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2019-08-15 10:03:29 (UTC)

"Spiral of Ants" by ..

"Spiral of Ants" by Lemon Demon

August 15, 2019 Thursday 10:04 AM

Yesterday was a really bad day, but I feel better now. I don't know what was wrong with me; it almost seemed beyond my head. I'd feel okay for a while but my stomach was burning and twitching, and I'd remember that something was wrong. And my vision felt so strange. I suspect I will also feel sort of weird today as the day goes on, just because I did not get very much sleep and I drank a lot of coffee, which is never a great combination for my mental health.

Matt and I got in a small fight last night right before I was going to go to sleep. As a result, I couldn't sleep until about 3 in the morning. Everything is all good now, though. We fought because of something he said about Mr. Sandwich. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive about him, but there's a lot in that subject that I haven't processed yet. So I ended up thinking about that very thoroughly, and overall I was very exhausted by the amount of information in my head... Yesterday I was also grappling with the vivid thought, that my grandma is going to die, and I have been watching her die, and I have been wanting her to die. So I mean, it's been a lot.

I know it sounds dramatic, but I am not exaggerating when I say yesterday was terrifying. I had no idea what was going on with me and I didn't know whether I wanted it to stop or get worse. Anything I did was ultimately to make myself feel better, mostly because I had stuff to do and not because I necessarily wanted to feel okay. But I was just so... I hate when I get like that. I thought about killing myself, I couldn't stand the idea of oscillating back and forth between these sorts of horrible suspensions, extreme to not, etc. I had tunnel vision. I e-mailed Lancelot, I was so scared. He couldn't make a last minute appointment because he has jury duty today, but he offered to do a phone call. I hate those, so I declined. I felt so embarrassed. Just three hours later, it was like I hadn't freaked out at all. The weird sense of self I had, evaporated.

My center of gravity returned to being just outside myself again. Or maybe inside me, but pointed somewhere in front of me. Okay well I drank too much caffeine. I need to take a shit and drink some water and then do the last of my packing.