expect me not to notice...unless that was the intention, thus revealing what that says about you as a person. Then there’s the purse-grabbing. I mentioned this before. It’s almost instinctive. Again, this could be at work where I’m in UNIFORM. Not like I’m by myself wearing a hoodie walking down the street or whatever excuse you people would use to justify your bias at night. It’s clear as day, but I have to smile and play dumb and go along with it for the sake of conformity and making others ‘comfortable’, even when no effort on their part is to reciprocate that basic courtesy. Once I almost made 30 ‘grabs’ in a month. Let’s see if I can break that record! Of course it won’t really require much effort on my part at all other than simply existing, so I can’t really see it as an accomplishment. Haha!

As far as the perpetual victims go, women are great at playing the role. (Even though they get mad when we do or protest ANYTHING regarding mistreatment) Especially the privileged American ones. I can't help think about feminism when I talk about this. Career victims at best. National Organization of Women seems to be at odds with Men's rights organizations constantly. They don't really accomplish anything groundbreaking. They bring up a lot of self-awareness issues but that's far as it goes. Yes domestic abuse against women is high, but murder rates of men among men are astronomically higher across the board. It's all bad. For an issue to be resolved, first step is acknowledgement, second step is actually giving a shit to do something about it. But you see, this is where humanity fails. Thanks to good ol' human nature, step 2 is never achieved. Hell, in most cases, step 1 isn't even acknowledged, because people are full of shit and don't want to see past what goes on in their own sheltered, gated neighborhood(even though it won't stop them from judging everything else in the world they know nothing about personally). These fems and sjw's fail to take into account intersectionality, on occasion. The result, is instances, for example, with the reaction to the Sandra Bland incident. Remember that? Where was the public outcry there? The one time you had legit cause to make the biggest noise and you kept your fucking mouths shut when it mattered. Guess when an issue directly affects YOU do you only then care enough to spread your voice. Screw everything else, then. Right? But then again, that’s everybody, though. Chalk it up to human nature. And I’m nowhere near a saint or perfect, but being around some groups of people it’s like it really doesn’t matter either way. It’s always everyone else’s fault. They get to say and do weird, dysfunctional, rude and hypocritical shit then try to spin it around and act like you were the one who did it, or caused them to do it. No accountability. Never any self-realization. Maybe it just takes a level of mental and psychological intelligence, awareness or stability that they either don’t have or make the effort to muster(because they feel they’re never wrong or always the ones being wronged) to be able to recognize flaws in their own doings. They just repeat the same strategy over and over again, even when it obviously isn’t accomplishing anything, then can’t seem to figure out why they’re so miserable. -whoosh-
((Continued on part 3, this really kills the buzz. Fuck this text limit. It's a diary entry ffs))