nerd™

the anger games
2019-07-07 21:32:26 (UTC)

day 867, time is ticking

started exercising at home again. made me realise how weak I am, I did some full body exercises for like 5 minutes 2 days in a row and now I can't move. everything hurts. I hate being so weak, even walking up the stairs is a struggle.
I took a break yesterday though. it was too painful. I think I'll continue today. hopefully i will be less sore tomorrow cause I have to go to uni for summer training.
I can't remember if I told you about this summer training thing? basically it's 4 days a week, 2 at uni and 2 somewhere else, different subject each day, and then there's an exam in August. I attended 2 weeks but I couldn't handle it, the sun nearly killed me. my mom said I shouldn't go but attendance is compulsory and so she called this distant cousin of mine who is also a vet and he knows most of the professors at uni, and he said he'll get my attendance for me without actually attending. I should feel bad cause technically it's cheating right? all the other students have to go all the way to these farms and stand in the sun for hours while I get to stay at home. I'm not complaining, I'll take it. I still have to attend once a week though but at least it's at uni not the other places.
it hit me yesterday that 2020 is just a few months away. remember that letter we wrote in 2015...? yeah me neither. I'm supposed to open it in 2020. I remember asking a lot of questions in that letter, actually it's not exactly a letter it's a full notebook. I remember thinking "this is stupid why am I writing this down it's not like I'm gonna actually forget what I wrote" and oh boy, it's good to know I've always been dumb so like I'm not disappointing my younger self or anything.
my mood hasn't improved much. still feeling really low but not low enough to stay in bed all day.
I feel guilty for some reason. nothing new happened but it's like all the bad things I've done throughout my life are catching up to me now? I just can't stop thinking about them. and I can't help but feel like this is my life flashing before my eyes but in slow motion. remember that dream I told you about? it said I had a month left to live. I should check when was that dream. and don't tell me that my brain is making me feel this way because of the dream ok cause I completely forgot about it until today. I was wondering why incidents from 5 years ago are worming their way through my head and it occurred to me that... it's a sign that I'm running out of time, that I should be making things right not wasting my last days. and yet.. I can't find the energy to do anything. after all, this is what I have been praying for right? for my time to end quickly before I run out of patience and end it myself?




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