Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-08-25 21:43:21 (UTC)

Results & Revenge.

This will be a two-parter, if you want the 'gossip', 'drama' or 'exciting' stuff then I recommend skipping to the subsection that is titled 'Revenge'.


So I had results day on Thursday, I've spent the last three days drinking; not because I did terribly, because I was celebrating! I had a B for English Language. I was kinda hoping for an A, I always want more. I am happy with a B though, maybe I wasn't initially but after a few days of drinking and thinking about the future and what's next, I am happy with it. My mum was really pleased for me, as was everybody else. I haven't had a congratulations from my father yet, still to this day. My mother said he was 'pleased' for me, but I dunno. I gave up chasing and wanting love and respect from my father long ago. He's a great guy, and does everything for his family. He just struggles to show emotions sometimes, I guess we have that in common. My classmates didn't do great, only three of us managed to pass and get onto the Access courses we were looking for. Jess and Ryan are enrolled for engineering and I'm heading down the humanities/teaching route, which was always the plan. I'm pleased for them, but really sad for the others. You needed at least a C to progress and I think they had D's. One of the girls, Vanessa, is from Portugal and her English isn't fantastic. She wanted to get onto Access to Nursing but because she didn't get a C in English, despite having one in Maths, they can't let her. I'm gutted for her. She's still quite young though, she's only 20. She has so much time to sort things out, I'm confident if they all go again, they will do much better next time. They can pay to have their papers remarked but I'm not sure if it's worth it, I think it's like £150-200. I'm not sure how much it costs to resit the exams. Either way, you're now looking at a student of Access to Teaching (Humanities), woohoo!


My partying and celebrating continued until this morning. I got home at 10am this morning, it was rough. I had met up with an old friend, somebody I tend to see once or twice a year if I'm lucky. We always plan to do things but they just always seem to fizzle out, or one of us has to cancel, it's just very unlucky. We drank incredibly heavily last night. We spoke about everything: Education, work, her child, relationships, sex, Harry Potter, you name it. She told me a story about how she had a BBQ with her friends, and they wound up talking about me. Asking how we met, if she was still in contact with me, that kinda stuff. One of the guys there said: 'Did you know [name] fucked his girlfriend when they were together?'. For the record, this didn't hurt. It was surprising to hear, sort of. I don't have any definitive proof of it, nor do I care, but I do believe it. I just felt like I wanted to write about it because it shocked me a little. I remember having an argument with her, a long time ago, and she mentioned that she 'could have had a thing' with this guy, and well...obviously did I guess. In a way, I don't even blame her, considering the way our relationship fizzled out towards the end. We weren't having sex, and that is a huge problem. I'm not in her corner, but I suppose weirdly, I get it.

The thing that is very shocking is the emotional abuse that was going on, with the things that happened with me and the other girl, how everything was held over my head forever and I was constantly reminded what a piece of shit I was. How I was constantly told 'I know you didn't cheat on me, but it feels like you did....', and the phrase 'I'm sorry I'm not her' every so often. Thinking back and listening to that, knowing that she did this is kinda just like 'well...wow'. I reiterate though, it didn't hurt, and I'll tell you why. When we broke up and she moved on, after less than a month (after I was chastised for waiting 6 months btw), nothing will top that pain. At this point, so much time had passed and the pain was so raw from the initial breakup. Hearing this was just more shocking than anything else. I don't know the exact date, were we living together? Possibly. It would make sense. Maybe it was revenge for what happened with me and the girl from work, maybe she felt she was owed this, like a free pass or something. I don't know. I don't like to talk bad about her, still to this day. I've known her a long time and still have a lot of respect for her. To be honest, I hadn't thought about her for a while until hearing this yesterday and I guess whilst it was shitty to hear, it was just another reason as to why our relationship didn't work and we had to stop this. So I'm not mad, sad, or anything like that. I guess it just sparked something in me and I felt I needed to write.


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