Scream Above the Sounds
2019-07-30 18:23:24 (UTC)

Somewhere I Belong

I got an e-mail a few days ago from my college. I've been offered a place for the course I want to do in September, I'm so pleased! I was really nervous because I didn't get 60 credits (which was part of the criteria). It was really stressing me out because nobody could say or do anything to make me feel better. I was just told to wait until I get my results and then we would go from there. It was giving me really bad anxiety and really depressing me. I knew I deserved this because I had passed everything. The only reason I didn't meet 60 credits was because I wasn't sitting maths, so I finished on 58. Either way, it's all worked out. Here is where it gets interesting though...

We haven't actually received our results yet. We don't get them until the 15th, which has been a very agonising, painful and in my opinion, a very unnecessary wait. I don't think it gives people a lot of room or time to find alternatives if what they are hoping for doesn't work out. Like, if I didn't get the e-mail or was told I couldn't do this course, I wouldn't know what to do. I think that's why I was wracked with so much fear, I had put all my eggs in this basket. I NEEDED this. I'm kinda trailing off, anyway! I was the only person to receive an e-mail. Nobody else in my group has had anything, and I'm not sure why. We were all told that we would have places reserved for us, yet I'm the only one who has been told to enrol on the 22nd. I find it odd because they met all the criteria, more so than me. They had the full credits, passed all courses, full attendance. Their attendance was certainly better than mine, so I find it odd that I've been selected. I've tried to reassure them that maybe they are just checking things over and hopefully they will be offered a place eventually. I hope so, because I felt quite comfortable around them and a few of them were looking at the same course, so it would be nice if we could continue this journey together.

But yeah, you're looking at a student of Access to Teaching! (Humanities). This is the road I was told and encouraged to take by all of my lecturers. I was told that I had a spark about me and writing was a true calling for me. It just feels nice to know that I'm supposedly good at something! I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere or that I fit in. It just feels so fucking good to have some direction. It's nice to make my mum proud too. I was thinking last night, if I was a millionaire, if I won the lottery...anything like that. I would give EVERYTHING to my parents. I am so grateful for them. We don't have the best relationship, like...we love each other, but we don't connect well. We probably say about 50 words to each other a day. But I love them so much and I'm so grateful for them. I felt like crying the other day when my mum told me that she would pay for my course with her redundancy money. She would do absolutely anything to see me succeed and find happiness, and I guess that breaks my heart a little bit, in a good way..if that makes sense? I just want my parents to be happy and fulfilled. I owe them everything.

I think the best thing about this course is, there are no exams. It's just pure coursework, and that sounds awesome. The courses that I will be studying will be English Language, History, Geography, Communications (whatever that is) and Sociology/Psychology I believe. I'm pretty excited, it's a step closer to university. I've been in touch with some local universities about taking me on when I finish this course and it's all been extremely positive. I think my only gripe is, I wish I had done this earlier. Shout out to my girl Louise, for saving my life. I owe so much to her, it sounds dramatic but it's true. I was going nowhere. I was wasting my life. She really dragged me out of the shit when I was at my lowest point. She will never know how much she's done for me or how much I appreciate her. She knows about my diary but I doubt she ever reads any of it. I think she just knows that I keep one. If you do happen to read this, I love you a lot.

I feel like I'm playing catch up a lot. People have graduated, people are having families and all sorts of stuff, and I'm lagging behind. It doesn't bother me anymore though. It really irritated me for a while but I've finally made my peace with it now. I'm on the road. It's better late than never! You can do anything you want to do. Never give up.

Daniel Bryan (WWE pro wrestler) said: Fight for your dreams and your dreams will fight for you!


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