Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-07-20 17:16:59 (UTC)

lost that executive function ..

lost that executive function today. The ball is no longer rolling. I would like to play dead in my bed the rest of the day thank you very much.

that guy asked me on a date tonight. I'm hesitant to respond or say anything because as much as I think I might like to go later, my mind is a brick wall of anxiety and perfectionism and just overall bad mental health at the moment. I don't want to fuck me up even more, but this is probably a chance I should be willing to take.

fuck me up, life. That's an invitation I'm only so very willing to take.
it's confusing, untangling the expectations I have on myself from the childhood expectations of being more of a grown up than I am. I don't know how to just be me, without the self hate or negativity.

I really think I have to lower the bar, and manage those expectations that say I should be able to keep my negative thinking at bay.

That's really what starts my bad energy, is not allowing myself to truly feel that depths of negativity boiling below the surface at these bad, lonely times. I have to suppress it- or at least I feel like I do- to get through the day at a normal, inconspicuous pace. Then, that accumulates into the expectation I have of me when things are getting better, to feel better, when I still don't feel anything.
I don't know, it hit me in the shower how this all connects, now I feel nothing but grey haze and droopy eyes.

maybe I can push that date to a later date. Or maybe I can let it all go, and freefall.




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