To Reward or Ruin
It’s been three years. I don’t know even how to start this conversation, but I know it’s desperately needed. Three years that have been a long road. No matter how many times I’ve tried to have this conversation I just can’t bring myself to do it. When I get to the point that I think that I can, something happens, and it just seems like it’s never meant to be. These last few days since I put the Prodigal out, I can’t stop thinking. Three years. That’s how long it’s been. How long I’ve done girlfriend/wife stuff for you and all without a title or any seeming hope to end it. I had to stop lying to myself. You were really the one that got away. My one and only regret that when you asked me, I didn’t walk away and go with you. I regret what I said that day. I never stopped dreaming that it might be something that came true.
I thought that about the Prodigal until I saw what he had become over the years. I had hoped that it would be different and that it was finally my turn. Yet, every time something happened, I turned to you. I went running back to you. I endured the looks and the chastising (rightfully deserved) that I was making a mistake. I was. It wasn’t you. I keep standing each and everyone of them against you. They have to measure up and each time they don’t because they aren’t you. Hell, the Prodigal made me appreciate you so much more. You told me I was ‘family’. A third cousin a half dozen times removed basically but at the same time I get the business end of an actual relationship. I’m so terrified if I have this talk with you all the things you have come to mean to me once more will be gone. I want my happily ever after and I want it with you.
You don’t care about my money. You don’t care about my nerdiness. You don’t care that I work far too much. Well not like in the selfish way. You actually care about me. Even if you don’t always say it. I do see it. You care when I stupidly want to do something for myself and tell me when I’m crazy because I do something stupid like I did with the Prodigal. Like school. I still want to go back, but stupidly put it on hold for him because I was led to believe that I had finally had it. The missing piece to my life. While I don’t need someone in my life, I want someone. I want it to be you and Gods know that I would love to be able to get over my fear and just say it. It scares me how natural things are between us when we’re together. Like it was meant to be. We love the same things only in different ways. I want nothing more than to make your life better, but I want to be at your side when I do.
I want to openly say that you’re the love of my life. You’re what I want most in this world. Take that final step. I want to do nothing more. I can see that finally be my happily ever after since neither of us are in a hurry. Slowly the world is changing for the both of us and I don’t want it to change so much that we become strangers again. I have until Monday to figure out how to have this conversation and I’m still terrified it’s going to go south. You and The Rock are the two constants in my life that haven’t changed up on me. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Or I have to learn to put distance between us to save my sanity, my heart, and my soul. I have to keep the faith but it’s getting harder. Time will tell.