Twisted

Knotted Up
2019-07-08 22:52:41 (UTC)

Twisted

I don't know if I've ever been this twisted or confused before. Well actually that's a lie. I've felt like this was the last time he walked into my life. Although to be completely honest, this time was more my taking a wrecking ball into my own. My head, heart, and, to be perfectly frank, my vagina have never been so out of whack with each other before. It's like all three belong to three different women.
I feel guilty because I'm married. I feel like shit because he is as well. And still I can't stay away from him. It's like he has a hold on me that I shake. A grip that gets tighter with every text and phone call.
I know it's wrong to want him but I can't help it. Its like every part of me craves him. I know that I'm going to get crushed and that it's going to happen soon and yet I can't stop myself.
If I'm being totally honest, I never wanted to get married to John. I don't think that I ever really loved him. Yet i still married him out of pressure to do so. Even as I the magistrate read the vows every part of me was screaming to run; every piece of my brain and heart was telling me that this was a mistake. The truth of those thoughts rang even more true when I developed feelings for Kevin. We started out as friends but they more I got to know him the harder it was not to want him.
When I left my job where he worked we continued to talk occasionally. He got married and our kids ended up being born within a week of each other. Despite everything, I could never get him out of ny head. I ached to talk to him. He would creep into my dreams at night and I couldn't help but get the feeling that I was supposed to be with him. That his part in my life was.not finished.
I recently told him as much. My feelings were reciprocated; I was also informed that nothing could ever happen. I understood that but we continued to talk often, then daily. Now I talk to him all day and call him two to three times a day at his request. My heart jumps when I hear him. I haven't felt this happy in years. He tells me that he can't go a day without talking to me. That his favorite parts of the day are when I call him and he can hear my voice and laugh. And yet nothing can happen.
I know that he's going to crush me. I know that if I meet him that I won't be able to stop myself from kissing him, from touching him. I want him and I can't make myself stop. I fear that if I continue to talk to him that I will become far too attached to him. I fear that I will fall in love with him and I know that I could. I know that he will crush me into so many pieces that I may never be complete again. I know all of this and yet I can help myself. Call me stupid but I can't help but think that he's worth it. That having him in my life even just at a distance is better than not at all. Some part of me believes that he's worth potentially getting crushed for.
I know that he wants to be with me. I know that he has feelings for me and wants me. His child is the only thing holding him back as is mine.
I don't know what to do. Well, that another lie. I know that I need to cut my ties with him. But I've tried before and can't help but reaching back out to him or him reaching out to me. I've never felt so weakened by a guy before, as if I'm jello and aching to be touched by him. I want to be close to him. To be near him. It hurts knowing that I'm not and can't be.
It worries me that when I'm with him that I won't be able to stop myself from being with him. And yet part of me thinks that never being with him would be far worse than never having him at all.




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