ReluctantSociopath

What it's like to be a Fairy Changeling
2019-08-05 05:27:00 (UTC)

Intro to the Void

Do you know what it's like to know yourself? Do you know what it's like to lose yourself?
I used to. I do.
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Once upon a time, there was a child who was born a seven year old. You see, they had lost the first seven years of their life, their memories. No one knows why. Or at least, no one's talking. That child was bribed into being adopted, and, knowing nothing of the concept of bribes, or much of anything else (no memories, you remember) they gladly said 'Yes! I'd love to go home with you!'; or something of that nature. I can't recall, you see. I am that child.
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Actually, that's a lie. My apologies. I try not to lie anymore. What I MEANT was: I WAS that child. I have lived my whole life with a debilitating set of afflictions that have all shafted me royally, though not as much as the world has.
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I have several somethings wrong with my brain. I have a condition that prevents the formation of long term memory. All but the most major parts of my life fade into obscurity. I sometimes am able to pick at a thought-thread, and voila! I very temporarily get some old memory back. But it fades again. Most memories older than a year disappear. This means that I am constantly losing parts of my identity, and forming new parts. Much like most of the cells in my body, my identity is a constantly shifting beast I must try to wrestle into place.
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My emotions are not on the same caliber as most peoples. Imagine if you will, your connection to your emotions as a river. Most are wide open, un-throttled. The river flows on by with no interruptions, and likewise, your emotions are at their fullest capacity. Now imagine someone put a dam in that river. Suddenly, it doesn't flow as strongly. It's more restricted, much weaker than it ought to be. You only feel the slightest bit of emotions. And sometimes, if you are fortunate, the dam spillways get opened up for a short period to lower the pressure. And you can FEEL again. But, eventually, like it always does, the dam once more gets closed back up. That is my emotions.
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Did you know that most people have their physical senses? Yeah, you probably did. Almost everyone knows that. And there's more than just the well-known five senses. But what you probably didn't know is that most people have a mental sense counterpart to those senses. The five senses most people know of are Touch, Taste, Hearing, Smell, and Sight. The physical part of those senses is experiencing them as they are happening, physically. The mental component is being able to experience them in your head, after the fact. Like how you can hear your favorite song in your mind, or taste your favorite food when you have a craving for it. Almost everyone can do this, use these mental sense counterparts. But some people have a condition called Aphantasia. It's a newly documented condition, and as such there is still a lot we don't know about it. It started out as a name to describe someone who did not have a functioning mind's eye, but has branched out to include the minds ear, nose, etc. Basically, if you are born without the ability to use one or more of your mental senses, you have Aphantasia. It is speculated that Aphantasia can cause you to lose one or more of those senses over time. I have Aphantasia. I can not Taste, Smell, or feel Touch mentally. I was born with absurd levels of mental hearing and sight though, much like how a person who is born without or loses a physical sense winds up with the other senses heightened. Unfortunately, my minds eye, my mental Sight, has faded over the years. It is almost entirely gone now. The world inside my head is a lonely one.
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I will go into more detail about myself at a later date, but my focus and reasoning are waning. My body is telling me to sleep. And much as I am loathe to accept it's offer, sleep is, for now, inevitable.




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