2019-07-25 19:43:40 (UTC)


"Be Alone" by Pet Fox [this band's music has been described as "sinister pop" and I find that is very fitting]

In the ideal state of mind
I try to work
Around the ups and downs
Playing dumb to pass the time

I am prone to operate in forms of stress
And selfishness in efforts to sabotage

Ooo, I can never find the words to say
Woo, I could never be alone

July 25, 2019 Thursday 7:47 PM

Let's start with the thing that is easier to think about. Oof, my stomach is burning. Nothing has happened—I am just anxious.

A couple of days ago I went on a second date with that guy, who from here on out I'll just call Trip. I don't think I ever talked about the first date in depth. It was mostly uneventful. We were just at his house, which I was fine with. We didn't do much, except for towards the end, when he kissed me and then we were kissing for a while. And he felt me up and took off my shirt, took of his. I think his pants were also gone but idk when that happened, I was kind of dizzy and nervous. I kept trying to leave, because at that point I had already called my Lyft, and he kept trying to "convince" me to stay. He kissed the inside of my thigh at some point and it felt nice and that gave me hope for my normally inert sexuality. Also I mentioned this, but he at one point picked me up, carried me to the wall, and was kissing me against that. Sort of hot, more in retrospect. At the point of occurrence I was more like, "Oh, this is interesting!" but I did not necessarily have any positive or negative reaction to it; although I did try to focus on being engaged. But just because I'm physically focused on what is occurring does not mean the same is happening emotionally, but I think that's normal.

Anyway, then I left and I was giddy at having kissed/been kissed for what I think is... probably the first time in a little less than a year? Last person I kissed was Ibn (ugh). I think. I don't remember dating at all during the year. I don't think I did.

The second time hanging out with Trip was even more chill than the first. We actually get along pretty well, but luckily not TOO well, you know? I was tired and actually kind of wanted to just cuddle and nap, and I was nervous he wanted to do more than that but he's surprisingly respectful, lmao. From the way he speaks about himself, I'd think he was an apathetic asshole, but he at the very least does not act like one. He showed me this awful anime show, Food Wars. Still debating on whether I will continue watching on my own. I kind of hate the way the girls are drawn, and I am annoyed that I, of course, have a problem with it—but I can't help it! It's weird to look at. However, I do kind of enjoy the premise. But if it's just weird montages of girls eating rice and them immediately cumming then idk if I'm into that. Anyway, I pointed out the characters were like 15 years old and Trip was like, "Dammit... you've ruined it for me." I think he was somewhat joking.

We did cuddle at some point. I thought he looked vaguely gross, which I think was because he just got over being sick (thanks for telling me in advance.... what I'm saying is, he did not tell me in advance). There was something on his chin, which was either toothpaste or shaving cream. The latter, if his breath was any indication. It wasn't horrible breath, just sort of—don't breathe into me sort of breath. And when we kissed it just tasted like mouth and nothing awful. We cuddled for a while, had semi-deep talks. This boy is so sad about so many things. Compared to him, I feel much more in control. I did tell him a bit about myself and my taste in guys, because we had been talking about attractive male celebrities and it got Trip to thinking that I had a confusing lack of attraction to the hot ones. I thought it was pretty common for girls to dislike uber muscle-y men and overly chiseled facial features, but whatevs. I basically told him a bit about Isaac, and how I reacted when "dating" him. Like, I told him that I was kind of immature as far as attraction went so I was unsure as to what my taste was; and I told him about that panic attack I had on Isaac's floor, as a way to exemplify kind of... where I used to be at. To show my slower development in the relationship department~~. And also because I felt like opening up about my confusion. I figured, be honest, and Trip really seemed to appreciate that. He actually said so, and I was kind of flattered/embarrassed so I said, "Eh, I have nothing to hide." Which is true. I'll tell anyone anything if they ask at the right time, and if they seem like they care.

I've been thinking about Isaac lately, btw, because I will be going home next weekend and I want to text him to see if he wants to hang out. It will refresh my reality of him. For the best.

Anyway yeah we talked for a bit and then there was a point where Trip was biting/gnawing my shoulder, which was really cute even objectively speaking... I wish I mentioned that. I'm going to try and be better about how not only recognizing what I enjoy, but also vocalizing it.

While cuddling, Trip nearly fell asleep on me, which was honestly my favorite part, but then he got up and looked like he wanted to kiss me; and me, being terrible with tension, decided to kiss him so I didn't have to wait to begin an activity that wasn't even particularly fun. And then when we started kissing in earnest, I was just like, "Aight. Guess this is what's happening now."

