LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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Ezoic
2019-07-14 17:44:26 (UTC)

shitty but ok

"Virginia Reel Around the Fountain" by The Halo Benders

July 14, 2019 Sunday 5:45 PM

Very hungover today, so much so that I threw up a bit in the early afternoon. Whatever soup came out of me was brown. I had had turkey on rye, three boiled eggs, and an avocado, and some ensure because I thought maybe it would provide me with whatever nutrients I was severely lacking in. Oh, also tea. Matt made me the tea and the eggs; he also bought me saltines and juice, which was super nice. And he got me water. I was still drunk when I woke up. I don't even know how much I drank. I had at least 5 shots of vodka and a rum and coke, but I also had several shots of straight spiced rum too, so I mean. In short, I was really really really drunk. I really overdid it and I'm not sure why, but I managed to, like, not do anything embarrassing like cry or whatever.

I do feel really gross; like, ugly and generally.... trapped in my body. I was thinking, like, what if I had been drunk with someone I cared about, and they smelled the sweat in my hair from the dancing I'd done earlier? I know if it were me, I wouldn't care very much. I don't think sweat smells particularly bad and it seems kind of natural on guys. But just the idea of someone being able to sense all of my imperfections really made me hate myself for a hot second.

Oh, also. That date I went on a couple days ago was pretty good. The guy is entertaining without being really attractive to me. I mean, objectively he is attractive, and strong, which is subjectively kinda hot, especially when he lifted me up and pressed me against the wall??? It was nice to feel small. He didn't struggle at all. I'm on one hand very paranoid that he is using me but then I am also using him so??? I guess what's the harm?? I want to have sex with him. I'm kind of excited to engage in a new and strange activity which will be just as good and horrible as every other social interaction. It feels like a step towards opening up a new aspect of life, and maybe I'll get better at seeing myself in a sexual light. I've already improved a lot in that regard just in the past year, but like, I'm still not super good at staying present.

I'm "too meta" as Lancelot puts it. I feel everything but I just think too much about it; there is no direct line of communication from sensation to impact, instead going from sensation to perception to analysis and by the time we get to impact I'm not sure of what it is I'm feeling anymore. But I figure that's part of it; once I get over the novelty it can be fun.

So yeah. Those are my plans. I feel shitty but okay.


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