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2019-08-06 18:14:56 (UTC)

The Road Keeps Going and Hope Remains

It’s been a bit since I was writing, and I really need to start doing it more often. I just haven’t had the drive to with everything that’s going on. I have had to do some more digging into my head once more. It wasn’t pretty what I turned up. It got pretty ugly really. One thing that I had to come to terms with is that I took a hard look at things with the Prodigal since everything started going sideways. I had ignored red flags once more and I should have known better. I have been kicking my own ass now that I see clearly. I should have known when he started talking to me. He had someone else at the time and instead of breaking that off, he kept it going. Plenty of excuses to go with it and I stupidly let them slide. Now that I look back, they were pathetic. Apart from certain extenuating circumstances (The Ogre) I have always ended something before starting something else. I was honest about why things were ending, and I was honest with both parties. I never once thought that The Prodigal would do that to me, but that’s exactly what it was. He kept things going with her far longer than it should have gone on. That disrespected both of us. Her and I actually. The excuses were pathetic. There was no excuse nor reason for that to happen. Even after, he still insisted on speaking of it. I finally saw it for what it was. I started putting distance between us. I do not want that in my life ever again. I refuse to tolerate it. Then the narcissistic tendencies that began to show themselves further proved what I was seeing. Now I am not hurt. Normally I would be. I’m actually angry. Angry at myself for allowing myself to be in that position once more. So that road has ended. Even more angry when he began stealing from me. Putting me in a position where I feel like I’m only here to pay the bills. I’m only here to pay his way. I WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THAT IN MY OWN HOME.

What it did instead has opened my eyes fully to what I do want in a partner. The Knight. Strange and ironic as it is to say, I had to admit it. The thing is that the talk that needs to happen will have to wait until situation of his changes. For the most part here’s what I learned. He has his own place and I have mine. That means no jumping into moving in together immediately. That has ended in disaster. This last visit reminded me of how dangerous things are. It was too natural once more. When I used to go to his place for a couple of days, it was scary how natural everything was. Cleaning his place while he was at work and even cooking dinner to have it ready when he walked in the door. Sitting and eating while talking about our day. Chatting, gaming, laughing, and so forth until it was bed time. Sleeping together and being in a safe, comfortable place where I had no worries. He does make me feel safe. Perhaps one of the few times that I do. There are reasons for that but I’m not going into them right now. We enjoy a lot of the same things even if in some cases it’s different expressions. We can talk about anything in the world including the deep stuff that even I can’t bring myself to talk about with anyone else except the Rock (not Dwayne Johnson but could be pretty close). He makes me want to be a better person. He cheers me on when I have something I want to do. He makes me smile when I’m sad. He’s a best friend and so much more. He works hard and yeah, he borrowed from me in the past, but honestly, I would expect that if we were together. Helping each other. When the time comes, I will most likely have a conversation with him so that I know for my own peace of mind. I guess you could say that for the first time I plan to be assertive for a change. To reward or ruin. I just know this time around it won’t be ugly like it had been in the past. I have to hope anyway.

Hanging out more with The Pagan has been interesting. We share a lot of the same thoughts on things, but at the same time he is learning from me and in doing so I’m teaching myself quite a bit as well. It’s been strange for me to talk with him about things and learn much more about me. If anyone has read this much, it’s easy to know how I feel about myself. Even learning things as I am, it doesn’t change that much but it has put my feet on new roads in my head. My head is the place that not many get to walk fully because the dark places could scare too many. It has woken me up to quite a bit. There’s no telling where that road will go, but I am glad to be walking it and made a new friend. The road will go where it will, but it’s just assured me that I have the right people around me and given time, my tribe is finding me.

While I’m over the Prodigal, I don’t even want to bother with closure. I’m just best served to leave it be and go on with my life. I have had my eyes opened to other things. Of course, there’s the Knight, the Pagan, and even the Rock. The Rock had to just throw a brick at my head. Not literally mind you but could have been close enough. The Rock, My Rock, that has been there for me through every dark night that I’ve ever had, just had to go and do it. Put thoughts in my head that I thought were dead. It reminded me of one of my greatest fears. Aside from my dad, The Rock has always been there. Stood up to the Ogre for me, he’s had my back, yanked knots in my tail when I needed it, and been the closest that I’ve had to a big brother than I’ve ever had. Crossing that last line wasn’t even thought of, especially because after all the long-standing guys that I’ve tried to be with that ended horribly I can be honest enough to say that I’m gun shy. The Hermit, The Lion, and The Prodigal. I tried so hard to believe that they could be different, but they weren’t. All exactly the same in some form or fashion. All just ended up breaking my heart even though they swore they knew what not to do, that they were different. Just casts of each other. The Rock on the other hand has been the one mainstay that I could always rely on. I’m terrified of crossing that line. I fear that if I do, once more it will end ugly and I will lose the last vestige of stability in my life. I can’t say how many times I cried on his shoulder. How many times he was there for me and helped me hold my sword when I couldn’t lift it anymore. He knows me far better than anyone in my life. He could read my mind with a simple look from me. He could tell you exactly what I’m thinking just how I look at something. I’m just terrified to lose that though. We’ve been asked through the years why haven’t we? For me, it’s exactly that. That terror that I would lose the last thing I hold dear to my world outside of my kids. I’ve come to cling to the little family I have left. And to lose that one would be devastating.

The Rock had said that it was the awkward that was the issue. I could get past that easily enough. It’s the fear that I would lose it all and I’ve lost enough that I couldn’t do it. I would do anything for him if he asked me because I know how much we’ve had each other’s backs. The thing is it would have to be incredibly slow. It would take a lot of work. It would have to be a long-standing road of baby steps. A lot of communication. And I won’t lie, I would need a LOT of reassuring. As each one falls, more and more I keep thinking I’m the reason why things fall apart and I can hear a hundred times that it’s not, but I can’t help it. I know that a lot of it isn’t me, but sometimes I still have that creep over me. Yet, I was honest enough to say that if that was something that came to pass, it is what it is. In fairness though I want to give things with the Knight an honest go when the time presents itself. Granted I am not just waiting for things to happen, but at the same time I owe that much to myself to know. Once I do I can choose what road to follow.

I haven’t heard about the new job yet, but I still keep hoping. I also keep looking. I am far from done looking. I will hopefully find something, until then I will keep doing what I’m doing. It’s not my boss but I’m feeling closed in once more. I might even go so far as saying burnt out with the hours that I keep. Not to mention getting called in nearly all the time at the drop of a hat. I wish I could afford to take a vacation but that’s not likely for a while. So, I’ll soldier through and get through it. I’ll either find something else or when I have the chance, I plan to do just that. Take an extended vacation when I have the funds for it.

Time for a nap though. I have an overnight tonight and my daughter is due here sometime this morning and I want to visit with her for a while, while she’s here. Makes for a long day but totally worth it. I can grab a nap later this afternoon. Well gentle reader, it is that time again. A wish and prayer as the road continues on. I continue to follow it where it leads. Strange that the one person that should be all out of hope and rage at the world still has a little left for herself. I guess that’s something for my world.