IsItJustMe?

I do this to myself. I think...
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2019-08-11 18:11:54 (UTC)

-Sigh-

A whole lot has happened since my last entry. I don't even know where I would start. But, let's not focus on that right now. I need to start from recent. And just move forward from there.
I talked with my therapist on Friday, after not seeing her for over a week. (missing my appt the week before that).
What I had to catch her up on was not something I was looking forward to telling her about. But something I needed to tell her about.
Last weekend, a week ago today, I was arrested. And charged with Domestic Assault and Battery. I've never been in trouble in my life... and I get in trouble for the firs time and I end up arrested and charged with something that could potentially become a felony on my record. And I didn't even actually HIT anyone. If I knew there was a chance for that to happen, I at least would have done something worth getting in trouble for.
Anyway, what happened was, I guess to explain it better, I do need to recap a bit.
The whole thing with HIM and getting that girl pregnant. I have been fuming and have harbored a lot of very negative feelings when it came to that situation. I have been so tired all the time. Even taking my medication has been a life saver, but not quite literally. I decided to suck it up and try and make amends with her. First of all, I kinda missed having a friend. And second, My baby is going to have a baby sister. I would hate for her to eventually come to realize that she has a younger sibling somewhere and wonder why it is that she has never seen or met her. Or been told about her. It's not something you want to explain to your child that her father had a drinking problem and doesn't know how to commit and keep his junk in his pants and ended up sleeping with his best friend that he used to be in a "relationship" with after he decided he wanted me to abort you and wanted nothing at all to do with you and then played us both. Meaning that he was sleeping with her and "being with" her while texting me telling me how much he missed me and wanted to be with me. Eventually he left her and started "seeing" me again. But their fling was never completely over. And that's how we kinda got to this point.
So I contacted her after having a conversation with him about being tired of feeling this way constantly. And her and I met up and talked. We had all agreed to be civil and continue to do so and raise all the kids together. It seemed like a really crazy idea, maybe to most people.. But that's basically how my family is. I wanted us all to get along for the kids. But there was still a lot of hatred and jealousy there. Mostly on my part I think. Especially because He has been telling me how I'm his one true love and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and grow old together with the girls. But as soon as another female is present, wouldn't you know that all of that went right out the window. His excuse is that his primal instincts kick in and he has a hard time fighting against them. I guess maybe I could believe that, but on another level I think it's complete BullShit and that it's just an excuse to have his cake and eat it too.
I tried really hard to just let go of everything and move on from it so that we could all just stop being so stressed out all the time. But I believe it actually made things worse. Two separate occasions I wanted to kill myself. And actually knew how I was going to do it. That was the week I missed my appt with my therapist. I told her I was sick. The reality of it is that I just couldn't get myself out of bed. And then later that night was the night that I was going to find all my sleeping pills, or the pills that have been prescribed to me to help me sleep, and just hope and pray I didn't wake up. I ended up texting a crisis hotline that night and the preggo was here with me and trying to help me stay away from the medication. The second time was when Him and I were mid argument and I was going to drive off and crash his car, hoping to total it and hurt/kill myself in the process. She also stopped me from doing that. In a way I'm kind of glad. But then again, if I had done that, I would not have been arrested and charged.
Now I have to meet with a lawyer, and pay for that lawyer with money I don't really have to be spending, and then I have a court date for 10 days after my birthday to find out what's going to happen. I'm hoping and praying that it's basically just a slap on the wrist.. I honestly don't think I did anything wrong. I ended up more bruised and banged up than he did. And the ONLY time I hit him was when he wrapped him arm around my neck and I was trying to get him off of me. So I hit him in the face with his phone to get him to let go of me. Aside from that, neither of us actually hit the other.
So anyway, he has his own problems he's also dealing with from that day, which is crap as well. But I've come to realize, I can't be okay with the whole situation. I don't trust either of them. She says one thing, but does another. And his male DNA seems to be an issue as well. So combine the two, She would probably end up pregnant over and over again if I wasn't around.
I told him we weren't going to work out being a couple. I know what I want, and I know what I need. And unfortunately, they're not the same, and I NEED what I need. Not what I want. What I want is to be with him. But what I need is for somebody to love me, and only me. And love me as much as I deserve to be loved. I know he loves me. And he loves me to the best of his ability. The way he knows how. But, for me, I just don't think it's enough. I hate having to worry and wonder on a daily basis if what I'm doing, or saying is enough for him to want to stay with me. I can't be constantly walking on eggshells in hopes that I won't upset him to the point of him shutting down and just sleeping. I can't get that sick feeling in my stomach every time he opens his messages and think he's talking to her, or some other girl, because I know how he is. He thrives on attention from women. He craves it. And he can't live without the stress and misery in his life, which is why it's constantly on his mind. And I'm so sad for him that he does that to himself.

