2019-08-10 18:18:34 (UTC)

Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels

went to marine point with kaylan yesterday. it was a fun time i guess.
but something has definitely disconnected within me. maybe it's because i live here in springfield now.
being an rn is actually difficult. i'm not sure if i have the patience to keep going but i have to keep fighting as i always do.
my first paycheck comes the 16th. that's the paycheck that will change my life. i told my family about it but i have a tremendously strong feeling that that wasn't a good idea. my parents keep taking turns asking me when i'm going to put my younger sister on my phone plan.
first of all, i don't even know when i'm going to be back in chicago.

my brothers are understanding as always but are out of touch. they have their own lives going on. not sure what i should have expected.
but i live hundreds of miles away now. i'm thinking - the quality of life is better here, but they would never come down here. they would get too bored even if it meant they would be happier here. i worked three overnight shifts and my sleep schedule is fucked now. i go to sleep around 8am.

i broke things off with pk. not sure if i ever wrote about him, but i don't feel so bad about it. maybe i should but he knew what he was getting into from the very beginning. or maybe i'm a soulless sociopath with no understanding of compassion. a rudimentary imitation of kindness at best.

kaylan just bought super mario party. but the more i hear about wanting to interact, the less i want to interact.
can't stop thinking that i'm not satisfied with my current outlook. i don't eat enough. i don't look well enough. i'm not productive enough.
it's sinking me into an all too familiar depression, the same one i had when i was living in springfield the first two years.
and i have to do it again for another two years. i can say that i'm not sure if i can do it, but it's cliche at this point.
perhaps attention seeking. because i know i can. i just don't want to try as hard.

i have to stop masturbating. since i started smoking again my brain is getting dopamine flushes. it's not good. i can only have so much.
i just want to get my mind off of how woefully inadequate i am. and this might sound stupid but each time i play overwatch i'm painfully reminded how much lesser i am compared to the world. probably because overwatch characters are based off real life people. i don't think i'd be as upset if i was into games like call of duty or halo. it makes me so angry sometimes i need to a bunch of pushups to keep myself from breaking the controller in half. one day i just might lose it though.

i should just smoke another bowl probably. things are difficult.