Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-07-28 16:45:11 (UTC)

Relationships & Breakups

This entry stems from events that took place last night. Not entirely based on that relationship, but thoughts and feelings towards relationships and breakups generally and how we are supposed to ride those waves. I think my best friend is breaking up with his girlfriend, maybe it's happened already. I don't know. There was a lot of drama that happened last night and it wasn't the first time she had made an idiot out of him or embarrassed him and if they don't break up this time, I guarantee this won't be the last time either. I think a lot of things need to be discussed and lines in the sand need to be drawn. I think they are probably a great couple when alcohol isn't involved. Every party that me and my friend Louise attend together though, has ended in chaos. Over complete and utter petty nonsense. It's the same old song and dance and I don't blame him for being fed up of it and wanting change. It looks incredibly toxic from the outside, looking in.

I had a conversation with him last night and whilst I wasn't really batting for her or defending her, I told him there was a lot to take into consideration. They were living together, I think they have been together for four or five years, they no doubt had likely talked about the future; marriage and children etc. I don't know. I understand why maybe he thinks it's time to call it a day but it's also a lot to throw away. I've seen A LOT of arguments but last night was no doubt the worst of the bunch. He goes back to work soon and he'll be working away for about 5-6 weeks, which couldn't have come at a better time to be honest. It will give them both space and they can figure out what the hell it is they want to do. I told him to do a pros and cons list, which sounds a bit naff, but sometimes I think something as simple as that can really open your eyes. Maybe they will work things out, I don't really know. It doesn't matter what I think, nor should it.

It again makes me realise how awkward, volatile and toxic relationships can be though. Not just theirs from last night or various other events, but generally speaking. Everybody treats everybody like shit and it's just horrible. No doubt, I was likely similar to these people with my ex. We were both very shitty towards each other by the end of it and it's no way to live. I see that Will Smith quote floating around about how he talks about modern relationships seemingly being about 'sacrificing happiness' at the expense of your partner and living your life for them, instead of focusing on your own happiness and putting yourself first. He goes on to say that YOU are responsible for your own happiness and a relationship should be two people who are in control of their happiness, who then come together to SHARE their happiness, and ain't that the truth? That's of course, how it should be. If you live to please others, you will end up blaming them. Of course, every relationship should have some sacrifice but you can't live your life for somebody else.

I'm very scared to have another relationship. I suppose mainly scared because deep down I'm desperately in love with my best friend and I know it can never be, and also because I don't want to find myself in situations like last night. It just makes me sad. I'm likely not ready for another relationship, I have trust issues, abandonment issues, my life is just not in a good place right now. I feel content on my own I guess. I've always been okay in my own company, until the night time anyway. I feel that now I've had a relationship, which admittedly spiralled out of control; having that experience has kind of...put the thirst of it to bed for me. When I was younger, all I ever wanted was a relationship. I was desperate for it, everybody was having sex and spending time with people and I had nobody. I think deep down, everybody wants to love and be loved. That is just life, and breakups can sadly a part of that. You have to ride the wave. Sometimes you get it, and sometimes you get got.

Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.


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