this is it.
I have grown so much in my ..
I have grown so much in my short life, but I suppose i have had 1/4 of my life to reach this point.
I have so much that i want to write down, but I have no idea where to start.
Living in Port Fairy with Nanny after the madness of Geelong did so much for me that I could never thank Nanny enough. I was cold, broken and wild. Like a feral, neglected beast. And my dearest Nanny scooped me up and hugged me regardless. She was as warm as my memories said.
I had to struggle through the passing of time that allows all wounds to heal. In the meantime, I built a little life with her in the peaceful tiny coastal town. She was as lonely and broken as I was. Together we grew. Thank you Nanny. RIP.
One thing that I havn't mentioned in this saga of my life is the upbringing of the 15 years prior. I grew up in a home with a heart-broken single mother who suffered from severe, un-diagnosed anxiety. It caused her to be very neglectful, self centered and deranged.
Our home grew to be level 10 hoarder trashed. She instilled in us that the only time she wants to give us attention, is when we are sad or hurt.
She believed in a religion like thing called New Age. It's part of the fringe culture of Reiki, crystals, angels and charms.
She was very set upon healing herself so that she could be better. But she never got better. She only got worse.
An example of her priorities; I was 8 or 9, it as winter in our always wintery part of the world and i was wearing all hand-me-downs. The uniform was outdated, stained, stretched and thin. My shoes were entirely torn to pieces and my feet were always infected because of living in wet shoes. I really needed new shoes, (and maybe a jacket and uniform would be nice) but she said that she couldnt afford it. And my sisters told me to stop being selfish, you know mum cant afford that.
I agreed and didnt press it again. That weekend, she left us at our grandparents home on the farm as she always did, and went to a Drumming Weekend. In this space, it nutures the soul. You get to create your own drum from real animal skin and learn how to drum it to cleanse spirits and blah blah blah. It cost her, back in 2003, not including accommodation and travel, $860. For two days.
This was a normal occurrence all throughout my childhood. She lived rent free on single parent payments of 4 kids plus child support. Nan bought all our presents and insisted that Sharon writes from Mum on them.
She is a piece of shit. She brought up 4 kids. All four of us have our problems, and I am by far the most successful.
if i didnt have Nicola as my best friend growing up, I would be just like 2 of my siblings. Thank you Nicola.
Her mum used to feed me, pick up/drop off, clothe me. When I turned 11, her mum was sick of dealing with this shit psycho parent and started insisting that i go home before dinner and that she wont drop me off, and that my mum should come pick me up.
At the time, i didnt think much about it, but now as an adult, I can see what she was trying to do. And I am so grateful for everything she did for me up until that point. Thank you Rosemary.
I think I am just the luckiest person. In all the situations i have been in, I am so lucky to still be alive and free.
Sharon used to take me and sometimes my 4 year younger brother to different places around the district. These places were dark and hazy and the people were just as much so.
I was so desperate to be loved and be special in my Mums eyes that i knew it made her happy if i went along with it all. So I got into the weird stuff. I was a psychic child. A shy little girl who knew exactly what to say to make the adults around me happy.
They used to touch me, chant around me, explore me. I would lie in the middle of the room and have all these strangers make circles around me.
Sometimes they were praying, sometimes they were making spells and sometimes they were trying to get rid of the demons that had clung onto my soul. I was a prime piece of meat for negative entities as i was a highly intuitive being but was too young to be strong enough to repel them.
I mean like, what the actual fuck.
This happened to me between the ages of 7-14.
Such crucial developmental stages.
I would lie on beds and have old men lift my shirt and pull my pants down to just above my vagina to drop oils or place crystals on my skin. They would chant or wave their arms about as they realigned my chakas. I found out at such an early age what it felt like to have a mans rough fingers dragged across my chest and down my torso. How it feels like have strong fingers hook themselves beneath my pants and pull them down. Between my vagina and hip bone, i would flinch every time.
Sometimes she would be there, sometimes she wouldnt.
Other times of her shitness include how she would forget to pick me up from cub scouts. At first Nicola used to take me home, but then nicola stopped coming. So even though cubs always finished at 9pm, unemployed sharon would still not be able to get her shit together to come and pick me up until 9.30pm or later.
It was a 5 minute drive across town and i was 7-12 years old.