Such is my utter apathy towards this sort of thing; or towards Trip, lmao. I say this, but we spent probably an hour kissing, and I figure if I was that bored I probably would've figured a way out of it. I don't know, I find ways to entertain myself. Kissing his neck and, like, trying to hear those sounds he was making. Which, again, I had neither positive nor negative reactions to—merely interest. But in retrospect, kinda hot. The reactions are really what kept me going; he said I could get a little rougher, so I did. I admired his ability to know and communicate his own enjoyment, you know? Like, he really enjoyed when I wrapped my legs around him and kind of tucked my feet around his knees. He really, really liked that, because he mentioned it probably two or three times, and I felt pleased every time. I like doing that anyways, it makes me feel secure.

While kissing him, his neck and jaw and collar bone, I could smell the spit on his skin, and feel it all over my nose and chin. Kinda gross. And also skin is such a strange terrain on which to place your mouth—it feels like so much more ground to cover than when I just touch it using my hands. Which makes sense. I guess I didn't expect the degree to which it felt like a scary, but somewhat intriguing, dark expanse.

While kissing, he kept stopping to get up and change the music, lmao, which was actually great because I could take a break and chill. He was like "I really should just make a playlist." And also sometimes he'd just hang out above my face and stare at me and I was just like ??????????? Do you like me or something??? Stop. I can't think of why the hell he'd be looking at me like that if it isn't some romantic interest. I didn't like it.

But I could be misreading things, I dunno. I say that because at some point I kissed his nose, just for funsies, and he said, "Ok, probably an awkward time to ask, but I'm gonna because of what you just did.. and because of the cuddling on the couch. What are you looking for out of this?"
And I stuttered and fumbled a lot, but eventually managed to say, in essence: nothing serious, just some fun, some hanging out, that kind of thing
And he was like, "Good, I'm not a relationship kind of guy"
(eye roll) (I didn't, but I wanted to)
Me, "Me neither??.... In a different way, though..."
"Ok" *confused* Tbh I barely know what I meant when I said that, but I know it's a true statement on what I perceive in myself. I don't want to refer to myself as not being a relationship type of gal, since it's kind of an early diagnosis—but I think right now, at the very least, I don't feel comfortable with the prospect of a relationship. Sometimes I think I could shave myself down to bits, like shredded cheese Veronica, and then I could sprinkle myself onto a person and melt into them and get swallowed up and I know this makes no sense but my point is, sometimes I want to give everything to someone random and annoying, and I think about how separate that desperation is from reality; not even because it is not returned, but because it is so empty of the things that are supposed to make relationships fun. I guess what I'm trying to say, is I don't understand them, and I don't understand myself. And I'm not against going into one or anything, but I'd definitely have to work on my self-esteem so I don't get swallowed up, lmao.

Anyway, back to.. yeah.
To Trip: I was like, "should I not do stuff like that?" referring to my little affectionate gestures, which are fun for me to do! And make me feel more engaged. And are also kind of my style of relating to people—so had he said I should stop, I wouldn't be totally sure of how to act anymore. But he said it was fine, and was, like, warning me not to develop feelings?? and maybe I'm just being cocky, but I really don't think that's going to happen, and I said as much. I think he's cute-ish, I think he has a perfectly nice personality, but overall he's just so.... young. Idk. Convinced he has the world figured out. Which, to me, isn't attractive, it's just an indication that they lack a certain level of awareness. Maybe I'm just jealous.

Then he said something like "just know I will probably develop ~feelings~ at some point," and then he, like, followed that with, "Luckily I'm really good at repression," and— (eye roll, suppressed). Haha, wow.

I did appreciate his respect for verbal consent though. It made me feel a lot more... safe. Safer than I have in the past?? Like, with Ibn, who was SO insistent. And with Adrian... Not Isaac, Isaac was pretty good about that sort of thing, and obviously so was Moby. And even that one guy whose name I forget, I went on one date with him last year and we made out in the back of a theatre... it wasn't particularly, I dunno. it wasn't not fun, but he definitely pushed it a bit far and I wasn't sure yet how to defend against that. Like, I still haven't really gained the etiquette for nonverbal consent. They don't teach you that in sex ed, lmao. Actually, I haven't even had sex ed since middle school. I think we were supposed to take "Health" in high school, but senior year I did New Visions Scientific Research & World Health and because the word "health" was in the program title, I got a pass. Back to the matter. Yeah, so, Trip stopped for a moment to tell me to stop him if he went to far at all, and I said of course and told him above the waist only, and he did not question me or insist or anything (I didn't mention it bc I didn't have to, but I was prepared to tell him I was on my period, which I was—otherwise, I think I might've been prepared to go a little further).

