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2019-08-13 20:04:55 (UTC)

just some regular post-nap thoughts

"Sleepwalking" by Better Oblivion Community Center

August 13, 2019 8:05 PM

I had a thought today, that with Trip, I kept telling myself it only mattered if I made it matter. And that's not even denial, that's the straight up truth. However, it is maybe ignoring my own tendency to care about everything. Of course I will feel bad for having subjected myself to him, a little. And having subjected myself over and over again to other people. To Mr. Sandwich, to Ethan, to Adrian, to Isaac, to Ibn. To all these people that I either desperately wanted to impress, or desperately wanted to impress me. And either way I somehow ended up sacrificing a bit of myself to be around them by telling myself it was an exchange of some sorts; and that it didn't matter unless I made it matter. I'd let Mr. Sandwich call me names, be racist, be sexist, mean—not just to me, but to the people around us, or the people in our mutual social circles— just because I felt so honored to even be allowed in his presence.

Looking back, it's so humiliating to know that ??? I let this kind of relationship exist?? And it sort of sucks because I love Sandwich and all, but he said a lot of inappropriate things and as the years go by it gets harder and harder to justify him. I don't feel the experience was bad. But I also just feel ashamed, and it's hard to figure out if that is coming from the actual situation or if that's just how everyone is telling me to feel about it. When I was writing that short story about Sandwich, I kept getting so exhausted, because I was trying to show everyone that youth-adult relationships are not inherently bad (not that I wasn't recognizing the actual shit aspects of it). But I think I keep trying to crawl out of the fact that I have a hard time believing my own thoughts on the matter.

When I develop crushes on obnoxiously smart and toxic artist-types like Melvin and Dan, I can't help thinking I am a bit awful, lmao. Like I keep doing the same thing over and over again. When I'm in between dating and in between feeling, it's as if the stuff from the past was old and learned. You know? But then I realize I haven't grown that much; I'm still stuck in it.

Not to say I'm very sad about any of it, I've just been thinking about it today, because I had that very intense crush on Melvin this summer; I listened to him the whole summer, I couldn't get away from him. And I kept thinking, that socially, he was somehow both entitled and spineless at the same time; he's kind of cowardly and volatile. He is so talented and pretty and funny, and it's not like recognizing that he kind of sucks made me any less inclined to climb into his collarbone and, like, sleep there; if anything it made him more attractive. Which is frustratingly cliché, haha. It's a relief that I don't have to see him every day anymore, because he and his friend were exhausting. Attraction is weird and bad. I think I must like him so much because I want to be him; or change him. I don't even think we get along, but if he were on my porch steps right now, you're damn right I'd fucking invite him inside, haha. Because intellectualizing is great, but once the opportunity is in front of me, the choice becomes simple: either have an experience or don't. And of course I'm going to choose to have the experience, shitty or not.

It happens with friends, too. Not as often, and not good friends, but people like Adrian... And like, this one guy I've been hanging out with recently as well. I think about how easily they are able to push me into saying things, like asserting things. And how often I feel pushed into a social corner, where I have to either choose to laugh at their mean joke or I have to assert myself. Asserting myself isn't as hard as it used to be, which is very nice. I still wonder; why the fuck I do this kind of thing.

I feel OK. I took a 5 minute nap imaging cuddling Melvin. Kind of gross, but I comfort myself out of the thought's creepiness by acknowledging that, you know, the Melvin in my head is seriously nothing like the one in real life, except that he looks the same because I think he's so so pretty. And has very weird-pretty anime guy eyes. In real life, I bet if the conditions allowed him to 1) be interested in me romantically 2) kiss me, he wouldn't do it. That's my theory. Floating in a vacuum and absolutely useless, haha. I think it to function as a sort of self-esteem boost, because at least I've kissed someone, right?

But, eh. I've only ever felt comfortable kissing people I don't care about. Whatever, irrelevant. Why do I feel the need to undermine myself? It may be true that I've never really kissed for love, and have in fact avoided it, but that doesn't take into account my extreme sensitivity around the subject of love. Nor does it account for the fact that a lot of the kissing I've been doing has been for the purpose of acclimating myself. I literally have not had the chance to kiss out of love since therapizing myself by exposure. So, like, fuck me for being an asshole about it.

Damn, I am exhausting. I'm glad I don't spend as much time here, in my head, the way I used to. Lately I've mostly been thinking about writing, about horror as a genre, about music, about school. Regular stuff. Also a bit about Trip. Forgot to mention; he ghosted me. He texted me saying, "So should we talk about the other night?" and I asked what there was to talk about (I should've said, "About how weird it was?" or at the very least asked, "Uhh what part?") and he said in that case there was nothing to say, he had been asking for my benefit (eye roll). Then I, for some reason, told him I would be free this week if he wanted to hang out and he said nothing. My reason for texting him had been in the vague hopes we could have sex; because I will admit, after having been touched by someone other than myself, I realized it's kind of more fun??? Like... no wonder people like having sex. It doesn't feel like masturbating. Anyway, he didn't answer, and I was surprised at my lack of hurt.

OK I'm gonna go masturbate now because today was a trash day and I need to release some tension raise my self-esteem a bit.

PS: forgot to mention I had a great weekend! Spent the whole thing shooting a music video in the woods; it was exhausting but fun.

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