Flashbacks and Me
So incase you haven’t noticed the “... and Me” is a series of my entries that are going to be me ranting or raged about the topic. I hope for this to be an ongoing series for me because I do feel better...
This one is going to be graphic...
Do you ever sit around and suddenly remember a bit of your past? I have these flashbacks of random events. I remember one time this boy was like, “are you crying?” And then i just hid my face. I couldn’t talk. Because my sister was in the hospital and I thought she was dead. “Damn, acting like a pussy?”. This was one of the few times I’ve been bullied by men, and my god was my brain harsh on this guy. I was gripping my pencil so hard, preparing to shank his eyes. Oh I wanted to slam his head down on the the desk and break his nose. I wanted to see blood dripping from his face. I wanted to slam him on the floor and jump, extend my elbow and force all my weight onto his chest in hopes it would kill him. I wanted to take his life. I wanted look at him in the eyes as they go soulless. But i let go of that pencil. And i let go of my binder, and I lifted my face just said, “go away”... then he said “oh what are you gonna do? Hurt me?”. Then I ignored him, and eventually the bell rang and we left the room. On our way out I slammed all my weight into him and smashed him into the door. He then reported me. Luckily i had friends in high places that understood me that year and got only a lunch detention. Desert Foothills was shit but the staff weren’t all bad, in fact some were nice and understanding.
I also remember another time a man bullied me back in elementary school. I remember one day I tackled him. And i punched him, and punched him, and puched him, and punched him... all direct blows in the face, oh he was bleeding. I had blood on my fist. But then... I continued to punch over and over! Hearing his screams for mercy was music to my ears! This was during P.E. So the coach is running over and then he tackles me. Pinning my arms down into the grass and dirt. I remember yelling at the coach with a hunger for blood as i stared directly at this kid. Later I’m a bit calm and we’re both at the front office. I was happy to see my results. He was bleeding from both nostrils, blood dripping from his mouth as he looks at me with hid two giant black eyes. I just continued to stare with rage, but i was able to settle with just sitting there and looking at my art piece. It truly was beautiful. I loved awing at my creation as i sit back breathing heavily. And i loved hearing him sob. And when i saw those tears mix up in his blood... it brought a tear to my eye.
I often think back to the day I told my dad, “have a good day” and he got mad. He heard a sarcastic tone in there so he was like “excuse me?” One thing went to the next and then I found myself on the floor with a 300 pound man laying on my back as I slowly lifted myself up. That’s right, adrenaline is one hell of a chemical isn’t it? It will make a little girl lift her father from a push up position.... later that day we said sorry to each other and we hugged then we ordered Chinese food.