Yesterday, we had a really great day. We woke up, got ready for the day. We had a picnic planned with the little, and a park visit. The older one went with her other grandparents to the aquarium and she had a blast. We ended up getting a call from his mom and went to an indoor blow up place for small children, and his niece and nephew went. So they all played and had some fun. She napped for a while, had food...and we had a pretty relaxing night. Since we didn't get to go on the picnic yesterday, we had planned on doing that today since the weather is so nice. We woke up fairly early. All showered and ate. Then the little one started on her bad behavior tangent. Wasn't listening, talking back, throwing things and having temper tantrums. All of those are NOT okay. And she was not to be rewarded with the park. I could tell he was getting all worked up and stressed with how she was acting so he went outside to tinker with his truck while I was left to deal with her. I played my game a bit while she just ran around like the she-devil she is. I knew she was getting tired and that probably had a lot to do with how she was acting. So I tried numerous times to get her to nap. He were are, almost 4 hours later and she still has yet to nap. He ended up coming back inside and was visibly irritated. So I decided I was going to just take her to the park in hopes she will either sleep on the way there, or play hard and sleep on the way back. But he didn't want to go. He was going to stay home and nap. -eye roll-. Yeah, I wasn't really happy about that. But part of the court order is that I can't display any form of abuse. So I can't even argue with him or my bail is revoked and I'm almost certain that means that I'd have to go back to jail until my court date. in a month. I won't make it in jail. I'm a princess when it comes to sleeping. I need numerous amounts of pillows and my one specific blanket at all times or the little bit of sleep I do get, I will almost definitely miss out on. But anyway, back to the park. I was trying to get her dressed and she just wanted nothing to do with it. Even knowing that we were going to be headed to the park. She was tired. and she just wanted her plug. But Mr. Mom thinks he knows best and is trying to keep it away from her because she's too dependent on it. Since it had been taken away, she stopped napping. And I have the most difficult time getting her to sleep at night now because of it. So IIIIIII lose out on sleep. Not so much him, even though he hears a lot of it. But he works, so he just goes to sleep and I'm left to handle it. Like usual. I'm tired. I'd like sleep too. Or even some "ME" time during the day when she naps. Like she used to. Or even time to clean during the day while she naps so she's not behind me destroying everything as I go or BEING UP MY BUTT because she wants or needs something right that minute and throws a bloody FIT if I don't answer her when she wants me to.
It's just been a bit rough. And I'm tired of feeling the way I do.
Especially now fighting with my mother over the oldest. How I'm not giving her enough money basically for having her there. And she said I need to take her back. Which is what I've been wanting but I've been so mentally and emotionally exhausted, that I just haven't had the fight in me to just take her away like I had planned. Mostly because I know it would upset the older. Now I need to find my own place, because I'll have both girls, and this apartment he lives in is just too small, and I will have to re-apply for all my benefits in order for us all to have insurance. And I've been dying to get a job. Which has been another challenge for me. I'm just so frustrated and I really wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. 45 minutes a week with my therapist just doesn't seem to be enough. Every time I go see her, I either have a new issue, or we have other things that we need to cover. Having a friend to vent to and talk to about anything would be so nice. Even like a penpal. But I wouldn't even know where to begin on trying that out.
I think I'm just a mess. I feel slightly better getting this all out, but not completely. I don't get any feedback or anything. And that would be SUPER helpful. I just seem to get myself into these ridiculous situations trying to help other people, and burying my own ass in the process.

What in the hell do I do?


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