followed by: feelings
"Don't Touch Anything" by Pile
July 26, 2019 Friday 9:29 PM
I've had a nightmare following me all day, but I can only see it at the edges—in the vague feeling that I was manipulated, that I was in a large building with a very white cafeteria and I let someone die there, or I made them die there. I only remembered in increments like that. I don't know, I dunno.
Today has been OK in the sense that I'm stable in my melancholy. But, like, that feels perfectly normal to me. I was thinking to myself that I need better self-esteem, but I never feel like I need better self-esteem until I understand that I get sort of cowed around other people. When I'm perfectly alone, I don't hate or love myself unless it is carryover from a social interaction. I can't think of one moment where that would not be true. But then again, I guess being confident in one's own abilities and worthiness only really matters when you have a context in which to, like, exercise that confidence??? I dunno, when I write by myself I am not writing with a crowd in mind, or even myself in mind. It's to make something. Yes, I'm doing my best to make it Not Bad, but more for the purpose of actually conveying something specific—the point is, the practice doesn't suffer that much from my self-esteem. The only time it gets rough is at the prospect of being shown to people and my confidence plummets... and so does my faith in the work... and then I stop working on it.
Ugh. So I should probably just work on my self-esteem. I can't live in a vacuum. God damn, that's annoying..
I'm very tired and vaguely pissed off. The sky was beautiful tonight. I ran a mile and a half and did some pushups and sit ups. I felt like a normal person.