marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2019-07-27 13:03:14 (UTC)

Feeling twitchy.

And by twitchy, i don't mean horny twitchy. i mean upset kinda twitchy. Restless kinda twitchy. That's pretty usual after an intense hypno session. Most aren't that way, but when i did really deep, it does get me that way. i told the doc i wanted to explore how my self esteem affected my relationship with M. When he awakened me, apparently i brought a lot of my time with Javier to the surface. i had forgotten so many things. i am glad i didn't fully put some stuff out in the open- doc always tells me hypnosis won't bring out stuff i truly don't want to bring out. i mostly believe him, but he says if i don't keep that faith in him and the process, i would lose this susceptibility to hypnosis. i guess since i still am readily brought under, i still believe. Why is this man still such a part of my life?

We talked after that i'm not a bad person. In my Javier thug girl life, i did many things in the moment. They were the result of choices that multiple people made. Nothing that could be troublesome legally, tg, but many were not pleasant for me or others. What i reserved for my self, i 99% believe, was that all the things i did with others, i did privately for Javier. Some of them, i still do for M. It's making me think and scaring me a bit. i just don't feel normal.

i'm questioning everything. Who am i? i thought it was all figured out last weekend. Now, i just don't know. i don't know if i should pursue this with my doc anymore. Did i touch a nerve in me that is warning me to stay away or is this going to be the key to being better? i need someone to hold right now and there isn't anyone. i have a tremendous need to be close to someone, physically. to please and satisfy someone- anyone- so as to feel pleasure myself. It's an old me trait. i know that and i'm trying not to go there. i'm unsettled that i'm on the fence. By writing here, i'm hoping to see more clearly my direction. That last line should really read "i' m writing to make sure i don't go out and do a random in search of some temporary gratification and acceptance." But i didn't. Last night, i fought off the urge, watched porn and was my own random. So empty. And more than i care to tell. But i think i wanted it to hurt. But was my motivation to feel something or to feel like it was enough. No mas! Even my order of writing haunts me. Why did i write my pleasure need ahead of my need to quench a raging and OOC fire?
i think maybe if i go to the gym now and exhaust myself, i'll calm down and lose that twichyness. ok, to the gym and right now before i lose this ray of purpose.
Thanks for listening.
If you are even out there. Mariel




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