Trip asked me to sleepover, but it was a Tuesday—otherwise I might've genuinely considered it; I had a toothbrush in my purse, as long as he had some face wash and contact solution, I'd be golden. When I left he was like, want a hug? And then he was like, "That was weird," like asking that question was too far or something; I get it, on a level. Asking if someone wants a hug goodbye is, like, a weird limbo between intimate and controlled, because if you have to ask, then obviously you're not familiar enough for it to come naturally. Anyway I ignored his own detrimental meta-commentary and gave him a hug anyway. I said, "you're so waaaarmmmm," which he was. And I bit his collarbone since it was about at eye level (he's tall—although to be fair, I am only 5'3") and I like collarbones a lot. Which he possibly enjoyed because there was a hitch in his breath (nice) and he pulled me in for another kiss. At some point my hair got in his mouth (which happened a lot) and he just said, "worth it," haha.

Oh, yeah. There was this other point, earlier in the day, where he talked about a girl his brother was dating; Trip said she had once sent him nudes in full BDSM gear and he considered showing it to his brother, to which I was just like.... no, lmao, that's a dick move... Especially since it was from before they were dating. He said she wasn't that attractive anyway, which concerned me. A couple hours later, he mentioned a girl that his old friend had been dating. They cheated on each other a lot, and the girl cheated quite a bit with Trip every few months, and even broke up with the old friend for him until Trip backed off. He also described her as "not that attractive," and at that point I voiced that that was such a... disturbing thing to hear?? I didn't even mean to actually vocalize my concerns, since I'm so "complacent" (as Melvin put it—ugh), but it was just that I couldn't think of anything else to say in reply, it was just so jarring.

And he asked me if I was worried he would say that about me. And part of me is concerned about that... Like. How am I any different from these girls, who he is minimizing, as if they were worth less or were surprisingly worthy considering their looks? Why am I not... exactly like that? Another rando girl he knew for a while, who, looking back "wasn't that attractive." It's not just about that, of course. Obviously I am mostly concerned with how this impacts me, but I just am surprised that a person could just... I dunno... It was so.... weird. Would I say that about someone? No, that's... actually never what I mention when talking about the people who wronged me. Why would it? Why would that sort of superficial thing be at the forefront of my mind?

There's only one person I hate. I don't hate Stephanie, I try not to think about her. Sorry, that just bobbed to the surface, when I made a claim that was potentially not true. But yeah, I think I'm right when I say I only really hate Adrian. When I think of him, I think of his scarily veiny arms, and his tiny frame, and his sharp smile. But none of that feels like the subject of what I am seeing in my mind. It's more that these vivid memories of his appearance are coming up to support my mental dossier of all the ways in which we hurt each other (him hurting me, mostly—he would disagree but this isn't his diary lol).

I guess, though, in all fairness, Trip had been talking about these girls in the context of sex. When he said the first girl wasn't that attractive, it was because I told him to just keep the picture private, as his own little porny present or something (not verbatim haha). This was an effort to keep the conversation light while also steering away from the tangled mass of Messed Up that is sending-a-dirty-pic-of-your-brother's-girlfriend-to-your-brother. So he said, "Eh, she wasn't that attractive." And when he said it about the second girl, it was because I was commenting on how he kept going back for more (they had sex several times over the course of like 5 months), and he said he didn't know why because she "wasn't that attractive."

(Also, interesting how he kept mentioning these things to me? Is this normal conversational subject matter? Was he trying to emphasize his manhood???? Like, what?)

I dunno, I still feel that it is a sketchy thing to say... As if the point of any of these stories was their physical looks. Like, physicality isn't even what makes a person hot... I don't know. Ugh.

Anyway, Trip said he wouldn't say that about me, 'cause he thought I was cute. He also said "unless you become a crazy bitch," which is vague as fuck and very!!! concerning!!! Wow!!! But whatever, I'm not here to find a moral partner, I'm here for a good time. If he says something this bitchy again, I will point it out and respectfully disagree. Not sure how that will go. I will probably get tongue-tied again. But I do want to be less "complacent" (ugh!!!) in this world full of men who are not used to having to defend themselves. Sorry, I don't mean to generalize. I just think I've interacted with a lot of men/boys this summer, and they're all so sure of themselves... But I suppose the girls are also sure of themselves. And yet, are somehow kinder? That could also be because I spend less time around the girls (video team is 3 guys and me). Point is!!!! Ugh. Point is, I just want to be stronger.

Why do I lose myself every time I am with someone? I am just so scared I am too difficult, too much of a smart ass, idk. I don't want to be that. That's another can of worms. For now I have to pee and I stopped writing this entry halfway through so it is now 11:37 PM. I should go to bed soon. Goodnight.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention—that now I kind of miss Trip. More accurately, I miss the human contact. And I guess despite all my complaining I kind of like making out with people; so I want to do more of that and more than that and I want to cuddle to sleep.

OK this was a PSA thx and goodnight

Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.