2019-07-18 19:28:15 (UTC)

as usual

"Bethlehem, WV" by mewithoutYou [my favorite song lately]

Vibrations rose in waves
From a sea of discontent
Dad used to talk about for days
I finally tasted what he meant
Your carcass on the ground
Brought vultures to their eyes
My frontal lobe is shutting down
I bet you hear it all the time

July 18, 2019 Thursday 7:30 PM

How long can I go without going home? And at what point should I kill myself?

I actually feel okay, but my arm feels peculiar and tingly and my head is too light, and I can't breathe right: all of which means I am having anxiety. Just now, I was having really bad emotional pain that I didn't want to investigate, and I was like, can I just—can I just die yet? If it's like this forever, then why do it? I can't stand it, I don't want to go home, I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to go to work in the morning, I'm done. It's over and I'm done. I thought about checking myself into a hospital and sleeping it off in constant therapy. I'm looking up inpatient facilities right now. Should I quit my job, my school, and go home? Live with my parents until I remember how to be a person again? I wish I could just get a stipend and live on my own and be depressed. And no one would push me to be better and I would stay inside and be restless and sad.

I don't know, I'm stupid and sensitive to the world. And I'm tired I guess. And my heart is beating too fast.

jk, jk, im fine im fine im fine

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