This is my first diary entry. I’m not really good at keeping these things, but I needed a place to put my thoughts down, to let out all the anxious whispering.
PONA stands for Person Of No Account, because that’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now. It’s also because even though I’m publishing this publicly, needing to pretend someone else is listening, I’d still like to remain quiet and hidden and out of sight. I’m desperate to both be heard and never found out.
As for why my diary is titled “Mental Scrub”, it’s because I’m a nursing student and employed in a healthcare setting. I encounter a number of situations that both break and swell up my heart, and sometimes, they just hurt, and I don’t know what to do.
Since crying in front of my patients isn’t an option, I’m here hoping these words will help me when I don’t know where else to get help.
My furtive wish is that if I write out all my tears, then I can wash them from my heart. And my head. And my cheeks. A Mental Scrub. And then maybe I can go to bed at peace.
The life of a nurs(ing student) isn’t all stress crying and secret diary entries, but this is where I’ll be when sometimes, it feels like it is.