Ad 2:
2019-07-22 18:13:22 (UTC)


I don’t think that it will cease to amaze me how things come full circle. It took me a while but I’m seeing it. Seeing what you ask? Everything my friends have been telling me for the last month of so. It came from a place I never knew I had. A place of rage that I had not touched in quite some time. Yet, here I am again exposing my feelings once more. I really do miss doing this because it gets things out of my system before they blow, but recently the Prodigal has been pushing my buttons more and more. Even when I was trying to disengage and back away, the Prodigal kept pushing until I lashed. Of course, right after he started acting the victim and that once more that I’m horrible to him, treat him like shite and so forth. Well that will last until the next time he wants something from me. Then of course the tune will change once more. I get so tired of that shit. I really do. Going from telling me that I’m this beast then being super sweet because you want something. Do you realize how much I can’t stand that? Let me tell you, it pisses me off to no end. Hello Lion. For the love of the old Gods I’ve seen every single mistake in my life from you in the last 3 months, more so than actually living and dying over them. Thank you for that. You’ve completely shown me what in the nine hells I don’t want in my life.

For those that read the latest journal entry, this is part of a continuation of that. Yes, it’s only been a couple of days but once more Prodigal had to push me to blowing once more. And once more here we are. I even did my best to just end it and disengage, but you just HAD to push it then turn it around like the good little narcissist that you are that I’m at fault. Oh FFS! I’ve had enough and it has taken a very LONG time to come back to where I am now. For you to just start with the gaslighting (Oh I don’t do that! You are wrong.) That bullshit didn’t fly before and you’re at it once more. I’m so over it. All this because you couldn’t get that I had just worked, came home to check on my sick Boo, ran out once more to help a friend and get something for said SICK Boo, and came home once more. I had JUST SAT DOWN! Is it really too much to ask that you save your requests until I had a chance to even sip my coffee? Is it so hard to fucking understand that when I say I’ll do it later that is EXACTLY what I meant? Nope. Couldn’t give me a few to sit and relax or try to possibly destress because it’s been a rough few days for me? Did you even care to know? Of course, you tossed out the EVERYONE is asking what my deal is and when I asked who the hell ‘everyone’ was, you had no answer. You looked at me dumbfounded that I would dare ask it. Then when I said that people, I knew didn’t have a problem and would tell me if they did, you had to put out there that of course my friends don’t have a problem with me. Who else is there but you? Are you really that self-centered that you believe you are the only person in the whole of the world that I interact with?

I work. I pay all the bills. I run all the errands. I do everything myself except when your highness decides to do something around the house (oh Christ you did the tub, FFS let me just celebrate that). Here’s the thing, since you’ve been here there’s been more drama in my life than there has been in a long time. Yes, I even said tonight that I would be glad to send you back. You’re miserable (no you’re not, uh huh), you’re frustrated and taking it out on me and the animals. You don’t stop to see that I am NOT the problem. I was doing just fine (except for supporting you financially and myself for that matter) before you got here. Since, I’ve been in the hole and climbing back out. You’ve taken every bad thing that’s happened out on me when all I did was try and be there for you. You’re fatalist attitude has dragged me down and even fucked with my own depression and all the shit I’ve been working so very hard to get away from. TWO YEARS almost three that I’ve been recovering from the emotional and mental abuse. You want to know how hard I’ve worked? Read this journal. Hell, I’ll even give you the other one for you to read as well. You might even get a FRACTION of what I’ve been through and how hard I’ve worked to get back on somewhat a decent track. With all your toxicity I’ve still done my best to be there for you, but that’s not been enough. You worked very hard to shove me away and all I can say is (slow clap) mission accomplished. You had that done within a month and a half of being here. Doesn’t matter anything that I’ve done and now you don’t like the results? That’s pretty bad. You can’t live with the consequences of your own actions, so I suffer for it. I’m always pissed off? I’ve always got an attitude? Think about why it would be like that? Do I get a chance to simply wake up? Nope. You have been notorious of chittering until I finally have enough and walk away. You want to argue politics which I’ve said a hundred times or more that I don’t rightly give a damn. If I don’t agree with you, you have to brow beat me until I either walk off or agree with you. Why? You’ve nitpicked things I like. Why? Can’t it be simply because I like x, y, and z? Nope that’s enough for you. You’ve taken over my house to the point that I have no clue what’s mine anymore, but you want to complain that you have no idea where things are in the house? You didn’t bother to ask! Now I’m to the point that I’ve had enough. And yes, I start fighting back because you want to push the issue. Hell, I have to ASK to use MY own computer. If anything, you should be asking me if I want it. Instead I took being banished to the bedroom and the laptop because you are on it from the time you get up until I either take over the computer or you go to sleep. How the hell does that work? Oh, there’s nothing to do here? Whose fault is that? Sure as hell isn’t mine.

You’ve lied to people. You used me. You betrayed me. And you want to be the pissed off victim? “Victims. Aren’t we all?” – Eric Draven, The Crow. You’ve accused me of having attitude. You’ve accused me of being pissed. What do you think will happen when you’ve accused me of something that’s not there long enough? What happens when you walk all over me? I become done. Your drama. Your fatalism. Your narcissism. All of it. I’m done. I refuse to be broken like I had been before. There will be no relationship. That’s done. I took my heart back because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve me. Why would I want someone exactly like the Lion and the Dragon once was? I left that behind for a reason. I have come too far to lose myself again. So, if you really want to see these things, then I’m glad to show you. Remember this phrase. Narcissists are always the victim or the hero. They are never the villain.

We’re finished. I tried to be everything you claimed you wanted but it would seem all you want is someone to take advantage of. I was just there. I’m beyond it. You want to move back there? I’ll be glad to make it happen. You want to stay here? Then you better realize that while I’m nowhere near perfect, I can guarantee one thing, things will be changing around here. I will be changing. Even if you decide to go back, there’s going to be changes. I’m putting my foot down. This is my home. This is my life that you are in. Not the other way around. I’m showing you the strength that I’ve grown to have. You can hop right up there like all the others, but when I get to this point, you might want to ask the Dragon what I’m like when I dig my heels in. I won’t throw someone out with no where to go, I’m not that kind of person. But I will draw lines in the sand. He who has the gold makes the rules and right sweet cheeks, I’ve got all the gold. You can make yourself up for whoever you like, but I’ve seen the dark side and well I can always show you mine. The choices are all on you. Choose wisely.

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