Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-08-05 04:22:41 (UTC)

I've figured it out. why I ..

I've figured it out. why I don't want to write. it's because I hate getting back to the present, and remembering where I'm at really. I spend my time lost in worries, thoughts about other things that I could honestly care less about, and forget to pay attention to me, because remembering why I matter takes uncovering the me in it all, and that's en er gy.

today I had work. Up until work I had quite a nice self-pampering day, although I probably could've done without the spending, I'm not really keeping track honestly yet of some budget, so I don't have a goal of saving to hold on to.
Anyways, it was great because I reveled in being alone. I worried in the back of my mind about that lonliness that usually comes when there's nobody close to me in life to share my living with. But when I feel like I did today, so excited to make my life good for me, those worries felt far.

what was really on my mind was Colin. still. I told him that I wasn't ready to date right now, and I wasn't exactly lying. I really wasn't because seeing how things were getting off on a bad foot for me I didn't like it, and my brain was doing more self-battering than was enjoyable in the overtime I thought of him. It was too chaotic for me.

I am still conflicted and guilty because I want this thing, I think. I know, though, possibly, that what I'm wanting from a relationship is more something I could be getting from me.
what I want is a voice, and I know I won't be getting that from a man anytime soon.

I want to be able to speak on my needs, my doubts, my fears, dreams, and love. I just hold it all in.
Men make you too dumb to see that they're not capable of giving you what you need. this really should be taught in school.

Anyways, I feel like Collin steamrolled my need for boundaries in making us not a thing, but also, I let him. He doesn't strike me as an inconsiderate guy, he seems a bit gentile inside, just, he also seems like he's not thinking. I can tell he puts me on a pedestal in a way I don't want or deserve.
I know I've done that to guys, many guys, before, (me worshipping them), I just don't know what to do with that attention now.

There was this line in a Stevie wonder song, and it's not exactly related, but it goes like
'she used her sex to make him strong, not to keep him weak'
And I'm thinking of it now because it brings up a power dynamic in relationships where I have trouble processing my own tendencies. I know that on that first night we had sex and I feel like I use physical intimacy as a ploy when I don't know how to speak on what I'm feeling in the relationship. If I'm uncomfortable with my feelings towards them, or my feelings about me, I use it as a crutch.

I feel guilty because I worry I've made myself come off as more invested in this than I really feel. And it gets confusing because that physical intimacty sends a chemical message back to me that messes up how I really feel. I wonder if he can't see that he's put me on a pedestal because he's not thinking clearly, because I made him weak.
how pretentious a thought can I be.
pretty pretentious.

but yeah, I just have conflicting feelings and I really do want to stop obliging myself to hang out or talk to him. Although I also don't want him to dislike me, or stop talking to him, since those two seem they'd be synonymous.

God, I started off this relationship with no room for me by doing the sex thing. I was just accommodating him that whole night since I didn't even want to go on a date then really. But I did it and then I wanted him out, and I still felt residually confused deeply by the lack of emotions I felt toward him despite him being a good date really.

//

I'm bad at making room for my own emotions and holding that space. I just don't respect them often enough to recognize the influence my feelings have over my life. And it's confusing. for multiple reasons.

For first, to think of why I forget that feelings have influence over my life. Who ever severed that direct instinctual connection between feeling and life? When did the denial of my feelings become the reality of my denied life?

How do I know when I'm trying even though I'm denying my feelings? When can you tell if a person is being incompetent with giving up denial?




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