At first, the cub leaders would wait around for ages and let me stay inside the hall while i waited. Then they also got sick of dealing with a shit cunt, and started trying to gently persuade her to pick me up at the right time by making me wait outside. Our town was a very southern coastal town that rained all the time and was very very very windy. So this was shit.
I was always so angry at her when she would tear up the road at 9.30pm. I would be shivering, soaked and tired.
Many times the leaders were just wanting to get on with their lives (they were volunteers) and would leave me alone. They would just pack up the hall and leave with the masses, pretending not to notice that I didn't have a car waiting for me like all the other kids.
Im just lucky i wasn't kidnapped.
So she was a shit cunt. I was lucky that i had good friends and a passion for life. This got me out and about on my bike.
Just so that it is written, I really want to say this... I was sexually abused by my next door neighbour. Between the ages of 4-7. He was 3 years older than me and I used to play with him and his little sister (one year younger than me).
Mostly when it was just me and him playing his N64, he was fine.
But when we would hand out all three, he and his little sister used to like to do weird things. (I think their dad was a bit weird. He would lick Claires tongue)
They loved to get out each others penis and vagina and look at it, touch it and play with it. And when it was us three, he would do things like, you can have a lolly when you touch it, when you touch claires, when i get to touch yours, when claire touches yours. When I would refuse, he would say things like i cant leave or claire will be punished in some way if i dont. Or that he would tell on me.
They also loved to play doctor. This is where you would have to lie naked, either on the grass, trampoline or in the cubby house, and they were do doctor things. Things like listening to your heart beat, looking at your bum hole, touching your nipples. They would put things on you (everywhere) like dog food pieces.
Weird right? and they would insist that i would have to do it to them too. It was a far cry from playing doctor with my sisters where you would tuck them in bed and take their temperature.
The boy loved to do weird things like poo in different places and got us to do it too and all sorts. It makes me wonder what the parents were doing as they were both home (weekends or week nights).
I year 1, she didnt invite me to her birthday party (at their house! With a pony and all!!!!) and our friendship ended there.
I still wonder about them. I wonder if they feel weird when they look at each other.If i can remember it, then he surely can and she could of the older years. Every weird thing the did to me they did to each other too.
Another time I was lucky was when i was about 7 and we were at my step mums house. Her drug fucked early 20s son was there. This story was a massive thing in our family, but no one knows what was happening before it.
He was alone with me and my little brother (3yrs old) and he was licking my brothers tongue and lifting his shirt. My eldest sister (13yrs old) walks in and all hell breaks loose.
But prior to this, he was doing it to me too. I can still remember how rough his tongue felt. It was gross. He was touching my face and touching my stomach and my shirt.
But because of everything else I had already seen and done, i didnt know that it was wrong. When Louise burst in and goes crazy and continues to throughout the years, i was always too scared to say anything.
I think the psychology behind me staying quiet was that because i didnt know it was wrong, and therefore participated willingly, I felt guilty. I felt like i would told off for it and i didn't want that. So i just stayed quiet.
Even though I knew everyone elses response to my little brother was kind and not his fault, i just didnt believe that i would be treated the same.
So considering all of that, it is no wonder that I was depressed by 13.
I was so sad and I didn't know why. I craved to be wanted and seen. I was always seen when my clothes were off, so its understandable why i was so quick to seek comfort in the arms of a lover.
Every boy I had sexual relations with before Ian, not many were a positive experience. They always insisted on more, negotiating, manipulating, forcing. I mean, it must just be part of it yeah? The sky is blue, the grass is green, and sex is one sided hardship. Sex is something that someone else does to me.
Thats the thing about child abuse. Neglect is one of the four types, but its so hard to pinpoint that neglect is in itself, neglected.
I was depressed because I was a victim of child abuse, but I didnt know it. I presumed it was me and all my fault. I was too ugly, too poor, too socially low on the ladder. THAT is why i must feel this weird feeling in my throat.
Not to mention i was still being told that i had demons sucking the positive life energy from me, the fact that Ian happened was inevitable.
And most likely, I am extremely lucky that he did happen. Because he was survivable.. just. I could have been kidnapped, murdered or killed myself in many other possibilities, so I am so grateful that I had luck on my side.