2019-07-19 18:12:43 (UTC)

I'm the Bad Guy

I’m the bad guy. That’s what you said right? I’m the bad guy. You wouldn’t even let me answer. Instead you just kept right on at it and then gave up when you couldn’t argue any more. You wouldn’t even let me finish because you had to be right. How did you push me away? I can count the ways.

Maybe it’s because you convinced so many people that I’m blood related to you that you couldn’t dare be open about that supposed relationship that you wanted. Even after still calling me your sister but wanting to have all the relationship stuff? Guess you didn’t realize that might hurt and that you couldn’t make up your mind. I am an afterthought. There’s no one else but there’s me, right? Nope. I’m the last option? Nope. I’m no option.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because you started something with me with another person that you did have a “relationship” with. When I kept saying, nay nearly begging you to end it, you didn’t. It kept going. I asked you to end it before you got here, but you didn’t. It dragged out for nearly a month after. It’s all I heard about during that time. It was dragged out far too long, but no, that’s not supposed to hurt huh? It did. It sickened me. It pushed me away. Why would I be with someone that was only with me because it didn’t work out with someone else and I’m the last hope? No, it doesn’t work that way.

I’m the bad guy remember? Even if you haven’t once seemed to appreciate the things I’ve done for you. Haven’t bothered to think of me. You say you do, but not once have you actually. It’s always been something with you attached to it and what you do supposedly for me. In the end, it must be about you. Somehow it gets twisted to all about you, but you say it’s about me. Nope. It doesn’t work that way. Especially when you say things that you do, that you don’t. I won’t argue. I won’t beg. I won’t fight. I just walk away.

I don’t waste my time explaining to anyone why I do what I do. There isn’t a point. Everyone’s going to see what they want to. I don’t talk, maybe that’s because I know your anxiety lies to you. Everything I say is being rolled over by you looking for any scrap of meaning. I know. I have anxiety too, but I also know it lies to me. I don’t talk because your anxiety will tell you that it has something to do with you when it doesn’t. You’ll twist it and worry about it until you have folded it into a nice origami of it’s your fault somehow. So, save myself the trip and say nothing. As you say, your health can’t take it. But I’m the bad guy, right? The tantrums you throw just push me away as well. You get frustrated and blow up. Tantrum. I try to get away from it because it’s not good for me, and you push my buttons until I react. Eventually one too many times of that, I just walk away.

For me I’ve ended the relationship part. There isn’t anything there. You say you love me, but I fear most of that is because as you say, I’m all you have left. The things with your friends is on you, not me. You think they think you’re a problem? Talk to them. Ask them. Hell have a conversation first with them. One thing I’ve seen is that you don’t maintain friendships. You want them to come to you. If they don’t once more your anxiety will origami you something up. My friends know that I talk to them as well as they get a hold of me. It works both ways. If you expect them to always come to you, then yes it will be a lonely place because eventually they move on assuming that you have something against them. If you don’t have someone’s number, ask for it. Talk on the phone a while. Send them a text to say hey what’s up? Don’t expect them to always come to you. In the time you’ve been here, you rarely talk to your friends. Yes, they have lives as well, but it’s give and take. If you don’t put in anything, you’ll never get anything back. Hell, you’ve done the same thing living here. Expecting me to come to you all the time. I stopped when it seemed to annoy you. I stopped when it seemed like you didn’t care. It stopped when I realized that I wasn’t with you, I was just doing for you.

You may read this and of course your anxiety is going to lie to you. This is an open letter because I’m sure plenty of people have been here a time or two. Well for anxiety’s sake, no I’m not the person for you as a relationship. That was learned when you convinced people we were blood related. You are still family. Family zoned is a good way to put it. I’ll honor what I said I would (even if friends have told me I’m stupid) but as for a romantic relationship? No, that ship sailed. I didn’t feel supported. I didn’t feel anything but sadness. But I’m the bad guy. Isn’t it interesting that you called me the bad guy when you don’t want to accept that it may actually have been you? Who knows? Guess I’ll be the bad guy.

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