nerd™

the anger games
2019-08-10 01:11:01 (UTC)

day 901, summertime sadness

now that summer training is over, the only reason I have to get out of bed is to use the bathroom or bring some water or something to eat.
I got a new phone since my old one was literally falling apart, it didn't make me as happy as it should have.
I also saw an oculist to see if I can get lasik surgery this year. I've been wanting to do it since i was 17 but the doctor always said I'm still too young and I should wait until 20 or 21. but now that I'm actually 20, I dont want it.
it's so sad when you finally reach your dreams but by the time you get there they're not yours anymore.
my mom wants me to learn to drive too but I cant help but feel like all of this is a waste of time and money. so much money.
these are all investments, you have to wait to benefit from them. but I dont know how much time I have. I'm not sure I want to make it till the new year.
I've been stalling for so long I know but I cant make the final decision.
I know I should tell my mom or my sister or at least give them a hint. they deserve a chance to try and help me so that when I'm gone they don't blame themselves but I just can not do it. I can't tell anyone. i told bert but i retracted 2 days later and never spoke of it again. i almost talked to ria but i remembered she's seen enough i can't do this to her.
the words are suffocating me I can't speak. but it's not like anyone will tell me what to do or that I'd even listen if they tried. only I can help me but I'm too tired to.
an indecisive coward through and through




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